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Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to be a ... - 7/19/2007 11:38:55 AM

sierraflowr

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From: Northern California
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Ok, I was reading the other thread on 'if you could learn to be a Dom', and i decided to start this one.

First off i am a sub but do enjoy Topping my husband. At this point, definitely not Domme. My husband/sub and i have been playing about 2 1/2 years now with me as the Top. He is a gas to play with as he resonds to pain by lauging. He is a bit of a pain puppy and i found i enjoy being a bit sadistic with him also. As i play with him i learn more about what gets to him and more what i can do with him.

He has seemed a bit reticent in giving up power in other areas, but in a sense, wants to. on the other hand, there are times he doesn't want that power exchange outside of the bedroom too. I know a lot of this has to do with him figuring out what HE wants.

So, because i already top him, can i learn to be more Domme?

IE the D/s part. is it feasible to learn a bit of how to do the power exchange elsewhere in our lives?

And how would i do that?
Thanks

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RE: Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to b... - 7/19/2007 11:41:40 AM

DarkDaddyZ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sierraflowr

Ok, I was reading the other thread on 'if you could learn to be a Dom', and i decided to start this one.
First off i am a sub but do enjoy Topping my husband. At this point, definitely not Domme. My husband/sub and i have been playing about 2 1/2 years now with me as the Top. He is a gas to play with as he resonds to pain by lauging. He is a bit of a pain puppy and i found i enjoy being a bit sadistic with him also. As i play with him i learn more about what gets to him and more what i can do with him.
He has seemed a bit reticent in giving up power in other areas, but in a sense, wants to. on the other hand, there are times he doesn't want that power exchange outside of the bedroom too. I know a lot of this has to do with him figuring out what HE wants.
So, because i already top him, can i learn to be more Domme?
IE the D/s part. is it feasible to learn a bit of how to do the power exchange elsewhere in our lives?
And how would i do that?
Thanks

Hi flowr :)

It sounds like you enjoy topping your husband and he enjoys it too. I also know you are pretty much submissive. My question back to you is:
Do you WANT to be more Domme? Is that in your nature or just a role you want to play for your husband?

(in reply to sierraflowr)

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RE: Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to b... - 7/19/2007 11:42:17 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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I'd say read that whole thread over again because it sounds like you're asking the exact same thing.

I don't think you can say you can become a dom just because you are a great top. But if you feel the sincere inclinations to take authority, then by all means follow it. Focus more on figuring out what you want, and enjoy the trial and error part. The point is to go there TOGETHER and be fulfilled, not reach some X point on a map.

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RE: Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to b... - 7/19/2007 12:27:15 PM

MasterFireMaam

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Background for my comment:
Top/bottom = physical
Dom/sub = mental
Master/slave = spiritual

Yes, I feel that you can learn to be a Dominant...it's a matter of training your mind to think in a certain way. But, while it is often true, it's not necessarily true that Top = Dominant = Master.

Master Fire

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RE: Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to b... - 7/19/2007 12:41:22 PM

GhitaAmati

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I have "topped" before in a scene under the direction of another Dom, but I know I could never actually be a Domme. I dop however know quite a few subbies who make good money on the side as Pro Dommes and do a good job of "faking" it. So I dont know. Im sure you could learn how to act like a Domme...but not so sure you could actually become one if that isnt really who you are. Now, if its something you really enjoy, feel like its a part of your personality..then maybe you are one of them true switches...who knows.

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RE: Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to b... - 7/19/2007 2:12:18 PM

sierraflowr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkDaddyZ

Hi flowr :)

It sounds like you enjoy topping your husband and he enjoys it too. I also know you are pretty much submissive. My question back to you is:
Do you WANT to be more Domme? Is that in your nature or just a role you want to play for your husband?

ok DarkDaddyZ You are correct. I am not sure i WANT to be more Domme. I have no clue if its 'in' my nature or not. and Yes it is something [i think] that my husband wants.
He doen't really know what he wants, so this is kind of a hypothetical question.

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RE: Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to b... - 7/19/2007 2:22:34 PM

Missokyst

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*waves to sierra*
I have topped my mate, yet I am submissive. I don't believe I could ever be a dominant because I don't have the headspace for power. I enjoy topping because I do have a sadistic side. BUT, I only enjoy topping when I am with someone I care about deeply. I get no joy from topping strangers or casual partners that I have no emotional investment in pleasing. Because for me it is not so much power, or sadism, as it is submitting to my inner desire to be what they need. I will do a lot to please my mate and that sometimes includes indulging their need to be dominated. It is a learned skill which I have gotten good at over the years. But for me it is still acting a part. To me I think it will always be about my desire to make my mate content. That is always going to be my bottom line.
Kyst

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 7/19/2007 2:23:35 PM >

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RE: Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to b... - 7/19/2007 2:22:58 PM

DarkDaddyZ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sierraflowr

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkDaddyZ

Hi flowr :)

It sounds like you enjoy topping your husband and he enjoys it too. I also know you are pretty much submissive. My question back to you is:
Do you WANT to be more Domme? Is that in your nature or just a role you want to play for your husband?

ok DarkDaddyZ You are correct. I am not sure i WANT to be more Domme. I have no clue if its 'in' my nature or not. and Yes it is something [i think] that my husband wants.
He doen't really know what he wants, so this is kind of a hypothetical question.

I would recommend asking what is it he wants from you and what is the make up of the BDSM portion of your relationship besides the play dynamic. If he is really searching to serve a Domme and you can't provide that and you want the relationship to work then work on perimeters within that relationship that will allow him to serve a Domme. Or if you are interested in power exchange in addition to power play with him that you see where the day takes you. I always say that while topping and bottoming can be done by both Tops and bottoms, if you aren't dominant and you try to dom then it could all go bad but I'm not the rule maker it just works for me

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RE: Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to b... - 7/19/2007 2:23:52 PM

LotusSong

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Sierra,

Please define what you mean by "more Domme".

Dommes vary greatly. I'm not mean or disrespectful with Slave. My focus is on the sensual activities.

Flogging can be a beating or a sensual massage. What's the difference? It's in the intent of the act. The more self-ego you put into it, it becomes a beating. When the focus is on your skill being used to create pleasure between you and your slave- you will feel that "energy exchange".

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RE: Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to b... - 7/19/2007 2:24:38 PM

sierraflowr

Posts: 59
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From: Northern California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'd say read that whole thread over again because it sounds like you're asking the exact same thing.

I don't think you can say you can become a dom just because you are a great top. But if you feel the sincere inclinations to take authority, then by all means follow it. Focus more on figuring out what you want, and enjoy the trial and error part. The point is to go there TOGETHER and be fulfilled, not reach some X point on a map.

You are right. part of this is to go together into the fray :) and no, i'm not trying to reach some X point on the map.
I'm not asking the same thing as the Dom thread simply because in some ways being a Domme is a bit different than being a Dom in the way each react with the sub. they way a Domme goes about things i believe is more humiliation based and more based on mental, that a Dom, which in most cases is more sexually based. now i did not say that as an absolute. everyone is different!

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I become who I might be.
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RE: Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to b... - 7/19/2007 2:29:02 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sierraflowr
You are right. part of this is to go together into the fray :) and no, i'm not trying to reach some X point on the map.
I'm not asking the same thing as the Dom thread simply because in some ways being a Domme is a bit different than being a Dom in the way each react with the sub. they way a Domme goes about things i believe is more humiliation based and more based on mental, that a Dom, which in most cases is more sexually based. now i did not say that as an absolute. everyone is different!

Exactly. You're talking about stereotypes- which always break down when you talk about individuals.

And I don't use the word "domme" at all.

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RE: Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to b... - 7/19/2007 5:10:39 PM

NefertariReborn

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IMHO topping someone for a few hours and taking on the full responsibilities as FemDom are very different. I'm more interested in what you think than what your husband wants, because the FULL responsibility of leadership become yours if you decide to take that route. Do you want it every day, all day?

And I'm not part of the stereotype. I don't do humiliation. Too much negative energy for Me. So I leave that to the Ones Who know how to use it properly.

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RE: Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to b... - 7/20/2007 12:46:09 AM

sierraflowr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NefertariReborn

IMHO topping someone for a few hours and taking on the full responsibilities as FemDom are very different. I'm more interested in what you think than what your husband wants, because the FULL responsibility of leadership become yours if you decide to take that route. Do you want it every day, all day?

And I'm not part of the stereotype. I don't do humiliation. Too much negative energy for Me. So I leave that to the Ones Who know how to use it properly.

You are correct, no, i guess i don't want it full time and leadership was never my forte. Yes i know everyone isn't the same, which is why i made pains to not specify everyone was like that

. I guess i was more interested in getting peoples opinions either way ;) so i appreciate Your take on things. thank You.

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I become who I might be.
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RE: Enjoying being a "Top" can you learn to b... - 7/20/2007 6:53:31 AM

GhitaAmati

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quote:

I'd say read that whole thread over again because it sounds like you're asking the exact same thing.

Actually, I think its different...maybe a subtle difference, but a difference anyway..

In my thread, I asked if you could take someone who already was a dominant personality in a relationship and teach them to enjoy S&M play and be good at taking control in a scene situation. (which in my mind is quite a bit different than relationship dynamics)

She's asking if you can take someone who enjoys topping in S&M play and teach them to have the dominant personality in a power exchange relationship.

ghita~

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