BDSM out side of the home? (Full Version)

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aa -> BDSM out side of the home? (6/16/2005 6:40:38 PM)

Is there any Dom or Sub who married and her husband or wife does not like BDSM life style? I want to know about the feeling of the people that their partner in life and sex is not interested in BDSM and they have kept it as a secret for a long time in their life? [8|]
I want to know about people who have experience about to be in love with some who do not like to be their Master of Slave and they always think about finding BDSM in other places except their home?



extrapale -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/16/2005 7:48:55 PM)

If you're thinking about finding another partner (BDSM or not) outside of your marriage, I'd have to say that's a no go. BDSM is about honesty and trust, and if you're going to start a relationship off by lying to your significant other about it, you're going against what is right. If you love your partner, you won't want to hurt them by starting another relationship without their permission.

If you honest to god cannot live without BDSM in your life, then either talk to your SO and see if they would be willing to get involved with you in it, or if they would be willing to let you have another relationship with someone.

Cheating is never a good idea... it's never good for anyone in the end.



LadyAngelika -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/16/2005 7:58:45 PM)

quote:

BDSM is about honesty and trust


BDSM is not about honesty and trust.

BDSM is a clever little overlapping acronym which gathers all of the sub-groupings
BD - bondage & discipline
..DS - domination & submission
....SM - sadism & masochism

Integrating honesty and trust into BDSM is optional.

Now I am a big promoter of integrating honesty and trust into BDSM and I will agree with you, extrapale, that it is important to communicate with one's significant other.

On the other hand, you will find many threads on these boards where married people have explained why they can't talk to their significant other about these issues.

A few that touch this issue are
* Why not your wife?
* married and need to be discrete
* Sub married to non-dom

... and there are many more.

- LA



extrapale -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/16/2005 8:18:08 PM)

Thank you, LadyAngelika, for your response.

I didn't mean my post to seem one-true-wayish or anything, but that is my opinion. However, I believe that to have a successful BDSM relationship, there does need to be absolute trust and total honesty with all the people involved. I am aware of what BDSM stands for, but I think that for any relationship to succeed, there needs to be those aspects as well.

I also understand why some married people feel like they can't talk to their SO about these things. I don't know, maybe my post wasn't clear enough... I suppose what I was saying is that I don't think aa should pursue another relationship without consulting his significant other first. I'm not against polyamoury or anything similar to it... I'm in an open relationship, myself, but I just don't like seeing people in messed up situations with the people they love, you know?



GreyStorm -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/16/2005 9:34:30 PM)

Relationships in general are about honesty and trust. Without them, why bother?



BeachMystress -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/16/2005 11:15:40 PM)


extrapale, I realize you are young and that it is easy to see the world in absolutes at your age. (This is not a slam at your youth, it is mearly an acknoledgement that you don't have the experience some other do.)

This is a post of mine from one of the other threads on this same subject:

I have an unfortunate anecdote to share about the subject at hand. One of my ex subs had always said that his wife was too vanilla and would never understand his needs, and that even bringing them up with her would make him "sick" in her eyes. I didn't believe that just a mild mention of alternate sex would be a problem.. until his wife caught him in the bathroom with a dildo and almost divorced him. Since they have a daughter, she allowed him to save his marriage by attending therapy to get rid of his sickness. *sighs*
...

And yes, pale, this man has since had extramarital affairs with Domme. His wife is not neglected in the least. His daughter is in a good school and has the best of everything. His family lives in a beautiful home. Most of the family income is from him, as he is very successful in real estate. His wife does work, but is in the education field, and we all know how that pays. He cares for his wife. They've been married for 20 years. He considered the divorce so he could go and satisfy his desire to experience BDSM. If he'd have done the divorce, his wife and daughters style of living would have been substantially altered. His daughter would no longer have been in an excellent school getting a world class education. His wife would most likely be coping with a rebellious teen on her own, rather than having someone around to help and support her. He decided his wanting a divorce was selfish and that he'd rather live with the guilt that accrued. There is nothing he gives a Domme that his wife wants from him. On the contrary, she is sickened and appalled by that type of sexuality.

In your eyes, should he have gone ahead and done the easy thing and ruined the wife and daughter's lives so he could go play? There was no question that he was going to experience BDSM. That wasn't an option. Also the wife being involved wasn't an option. It was either the affair or he got rid of the family.

It is very easy to pass judgement on someone else. It is a lot harder to live it.



aa -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/16/2005 11:21:50 PM)

Thanks of extrapale and LadyAngelika for reply. I think my message was not clear. It is not about cheeting it is about secrets in the life. Some people love their partners in addition there are somethings which are interesting for them and they just keep it hide from their partner. They can go to BDSM clubs and nobody knows or watching BDSM movies when nobody is at home! I ask people who has the same experience? How is it? How much is it painful?



BeachMystress -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/16/2005 11:25:53 PM)


I'm lucky I do not have this problem, as I married my submissive. I think how painful or lonely it would be would depend upon the person and their level of need. Some people are happy with masturbatory fantasy and never need more. Others feel an almost physical need to have a hand slapping against their flesh.



onceburned -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/17/2005 12:58:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: aa
I want to know about people who have experience about to be in love with some who do not like to be their Master of Slave and they always think about finding BDSM in other places except their home?


Yes, I was married to a vanilla woman. We explored kink a little bit but she had no interest in dominating me (although she was quite happy when I topped her). It can be very, very frustrating.



extrapale -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/17/2005 4:42:27 AM)

I do see how in that situation, the man telling his wife would be a bad thing. I suppose things get infinitely more complicated when kids are involved.

And as I am young and thus don't have as much experience as older folk, I personally don't know what I'd do in that situation. I'm lucky then, to be with someone who no matter what kind of "weird" kinks I had, would support me in how I felt and be willing to explore them with me.

Just throwing my .02 cents out there.



MsIncognito -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/17/2005 6:27:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress
It was either the affair or he got rid of the family.


It's this kind of thinking (on his part) that really baffles me. I'm sorry but there are always other options. They may be options that we don't like but they are options nonetheless. He could have chosen to not pursue BDSM. To say that wasn't an option is just a cop out on his part. It was an option, just not one he wanted to consider for selfish reasons.



sub4hire -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/17/2005 7:58:23 AM)

quote:

They can go to BDSM clubs and nobody knows or watching BDSM movies when nobody is at home! I ask people who has the same experience? How is it? How much is it painful?


Let's say it was you doing this ok. You are married, vanilla. Seeking out the lifestyle as we know it.
You're at a club...it gets busted. Now you're in jail and you have to call the wife or husband.
What do you say? How do you feel?
I've been busted for S&M, really? what is that?

Do you really want to have that conversation on the phone while you're trying to get this person to put up your bail?
What if they are totally put off by your perversion? What if they leave you there to rot?
How do you feel now?
What would have happend if you had been honest in the first place and told them about it. Then the call would'nt have been a total surprise. One never knows either..it may have also turned your partner on after they learned a bit.
Unless of course you don't really care if your partner likes it or not. If that is the case, you should split up because neither one of you will ever be happy.
Be true to yourself and be true to your partner. It is better you realize that early on rather than have a lifetime of mistakes.



MemphisDsCouple -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/17/2005 8:56:14 AM)

Bdsm is within all of us.

As is d/s. We practice d/s in every relationship. Work, meeting on the street, driving, going to shcool.... whatever and wherever. "Manners" is just another word for d/s that we have codified in our societal mores. Even kings, pharoahs and potentates submit. Hell, even the president of the USA (widely recognized as the most powerful person in the world) submits to the will of others, however reluctantly. Even literal, legal slaves dominate in their areas of expertise and skill.

There is a streak of sadism in all of us. Who among us has *never* been unkind just for the sake of the enjoyment of it? Who among us never made fun of another child when we were growing up?

Likewise, there is a streak of masochism in all of us. Who among us has never said, "sometimes I am my own worst enemy". Or, "I wish I hadn't done that to myself". We fast. We practice, "no pain, no gain". Who among us has never pricked his/her finger just to do it?

So, your wife or husband, or bf/gf.... they all have, no matter how deeply buried, no matter to what minor degree, these things within them. This is not to say that your lover will want to get in touch with that part of themself. They may deny these things within themselves. But so too, many people deny their sexuality. Many think sex is dirty and repulsive.

But! Just as the feeling that sex (or specific sexual acts) is repulsive can be overcome, so too, the feelings of abhorence about bdsm and d/s can be overcome. I'm not saying it's easy. I'm just saying it can happen.

So, in the end, I don't think it is necessary for a person to look outside their primary relationship for sex. Similarly, if we are willing to put forth the effort to help our lover get in touch with those kinkier feelings that are buried within her/him then it is not necessary for us to look outside our relationship for bdsm and/or d/s.

Postscript:

You are welcome to print or save this post for your own use. Please do not copy it to any public or semi-public forum (including email groups/lists) without my express permission. Thanks. All rights reserved. (I write this postscript because after-the-fact someone wrote to me to inform me that they had copied a prior post I wrote to another list. So, I thought I'd better clarify what my preference/policy is regarding use of what I write.)

B. (the male half of MemphisDsCouple)




EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/17/2005 9:13:08 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MemphisDsCouple

Bdsm is within all of us.

As is d/s. We practice d/s in every relationship. Work, meeting on the street, driving, going to shcool.... whatever and wherever. "Manners" is just another word for d/s that we have codified in our societal mores. Even kings, pharoahs and potentates submit. Hell, even the president of the USA (widely recognized as the most powerful person in the world) submits to the will of others, however reluctantly. Even literal, legal slaves dominate in their areas of expertise and skill.

I differentiate between "being dominant" "dominance" and "being a dominant in Ds"

I am dominant in most aspects of my life, but I don't consider myself "a dominant."

Ds to me is a specialized form of relationships based on the authority dynamic itself.

The fact that other types of relationships have authority dynamics that grow and change within them is a different situation.



AAkasha -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/17/2005 10:27:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: aa

Thanks of extrapale and LadyAngelika for reply. I think my message was not clear. It is not about cheeting it is about secrets in the life. Some people love their partners in addition there are somethings which are interesting for them and they just keep it hide from their partner. They can go to BDSM clubs and nobody knows or watching BDSM movies when nobody is at home! I ask people who has the same experience? How is it? How much is it painful?


Every person is different, and no one can know how you are going to react if you try to stay "on the edge" of BDSM, looking in. Is it going to make you want more? Is it just the start of a slippery slope? Is it going to make you resent your relationship as you see what other couples are doing? Or is it going to be just that little taste you need?

I think for some people, the voyeurism can be a great outlet. For others, it's just an invitation to get sucked in. If you have a fetish, it can seduce you -- pure and simple. You might wake up something inside of you and not be able to shove it back down. Problem is, you can just try to ignore it, and stifle it, and it isn't really going to go away. For some it gets worse when they try to ignore it.

I've heard lots of stories of married men that wanted to remain faithful to wives, so they just looked at BDSM porn. Maybe hid a few magazines. Then later, it turned into just a little chat room stuff...nothing big. Then, he met someone he clicked with, but he wasn't really looking. Then, he was buying toys...hiding them. Then, he was dying to talk to her on the phone -- just hear her voice. Just once. But then it led to more -- and the phone calls were hidden, the entire lie started to get bigger and bigger...then when does it all end?

These are questions each person has to address for themselves.

Akasha



Mercnbeth -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/17/2005 11:08:00 AM)

quote:

Thanks of extrapale and LadyAngelika for reply. I think my message was not clear. It is not about cheeting it is about secrets in the life. Some people love their partners in addition there are somethings which are interesting for them and they just keep it hide from their partner. They can go to BDSM clubs and nobody knows or watching BDSM movies when nobody is at home! I ask people who has the same experience? How is it? How much is it painful?


aa,
All the doomsday scenarios aside about keeping your predilection a 'secret'; I think you need to honestly answer another question for yourself. Is the "secret" the turn on or the "secret activity"? If having a secret self fulfilling sex life outside your marriage is the driving force I don't see any painful consequences. Your "getting caught" by your wife is a substitute for getting caught masturbating by your parents. The potential embarrassment may be your "real" kink.

However if it is a deeper desire, you are cheating yourself by keeping it a secret. Number one - LIFE IS TOO SHORT! Number Two - This is your life partner, your wife, your should be best friend. Sharing your desires should be part of your life. Her participation can be neutral, all inclusive, or somewhere in between such as watching the movie with you. Why is it easier to share your thoughts and feelings with this anonymous community than it is to share with her? What expected consequence can be so bad?

I believe, the "slippery slope" about the lifestyle is real. But the "slippery slope" you should be more concerned about is your relationship with your spouse. There will be arguments as to whether this is a lie, big or small. The Catholic's would refer to it as a "lie of omission". I think these little secrets are akin to cancer cells. Ultimately they can take over and kill the entire organism.

Sexuality is given too little importance in a marriage or in a relationship. It's almost as if sex is more important before a relationship is consummated by a formal marriage ceremony. There should be MORE fun, not less. MORE experimentation opportunity, not less. MORE sharing, not less. How will you get closer without that attitude? As your situation indicates, you can't - you only create "secret" parts of your relationship distancing yourself from the person you committed to be with for the rest of your life.

Not everything will work. You may not have the same "kink". But you should be able to support and understand each other's need and try and accommodate them as best you can. Ultimately you sleep in the same bed. You may even share a laugh about how some fantasy was better a fantasy than reality. The point is you shared the experience. You'll be closer if you are not afraid to share.

Good luck!



proudsub -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/17/2005 12:17:33 PM)

quote:

Is there any Dom or Sub who married and her husband or wife does not like BDSM life style? I want to know about the feeling of the people that their partner in life and sex is not interested in BDSM and they have kept it as a secret for a long time in their life?


I kept it secret until Hubby found out. We had a long discussion and He surprised me by wanting to learn to be my Master. My mistake was not discussing it with Him from the beginning. Maybe your wife will surprise you with fantacies of her own if you discuss it.



dragonofjapan -> RE: BDSM out side of the home? (6/20/2005 5:07:47 PM)

The only time I have seen this work, was when the partners in the marriage were totally honest about it.

One couple I knew when living in California wrote to me. She wanted to submit and he had no interest. She said she had his permission and I said, if you have his permission then bring him along to the first session at least. I want him to both tell ME you have his full permission and to see exactly what giving me that permission entails.

In the end he discovered, he wanted to be tied to the chair while his wife submitted to me completely.

I have had a few others where husband's sex drive was so low and things of this nature.

I ahve never seen keeping it secret work.

and any of you who read my posts know I had a couple who lived for 16 years with the exact same fantasy, until they met me.

Zip



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