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MY Kink - 6/17/2005 2:51:13 PM

surfergirl

Posts: 38
Joined: 5/19/2005
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I had thought that I had come to terms with my kink. My husband has embraced the lifestyle and our marriage is great. I am submitting to him, we are having fun, we have met great people and I have found peace. Or so I thought.

I have only been in the lifestyle about 3 months now, not long. But my brain has been in it since about age 12. I supressed all my wants and needs for most of my life. I felt weird and like a sick sick person because I had rape fantasies. I have come to realize that they way I felt was fine and normal for ME. I was hurting no one, not even mysel It is who I am. I still beleive this.

BUT, if I beleive all this, WHY am I feeling so guilty for enjoing my new life?I hate that I can not share it with my vanilla friends.. (who are mostly all very straight edge christians, like I used to be) I hate that I have to make excuses for the "pretty necklace " necklace that I wear daily when some one ask's me about its meaning or how "different it is. I feel like a fraud in the real world. I feel like a lier.

I now understand how gay's have felt their whole life. Although I am not gay, I do understand, hiding who you are sucks.

Sorry for the ramble. I just kind of needed to get it out.

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RE: MY Kink - 6/17/2005 3:03:01 PM

MaggieLynn

Posts: 48
Joined: 6/17/2005
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I think the guilt is just a byproduct of the way most of us are raised. All that we do is not "normal" or it's considered "sick" or "twisted".

The fact of the matter is, if your happy, you're marriage is working and your husband is happy then I would just concentrate on that.

Don't expect the "guilt" feelings to fade overnight, but the longer you are in the lifestyle, and the more you actually SEE your marriage working within that context the better you will fell I think.

As for vanilla friends, it is a shame we can't be more open about the way we live, but at least for now that is the way it is.

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RE: MY Kink - 6/17/2005 3:09:59 PM

FangsNfeet

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Surfer girl,

how often have you talked about what goes on in your bedroom when the two of you where having a vanilla relationship?
What goes on between you and your hubbie is no one elses business.

As for your christian friends who think a little kink is sinful, refrase BDSM as "me and my husband are having a better relationship now that I am understanding the bible more about submitting to my husband. He's a happier and better man without us argueing all the time and it's given me less of a headache."

You can't be ashamed of telling them that you are following bibles roles of Husband and Wife now can you? When ppl ask you about the necklace, just say that you husband gave it to you. Life styler or not that's all they need to know.

So there is no reason to feel guilty. Though some have viewed enjoying sex is a sin there is no scripture that says so. I don't know how often you talk about sex with your friends but you can always say that you are enojoying the naughtyness of your beloved husband. A good looking man by day and a wild animal at night.

It's not you that's the freak. It's everyone else that's screwed up.

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RE: MY Kink - 6/17/2005 3:23:00 PM

Leonidas

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Joined: 2/16/2004
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Maybe it's time to stop seeing it as a kink. If you were to go deep enough into the rainforest, you could find people who live as people have lived since the ice-age. They hunt, they gather, they gather together in small clans or bands for mutual support and protection. They dance naked in the firelight to celebrate the mystery and magic of the natural world in which they live. To them, your christian friends are so damn kinky that they'd hardly believe their eyes. Weird! Sick! Twisted!! Who's right? Since those folks have been living pretty much that same way for 10,000 or more years, one could make an argument that your suburbanite christian friends are the wackos who have gone down a blind-alley to nowhere.

Live according to your nature, surfergirl. It's actually the least kinky thing that you could possibly do. Just try not to be too wierded out when your Christian friends try to explain their many kinks to you, or worse yet, want you to adopt them too.

< Message edited by Leonidas -- 6/17/2005 3:24:30 PM >

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RE: MY Kink - 6/17/2005 4:10:29 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
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You are making a mistake in defining yourself through your "kink". As much as I and my slave have embraced this lifestyle, there are still many other facets of us that have nothing to do with BDSM. We don't feel a compulsion to share our "kink" with our vanilla friends, that is reserved for the many wonderful new friends we have made who share our "kink".
Why the strong desire to share everything with your friends? They don't with you. Nor should they.
Enjoy being with your friends and sharing the vanilla parts of your life with them, and instead of complaining, look at this as an opportunity to make new friends who will understand your "kink".

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RE: MY Kink - 6/17/2005 4:14:53 PM

surfergirl

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Joined: 5/19/2005
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thank you all so much.
I don't need to share with everyone. I DO also need to stop thinking of it as my kink, as Leonidas stated.
Its hard though, very hard, when you have always shared everything with your friends.
Thanks again!

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RE: MY Kink - 6/18/2005 6:50:57 AM

fourpeas

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I would agree with rephrasing it in a Biblical context. I was raised VERY TRADITIONALLY Christian, although not excessively conservative, and even though the Biblical passage about submitting to the husband's authority, much of D/s is very spiritual for me. I am very moved by the image of Jesus as a humble and faithful servant, and I completely and totally can understand submission, and on a deeper level, service, in that context. I always have understood service in that context. I don't see any reason why you can't explain to them in nice terms that you and your husband have been looking at that passage, I believe it's in 1 Timothy, and say something like...

My husband and I have been trying to figure out what this means for us, and we've been reinterpreting what it means when I submit to his authority. We've found something that works for us.

Now I don't know how religious or spiritual you are and I'm not trying to get on a soapbox, but I totally understand... that was the point of the exercise. I know a lot of people are not religious and a lot of people are in the lifestyle so it's definitely not my place to judge.

I feel the same way, about sharing everything. I have been a person my whole life to share everything. But now I have more of a feeling where... "Well.. I'm happy. Does my mother need to know what I do behind closed doors that is making me happy? Or does she just need to know that my "boyfriend" flew all the way to NYC to surprise me. Do my grandparents and friends need to know that I wear a collar to sleep every night, or do they just need to know that I'm in a very steady relationship where I'm not seeing other people?" Those questions helped me.

That said, I congratulate you on your happiness and commend you on your bravery.

Most of the people in this world never let anyone know their truest and deepest yearnings, hungers, and desires. For you to even take the step into admitting what it is you WANT is brave, noble, and highly evolved.

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RE: MY Kink - 6/18/2005 6:51:44 AM

fourpeas

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BTW are you a Beach Boys fan by chance? If you are... I might just have to commend you even more... HAHAHA

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RE: MY Kink - 6/18/2005 10:10:44 AM

surfergirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fourpeas

BTW are you a Beach Boys fan by chance? If you are... I might just have to commend you even more... HAHAHA

No, not a beach boys fan.. but i do like some of their stuff... I actually am a REAL surfergirl beleive it or not. I am 37 and have surfed since I was 12. : )

Thanks so much for yor very sweet post. I do appreciate it. I guess in my head I totally understand the servaitude part lining up biblicaly. What I am having trouble with is the S&M part. I so LOVE that part and feel so very very guitly for loving being beat. does that make any sence?

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RE: MY Kink - 6/18/2005 8:32:32 PM

Rayne58

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Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
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Hi surfergirl

I have been living with Master for almost 18 months now and I am still amazed at the things I've found I enjoy! He reckons I am a pain slut and I think He may be right - I have found that I have a need when it comes to being spanked and if I'm not spanked for a few days, for example when Master is ill and not up to play, I find myself feeling restless and needy for want of a better word.

Oh.....and after the first time I was spanked, I went through a time of thinking that I must be very weird to have enjoyed that

However Master explained it like this - it's the way my body is wired and I did not know it for many many years, and now I do I have the right to enjoy it!

We are still discovering my responses to different stimuli and having a lot of fun doing it. It's no one else's business what we get up to in the bedroom, though our friends know us as "the kinky couple"

I don't feel guilty, I feel privileged because finally I'm enjoying my life with the One I love, and what we share is a special thing for both of us.

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RE: MY Kink - 6/20/2005 2:16:33 AM

buffiyum

Posts: 119
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hey surfergirl ~smiles~.....
Thank you for sharing this. It helped to remember that i not the only one who feel that way.
i also felt the 'guilt' at having this wonderful part of my life 'hidden', especially when i was collared and wearing it every day. it looked like what it was - a play collar and there was no 2 ways about it. It was black leather with a single big ring in the centre. Hard to hide that.
i finally just told my boss what it was because she kept asking and left it to her to ask further questions if she wanted to. She didnt.
i took a risk and was lucky. It could easily have gone the other way too.
People reacte often quite negatively to those things they donot understande and thus fear.
The very letters 'bdsm' or the word 'kink', are enough to strike 'fear' into the hearts of those who have never stopped to consider that their desire to 'swat' their mate with the kitchen towel while doing dishes, or pull on her hair while making 'love', are also kinky things. Ssome of Uus just carry that a little further is all (well ok a Whole lot further)!
i like me and i like what People do with me. i love serving and pleasing.
It is hard to share that big big big part of my life, in terms of 'what i do' in bdsm Life, with those who are not 'part of the Life' and i only do that, when i feel i must. What i am, well... that just comes out anyways its just the nature of the girl i think.
buffy

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RE: MY Kink - 6/20/2005 4:03:37 AM

GoddessSasha

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Joined: 3/13/2005
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wow what a brilliant post surfergirl and inspired answers as usual showing that this site can be and is generally about support and understanding.

I have had the guilt thing too and its a bitch. I was brought up in a Christian based social setting although not hardline. I am now a practising witch - very lazy with my practise lol and the whole SM thing is very difficult to align with my beliefs sometimes after all my life is supposed to be lead by "as it harm none, so shall it be" as a philosophy, sometimes very difficult to balance.

As for the rape fantasy - I used to find that a difficult one having spent over ten years working with survivors of rape and child abuse. With time I have come to accept that a fantasy is just that it certainly doesnt mean you want to actively go through that whole ordeal in reality but there are elements of the psychology of it all that provide excitement as well as the physical. As a survivor myself I found it extremely disturbing the first time I had such a fantasy but fortunately I am surrounded by loved ones who I have no problems discussing it with and eventually accepted that it was a valid and useful fantasy just like all my others.

I can be very assertive in terms of sharing my feelings and lifestyle with others and I have no worries about making a huge effort to either help them understand or agree to disagree and can still remain friends if they choose to. I do have a positive attitude based on believing that the world is a better place with me in it ( some say arrogant some say positive its all value judgement based lol) and if someone doesnt get to know me based on what I look like, or what I like in the bedroom, or how I live my life then its their loss.

I am gay and I have been in situations where I have had to hide it so I thank you very very much for that analogy because its often so misunderstood.

I agree wholeheartedly with the poster who said guilt is a byproduct of the way most of us are raised and its often the byproduct undoubtedly of patriarchal religions. How many of us know people who have been screwed up and screwed over by their churches in some way? How many bad things in the world are done in the name of religion? Yet dare to challenge the mainstream and boy you better duck! lol

surfergirl you seem to me to be well balanced and happy and while there may well be things that come along to challenge that Im sure you will ride them out just as you do those waves honey!

love and light
Sasha
x

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RE: MY Kink - 6/20/2005 4:27:28 PM

dragonofjapan

Posts: 91
Joined: 6/30/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: surfergirl

BUT, if I beleive all this, WHY am I feeling so guilty for enjoing my new life?I hate that I can not share it with my vanilla friends.. (who are mostly all very straight edge christians, like I used to be) I hate that I have to make excuses for the "pretty necklace " necklace that I wear daily when some one ask's me about its meaning or how "different it is. I feel like a fraud in the real world. I feel like a liar.

I now understand how gay's have felt their whole life. Although I am not gay, I do understand, hiding who you are sucks.

I have always been quite open but low key about letting people know I am dominant and the women in my life are submissive.

one of my most amusing encounters in my entire life was a banker, uptight southerm baptist, pillar of the community and his equally uptight wife.

He drunk one night confessed he was a horrible man because he wanted to watch his wife be gang raped by a group of blacks. (deep south they live in teh mansion of the old family plantation).

Three weeks later at a Church social picnic, she with a pitcher of sangria and way too much sun, while out in a rowboat confess she was the most foul and disgusting woman because she had these fantasies.... yes group of black men gang raping her.

Well I owned a small business which had said blacks and....

They wasted 16 years having the exact same fantasy in their bed side by side.

What I learned was that old Never Judge a Book.

You might find your friends are just as kinky,or 20 times more kinky and have been suffereing as long if not longer and if you would just let them know it is alright, you could "save" them.

So when someone asks you about your necklace, say my husband and I were having such trouble and we found a passage in the Bible which suddenly seemed to tell me I should submit completely, "and Honey Do I Mean Completely!" and this necklace is my reminder to submit to ALL his needs. (then just stroke the necklace gently with your fingertips.)

Trust me there will not be a dry panty in the room.

Send them to the Song of Solomon and just say since then you have felt just so much more in touch with the Lord and in touch with my feminine side and getting touched much more by His Masculine side, well more like a pointer, if you get what I mean.

Try it out.

I have 'converted' many a pure, yet troubled Christian, Jew and strict et al in my life.

Practice your delievery. Always say you are just following God's inspired teachings to you.
They can never call you on it. They would look like they do not believe in God.

Zip

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She who serves truly rules

Life is not measured by the breaths we take,
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Honor is not making good choices,
it is dealing with the consequences.

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RE: MY Kink - 6/20/2005 4:59:49 PM

subcheryl

Posts: 280
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I have had fantasies of spankings since I beleive I was about 4 yrs old and playing "house" with two of my sisters, but it wasn't till I was 48 that I have been able to live it, with my Master now. Oh how I love it, but yes if I had said such to anyone they would have thought I was nuts, in fact, with a couple of my last "guy friends", I did tell them of this fantasy and they just could not deliver. Have always felt the relationship between a couple,(man and a woman), should be as described in the bible, woman submitting to her man. The typical leave it to beaver idea, oh how I wish. I think on some level most do feel guilty for living their lives the way they do. For me I think part of the guilt is that is is somewhat selfish, doing for me. I told my boys that they are grown, with families of their own, at least 3 out of the four have families, and the youngest is going on to school and it is time for me, in my relationship I find completeness with Master, and have found a place I belong. I say enjoy and yes just rephrase the answers that you give to the questions, my knecklace I just tell them has a special meaning between my significant other and myself.

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