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Beginner Domme, experienced Sub - 7/19/2007 4:37:58 AM

CharmingDivinity

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I'm looking to get some information about my girlfriend. She is very interested in the bdsm lifestyle however she is very new to it. I am an experienced sub and have gone through a bit of training but nothing over the top. She is asking me a lot of questions about all different toys and things I would like done. My question is does anyone know of any beginner toys or impliments she should get to start out? are there any good websites that explain the bdsm world and having a vinalla relationship? any and all information would be helpful. I do thank all of you for the help.

Slave,
K

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RE: Beginner Domme, experienced Sub - 7/19/2007 4:44:52 AM

earthycouple

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If you are as experienced as you say you should provide to be invaluable for her. I learn much from subs all the time.

Beyond that, immersion in real time situations is better than any website. Go to munches, clubs and dungeons.

As for beginner implements...one should never be a beginner with a toy on a human....beginner is for stuffed toys and pillows. So get that flogger then suggest she practice on something other than a human.

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RE: Beginner Domme, experienced Sub - 7/19/2007 7:41:21 AM

MasterFireMaam

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Check out SM 101 by Wiseman. You can find it in the BDSM list in my signature. But, the best thing to do it to take her to local groups so she can bond with other Dominants. Any toy can be soft, if you know how...other Doms can teach her better because they can show her on flesh what to do. Unless you're willing to find a third to teach her with, that's really your best bet. It's really hard to focus on what she's doing, make comments AND enjoy the scene yourself.

Master Fire

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RE: Beginner Domme, experienced Sub - 7/19/2007 8:56:03 AM

ocilla

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Hey, I am on the newer side of this journey so remember being exactly where she is not too long ago. The munches were really useful because I was able to meet folks who are so cool and giving about letting me ask all the questions that come up. Also, meeting up with munch friends at the dungeon and seeing how they scene and the more technical and mannered side of the scene is really valuable. And getting to know folks means you may be able to get a running commentary as you observe a scene on why such and such is being done and the more sublet nuances that you might not have noticed. And also double teaming a sub with a more experienced Domme is a great way to learn.

As for research on the net - this site is very informative - in fact I came here looking for an experienced sub to learn form - and have not been here long but have not connected with anyone yet - it will be useful and helpful to her that you are experienced. The non pro Domme yahoo site is okay - a little more random but she may find info that is helpful to her. Akkasha has a good girls guide that is helpful - but you should not read it just her - you will have more fun and so will she if she can keep some things a mystery or surprise.

Depending on what you both want to try and how she learns - the books on technique have been useful for me. I read them - think about how I would feel about doing some of the activities. Discuss the activities with the targeted sub and this usually gets them a little worked up - which is kind of fun. The set a date to experiment. Before trying out the new technique I will re read review the book - study a bit if you will and if there is a way to practice or try something with out a person as the subject I will do so. For instance, whips, flogs, crops, canes, ropes plus all can be played with solo and used on what ever inanimate object is around. And then give it a go. And the first time I try something there is more discussion and back and forth during activities so that better I learn technique, and how far I can push things. A follow up sessions where there is less back and forth and more power exchange is very satisfying too.

So some books? Well, the greenery press has a great selection of books and I'm going to try to give some titles from memory so I may slightly skew them apologies to all.
The New topping and the new bottoming books were really interesting and useful.
The Family Jewels for CBT
The Complete Spanker
2 Guys and a Rope (not sure about this title)
As mentioned before - the New Topping Book, The New Bottoming Book - both are useful for someone learning as figuring out both sides of the equation is part of it all.
And there are lots of good books that are not so physical technique oriented such as The
Ethical Slut, and Midori's books to call out a few.

Finally - for a turn on and motivation - I think Akkasha's short stories as well as other folk's erotica is fairly inspirational and hot too. Exploring some of the literature can be useful in helping her imagine or kind of get the turn on - it is lit though so not r/t but fantasy.

< Message edited by ocilla -- 7/19/2007 8:57:56 AM >

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RE: Beginner Domme, experienced Sub - 7/19/2007 9:19:08 AM

AAkasha

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"The Good Girls Guide to Domination" on my web site takes a different approach for women just starting to dominate men, and it's designed for women that are unsure or uncomfortable about the idea. My theory is that starting with toys, costumes, and serious roleplay will only confuse and intimidate women, or make them think immediately of the stereotypical "bitch with a whip" and turn them off.

Instead, I encourage them to focus on their personality and style and the rush we get, as women, when we have a man helpess and vulnerable. The way I look at it, I consider myself pretty much a "born femdom" - these urges were with me as far back as I could remember. However, when I first started experimenting, I would have ran for the hills if a man suggested toys, strap ons, heavy play, etc. I would have looked at him like he had three heads. However, the idea of pinning him down, pulling his hair, making him crawl..well, that was subtle, and SO alluring.

The toys, the games, the serious mindfucking, the intensity, that comes with comfort and confidence. I believe that a woman will never enjoy domination if she's deep down always feeling like she is filling a "role" and being evaluated. If she has questions in her head like, "Am I doing this right?" or "Am I boring him?" then she's already behind the eight ball. My articles encourage women to think about their own pleasure, because that self confidence and self indulgent pleasure, at the "expense" of her man, is that subs ultimately seek. More than the toys and costumes, they want a lady that gets real pleasure out of dominating her man.

Akasha

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RE: Beginner Domme, experienced Sub - 7/19/2007 10:42:22 AM

Politesub53

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Ma`am AAkasha, i fully agree with Your last point, at least for me. While i do have things that turn me on, the biggest thrill of all is a Mistress doing what She wants. If i have communicated my likes and desires, and these are incorporated into the relationship. Then its all good. No way could i be with someone who was just doing it for me.

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RE: Beginner Domme, experienced Sub - 7/19/2007 10:48:04 AM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53

Ma`am AAkasha, i fully agree with Your last point, at least for me. While i do have things that turn me on, the biggest thrill of all is a Mistress doing what She wants. If i have communicated my likes and desires, and these are incorporated into the relationship. Then its all good. No way could i be with someone who was just doing it for me.

Right. To me, it's not rocket science - what a sub wants MOST of all is a woman who is enjoying herself and not pretending, and THINKING up things to do to him on her own, not waiting for suggestions.

At the same time, I believe MOST women, when introduced to dominance in a light way, will slowly start to adopt more kinds of play, toys, etc. as she is more comfortable with the role. Like I said, when I was younger, I would have been mortified at the idea of using some toys that are now my favorites. You learn and grow and things suddenly become intriguing, when in the past they seemed "weird."

Most sub men unfortunately go backwards with their partners. They start with toys first, hoping she will get into domination. YIKES. It should be the other way around; domination first, then toys.

Akasha

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RE: Beginner Domme, experienced Sub - 7/21/2007 2:05:49 PM

aidan

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Like Akasha said, the most important thing is that she's enjoying herself and she's, in the end, controling the flow of things.

I've said it before on this board (in fact I just made a similar post moments ago): I think the most important thing, when a person is first starting out, is reassurance that it's ok. The feelings, fantasies and enjoyment of realization is all ok, that as long as you keep your wits about you and go at a pace good for you, it's ok to embrace and explore this aspect of yourself. So many people I think shy away or opt out from the lifestyle because they just have a sense of wrongness about it that's been taught somewhere along the line. If you can just accept that these feelings are good and right, then you've crossed a great divide already.

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RE: Beginner Domme, experienced Sub - 7/23/2007 3:34:45 AM

undergroundsea

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There are various books about female dominance. There is one by Lady Green: The Sexually Dominant Woman, A Workbook for Nervous Beginners.

For relationship matters, I think forums and local communities help because one can see different ways relationships come together, and that each couple defines their relationship. Exchanging ideas or seeing how others do things helps define this model for self.

For technique matters, I think short and soft floggers (garment leather, deer skin) are good for someone getting used to a flogger. I have at times had a trapezoid drawn on my back that covers the upper back and leaves a little margin from the edges to help avoid wraps. There are other steps that can be taken to help one practice aim and protect against wraps or unintentional hits. I have known some dominants to practice new techniques on a pillow or the like to grow their skill and confidence.

In addition to how I feel about flesh against flesh, I think using hands is good because it removes the question about how to use the toy and allows one to deal with simply the idea of playing with pain. A light paddle or strap also requires less focus on how to swing the toy.

I think the best way a sub can help a domme learn is by offering insight into the psychology of submission. If you can put to words how you feel, what are the underlying principles behind what invokes subspace for you, and that what might seem abusive by conventional norms in fact makes you feel happy, I think it would help.

I think positive feedback and aftercare for the domme are particularly helpful for a new domme.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 7/23/2007 3:56:23 AM >

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RE: Beginner Domme, experienced Sub - 7/23/2007 5:27:49 AM

LeatherBentOne

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Keep in mind that there are several ways to use a toy and several degrees of intensity when using it. I have used toys that most people consider to be for advanced play in a very gentle and non-threatening way with subs who have no experience. (Also, this helps to increase their trust.) Then, as their experience grows throughtout time, Im gradually able to use that same toy with the intensity that makes others consider the toy for advanced play only.

This takes creativity along with aforethought in planning my scenes with the intention of reaching a goal ~ for my pleasure as well as her need. Another plus is that when one uses a toy in various ways and different intensities, this keeps scenes from becoming boring by doing the same things the same way every time. Also, quality toys are expensive so I might as well get the mileage I paid for.

Best Wishes
LBO

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RE: Beginner Domme, experienced Sub - 7/23/2007 3:07:58 PM

ocilla

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Reiterating my perspective as one who is a bit closer to the end of experience your girlfriend is at as opposed to where Akkasha is at - sea's scenario/post is exactly what I seek in an more experienced sub.... sigh.

< Message edited by ocilla -- 7/23/2007 3:10:23 PM >

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RE: Beginner Domme, experienced Sub - 7/23/2007 11:01:45 PM

Ericus1

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Talk about everything first. Share your insights and ideas. But don't be pushy or bossy with it. Let her practice on other things first. Talk about is all again. Talk to her about how things feel to you, both physically and emotionally. The more you talk about it, the safer and more fulfilling it will be for both of you.

ericus

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