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Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 6:41:43 AM

Autophobic

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline

Hello to all :)

If it pleases you, I would like to ask for some advice about Doms, and how to filter out the ones who only want rough sex and those who are really Doms. Perhaps it is just me, but I seem to be running across the 'players' who seem to only want to get in my pants and not have a true scene. I understand from reading these boards, that many here are just looking to get a kink and then move along, but is there anyway for the inexperienced, such as myself, to see some pattern of behavior or something to help me tell the difference? So far I have had only bad experiences, and while i feel i am learning from them, it occures to me that many of you have had many more experiences and may have some advice.

Post #: 1

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 6:56:04 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

One of the easiest ways i've found to seperate the kinky sex seekers from the more serious Doms is to meet in person at a public place with the clear understanding that it will be a totally vanilla meet, no BDSM, no sex, no meeting at a motel or in His car... just coffee and conversation. You have no idea how many just stop talking after that or never show up. Worst case is being stood up but at least i got me out of the house and that's not such a waste of makeup and good to know early on that what their intentions are.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Autophobic)

Post #: 2

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 7:12:22 AM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

Giving some of the wording in that post, this might be another one of those bad learning experiences.

Personally, I hope people stop to think a moment and realize you werent malicous before they rear up their noses and fly off the handle at the 4 letter A bomb called "twue".

I cant really offer any advice though because I dont spend my time going out and meeting Masters in an intimate settings. You might get better answers in the "Ask a Submissive/Slave" section

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Autophobic)

Post #: 3

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 7:22:16 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

This might be a popular answer, but it's usually worked for me.

When I'm trying to get to know someone, I wouldn't for the life of me discuss sex. For me, my sexual needs might loosely be tied to what I do as a Dom/Master, but they wouldn't be my focus.

While I might not talk about sex, I would certainly talk about the dynamic, or shared interests. Something that would give the reader (or listener) the understanding that how I think in BDSM terms. So many people say that 'what we do' is more rooted in the psychological than the physical. Fine. I'll give you something to think about in those ways. Something that would play on your mind to find attractive about me, or to let you know that I'm serious about what I do, not what's between my legs.

If I can attract you to me knowing how 'your' life would be handled, then you are more apt to see me as unselfish.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Autophobic)

Post #: 4

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 7:22:22 AM

Autophobic

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Giving some of the wording in that post, this might be another one of those bad learning experiences.

Personally, I hope people stop to think a moment and realize you werent malicous before they rear up their noses and fly off the handle at the 4 letter A bomb called "twue".

I cant really offer any advice though because I dont spend my time going out and meeting Masters in an intimate settings. You might get better answers in the "Ask a Submissive/Slave" section

i appologize if my wording may have/or will offend anyone, i simply meant a scene beyond just rough sex. There was no intended harm, and again, i am sorry.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 5

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 7:30:56 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

Don't worry about your wording. There are those on the site who've heard "real" and "true" so often argued over that they pounce on anyone who uses the terms in a post. Just ignore any that post and look for answers that will help you.

It can be difficult to determine if someone is really looking for D/s or if they just want kinky sex. Meeting face-to-face helps a lot. No play. No D/s. Nothing but talk about philosophies within this particular way of living. Discussion about non-sexual stuff. LOTS of discussion about "vanilla" topics. Next to no discussion about what days of the week you're free during the morning or around noon. (That's an instant tip-off he's just looking for nooners.)

There are some great Dominants on this site. You just have to dig through a lot of dirt to find the gems.

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to Autophobic)

Post #: 6

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 7:45:26 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

Everyone here has a different "style".
Are you looking for a serious relationship or someone to play with on the weekends?
There is no substitute in getting to know a person WELL, in this world.
Especially in this lifestyle.
If you can't take the time to get to know a potential Master as a person first, then you
may be looking for the rest of your life.
Those that jump into relationships with virtual strangers, are playing Russian Roulette.

The older I get the more I see this: Most people pretty much get out of life, what they are willing
to put into things.
Especially if you live in America.
If you put little thought into who you select as a partner...then you get what you get.
For many of us, it is taking YEARS to find that special person.
I can tell more about a person, AFTER I see who they select as a mate!
Peace

< Message edited by MzMia -- 7/7/2007 7:57:47 AM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Autophobic)

Post #: 7

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 7:46:39 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

I LOVE rough sex, my play at times can be quite sexual and I am being nice because MadRabbit said so...

One way to seperate the men from the boys is to decide what it is you want and look for someone who actually offers that.

Also, if you only have "bad experiences" a big part of the problem is YOUR bad skills in picking partners, what pattterns do you have? Figure those out and that will go a long way toward finding better partners.

Edited to add:: after reading your profile you are complaining about fake doms but you are a married bbw who is only offering part time play and yet you complain "they" aren't real enough for you. Perhaps if you stopped cuckholding your husband and learned to be "truly" submissive to him you might discover a bit more bliss in your life.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 7/7/2007 7:51:15 AM >

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 8

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 7:53:04 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

If you are doing scenes, wouldn't it make sense to check out local groups and places where scening is going on?

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 9

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 7:58:23 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

Personaly, I judge on how fast it takes for a person to talk about sex. Within the first two or three emails tells me they are looking more at getting laid then being of service.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to Autophobic)

Post #: 10

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 8:01:34 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

In my experience many men expect service to be exclusively sexual. It makes being a non-sexual service-oriented submissive difficult. But it's very rewarding when I find people who appreciate my service!

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 11

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 8:13:44 AM

CutieMouse

Posts: 81
Status: offline

Herm... if you're looking for someone on the side (regardless of your husband's knowledge), rather than a primary relationship, I'd guess that the number of "just rough sex" responses will outnumber the "serious BDSM" responses, at least 10 to 1. It isn't anything personal... more an issue of statistics and human nature.

Beyond the situational boundaries which influence the sorts of men one attracts, I'm of the opinion that most of the screening process can be accomplished with a carefully crafted profile. Those who do "slip through the cracks", can be easily spotted and dealt with - if you know your own boundaries and preferences. I may consider X behaviour to be rather asshatish and indicative of incompatability; you might find the exact same behaviour to be the ultimate Domly Dom statement of power and fabulousness, and therefore a sign of "true" dominance.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 12

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 8:18:11 AM

Autophobic

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I LOVE rough sex, my play at times can be quite sexual and I am being nice because MadRabbit said so...

One way to seperate the men from the boys is to decide what it is you want and look for someone who actually offers that.

Also, if you only have "bad experiences" a big part of the problem is YOUR bad skills in picking partners, what pattterns do you have? Figure those out and that will go a long way toward finding better partners.

Edited to add:: after reading your profile you are complaining about fake doms but you are a married bbw who is only offering part time play and yet you complain "they" aren't real enough for you. Perhaps if you stopped cuckholding your husband and learned to be "truly" submissive to him you might discover a bit more bliss in your life.

i agree 100% that the problem at least in large part belongs to me, which is why i came to ask for advice in the first place.
Does being married to the love of my life, a man who cannot stomach even medium spanking and has totally no interest in any thing else (such as flogging and bondage) disqualify me for being truly submissive? i submit to my husband in everyway that i can within the lines of what is acceptable to him. But making sure he has hot dinner on the table, clean clothes, and a spotless house only carry one so far before they realize they want more. Some might say that is not even submission, just being a wife,i tend to agree yet it tides me over. My complaint , if i have complained at all, is the doms who only want rough sex, no dom/sub dynamic . Just as i know that the little submission i am allowed to give is not enough for me, i also know that i am more than a casual hookup who you screw once and then move on. i am not cuckholding my husband and i apologize for making you feel that way. my add is worded the way it is, because i wanted to be totally upfront.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 13

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 8:28:03 AM

Autophobic

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline

quote:

(in reply to Autophobic)
Profile Report | Post #: 4

quote:

ORIGINAL: sublizzie

In my experience many men expect service to be exclusively sexual. It makes being a non-sexual service-oriented submissive difficult. But it's very rewarding when I find people who appreciate my service!

i can see where you are comming from. For me, sex is not a requirement tho several of the activities i enjoy tend to make me want sex.

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 14

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 8:36:28 AM

TigerNINTails

Posts: 178
Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: offline

I'm going to make note of something that is in your profile, which might be a clue here...

You're opening yourself up to "players" as you put it, by essentially telling Gods and everyone that you'll accept "players" in the first sentence of your profile... Get rid of the "playmate" crap, and that will go a long way.

Secondly, follow some of the better advice up above, and actually arrange a time to connect with people. Also, you might want to put something in your profile to the effect of:

"If all you are looking for is a midafternoon blow, or an easily accessible fuck to pass the time, I'm not interested. If you however, are looking for something more visceral and real, with a deeper D/s level, where "sex" is secondary, then let's arrange a time to have coffee or lunch and we'll get to know one another a bit."

You can't expect people to know what you want, unless you tell them precisely what you want. Otherwise, they substitute what they want, and that's all they see.

D/s is about communication, just as with any other relationship dynamic under the sun. Human beings aren't telepathic... Normally. So don't expect someone to know that you aren't looking for a fuckbuddy, you're looking for someone to serve, in more ways than just sexually.

Just as MzMia stated, everyone has different styles. You need to put out what is acceptable as a style to you, so you can attract the Dominant that matches you. It's really that simple.

Stop confusing people with "well, I would like this, but I'm okay with second best" sort of crap... That isn't going to cut it in getting the sort of person you're looking for.

From what I read off your profile, while it seems you don't know what you want in entirety, it's pretty obvious what you don't want. You don't want a "love relationship" as you already have that. You don't want players, or playmates, but yet you say they're acceptable. Well, that's all fine and good, but it does no good to open that door and then bitch because someone walks through it. So close that door, if that's not what you want.

You don't want a long term relationship. You don't want someone mucking up your feelings for the man you're married to, by getting too involved. Okay... So make sure that they understand, it's only for service, for sadomasochistic sceneing, for letting you be the service oriented subbie, with or without sex.

And make it clear that you don't want to engage in anything physical, until after you've gotten to know them. Make it about the mind, not the body. The concepts of service, not the act of sexual gratification. Focus on that, and then, when you do serve, you'll likely have a better experience for it. As well as perhaps, a longer lasting situation.

I also get, that your masochistic, considering you're speaking about spankings and the sensations you love from it, so honestly, you could make it straight pain play, without sex, if that's what you want to do. Or even humiliation play. Whatever... BDSM doesnt have to be sexual if you don't want it to be. There are plenty of service oriented tops and sadists I'm sure, that would take you up on that. But that would probably also go a long way to cutting down on the rampant bs'rs that you seem to be having a problem with.

Peace.

_____________________________

Consistent Discipline Renders Punishment Unnecessary

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 15

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 9:25:58 AM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Autophobic

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Giving some of the wording in that post, this might be another one of those bad learning experiences.

Personally, I hope people stop to think a moment and realize you werent malicous before they rear up their noses and fly off the handle at the 4 letter A bomb called "twue".

I cant really offer any advice though because I dont spend my time going out and meeting Masters in an intimate settings. You might get better answers in the "Ask a Submissive/Slave" section

i appologize if my wording may have/or will offend anyone, i simply meant a scene beyond just rough sex. There was no intended harm, and again, i am sorry.

You didnt do anything wrong.

Its just important to remember that BDSM is an umbrella term for acts of dominance, submission, bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochist.

The great nobility and honor of a Dominant and the concept of a "true scene" that certain pompous pinheads pontificate about dont fall into those lines.

You have to decide what your lifestyle and what you want and find an ideal partner.

My lifestyle is mostly about the M/S relationship and doesnt really involve play partners or scenes. And beleive me, I will be getting into my slave's pants. From a very shallow perspective, I could be very easily viewed as one of those guys who just wants some "rough sex" because my paradigm doesnt fall in the lines of theirs.

Of course, in the end, my slave's pants are only one small part of what I want all together. (I mean, come one...there just pants...)

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Autophobic)

Post #: 16

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 9:28:37 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

Sorry if this answer has already been given:

Just because someone wants rough sex does not mean they aren't also a real dominant. Even if all they want is rough sex, they may still be real.

Don't be afraid to ask questions. See what the person you're talking to is interested in, and how they feel about the aspects that you're seeking. If they keep drooling into their soup bowl and rattling on about fisting, they may not be the one you seek.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Autophobic)

Post #: 17

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 9:58:45 AM

MissOchistic

Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline

Agreed with level. Just because I'm a submissive in some relationships doesn't mean I don't ever have any others, including vanilla dates and just-rough-sex dates.

_____________________________

"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 18

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 10:13:53 AM

Autophobic

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline

Thank you so much, all of you, for taking the time to respond to me. i see now that the problem is more with me than i thought it was. i was looking for a Chevy, yet asking for a Ford, and running around in circles.

_____________________________

Aspire to Inspire before you Expire

the dark side of the force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.

(in reply to TigerNINTails)

Post #: 19

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? - 7/7/2007 11:34:16 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Well because you are married, you're not going to get the doms who seriously want a long term committed relationship- because the ones who want and can GET that, will go after the single chicks who can give THEM everything they really want. So you're self-selecting yourself down to a very small group already.

Secondly the best way to find out is time. People who just want the hot kink will soon move on when they realize they aren't getting it from you. Unless you are the type who wants it so much that you can be easily fooled and they can manipulate your emotions.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Autophobic)

Post #: 20

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