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fear - 7/12/2007 11:26:31 AM

Tylove

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Joined: 6/16/2007
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iam a new slave wanting to know how to get over your fear of the first time.

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RE: fear - 7/12/2007 11:27:44 AM

slaveish

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Get over your fear of the first time what, Ty? Of being owned? Being used? Coming face-to-face with your enslavement?

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to Tylove)

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RE: fear - 7/12/2007 11:28:17 AM

mistoferin

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The only way to get over the fear of it is to do it. Just be sure that you take the time BEFORE hand to make good decisions about who you are experiencing your first time with.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Tylove)

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RE: fear - 7/12/2007 4:59:55 PM

earthycouple

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mistoferin is spot on. Not much better advice than that.

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D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to mistoferin)

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RE: fear - 7/12/2007 7:30:27 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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Slow down and ask a million questions of him first. Become friends first. Gather a measure of trust in him first. Does he fly into rages? Does he act politely to waitresses and clerks or is he rude to them? Does he agree to go at a pace you can handle or does he demand you do everything immediately.

Pick a person, not a scene. And just go one day at a time. There isn't anything very scary about having coffee in Starbucks with a blind date. If you like him go for a walk afterwards. If you feel a connection sit on a bench in the park and kiss. Nothing scary in any of that and you can stop and say enough for now at any point. If he isn't willing to stop when you need to, then he isn't the right one. There isn't any time schedule to adhere to, it's a relationship not a train.

(in reply to earthycouple)

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RE: fear - 7/13/2007 2:15:50 AM

LadyHeart

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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Fear is healthy. It is put there to protect us. So ask yourself : what is the fear about? If there is any way in which your instincts are telling you that something is feeling a bit "off" then listen to that fear! If it's just fear that you might not like the experience, that's a whole different thing, but fear .... it's not necessarily something to blithely dismiss....

:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to Celeste43)

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RE: fear - 7/13/2007 3:06:36 AM

kossack

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I have lots of fear and I'm not really a newbie anymore. There are several fears, and I think it is helpful to identify what your fears are. For me, they've been 3 main categories.

First of all, fear of safety--that is totally important--you need to listen to that. Anyone who makes you scared is probably not healthy. Slow down, get to know him/her.

Second of all: Fear of your desire. Oooh, do I know about this one! I still sometimes question what I want or where I belong, so I don't have an magic answer, but disentangling it from fear for safety is really important. What I want scares me sometimes. And what I want sexually is different than emotionally and intellectually. I think time, journaling, noticing my reactions and saying "OK, this is a safety issue--listen to my fear and be safe" vs. "OK, this is my emotional fear of embracing who I am. Let's stay with it a little longer" has been absolutely key to me.

Finally, at least for me, there is fear of losing my inner core/self/not being true to my values/morals. Sometimes it seems like there is a package deal for some people with WIITWD, and that package may not work for you. For me, I don't 'play' and I'm not promiscuous. You can turn this into a salad bar and say "this is where I surrender, but this isn't part of what I'll surrender over."

(in reply to LadyHeart)

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RE: fear - 7/13/2007 3:16:45 AM

bandit25

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All the posters have given you some wonderful advice. My advice is...why label yourself as a slave without having had any experience? I know it's just a label but many people take labels a bit too seriously. Why not just be someone who is curious about D/s or M/s and go from there?

(in reply to Tylove)

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RE: fear - 7/13/2007 3:40:37 AM

kaprecia

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Joined: 7/8/2007
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Fear is healthy, it keeps you smart.

Know where you are going, with whom you are going there with, and communicate how far you wish to go before you ever begin. If during the 'get to know' time you do not naturally overcome your fears... DON'T GO THERE!

Good luck to you.
kaprecia

(in reply to Tylove)

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RE: fear - 7/13/2007 8:08:37 AM

littleone35

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It depends on what you are afraid of. I was nervous the first time i met my Master so i think fear/nerves are perfectly natural. Of course if it is him you are afraid of i would not go any further in this relationship. Could you clafry what this fear is about?

Matt's littleone

(in reply to kaprecia)

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RE: fear - 7/14/2007 9:46:45 AM

meticulousgirl

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What are you afraid of. Is this your first time scening?

If it is your first time scening express your fear to the Dom in question He or She should understand but my advice would be to use your fear to create a more submissive role for yourself, use your fear to become pleasing for the Dominant that you will be with. Communication is important and the Dominant isn't going to not scene with you for communicating that you are afraid of what's to come, it appears that you are new, they shouldn't deny you because of that.

Fear is normal, to this day four and a half years later i still get afraid of stuff, even stuff i've done a million times and my Dominant is still very understanding about it but also helps me use it to both of our advantages.

~meticulous~

(in reply to Tylove)

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RE: fear - 7/14/2007 2:48:40 PM

Cloudz

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Tylove,

As others have stated, you will get much better information if we know what you are afraid of.

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Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to Tylove)

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RE: fear - 7/15/2007 3:15:21 AM

subiugo

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Just telling a little bit about myself...
i knew i was a submissive for all my life (of course at the age of 4 i didn't know that very difficult word 'submissive' but the feeling was there.) It were difficult feelings because they were very confuse AND they were forbidden. So it was difficult to give these feelings the right place in my personality. And as happens with 'confused and forbidden' feelings, they can easily turn in some kind of obsession, or as we are calling it in our community a 'fetish'. And i must say: it were my obsessions and 'fetishes' i feared the most. Because they made me doubt wether i am a 'normal' person or i am 'insane' in some sense.

For me, i good way to handle my fear was coming to terms with my feelings of submission, to give them the right place in my personality. (see this article) This gives me some confidence in approaching people. And if you approach people with confidence, they approach you with respect, even if they are Dominant and you are submissive. And where mutual respect governs, fear disappears.

And i know it is not always a popular subject, but training can help. If you want to play a sports, before your first 'real' match you had a lot of training. If you want to be a surgeon, before you operate your first patient, you had a lot of training. If you want to be a submissive, some training can help to feel more confident in approaching people. If you are interested in my training experiences, read the articles in my blog.

< Message edited by subiugo -- 7/15/2007 3:19:48 AM >

(in reply to Tylove)

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RE: fear - 7/15/2007 4:47:16 AM

eyesopened

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i too would like to know what "first time" you're referring to? There are ways to experience sensations like pain in fairly safe environments like dungeons or attend munch groups that offer hands-on demonstrations or other educational tools. First time being owned? Jumping into a relationship where trust hasn't been developed should be scary!

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Tylove)

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RE: fear - 7/15/2007 5:01:04 AM

Donnalee

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You probably won't get over the fear of your first time, but you can live through it. Be as safe and intelligent as you can, and then cross the bridge using the trust you've developed in your partner as your fuel. Feel the fear and then make choices on your own behalf. Eventually that choice may be to completely let yourself go to a worthy master.

(in reply to eyesopened)

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RE: fear - 7/15/2007 3:17:45 PM

asiandoll27

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I agree with all those that say fear is very healthy - it keeps you on your toes in forces you to confront it by learning more. There are some fears taht never go away, but after your firt time - some will have.

(in reply to Donnalee)

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RE: fear - 7/16/2007 5:48:29 AM

champagnewishes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Tylove

iam a new slave wanting to know how to get over your fear of the first time.

By finding the one that you are comfortable entrusting your fear to......

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Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.

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RE: fear - 7/16/2007 11:00:07 AM

slaveofKaos

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Well I dont think you will get over the fear completly and thats not a bad thing as it normally makes the first time that much more fun, however be smart and make sure you are safe and that you feel comfortable with whoever you're with. There is good fear which is the fear of not knowing whats going to happen, you get the nervous feeling and you shake a litle but you always feel safe. Then theres the bad fear which is "am I going to make it through this alive?." Just be smart about your play and who you play with. Dont be afarid to take a lot of time to get to know who your with.

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slave jodi

(in reply to champagnewishes)

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