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Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 1:08:48 AM   
fp2012


Posts: 97
Joined: 6/23/2005
Status: offline 		Okay, this might take a while, but bear with me, I need some help here.
Basically, I left this site because my Mom found out about what I'd been up to and totally freaked. However she didn't freak out at me like one would think... oh no.... she freaked out and went to her counsellor and her friends and never confronted me about it! I guess her counsellor, who obviously doesn't know me and has some skewed perception of me, thought that I would run away and not what to address the topic. So she advised my mom to keep things quite for a while, and then trick me into coming to talk to her councellor about a different topic. Then they'd lock the door and pull out all the stops on me so I can't go and escape. She likes to call it an intervention... as if I'm hurting myself with this lifestyle.
F***ed up huh? But that was her plan nonetheless.

Now, I have my own computer, and it was with me at college, but when I'd come home I'd save things into my folder on her computer, and surf the web. One day back in March she accidentally saved something into my folder and went looking for it and came across some IM conversations I'd had with one of my previous Masters that I'd saved (stupid I know). So she went digging further (and I had folders within folders within folders) and found some rather embarrassing photos of myself and saved emails and conversations. It was a total invasion of privacy, even though it's her computer. So she kept looking for stuff and searched through the history of sites I'd visited online (collerme included) and freaked out. AND she shared all of this with mutual friends. People who's opinions I respect and care about! I never imagined tham my Mom would read my private stuff!

So anyway, I'd been noticing that she'd been acting strangely around me. She'd say things like "you know you can always come to me about anything". And about two weeks ago she went into the trunk of my car to get a sleeping bag I keep there for when I visit friends. I heard of this, and realized that there was no way she could have gotten the sleeping bag out without seeing the cat o' nine tails and riding crop I had in there. So later that night I confronted her about it and asked her what she knew and the whole thing blew up.

She thinks that my previous Master was a sexual predator and was using me... she says she almost called the cops on him. Which would have killed me, because I cared about him and promised that no one would ever find out. Its like I don't even know my own mother anymore. I can't believe she kept all this quiet, AND THEN shared it with a bunch of people. God, I can't even tell you the sort of pictures they found! ... I'm rambling on... let me get to my problem:

She can't understand any of this lifestyle... she's called everyone on here freaks who are messed up mentally or are having relationship problems and are looking for a way of spicing their lovelife up. Every time I try to explain how my masochism and desire to be controlled has been with me my whole life, she looks for reasons why. "It's because of your father not showing you approval" stuff like that. I agreed to see a counsellor, mainly because I think that's the only way she'd ever be able to come to terms with any of this - if some "professional" told her I'm not crazy she'd drop it. So I'll be seeing a sex therapist. Has anyone been to one? I'm afraid even they won't understand and tell me this is dangerous.
What can I say to help her understand? She watched Secretary and still says that Lee is a whack job. And what if the sex therapist takes my Mom's side? What then? Agh! I am so freaked out right now! Apparently there's a binder full of stuff on me since March. (which I will be asking for when I see this counsellor)

OH and the other thing! I directly asked her that night two weeks ago "who knows about this? Who did you tell?" and she told me "only a few counsellors. No one else." Two days later I was clearing everything that was mine off of her computer and ran a key-word search and came upon some emails she'd sent her friends about me. Emails with photo attachments and links to collarme and other sites. I felt so sick that she would directly lie to me. It was enough that she kept her knowledge a secret (I'm a firm believer that silence is a lie) but to lie directly to my face?! What I do with my private life is my concern and not hers. (I made that very clear) However she says that when I do something that is damaging to myself (either physically or emotionally) it becomes her concern.

Sorry that was so long... I had to rant there for a minute. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to deal with all this? Please help me out here! Thanks for listening,
~fp
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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 7:13:07 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

And what if the sex therapist takes my Mom's side?

Try to stack the deck in your favor by picking one from a list of "kink aware" therapists. Then this impartial third party can explain to mom that her baby isn't quite the demented freak she imagines. I've seen lists on the web; try Googling on variations of "kink aware" therapists if somebody like BeachMystress doesn't already have a link.

But if mom picks the therapist, she might be using a list published by some ignoramus like Dr. Laura, and things will surely get worse for you.

My sympathies about all that. good luck.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 6/24/2005 7:58:54 AM >

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 7:36:13 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

What can I say to help her understand? She watched Secretary and still says that Lee is a whack job. And what if the sex therapist takes my Mom's side? What then? Agh! I am so freaked out right now! Apparently there's a binder full of stuff on me since March. (which I will be asking for when I see this counsellor)


Apparently you are a child who had a good relationship with your mother? I ask that because so many do not anymore.
All therapists are Kink Aware. Now how they feel about the lifestyle is personal preference. The Secretary was more than likely a bad choice on your part. That story really isn't the lifestyle is is more of a tale of abuse hidden to appear lifestyle.

If your mom really thinks you are deranged and in need of help. Why don't you say you will go on the condition that you get to choose the therapist?
Since she has already bashed you, the therapist should still remain neutral but it doesn't mean your mother will ever admit to them taking your side.

I've been through this multiple times with my new sister in law. Personally I haven't but the kids have. Not the lifestyle...but her going to therapists trying to get them to turn on the kids. Essentially everytime the therapist talks to the kids long enough to understand that maybe they are'nt 100% to blame. End of therapist. New one...and the cycle repeats itself.

Perhaps your mother should learn about D/s it may be a little easier for her to handle.

Anyway, I'm just throwing out ideas, maybe you haven't thought of some or tried some yet.

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 8:04:30 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

All therapists are Kink Aware.

Oh, then maybe I'm thinking of "kink friendly". That could make a huge difference; I suppose that very conservative therapists could be "aware" that kinks are the work of the devil.

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 8:54:11 AM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		The problem even "concenting" to go to a counselor emplys that YOU have the problem..
There are many "councelors" who are not that at all and most who get into that field do so as THEY have bigger issues then many.

Unfortunately you will not be able to "convert" your mother and do not try. However since I "assume" you are over 18. YOU are an adult.. Offer to go to counceling with a councelor of HER choice.. but insist that SHE goes with you and participates..

Also ask to see THEIR credentials and ask how long they have been doing "counseling".

The issue here is not your "lifestyle" is simple RESPECT. and SHE needs the guidence.
If she refuses or denys it then unfortunately YOU need to get on with your life and you have "at least for a few years " lost a mother.
Remember WE cannot pick who our parents are. WE also cannot change how others perceve ourselfs nor should we. What we can do is change how WE perceve others.

THAT is the job for you mother to do with herself.


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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 9:48:32 AM   
AAkasha


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I think it's normal that a parent would react this way (well, the sharing of your personal details with others is over the top, but that's another issue completely). She's worried about your safety, first and foremost. Look at all the reports about sexual predators on the net -- and you add kink into the issue, and it looks like a disaster waiting to happen.

Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do to change your mother's opinion, because you're her "baby" and your still young. When you are 25 or 30 and making these lifestyle choices, she may be more willing to accept that you've used judgement and are not just being a spontaneous youth.

Pre-internet, my mother found handcuffs in my bedroom when I was 17 or so. She freaked out, just a bit, and only asked me if I was into anything "weird." I told her no and laughed it off. Now, if the net had been around then and I was on it a lot..I think she might have been really paranoid. She gave me a little lecture about being safe, about how many "weirdos" there are out there, and that she was just concerned for my safety.

When she learned about my kinky choices many years later (I think I was 26 or so, moved out already), she said she thought it was a bit strange, but noted that I'd always done things my own way. It didn't bother her nearly as much -- because she'd seen me finish school, get a job, have normal boyfriends I could bring home, not get 17 piercings, etc. It wasn't a rebellious teenager thing, it was an adult decision.

Seeing a therapist is not a bad thing. You might actually get some insight into why you are a masochist, and it might even open some doors for you regarding your needs and how you will fit your kink into your life. You are over 18 so you do not have to do anything a doctor tells you to do, just listen. You also may find that the therapists uncovers issues unrelated but that could be helped -- like your relationship with your mother, her trust issues, and perhaps her inability to let you grow up and make your own choices (if that is an issue).

Note that most therapists *should* take bdsm desires in context with your overall social and emotional well-being. I don't know anything about you, but I would imagine if your life is "screwed up" -- trouble wtih the law, bad grades, running away from home, horrible fights with siblings or parents, drugs, alcohol --- I think a therapist might lump BDSM into the mix as a part of the problem or a cause of the problem, or at least something that might need fixing (I'm just guessing). I believe therapists are supposed to look at BDSM desires (if they have existed for longer than a period of 6 months) and identify whether or not those desires are having a damaging impact on the person's overal social, sexual, work life. In other words, if kink is screwing up your life in a huge way and you can't function, there's a problem. If kink is a part of your life and you enjoy it and it's not screwing up your life, then it's an alternative sexual "choice." This is just my interpretation.

My best piece of advice overall, though, is to do your best to honor your mother's wishes while you are living at home. There is no sense damaging a relationship for lifestyle choices you have made when you have the rest of your adult life to live them. You are dying to get involved now, but you're 19 -- when you move out and support yourself, you can do whatever you want.

Regarding her concerns and what might be perceived as her "over reacting" to some things -- I'll admit that I can look back at things my mom "over reacted" to when I was your age, and you know what, sometimes she was right. Worrying is just something mothers do.

Akasha

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 10:53:10 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

The problem even "concenting" to go to a counselor emplys that YOU have the problem..


We all have problems. No one is immune to internal chaos and confusion. Life sort of sets up little hurdles for us. In FP’s case, she does have a problem: the relationship with her mother is in a dangerous place.

Seeking a counsellor that we can trust and confide in to help us work out issues is taking a step in over coming one of the hurdles life has set up for us.

Now most of the time, most of us can run through life's obstacle course on our own but every now and then, there is a really trying obstable and asking someone for help in getting over it is a sign of resourcefulness, not weakness.

What is important is ensuring that the person we turn to for help is actually equipped to help us.

- LA

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 12:39:42 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

then maybe I'm thinking of "kink friendly".


Exactly, what a person believes goes into that office with them even though they took an oath not to allow it to.

I still feel a brand new, doesn't know anything about anyone and let them come to their own opinions type of therapist would be the best.

Providing Fencer even agree's to go. As an adult we are under no obligation by our parent's to follow their paths in life. Education may be the answer, it depends on how close minded she is.
Fencer may end up being shunned. You really have to know both parties to really know what may happen.
I agree with Kinky in the fact that going does sort of admit there is something wrong.

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 5:36:57 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
In other words, if kink is screwing up your life in a huge way and you can't function, there's a problem. If kink is a part of your life and you enjoy it and it's not screwing up your life, then it's an alternative sexual "choice." This is just my interpretation.


I think it also fits the definition of sexual masochism in the DSM-IV. The second criteria for diagnosis is: "The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning."

quote:

My best piece of advice overall, though, is to do your best to honor your mother's wishes while you are living at home. There is no sense damaging a relationship for lifestyle choices you have made when you have the rest of your adult life to live them.


Yes, I think her mother is simply worried - as any mom not aware of the scene might be. She is afraid because she lacks information. So FP will need to be the strong person and calm her fears.

Going to her mother's choice of therapists is not necessarily a bad idea - it is a person that her mother trusts and respects. FP will be going, not because she has a problem but because her mother has a problem with worry and fear. I think FP needs to make that clear to the therapist (but don't say that to mom!) Maybe the counsellor and FP can strategize how to introduce information about FP's activities to mom in a gentle and calming way.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fp2012
I felt so sick that she would directly lie to me. It was enough that she kept her knowledge a secret (I'm a firm believer that silence is a lie)


Perhaps your mother is feeling lied to as well - after all, you didn't tell her about your activities.

Of course, I wouldn't tell my parents either - and I am 45 - but please have compassion for your mother in the months ahead. She sounds like she is seriously fearful about your safety. And helping her through this dark time in her life, even if you know her fears are unfounded, will take a lot of love.





< Message edited by onceburned -- 6/24/2005 5:38:28 PM >

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 5:47:20 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned
quote:

ORIGINAL: fp2012
I felt so sick that she would directly lie to me. It was enough that she kept her knowledge a secret (I'm a firm believer that silence is a lie)


Perhaps your mother is feeling lied to as well - after all, you didn't tell her about your activities.

Of course, I wouldn't tell my parents either - and I am 45 - but please have compassion for your mother in the months ahead. She sounds like she is seriously fearful about your safety. And helping her through this dark time in her life, even if you know her fears are unfounded, will take a lot of love.

I have to agree with Chris here. Silence *can* be a lie. On the other hand, we are not obliged to tell people everything, not even our parents. We have to think about our own comfort level.

I tell my mother a lot of things. I've also realised, from experience, that she isn't prepared to handle everything I say to her. And sometimes it takes her time to adjust. For example, when I was 21, I brought home a girlfriend. Her initial reaction wasn't awful, but it was more that she was very concerned and somewhat confused. It took about a year but then she came around and told me that what she wanted for me was to be fulfilled in life. Now I’m 33 and she has seen me date both men and women and she if fine with that. She doesn't however know what it is that we do in bed. Then again, I sincerely have no desire to know what her and my father do in bed. However, her and I have, over the last two years, finally broached the subject of sexuality (note that my mother is very catholic and just talking about sexuality rather then reproduction is major step). So in some instances, the silence is more a sign of mutual respect and giving ourselves the necessary space to approach the subject at our own pace.

- LA

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 5:55:04 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		I think there has been some very good advice given here. The only thing i have to add is to let this be a lesson to everyone who shares a computer. Don't keep anything on it you don't want seen, it is very easy for someone else to search for anything saved or to come across it accidently. Also clean out your cookies and history when you log off to be even safer.

< Message edited by proudsub -- 6/24/2005 5:58:24 PM >

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 6:39:07 PM   
fp2012


Posts: 97
Joined: 6/23/2005
Status: offline 		Oooh, you all have great information and insights! Keep em coming!
As an update, I learned that my Mom's counsellor has advised her to go and see a sex therapist also, and that he has studied BDSM from San Francisco to Seattle and written reports on it. She's seeing him so that she'll be able to understand what BDSM really is. So I'm glad she'll be getting some of the best info out there. And I do realize that I'm rather young to be getting into all this... she tends to think I'm rebelling or obsessing over something that I think is cool... But this feeling has been with me as far back as I can recall (I may be obsessing just a bit, but only because it feels so wonderful to finally find that I'm not alone in the world).

What really shocked me was how suddenly my mom's views of me shifted. She has trusted me my whole life until now, (and I do realize that any Mom would be concerned for their daughter's well-being) but I've never done anything in the past that would make her believe I am irresponsible. I've never done drugs, I can't drink (liver problem), was a virgin till January, went to a private catholic high school and graduated with a 3.7, was kind of a nerd and didn't really date much, etc. So it's like she suddenly sees me as this completely different person just because I'm kinky. Hopefully all this will be figured out in counselling. (Oh and I forgot to mention, she's pretty religious so that probably has something to do with her over-reacting).

Anyway, it seems as though this may all be smoothed out relatively easily. I'm sure in 10 years I'll look back on this and laugh. By the way, does anyone know of any good informative websites on BDSM that she could read? I know I'll never be able to convert her, but she definitely needs to be educated on the subject and anything will help.
Thanks again for all your wonderful replies!
~fp

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 6:56:37 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: fp2012

Oooh, you all have great information and insights! Keep em coming!
As an update, I learned that my Mom's counsellor has advised her to go and see a sex therapist also, and that he has studied BDSM from San Francisco to Seattle and written reports on it. She's seeing him so that she'll be able to understand what BDSM really is. So I'm glad she'll be getting some of the best info out there. And I do realize that I'm rather young to be getting into all this... she tends to think I'm rebelling or obsessing over something that I think is cool... But this feeling has been with me as far back as I can recall (I may be obsessing just a bit, but only because it feels so wonderful to finally find that I'm not alone in the world).

What really shocked me was how suddenly my mom's views of me shifted. She has trusted me my whole life until now, (and I do realize that any Mom would be concerned for their daughter's well-being) but I've never done anything in the past that would make her believe I am irresponsible. I've never done drugs, I can't drink (liver problem), was a virgin till January, went to a private catholic high school and graduated with a 3.7, was kind of a nerd and didn't really date much, etc. So it's like she suddenly sees me as this completely different person just because I'm kinky. Hopefully all this will be figured out in counselling. (Oh and I forgot to mention, she's pretty religious so that probably has something to do with her over-reacting).

Anyway, it seems as though this may all be smoothed out relatively easily. I'm sure in 10 years I'll look back on this and laugh. By the way, does anyone know of any good informative websites on BDSM that she could read? I know I'll never be able to convert her, but she definitely needs to be educated on the subject and anything will help.
Thanks again for all your wonderful replies!
~fp


I would let someone suggest a book rather than a web site for a down to earth intro to bdsm. It's been a long time since I've read some of the books, so someone else can suggest one that presents it in a very safe and sane way. If you give her web sites, she may read and then hit a link, then another link, and end up who knows where -- and you know how twisted some web sites look to an outsider.

Sounds like your mother is just worried about your safety more than anything. Seeing the therapist might help, and also help you with your relationship with her. I'd also suggest, if at all possible, you realize that she may never accept or like the fact that you are kinky. If you decide you want that kind of lifestyle for good, I'd recommend you not change your behavior around her, or make your lifestyle her business.

In other words, if you can, don't be "out" to her regarding your activities in the future. This time, she found out because she was snooping. Once it is out in the open, I think it would do more harm than good to do things like refer to your significant other as "master" when talking to her, wearing bondage jewelry blatantly in front of her, behave submissively toward your partner in front of her if you are together, enage in rituals you were told to perform in her presence and have to explain to her that you were ordered to do so. If you act around her just the same as you always were -- and keep it that what happens in your love life and sex life is your own business -- it's less drama for her to try to deal with. I hope that makes sense.

Some people really want to be "out" to their family members. In a lot of cases, I question whether or not it is really necessary considering the amount of angst it adds to relationships when outsiders don't understand. Don't ask/don't tell works wonders.

Akasha

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/24/2005 9:54:33 PM   
proudsub


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From: Washington
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quote:

It's been a long time since I've read some of the books, so someone else can suggest one that presents it in a very safe and sane way.


"SM101" by John Wiseman is a pretty good start.

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proudsub

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/25/2005 5:54:36 AM   
fillepink


Posts: 124
Status: offline 		you poor dear..and your poor mom..i totally agree with onceburned..time and education will be necessary to heal the breach between you and your mom. in the meantime, i'd try to get her to do things you both enjoyed in the past, like maybe going shopping or the movies, that are off-topic and reinforce your bond.

if you were my kid and i had found out this way, i would probably reach out to my friends for support as well, dear. how much of what i had found i'd share, i don't know..but i'd be near-hysterical, so my decision-making would be impaired. i know she embarrassed you, but i think you should treat what she did as forgivable...moms need forgiveness quite a bit as their kid leaves behind teenager years and moves into young adulthood. moms cannot simply turn off the protective feelings they have for their children. in fact, i doubt it ever ends.

sounds as if things will improve..the fact that your mom's instinct was to seek therapy is a good indicator that she believes in change and listeniing..on both sides. i wish you and your mom well. please feel free to email me if i can help in any way. fillepink




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< Message edited by fillepink -- 6/25/2005 5:55:03 AM >

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/25/2005 6:36:51 AM   
Isolde


Posts: 213
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: Hamilton, Ontario
Status: offline 		It's tough being a mom. You hear all of these horrible stories from everyone you know about the dangers and terror of raising a child, starting from the moment you announce that you're pregnant. At the hospital, they hand you this squalling, defenseless creature that depends entirely on you for its well being and they wave you out the door with it, without even the courtesy of giving you a script to follow, to warn you of what to really expect. You make it through their infancy, their toddler years, their childhood and you think you have this parenting thing down and then *bam!* Off they go into their teens and young adulthood.

That's when you get to hear all of the horror stories about nice, responsible, mature children entering their rebellious phase, and ruining their lives for a few cheap thrills because they don't know any better.

The invasion of your privacy was a Bad Thing, and it was wrong of your mother to do. Hopefully eventually she'll realize that and apologize. I agree with fillepink in that you do sound fortunate to have a mother who is willing to discuss this instead of knee-jerking and laying down laws. I'd bet you any amount of money that when she saw what she did, and filtered it through what she knew of the lifestyle, she instantly forgot all of the things you've done to prove to her that you're trustworthy. She probably saw that little baby being handed to her again, to be protected and cared for, even while it screamed its head off in protest of being swaddled tightly and held in close.

Good luck!

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/25/2005 7:18:36 AM   
tigress31047


Posts: 98
Joined: 4/26/2005
Status: offline 		hello: I am a mother of 4 grown children.. even though i am in the lifestyle I would still worry if one of my kids were to get into it...because of the wannabes and preditors out there..but i would also try to help them with their decesion...being "mom" dosen't stop just because you don't live there anymore. my daughters and my mom know about my choice to be in the lifestyle. my one daughter even insisted on being my safe contact for any first meets. my mom found out quite accidently ( simular to yous) (being nosey) as moms can be at times(lol) and while she is not happy about it she seems more worried about my safety than anything..maybe this is what is bothering your mom...she will not stop loving you because of your choices but she will never stop worrying either. maybe she will come to understand one day that she raised you with morals and values that will carry you on to make the right decesions for yourself.

Masters_sweet_peach

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RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/28/2005 12:00:24 AM   
ravenna


Posts: 121
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline 		Oh my God, darling, i had no idea the invader was your MOTHER!!! *insert Janet Leigh's horrified shrieks from Psycho* Having the Big Screaming BDSM Sex Slave Conversation with my mother is a nightmare i have successfuly avoided my entire life, and i'm only 30 but i hope to keep on avoiding it for another 30 years or so, or until one of us is dead, whichever comes first. You and i have some things in common, it sounds like; Catholic, good grades, kinky and submissive, always had these feelings, thrilled to find out we weren't alone in the world, conservative religious mother. And i adore my mama and mostly we get along famously, i'm sure i got a lot of what i am from her, but she would so not understand about me being what i am, and i expect it would be the biggest bloody screaming fight(s) of our lives. It's bad enough that she and most of my siblings think i'm a kept woman, a slut and a whore. And they think those are bad things. But i just can't imagine how we could heal it over after all my secrets came out.

And her invasion of your privacy just makes my blood boil! You shouldn't have to hide your sex stuff like it was a national secret. (Sure, you should hide it from your mom, but you shouldn't have to, she ought to respect your rights.) And the fact that like most slaves i have absolutely zero privacy from my owners is beside the point; they own me. Your mom doesn't own you anymore, but moms are really bad about learning that lesson.

i'm sorry, none of this sounds very encouraging, does it? Okay, sorry, i'm thinking... It sounds like you got really lucky with the choice of counselor. Someone who knows BDSM should be able to show your mom that it isn't necessarily the unholy highway to hell she thinks it is. (Unless you want it to be, darling; don't let me slow you down! ;-) It does seem like you both might be able to negotiate a truce, if the counselor really stays in a neutral corner and doesn't get pulled over to her side. And as for a BDSM site that wouldn't freak out an outsider? Lots of folks here have recommended CastleRealm in the past, but i haven't looked at it much, so i can't say. i don't think i could show my mom anything very sexually graphic without her getting squicked to the quick, even though she's actually a really sexual person, so i don't know if letting your mom roam the kinky corners of the web unescorted would be a good idea. When i got a teeny little nosering in college my mother practically called a priest to do an exorcism, and God knows what she would do if she knew everything i had pierced now, much less why...

Anyway, darling, i wish you all the best luck with this awful adventure, and break a leg, preferably one of hers, not yours, and let us know how it's going? We're all with you, as you can tell...

(in reply to fp2012)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 6/28/2005 9:55:08 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fp2012
What really shocked me was how suddenly my mom's views of me shifted. She has trusted me my whole life until now, (and I do realize that any Mom would be concerned for their daughter's well-being) but I've never done anything in the past that would make her believe I am irresponsible. I've never done drugs, I can't drink (liver problem), was a virgin till January, went to a private catholic high school and graduated with a 3.7, was kind of a nerd and didn't really date much, etc. So it's like she suddenly sees me as this completely different person just because I'm kinky. Hopefully all this will be figured out in counselling. (Oh and I forgot to mention, she's pretty religious so that probably has something to do with her over-reacting).


That's part of the problem- you were her golden child and instead of rationally thinking "well I raised her right so I'm sure she's doing a reasonable thing" she's going into "OMG where has my angel gone and how can I rid her of these demons?"

I was the exact same way, the perfect child. When I finally revealed myself to my mother at 18 because I did not LIKE having to portray myself as perfect (perfect being great grades, active in the community, scholarship to college AND non-sexual) she totally freaked as well because it was such a huge shock to her.

I was lucky, I could run to college and live there. Over YEARS (I am 25 now) I have established myself as an independent adult, assuring myself that she could not use her feelings to change my life, and slowly began to rebuild a bond with her.

There's no changing your mother or her betrayal of trust to you. But hey, take her up on her offer of free therapy! Most people could get something out of it and if she's paying, it will make her feel like she's doing something active.

If you CAN, try and talk to her about how you understand her shock and worry, but that lying and invading your privacy on such grounds was completely unjustified.

Otherwise, just continue to be yourself, continue to succeed and thrive and be outgoing, and as well please feel free to email me. My mother didn't force me to see a therapist (though she did suggest it), but she did betray me and it has taken a long and hard time to become even as comfortable as we are now.

(in reply to fp2012)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Everything was going so well... or so I thought - 7/5/2005 3:07:39 PM   
woodsbunny


Posts: 20
Joined: 2/26/2005
Status: offline 		Hi,

Just a few suggestions based on my own need to try to explain bdsm. There are an awful lot of misconceptions that people have. For instance, my girlfriend thought that a whipping meant that the walls would be splashed with blood. It takes a lot of talk to begin to change these misconceptions.

While you are talking here are two resources that a vanilla person might find helpful. For a good book to show to parents and others: When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt (Oakland, CA: Greenery Press, 2000). My girlfriend is reading this now and on the whole likes it. She is least happy by the letters included along with the text which, to her, seem accusatory towards vanilla persons.

A helpful website is http://www.scarleteen.com/ I've recommended this website to parents and teens in the past because there are no links to porn sites and the site covers a broad number of topics and issues and is well prepared. The bdsm related article is at: http://www.scarleteen.com/sexuality/kinky.html

And, lastly, I found this discussion useful. I printed it out and showed it to my girlfriend. She immediately identified with fp and her problem. Talk is important and there are a number of ways possible to discuss a subject/issue safely.

Hope this helps,

Woodsbunny

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 20
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