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PairOfDimes -> RE: How Do I As the Sub... (7/12/2007 7:12:00 PM)
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Would it ruin playtime for you, or for your partner, if you threw in a few directions when having sex/play? If you know what you want, then you can couch it in whatever terms you find hottest or most convincing. Begging might be a nice way to phrase requests. Honorifics could help cushion it, too. You might offer to put on a show for him by masturbating for him--then you get to touch yourself, and he gets to watch. (It's helpful in this case to pay a small amount of attention to making it look hot--in other words, if you have a choice between curling into a ball on your side and lying on your back with your legs over your head, and they're more or less equally effective, choose the latter.)
I think that if he's trying hard to give you pleasure, the frustration isn't the goal. Thus, by telling him what you want, you're helping him do what he wants, and thus engaging in a sort of proactive, anticipatory service, yes?
Yes, faking at first makes it harder. You could perhaps wean yourself off the faking. Have you had any authentic orgasms in your sex life together? If so, you have the option of presenting those orgasms as really enormously outstanding and proposing more of the same--this would involve a little talking, yes, but since it's a suggestion and request and one that praises his prowess thus far, expressing relative preference, it might not be as scary. You could also, while having sex, NOT fake when the ineffective technique is used, express limited pleasure, and, if your partner becomes frustrated at its ineffectiveness, perhaps use one of the above "cushioned" tactics to suggest one of your favored activities.
Yes, sexual dissatisfaction is a tough thing to talk about, and I imagine it's even tougher if you're very into pleasing your partner. As I wrote above, you could focus on the positive and reinforce that behavior--when you get one of your good orgasms, or anything in that direction, encourage it! Respond well--exaggerate your reactions a very small bit, perhaps. Do things he finds fun or rewarding, too, and show enthusiasm for sex generally (that is, if that's something he values).
While I absolutely want you to have at least a short conversation about how to make sex better, I'm not in favor of making an event or confession of this talk, nor of writing a long letter detailing your feelings. This may be a personal preference, but I think long letters and heart-to-hearts make a big deal out of issues and might make you both feel more awkward. Moreover, if it's important to you to have a sexually confident partner, (and I suspect this is the case, although I might be assuming wrongly), then it's to your advantage to preserve his ego as much as possible. Again, I think you should do something about your sexual dissatisfaction--I just don't think that you should make it a Problem In Our Relationship unless you absolutely must.
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