|
Rafters -> RE: Topping up the pile of one liners... (7/17/2007 12:14:15 AM)
|
A few more...
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
"Well, don't just stand there screaming, take me to your leader."
"Where there's a whip, there's a will!" - j.r.r.tolkien
I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it. -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -- A. Lincoln
The gods love heroes. They also love a good laugh. Think about it.
Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed for the same reason.
That which does not kill you might just be ... toying.
The Goddess does not seek worship -- she rejoices in being vividly imagined.
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
"A fanatic is a man who does what God would do, if He knew the facts of the case."
"When I became an adult, I put away childish things, including the need to appear adult and the fear of looking childish."
-- C.S. Lewis
"She herself was a victim of that lust for books which rages in the breast like a demon, and which cannot be stilled save by the frequent and plentiful aquisition of books. This passion is more common, and more powerful, than most people suppose. Book lovers are thought by unbookish people to be gentle and unworldly, and perhaps a few of them are so. But there are others who will lie and scheme and steal to get books as wildly and unconscionably as the dope-taker in pursuit of his drug. They may not want the books to read immediately, or at all;
they want them to possess, to range on their shelves, to have at command. They want books as a Turk is thought to want concubines - not to be hastily deflowered, but to be kept at their master's call, and enjoyed more often in thought than in reality. -- Robertson Davies, _Tempest-Tost_
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. -- Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz
Iain Banks said that the trouble with writing while high is that as soon as you pass out, a bunch of evil gnomes come in and replace your brilliant prose with utter garbage.
The Fanatic's Definition of Education: "I never continue learning past the point where I have enough evidence to convince myself that my views are correct." -- Keith
"We have to go forth and crush every world view that doesn't
believe in tolerance and free speech." -- David Brin
"Most of us are well-acquainted with the popular expression, "Go fuck a moose," but few have actually done so. Until you've experienced this majestic outdoor activity firsthand, you have not truly lived."
-- The Onion's Camping Tips
I never really understood [hostility towards escapism] until my friend Professor Tolkien asked me the very simple question "What class of men would you expect to be the most preoccupied with, and most hostile to, the idea of escape?" and gave the obvious answer: jailers. -- C.S. Lewis
"And you can explain why your client was found in a burger king washroom wearing four tent pegs and screaming about freeze-dried bananas?"
"The relentless pursuit of perfection, your honour."
-- Dr. Hoye, P.ChemEng. (Thank you Sally Struthers!)
"History doesn't always repeat itself. Sometimes it just screams, 'Why
don't you listen to me?' and lets fly with a big stick."
"The fact is, that civilisation requires slaves. The Greeks were quite right there. Unless there are slaves to do the ugly, horrible, uninteresting work, culture and contemplation become almost impossible. Human slavery is wrong, insecure, and demoralising. On mechanical slavery, on the slavery of the machine, the future of the world depends." -- Oscar Wilde, _The Soul of Man under Socialism_
"May you be born in interesting times, may you come to the attention of people in high places, and may you get your heart's desire." -- Chinese Curse
"I can call spirits from the vasty deep."
"Why so can I, or so can any man; but will they come
when you do call for them?"
-- Shakespeare, King Henry IV, Part I
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
-- Dorothy Parker
"The issue isn't really whether one or two behaviors are 'over the line' -- the issue is who gets to draw the line, and how, suspiciously, it keeps getting moved."
"I don't own a computer. I have a nine-foot piano in my home to compose my messages. Why would I want a one-foot computer to do the same thing?" - songwriter and singer Tori Amos
What gets us into trouble is not what we don't know.
It's what we know for sure that just ain't so.
- Yogi Berra
"If... you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
"Have you ever been in love?"
- -You might say that.l
"Horrible isn't it?"
- -In what way?
"It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses. You build up this armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-of-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be
able to do that. Especially not Love."
- from Sandman No. 65, written by Neil Gaiman
"Let's put the 'fun' back in 'dysfunctional'!"
"No more parties at my house. Sure, everyone has a great
time, but no one ever stays to help clean up, or untie me."
"I'm tired of behaving like a Catholic school boy always being rapped on the knuckles by the nun he's dating.
"I wish I could drink like a lady
I can take one or two at the most.
Three and I'm under the table --
Four and I'm under the host!"
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Man:TheMissingLinkBetweenApes&HigherIntelligence
Ignorance of your profession is best concealed by solemnity and silence, which pass for profound knowledge upon the generality of mankind. -- "Advice to Officers of the British Army", 1783
There is serenity in Chaos.
Seek ye the Eye of the Hurricane.
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Drive an environmentalist crazy. Tell him that the greenhouse gasses are escaping through the hole in the ozone layer.
PMS, the short period of time when women act like men do all the time.
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-- W. C. Fields
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
Q: How do you play religious roulette?
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is having fun.
"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be."
There are no normal people--only people you don't know very much about.
Good argumentation shouldn't require an open mind -- it should be able to open ones that are locked and barred. If necessary, by force, leaving the mind in question bloodied and broken.
"Pollute! It makes the planet seem less attractive to alien invaders."
the Bible says pi = 3?
>1 Kings 7
>23 And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about.
Europe: the weaklings never made it and the cowards ran
away."
The spirit of romance is apparently dead. (which explains why it's a spirit).
It never lived. It's a lie, a delusion that people tell themselves to cover over the mix of biological lust and fear-of-loneliness that they'd prefer to misname 'love'.
'Large and brightly colored, so it cannot be accidentally inserted into the rectum, and with smooth rounded edges in case someone manages to do so anyway.' -- Anonymous description of the iMac
Platonic Love. Stop it - it's disgusting. The man's been dead for thousands of years.
"So this judge in Virginia rules that a lesbian wasn't fit to raise her own daughter because she might grow up to be a lesbian, and gives custody to the lesbian's mother. And I'm thinking, 'She's already raised one lesbian.'"
"WWJD? He'd give up, get nailed to a tree, and die in pain. Why don't you follow his example as directed by your ancient texts?"
"Knuckling is for those who just can't make the emotional commitment necessary for fisting." -- Mark Loy
If first you dont succeed, beat whoever laughs at you.
Irish kama sutra: "In. Out. Repeat if necessary."
We aim to please, except in the bathroom where hygiene is a higher priority.
I can't find words to express how I feel about you. Stand by for gestures.
Pardon me, what pickup line works best with you?
"Now let us peel back the foreskin of misconception and apply
the wire brush of enlightenment"
Well, if they can't get their hair down to their ankles, they might be able to do the opposite...
If a tree falls on a man meditating in the forest, does he scream louder than the sound of one hand clapping?
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you must be at least a foot shorter than they.
Christ, voted Guy Least Likely To Want To See
Millions Of Crucifixes If He Ever Comes Back To This Planet
"A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction into a
battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day." calvin and hobbes
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances
will know you in a thousand years.-- Illusions
Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
No one can guarantee the actions of another. -- Spock
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.
Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is published around the world --
even if what is published is not true. -- Illusions
>What's the difference between "Ooh" and "Aah"?
About three inches.
Q: What do you call an Amish man who sticks his hand up a horse's ass?
A: A mechanic
Jesus is coming...Are you going to spit or swallow?
They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. If my intentions are bad, will I get into Heaven?
"This entire opus is respectfully dedicated to all those who have loved unconditionally only to have their hearts unaesthetically ripped out:
Base not your joy upon the deeds of others, for what is given may be taken away."-- Peter Steele
What do you mean, "caffeine isn't a vitamin"?
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is
no one appreciates how difficult it was to do in the first place."
"And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure
sign of someone who wears their underpants on their head."
Maskarade, Terry Pratchett
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
"Everyone is someone else's weirdo." -- Dykstra
"Those who restrain Desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained" -- William Blake
I think that a lifetime of listening to disco music is a high price to pay for one's sexual preference. -- Quentin Crisp.
I feel so normal now that Telstra is sponsoring my sexuality.
The only unnatural sex act is one that you cannot perform.
-- ALFRED KINSEY
Enough of top and bottom -
I want relationships with strangeness and charm!
What part of the word "YES" don't you understand?
I'm a bisexual, polyamorous switch and I *still* won't fuck you.
Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?
There you go again - thinking you have rights!
Big sister is watching.
The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp their wives and daughters to his arms. -- Genghis Khan
You want to be weird today, you got two big problems. First: There are six billion of us. ... Say you're so kinky, you're a one-in-a-million freak. Well, that means there are three dozen of you in Canada alone!
- Spider Robinson, The Globe and Mail, 2002-07-27
Many are the sins of commision, omission and emission that may justly be laid at my feet; legion the scurrilous epithets I have earned, and earned well. I have wronged men, women (aye, grievously), children and animals in diabolical and
shameful ways. I have satisfied beastly urges, performed base and selfish acts of treachery, raped, looted, murdered, enslaved. I have freely served as I might at the right hand of Lucifer. All this I shall, in fine, confess unprompted to St. Peter at the Gate with a high and joyful heart, knowing that this epilogue to my own aethereal antieulogy beside the fresh-heaped grave of my sin-blasted husk shall open as one both the wise heart of the Holy Janissary and the golden
portal to Glory Everlasting: "... but I never once in all my life used a fuckin' smiley."- Anon
Fascism is only a bad thing when you're *not* the geezer in the open-topped landau saluting the adoring crowds in your spiffy uniform while being blown by any one of your drove of well-upholstered fuck-bunnies. From that side of the coin, it's a damn fine form of government. -- Semolina Pilchard
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
Does this condom make me look fat?
"Just remember that my safeword is, "Agh! Don't do that! Help! Stop!'"
-rec.arts.sf.written
"I put the batteries the wrong way round into the Energizer Bunny, and he
just kept coming and coming..."
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the barman gives her one.
"We would make the trash receptacles in the park bear-proof, except for one major problem - in trials we found that there is a substantial overlap in intelligence between the more stupid tourists and the more intelligent
bears"
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball ??
"Choke, gag, urgh" -a.t.j
"May a thousand rabid pit-bulls hump your leg." -a.t.j
Oh please. Your idea of wit is nothing more than an incisive
observation humorously phrased and delivered with impeccable timing.
Doonesbury
"I don't even remember how to use the F-word any more."
Duke replies, "That's easy. Use it like a comma."
xenaphobia: The fear of being beaten to a pulp by
a leather-clad, New Zealand woman.
My, that is a nice jacket. Aren't the sleeves a little long, though? See, I
told you the sleeves were too long. Look, they go all the way around the back.
Wait, now they're stuck. Hey, where we going?....
"Help! Help! I bleached my hair and it's soaking
into my brain!"
"If people are good only because they fear punishment,
and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed."
Albert Einstein
Oh goody! Do I get to wear one of those cute little white coats with the long arms so I get to hug myself all day? ANd those BoUNCy! WallS! YAy! i'VE AlWAys WanTED SomE BouNCY! WaLlS!
"Oh no, not another learning experience..."
Carpe Jugulum (Sieze the Throat).
If your happy and you know it, clunk your chains!
Famulus: What do you do with the leftovers? This stuff's toxic...
Wizard #1: We pour it down the drain.
Famulus: Isn't that dangerous?
Wizard #2: No, we wear rubber gloves...
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed...
... Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
"You've given your life to Christ? I'm renting mine to Cthulhu"
The Internet: Someone's lab experiment gone horribly wrong
.. news item about the legalisation of homosexuality in the
UK; British-Army-Major-type returning from holidays was asked by reporter what he thought of the news: "I don't mind if they make it legal, so long as they don't make it compulsary."
"If Electricity comes from Electrons, does Morality come from morons?
"Invent a clever saying, and the world will remember your name forever." - Anonymous
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
-- George Bernard Shaw
As the Good Book says, Man created God in his own image.
"Don't question authority -- it doesn't know either."
"Always question authority. Hot pokers and electrodes are optional, but generally preferred for this."
Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
-- Voltaire, on his deathbed, in response to
a priest asking that he renounce Satan
"You know, I've gone to a lot of psychics, and they've told me a lot of different things, but not one of them has ever told me 'You are an undercover policewoman here to arrest me.'"
-- New York City undercover policewoman
hi.. i'm a necrophiliac.. how well do you play dead
People who live in glass houses should wear bathrobes.
..people dressing up in animal skins, and
clubbing each other, as part of the Society for Neolithic Anachronism
The future has arrived; it's just not evenly distributed.
-William Gibson
"Save a tree, eat a beaver"
The world is filled with willing people; some willing to work, the rest
willing to let them.
-Robert Frost
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. -- Omar Khayyám
"There is no 'right' and 'wrong'. There's only 'fun' and 'boring'."
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
Pets are always a great help in times of stress. And in times of starvation too, o'course. -- Terry Pratchett, "Small Gods"
"The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but
to be insane in such a useful way that they can't commit you."
--- Mark Edwards
HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: GREEK. _rafanizou_, to thrust a radish up the
fundament; a punishment for adulterers in Athens. [VC, 1985] (Ansible)
I'll torture you so slowly you'll think it's a career
A person in a uniform is merely an extension of another person's will -Philip Slater
God.. Bad.. I'm the guy with a gun
Elif air ab tizak A thousand dicks in your ass! (Arabic)
"Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."
- The Bible: 1 Timothy: 2:11-12
"Close your eyes and imagine where you want to be. Imagine the complete journey you need to take in order to get there. Now go pack. Your reservations have been made." Michelle Ustaszeski (b.1969),
"Women do not find it difficult nowadays to behave like men; but they often find it extremely difficult to behave like gentlemen."
- Sir Compton Mackenzie 1883-1972: On Moral Courage
"Women today are not satisfied. ... They want men, but all they find are little boys."
- Charles Manson
"Sex is dirty only if it's done right." --Woody Allen
"Sex-appeal is the keynote of our whole civilization." --Henri Bergson
"No sex is better than bad sex." --Germaine Greer
"My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me." --Bette Midler
"Give a man free hands, and you'll know where to find them." --Mae West
"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting." --Gloria Leonard
"There's no shortage of pussy- it's just the delivery system that's messed up." --Dr. Roy V. Schenk
"Caffeinatrix"
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Bertrand Russell
The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.
Flannery O'Connor
Alas, to wear the mantle of Galileo it is not enough that you be persecuted by an unkind establishment, you must also be right.
Bob Park
Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.
W. Edwards Deming
"The words printed here are concepts. You must go through the experiences." - Saint Augustine
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
four-gies
Piercings +Fridge magnets
"..But to lose your innocence, you've got to have been a virgin, which implies we weren't screwed from the start."--suck2.0
"Proper prior planning and preparation prevents piss-poor performance."
The rat race is over, the rats won
The stars think it's time you stopped letting fear control your life, and started letting it control the lives of those around you.
"The future masters of technology must be light-hearted and intelligent. The machine easily masters the grim and the dumb."
This is a test, it is only a test. Had this been a real emergency, we would have fled in panic, and you would not have been informed.
There are trivial truths and there are great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true
|
|
|
|
