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One, a few or many - 7/11/2007 10:09:56 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Now this is not the place to snap at each other's preferences---however in the last few weeks, I have seen posts about having one submissive, having many submissives etc----well for years I sought one, now My life jas changed where I have come to appreciate that different boys can fulfill different needs----not to say I am gathering numbers for the sake of numbers, but selecting different styles to match My different styles----thoughts?
 
What is the upside?
What is the downside?

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SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

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RE: One, a few or many - 7/11/2007 10:26:52 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Poly in any type of dynamic has the same problems: scheduling for everyone and making sure everyone gets needs met.

Remember each new person is not one more relationship dynamic but a group of dynamics.

Take my triad currently.

Me and Tom
Me and Fox
Tom and Fox
The three of us

That's 4 different relationships we have to manage plus our our private time and other relationships outside the family.

Now let's add imaginary slave, Ben, to the mix.

Me and Tom
Me and Fox
Me and Ben
Tom and Fox
Tom and Ben
Fox and Ben
Tom, Fox, and Ben
Me, Tom, and Fox
Me, Tom, and Ben
All four of us

Notice how the number of relationships dynamics grew with just one new person?

Poly is not easy but it can be rewarding -- lots of people to do all sorts of things with, fewer chores for everyone as they are spread out, shared interests without the pressure of being the only person you can do X with, etc. It is always unique to the people in it.

You as dominant need a lot of patient and a very good ability to manage time and delegate work.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 7/11/2007 10:42:22 AM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: One, a few or many - 7/11/2007 10:56:24 AM   
ocilla


Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline 		Wow Tammyjo - exponential complications. 

I have not settled in with any one person yet as I am in serious exploration phase.  The downside of multiple playmates is that none of them feels particularly committed to me since I am not strongly committed to any one of them.  And even though they are cool with it by concept there is a certain undercurrent that keeps all of us holding back a bit.  The power dynamic and emotional exchange requires a certain amount of vulnerability no matter whether in Domme or Sub role and naturally we don't tend to tap into vulnerability until we have to.  So going a bit deeper into the dynamics and power exchange is not liekly to happen till I settle down a bit more.  But I find  that for now just one person is not very practical for me because with just one person I tended to put too much weight and emphasis on that one person/relationship as I go about trying all the sorts of activities and ideas that I get in my creative brain.  Having a few folks with different proclivities means I get to travel through my interests a lot faster - and I get to learn from my multiple and often more experienced bottoms as well. 

In a more long term arrangment I would listen carefully to Tammyjo's advice.  Earthycouple (I think that the name) probably will have some good advice too. She has her husband and her Robert so is juggling multiple relationships.

< Message edited by ocilla -- 7/11/2007 11:01:33 AM >

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Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: One, a few or many - 7/11/2007 1:36:57 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		*S* well thank you ocilla for the "shout out" *S* I don't know if I have good advice but what I can say is juggling multiple people is not easy.  Tammyjo has the exponential build just right because even if you are only integrating with the "newcomer" it still affects everyone else.  So in effect even if they never meet all of your interactions affect the others from how much time one gets to when that time comes.

With my live in situation there is more of an effect because I not only have my husband and Robert but I have my UM's too.  Beyond that...I do have a couple of occasional play partners who have definately been pushed aside while we build the live in dynamic.  I didn't do it purposefully at first but today feel it is right to do so.  (I will say that my casual partners are all aware for what I searched and know that when I found my live in our dynamics may change some...I never hide stuff like that). 

While my husband and Robert do not interact in a BDSM or M/s dynamic they are building a friendship and learning to trust.  My husband has the utmost trust in me as does Robert.  The questions arise when Robert wonders if my husband is really as "ok" with what goes on as he appears (he is, by the way).  My husband the ever easygoing guy just goes with the flow but when "situations" arise he's there to help diffuse them.  A situation is, for example, Robert's unsuredness due to homesickness and learning to blend in.  Ultimately it was my husband who allayed his fears.

When I decide to bring in another (and one day I'd love to find a female crazy enough to come play house with us *S*) I know the dynamic will change in even greater ways because I'll want her attentions as will I expect that she and Robert enjoy each other; beyond that...I hope beyond hope that my husband will be enticed and find his footing as well.  Occasionally I feel a bit um....guilty? that my husband is so wonderful to me and allows me these daliances where as he just goes with the flow and doesn't engage in similar daliances (by choice).  I digress.

The most difficult part truly is finding someone who not only fits in with the already established family but ensuring that person is truly ok with all of the relationships.  My family can be a bit scary sometimes and I know that...so finding someone who really fits the bill is difficult.  The more people you add the more difficult it becomes. 

Think in terms of a classroom.  You have a class of 3...all seem to get along, work well together and each believes the others have good input and questions.  Enter the 4th...he's brass and boorish and doesn't simply ask a question but tells his life story with every question and he goes off topic at least three times in each class.  I personally would want to hang this person from the rafters, gagged and blindfolded.  My husband...bah...he'd be ok with it, he's easy going.  Robert, who is more like I am would be irritated and would probably be more likely to speak his mind and try to put this guy in his place.  The new guy...well he's oblivious and just keeps on keeping on... How does the "professor" (read dominant) make this dynamic work?  Whew...

Now...as for the reward in this...OMG... it's amazing.  Building what we have built so far has benefits that FAR outweigh the problems.  Robert fulfills a part of me that no one else can.  He brings who I am full circle and I know that I help complete him as well.  Each day I wake to know I have the most amazing husband and the most wonderful slave.  My family is happy and content.  Robert is fitting in wonderfully and my husband not only likes him, but appreciates what he brings to our home.  My moods are better, we play more games, laugh more, and generally enjoy each others' company as a whole family.  Robert is also another adult who provides for some "breaks" when it comes to the UMs.  I've worked hard to ensure my slave does not turn nanny and Robert is happy to assist on occasion when necessary which means both my husband and I get more sleep these days.  I am finally letting all of who I am come to the surface on a daily basis which in and of itself provides a great stress release. 

Some people wonder why in the heck I ever married a "vanilla" man...which by the way is a misnomer...how can anyone be "vanilla" yet allow his wife what mine allows me?  I married him because he is a beautiful man who completes almost all of me in ways I never thought possible and what he couldn't personally give to me, he was happy to allow others in. 

So...all in all I'm thrilled to have what I do and I wouldn't trade it for anything...confusing and hard at time or not it is well worth it.  I have no desire to create a stable with boys and girls here there and everywhere but I'd be miserable without my Robert and my husband.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to ocilla)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: One, a few or many - 7/11/2007 1:47:49 PM   
Tatshua


Posts: 31
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Poly in any type of dynamic has the same problems: scheduling for everyone and making sure everyone gets needs met.

Remember each new person is not one more relationship dynamic but a group of dynamics.

Take my triad currently.

Me and Tom
Me and Fox
Tom and Fox
The three of us

That's 4 different relationships we have to manage plus our our private time and other relationships outside the family.

Now let's add imaginary slave, Ben, to the mix.

Me and Tom
Me and Fox
Me and Ben
Tom and Fox
Tom and Ben
Fox and Ben
Tom, Fox, and Ben
Me, Tom, and Fox
Me, Tom, and Ben
All four of us

Notice how the number of relationships dynamics grew with just one new person?

Poly is not easy but it can be rewarding -- lots of people to do all sorts of things with, fewer chores for everyone as they are spread out, shared interests without the pressure of being the only person you can do X with, etc. It is always unique to the people in it.

You as dominant need a lot of patient and a very good ability to manage time and delegate work.


Thats exactly why I'm not into poly. It seems too hard trying to care for everyones and your own needs. I do see the plus side, but the down side is too big for me to think I'd be able to handle it.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: One, a few or many - 7/11/2007 1:57:49 PM   
DiannaVesta


Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline 		It would be impossible for one slave to meet all my needs. I may have 12 in training but only a select few will ever make it to collar status. I prefer to have 2 primary slaves and a few part time slaves that come to visit several or more times a year or I travel to them.
  It really all depends on your lifestyle and preferences. I need at least a few people just to help manage my busy life so I have time to have a little fun.

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RE: One, a few or many - 7/11/2007 2:01:05 PM   
Tatshua


Posts: 31
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah, I can see why people might like it. But it's just not for me, I don't know if I could handle it.

(in reply to DiannaVesta)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: One, a few or many - 7/11/2007 6:21:44 PM   
PairOfDimes


Posts: 324
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline 		Yes, I'm all for the idea that one gets more desires met more fully when one chooses different people to fulfill different desires. Absolutely. Compartmentalizing.

The big downsides? Managing energy and time. I'm always finding myself saying, "Gosh, I'd love to get together with you, but I'm booked Monday and Wednesday, and you're booked Tuesday and Friday, and on Thursday I'll be pooped from a big day at work..." When I divide up my leisure time, it's important for me to have time alone, and to have time with my (nonsubmissive) primary, too, so that really limits time I can spend with submissives. It would be a heck of a lot easier to get a person who could change shape, gender, reactions, play style, and desires at will. My will, that is. But, you know, that's not going to happen, so I pick different people and steadily wish I could spend more time with them all.

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: One, a few or many - 7/11/2007 7:22:29 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Sounds a great deal like my household, earthcouple.

I could say almost identical things about Tom and Fox though Tom can drive me freaking crazy sometimes.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to earthycouple)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: One, a few or many - 7/12/2007 12:56:07 AM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		I tend to put a lot of emotional (and otherwise) energy into relating to a submissive, and would be unlikely to take on more than one.  At this point, I would be interested in having a primary relationship and dating outside of that.  It would be somewhere in the gray area between poly and cuckolding.

MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: One, a few or many - 7/12/2007 12:35:02 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		Not to mention some relationships require "boxing" and "walls" because the participants in a multiple partner situation may not share the same goals.

For instance A-B-C-D are in an arrangement. Its quite possible that A won't want any contact with C, while in a relationship with B & D.

Hence, there becomes an information flow and conflict managment problem, a problem who's scope widens with the introduction of any new person into the equation.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: One, a few or many - 7/12/2007 2:49:20 PM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		I have My special One (Punk) but I like
having others around to help out with stuff around the house etc.

I agree that some worms (My pet word for My submissives) are better at some things than others.
So for Me having many talents around is extremely helpful for daily life.

E/everyone needs to meet and get along or in My opinion its a hard thing to make work.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 12
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