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How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 3:14:30 AM

BDsbabygirl

Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
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let my Dom know that he's just not quite doing it for me? My Dom, more than anything else, is my boyfriend/fiancee (our relationship is mostly vanilla, I mean) so I know we can - and do - talk about anything but how do I bring up that I have trouble orgasming? I seem to be one of those women who can't orgasm or only can by lots and lots of oral sex or manual stimulation (but only when done by myself) and my Dom tries so hard to please me...

I was used to faking in the vanilla world so when our relationship began, I faked...which is now making this all the harder. As the bottom, how do I approach the Top - who's supposed to be in control - and tell him these things? Isn't he supposed to be the one in control? Since sex is the main arena of the D/s facet of our relationship, I don't want to feel as though I'm topping from the bottom, but I can't fathom continuing in this fashion either...

A popular response will probably be to talk about it OUTSIDE the bedroom, where we're relatively equal. It is a good idea but I don't know quite how to do it there either...

Post #: 1

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 3:17:05 AM

laineyjade

Posts: 56
Joined: 6/4/2007
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maybe you can copy what you wrote here, just personalize it a little, and send it to him as a note explaining that you're nervous and embarrased about it? I think it's going to be hard no matter how you approach it because it's just that touchy of a subject, but too it's so common that hopefully you two can work something out.

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 2

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 3:19:35 AM

bandit25

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You bring it up by bringing it up. Have a calm, peaceful dinner...maybe take a walk. Make sure you are both relaxed and simply start talking. Alternatively, I guess you could (playfully) show him how you make yourself cum when you masturbate. He may be in control, but he's not a mind reader. How does he know you're not orgasming if you're good at faking it? If he is trying to make you orgasm and you're not, then he needs to know that. That's not topping from the bottom. That's giving him information he needs. You don't have to make it sound like it's his fault...just that you have always had difficulty orgasming.

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 3

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 4:00:14 AM

spiral23

Posts: 1053
Joined: 1/10/2007
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i agree with laineyjade, writing a letter to him, keeping it open and honest including how you feel about bad about faking it in the past, but that you trust and love him enough to share this with him now..and that he is still a great lover to you...it will give him time to absorb and process the information and get over those intial defensiveness feelings..which hopefully will lead to an open chat between you...and yeah...show him what you like and how you like it...i hope everything works out and hes soon getting you off for real...

edited for spelling

< Message edited by spiral23 -- 7/12/2007 4:02:33 AM >

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 4

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 4:01:42 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
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Although your situation is by no means a dominance issue, one of the things that might be helpful to you as a submissive is understand that you should be as 'transparent' as possible to him. Hopefully, he is able to see into much of who you are and what you are about, but that's not always enough. You need to be able to fill in the gaps. You should 'want' to fill in the gaps with the things he does not know about you. This is clearly one, very important thing. That you started this relationship, and have apparently continued it, with a 'fib', has not been the way to go.

You say that you can't 'fathom continuing in this fashion'. Once he finds out he has not been as pleasing as he imagined, it could very well come as a blow to his ego. Not only his 'just a guy' ego, but his dom ego as well. Good luck with that.

Jeff

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(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 5

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 4:46:27 AM

Tarisa

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I would just fess up to him. In the vanilla world faking it is just good if there is a really good movie or show that is about to start.

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Post #: 6

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 4:50:44 AM

Cloudz

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Joined: 9/13/2005
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I would suggest researching it a bit on your own. Surf the net, read a few books on the topic of female orgasams, talk to your OB/GYN. When you have educated yourself a bit on your own body, that might be a good time to bring up what you have learned.

Best of luck!

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(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 7

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 5:10:29 AM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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Wanting to have your needs met is not topping from the bottom. You need to consider things such as intent and timing and context. If I were you, I would ask my Dom for some time to discuss something that is important and bothering me. Do not do this during sex, it needs to be at another time (as has been suggested, a time when you are both calm and relaxed).

This man is your fiance and you need to find a way to be comfortable talking about issues in your life, especially things like this that can have a big impact on your intimacy.

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Post #: 8

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 5:25:52 AM

Aileen68

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I think Hallmark sells "You suck in bed" cards. That should do the trick.

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Post #: 9

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 5:35:49 AM

instynctive

Posts: 2726
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You can invite b and I over. If W/we don't make you explode, no one can.. ;-)

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RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 5:39:13 AM

TankII7871

Posts: 174
Joined: 4/22/2005
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As others have said be open and honest. You may also ask if there are things he likes that you do or don't do. be ready for the hit to his ego and also helping to build that back up. Its my belief that if he is like most men he will take it as a challenge so be ready for lots of new things he may try. I had a student once whose girl couldn't orgasm standing in the end they got past that but they had allot of fun getting there:)

just a Country Boy with a little learnin

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 11

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 7:34:06 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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This really is just one of those things you have to screw up the courage and say (after you've decided to do sexual stuff, but before you actually get started).

I'm surprised this conversation didn't come up before you guys agreed to a commitment together, but my guess is you hid the truth because you were scared. Now the truth must come out, if he honestly wants to make you happy, he needs to know the truth to do that. If he honestly wants to make you happy, that will mean taking all the time in the world to help you orgasm, hopefully in time allowing you to orgasm easier and more securely, and above all- being ok with you getting yourself off or not even worrying about your orgasm.

Time to fess up and start making this a really solid relationship.

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Post #: 12

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 8:13:20 AM

proudsub

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From: Washington
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It might help to have him use toys on you since that is how you orgasm by yourself. I do much better with toys.

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(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 13

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 11:35:20 AM

SimplyMichael

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It isn't WHAT you tell him it is HOW you tell him. Don't open with "you don't make me cum" which will put him on the defensive. Instead say something that makes him feel GOOD. Perhaps:

"I know YOU want to please me and I trust you enough to tell you a horrible secret" (it isn't really horrible but you want him to know you are embarrassed and then HE gets to "save/fix" you which us dominants love doing)

or

"You are a good enough lover that for the first time I feel I don't have to fake it anymore"

Because here is what the poor guy is going to hear "my fiancee is telling me she fakes it because I suck in bed and I can't trust her because she has been faking/lying to me"

SO, the way you tell him this has to assuage those fears, don't accuse him, ask him for help. We LOVE mounting our white horses and riding the rescue of our women, give him that chance and he will sweep you off your feet rather than wall himself up in his castle.

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 14

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 11:50:17 AM

proudsub

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From: Washington
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I'm thinking maybe she doesn't have to tell him she's been faking, but instead find ways for him to give her an orgasm for real. Maybe approach it as giving her a more intense orgasm. For me toys and clothes pins on my nips greatly increase the intensity.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 15

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 7:12:00 PM

PairOfDimes

Posts: 324
Joined: 7/20/2006
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Would it ruin playtime for you, or for your partner, if you threw in a few directions when having sex/play? If you know what you want, then you can couch it in whatever terms you find hottest or most convincing. Begging might be a nice way to phrase requests. Honorifics could help cushion it, too. You might offer to put on a show for him by masturbating for him--then you get to touch yourself, and he gets to watch. (It's helpful in this case to pay a small amount of attention to making it look hot--in other words, if you have a choice between curling into a ball on your side and lying on your back with your legs over your head, and they're more or less equally effective, choose the latter.)

I think that if he's trying hard to give you pleasure, the frustration isn't the goal. Thus, by telling him what you want, you're helping him do what he wants, and thus engaging in a sort of proactive, anticipatory service, yes?

Yes, faking at first makes it harder. You could perhaps wean yourself off the faking. Have you had any authentic orgasms in your sex life together? If so, you have the option of presenting those orgasms as really enormously outstanding and proposing more of the same--this would involve a little talking, yes, but since it's a suggestion and request and one that praises his prowess thus far, expressing relative preference, it might not be as scary. You could also, while having sex, NOT fake when the ineffective technique is used, express limited pleasure, and, if your partner becomes frustrated at its ineffectiveness, perhaps use one of the above "cushioned" tactics to suggest one of your favored activities.

Yes, sexual dissatisfaction is a tough thing to talk about, and I imagine it's even tougher if you're very into pleasing your partner. As I wrote above, you could focus on the positive and reinforce that behavior--when you get one of your good orgasms, or anything in that direction, encourage it! Respond well--exaggerate your reactions a very small bit, perhaps. Do things he finds fun or rewarding, too, and show enthusiasm for sex generally (that is, if that's something he values).

While I absolutely want you to have at least a short conversation about how to make sex better, I'm not in favor of making an event or confession of this talk, nor of writing a long letter detailing your feelings. This may be a personal preference, but I think long letters and heart-to-hearts make a big deal out of issues and might make you both feel more awkward. Moreover, if it's important to you to have a sexually confident partner, (and I suspect this is the case, although I might be assuming wrongly), then it's to your advantage to preserve his ego as much as possible. Again, I think you should do something about your sexual dissatisfaction--I just don't think that you should make it a Problem In Our Relationship unless you absolutely must.

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 16

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/12/2007 7:19:00 PM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
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Men do not have a crystal ball as to what makes a woman cum. We are all different. The most important thing is to communicate. It can be done before, during or after, but the approach is different.

You can get exactly what you want by moaning the right way and saying, baby, oh yes, keep going, lower, softer, whatever it is....I guarantee I can always get off is someone listens to my moans and words. If not, he is not listening.

It is nothing to be embarrassed about; you are entitled to get off as fabulously as you want.

Oh, and I totally agree this is not a sub/Dom thing; it is a personal communication thing.

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Post #: 17

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/13/2007 4:49:49 AM

daddysliloneds

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you could talk about it a million ways to sunday, and truthfully, i don't think it would do much good if he hasn't already noticed that you're not orgasming; good luck all the same.

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 18

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/13/2007 6:19:46 AM

beargonewild

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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Seems to me that one quite easy way is to mention to your Dom that there are a few things which are bothering you and you would like to discuss them on neutral ground. When that happens, simply start voicing a minor concern and that usually leds to voicing another concern and then another.
Chances are your Dom will appreciate you being open and truthful and then, between the both of you, work on these issues together and help solidify the relationship even more.

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Post #: 19

RE: How Do I As the Sub... - 7/13/2007 12:52:49 PM

PAcpllooking

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Joined: 5/14/2004
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First thing is to find out how you can cum by yourself. Try differant things.
You cant tell someone what to do unless you know what it is that works. If you find out that something works besides what you have already stated then tell him. The key I think is to see ig you can make it easier to cum yourself first. Then after you try and nothing else works, come clean with him, apologize to him and work together on it.
William

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 20

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