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patrinska -> issues with a willful yet valuable online sub (7/12/2007 10:44:07 PM)
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i have had this online sub male for just over a year. things between us have often been volatile but very lovely all at once. he doesn't fit the usual stereotype of male online submissive that i've encountered: he is highly intelligent, considerate, has many interests in
me & my life outside of my domination, and considers me to be a very great friend of his as well as mentor of sorts. i too feel a powerful attraction to him that borders on many things, not the least of which is my desire to guide him into becoming a better person. the distance isn't the problem i want to talk about here, it's an issue of how he seems to be dealing with (or not dealing with) the fact that i cuckolded him online this past week. of course this was carefully negotiated beforehand, or at least i thought it was on both ends. his response was anti climactic at best, which leads me to believe a few things: he's trying to convince me that it really didn't bother him, or maybe he didn't quite realise the consequences of getting what he asked for, or maybe he just lets his depression about other things interfere too much with his feelings of submission. it could be all three with him even, and he's only 21. his lack of a response really bothered me, almost to the point where i wanted to walk out on him...which i did for over a month when he last displeased me in a big way. domination is a huge part of what goes on with us, but he is so willful & independent in other areas of his life that it makes me question the validity of his submission to me. i guess i'm asking for some advice on how to deal with him.
i have posted relevant chats below. i am msp, he is s.
msp: 90% of the guys here are cut.
4:20 PM
s: So, its a good thing I am or not? But yes, I do hope you find a guy you can perform with on camera with me. One that is bi and semi dominant could be a plus too, so he can tease me like you will be doing.
msp: that was intended to be random.
msp: i may be able to do that sooner than you think. interested?
s: Well, yeah. That would be amazing to see. Who do you have in mind?
msp: sooner than you think as in tomorrow late afternoon. a, my 1st sub. he's reluctant to show his face but would show you anything else.
s: Thats not the guy you were copying and pasting AIM convos from was it?
msp: nope, that was g. i never talk to a online. we just talk on the phone & exchange the occasional email.
msp: he's about 34, 6'2, about 155, 160, 8.5.
4:25 PM
s: Well yeah, that seems fine with me. I didn't think it was that G guy, seeings you were saying he was pathetic and everything a while ago. Where will you be located in this special cam jam then?
msp: in fact he would probably take credit for making me a domme, the whore. um, i think i'd either figure out a way to do it in my room, if not that then in here with a similar set up like today.
msp: he is hot though, i'll give him that.
s: Fair enough. As long as I can hear the sounds too, I'm not complaining. I'm guessing he knows what I look like, yes?
msp: no, but i can arrange that. you should be able to hear if we do it in here. if we can't for whatever reason, i was thinking about doing a series of facebook vids instead.
msp: i told you i had a surprise for you, didn't i?
4:30 PM
s: Yeah, either is fine with me. If I can't make the session for a reason, then vids are a pretty good alternative plan. Well, its a surprise you've pretty much arranged this so early, I didn't expect that.
msp: neither did i. honestly, i was just going out of my mind here when i called him last week. i needed someone to take out my excess domme energy on. since you dropped the sex bomb on me, i'm having....issues keeping my domme energy under proper control.
msp: never even mind my loss of control in other places though
s: Ah, gotcha. Yep, all my fault. So are you going to be doing regular sex with him or anything else in mind? I'll be going away for around three days near the end of the month, for that concert. Haven't been to one in three years.
4:35 PM
msp: i can't give you that much credit though, a lot of it yes i was thinking regular sex and perhaps some domination. he can take a lot of cbt, i was thinking about....a demonstration.
msp: yes, you need to see more live music, the police were grand
msp: so were you expecting i'd hand you live copies of some of your fantasies so soon?
s: Until you do the real thing with me, that would be excellent to see. I think I'll plug in my headphones during our next session for several reasons. I'm guessing you're going to get quite verbal. I seriously did not expect you to spring this on me so soon, its an amazing surprise. So, thanks for that.
4:40 PM
msp: yes, i plan on it. he's going to not be around for a few months at least, so i needed to catch him this week before he got really busy with work. i was thinking about other ways to surprise you, but then he came out of nowhere & i may as well take that opportunity. i can imagine there are few dommes that would be as gracious as i am you're welcome hun.
msp: painful burn dear? i know how much those can hurt. i never burn though.
4:45 PM
msp: i can't help but be fully animated at all times.
s: Yeah, you could say that. Not nice when it constantly peels either. At least it'll eventually turn into a tan. Seeings hes larger than me, I'm guessing its not going to be hard for you to tease me about it. It will be the first time I've ever watched somebody I know personally with another person too, so its going to be quite an experience to encounter first time.
4:50 PM
msp: i was wondering about that dear, that's why i offered videos instead. i wasn't quite sure about it totally live myself, as i know i'd be obsessed with camera angles & shit. but there are all sorts of other things in play there too. i honestly don't mind if you get jealous in some way. if anything i ever do is too much too soon, you can tell me so.
msp: i mean, there's all sorts of emotions involved when one of your fantasies becomes real. trust me, i've been through it all.
s: Shall we say videos then? That could make it easier on both of us. Well yeah, slight jealousy will come out thats for sure. However, I'll make sure I don't cum until I've watched all of them first. Cumming too earlier in a cuckolding situation wrecks everything, from what I've read anyway. Years ago though, I would have declined to do this kind of thing straight away. Besides if he doesn't want to show his face on camera, videos would be easier to make over a live version.
4:55 PM
msp: he's kind of private about it, he made the same request when we took pix ages ago. i just.....i was feeling a little weird about it myself, as i haven't had an online sub be my primary before, until you. there's all sorts of things i never even considered that i took for granted when i had j as my 24/7. it's brand new territory for me to. i just don't want to hurt your feelings in any way by what i do. humiliating you is something else entirely, but hurt feelings are not what i want to cause.
msp: hang on, i need a drink.
5:00 PM
s: I'll be alright with it, thats for sure. I've been through enough to last me a lifetime, so I'll be totally cool with this. I know its all play and you won't be really meaning what you're saying during it. Of course I've never done this before, but gotta start somewhere.
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and after.
msp: so....um. i was a little floored earlier at the reaction you had to the videos. they were kind of a big thing for me to do, a big step really for me. i already know that you'd say something before like you didn't have to do them, that you didn't ask for them and so on. now....well, it just seems anti climactic now. i realise you went through a lot in the past week and i am sorry if i am stepping on your toes in any way, but i was really freaking out earlier.
s: I don't really understand what you're saying. I thought you were comfortable with it and everything. You're just confusing me now. If you were going to feel like this afterwards, then why go through with the idea?
msp: that's not what i'm saying. it just kind of felt like they were no big deal to you after all we were saying yesterday, that's all. i had no problem in sharing them with you. i just expected you to be more enthusiastic about them today, that is what bothered me.
s: So, you're expecting lots from me when I've just come back from holiday and will be starting several careers shortly? Thats a little unfair. You're being quite clingy with me.
msp: that's not quite it either. i wasn't expecting you to fall over or anything, just to show a little more interest. it seems like we're misunderstanding each other at the moment.
msp: look, i'm sorry. maybe i should've waited a little longer for something like this.
s: Probably because there is an ocean between us. Words get misunderstood online very easily. I know what you're saying though, and I should make more of an effort. I just don't use my computer very much anymore. I won't even have the time or energy in the next few weeks, so its going to be very difficult to keep you satisfied in this way.
msp: i already knew that was going to be the case though, i'm not going to have very high expectations of you as a result.
msp: it ultimately just makes me question my own judgment. i'm going to have plenty to do myself in the coming weeks, so it's not going to be like it has been for me as well with bucket loads of free time. it's not going to be easy for me either. all i guess i'm trying to say is that i am willing to do certain things if you are.
s: ^_^ I'm willing to send things to you too, I'm just a lot more shy compared to you, especially with making videos. I've always had that problem sadly. I've never really 100% believed in myself, but that wouldn't have been a problem if I actually got encouragement at a younger age. I envy the people that did.
msp: there's no reason why you still shouldn't be entitled to that sort of encouragement, because you know that i can and will give you that level of encouragement. i just need your trust in me to do so, and your willingness to evolve as a person in return.
5:20 PM
msp: and i wasn't just referring to pix or videos, i'm also saying in reference to life forces as well. you know i'm not in this with you just to be dominant with you. we both know this is more than that now.
5:25 PM
s: Well, I'll try my best to improve myself. You know its very difficult for me to maintain my confidence and belief, so I can't promise immediate results. Although, you do have my complete trust in you like always. Its going to be quite difficult to be more than we are now until I'm located over there one day. I know technology can maintain the majority of it, but nothing is compared to reality of face to face and physical presence with each other.
msp: becoming a better person is a lifelong process, i wouldn't expect you to not have any setbacks or not feel bad about things sometimes. you know i have a really hard time sometimes just getting out of bed. i can't take my own fucking advice sometimes & i have a university degree in psychology! i guess i'm saying that it's ok to take things like this slowly. i'm willing to suspend judgment on a lot of things with you & that is not something i would say to just anyone.
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