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UKMASTER69 -> confused (6/24/2005 2:59:23 AM)
Hi,i would like to ask a question that has been bugging me for a while. I am a Dom and have been in this lifestyle for a couple of months,i havent found a sub yet as i dont want until i feel i am ready to be the best i can be. As much as i respect the lifestyle,i find myself chatting to a lot of sub women and sometimes it becomes sexual,this to me is quite normal,i have always had an easy approach to women. But i dont want to be labelled a player,just because i like women and i dont want people thinking i am dissrespecting the lifestyle. I was just wondering if this is normal? I dont wish to offend anyone and i hope i have eplained myself clearly,i would just like some input on this,so i can get an idea if what i am doing is right.wrong,or normal. The last thing i want is for people to think i am dissrespecting the lifestyle or that i dont take it properly,as anyone who knows me or chats to me will know i am genuine and serious,so i thank you for your time and look forward to your replies.

Focus50 -> RE: confused (6/24/2005 3:49:02 AM)
Hmmmm.... It's normal for lifestyle newbies to lack confidence, be they Dom/me or sub, but you're also a mature adult so it shouldn't be too difficult to at least be yourself - especially if you are the Dom you say! Respect or otherwise doesn't necessarily require knowledge or experience. I mean, we're not talking about obscure lands with foreign languages and customs etc. "The lifestyle" is not some God/dess to pay tribute to; it's just a general term for like-minded people to gather and share with each other. I'm confident in who I am and I'm well mannered and respectful to strangers until or unless they prove themselves unworthy of the unearned respect I initially offered.... But despite all the years I've been in the lifestyle, I know very little of so-called protocols many other lifestylers swear by - mostly because I don't need them! What I have is pride, principles, manners and a low tolerance of the obnoxious and not only does that carry me through any lifestyle "situation" with other members of community, I had it all long before I found BDSM.... It's never easy starting out with anything new but where the lifestyle is concerned, if you're both a decent enough fella and a Dom, you have no reason to be "walking on egg shells" as you seem to be here..... Just do what should be soooo simple for you - be yourself! Focus50.

UKMASTER69 -> RE: confused (6/24/2005 4:10:01 AM)
Firstly thanks for replying i can use as much input as i can get. I just want to be the best i can and although i havent changed myself as far as my personailty goes,i just want to make sure i dont dissrespect the lifestyle as i am sure it is easy to do. I assume each Dom/Master is different to the next and each has his own may of doing things and i assume it desnt make one more right than another as long as they are following the D/s code. I just dont want some of the traditional Doms/Masters thinking i am bein dissrespectful in anyway because of my personality and although i joke a lot and act the fool it doesnt mean i dont take things serious. I think the best thing for me to do is take a day at a time and do the best i can in the way i can and see what happens.so thanks again for your help and have a great day.

Focus50 -> RE: confused (6/24/2005 4:46:15 AM)
Ok, a few tips for being the best you can be online - depending on whether it really matters to you or not.... Firstly, I presume from your handle that you're English and these sites require the written word for you to access and express so get acquainted with your own language and either learn to spell or operate a spell-check.... And "English" includes grammar which means giving yourself a capital when referring to yourself! One of the common ways of expressing role differences on BDSM sites is that subs mostly refer to themselves, for example, as "i" whereas Dom/mes would write "I".... It doesn't mean you have to and indeed there'll always be a rebel in any group but A) you're the one who's concerned about what other Dom/Masters think of you and B) tapping the "Shift" key literally takes milliseconds to do. Besides, I'm guessing you're probably more interested in what subs think of you and if you're not gonna respect yourself enough to wear the "Dom uniform", so to speak, why should they believe you're really the Dom you say? Even online, some actions can still speak louder than the actual words you've typed.... If you hadn't actually said you were a Dom, most would think you were a sub from your writing manner, lack of caps and general fear of offending.... Start with the little things and good luck! Focus50.

DesertRat -> RE: confused (6/24/2005 5:09:50 AM)
Hi there, There is no code. No rules or constraints of any kind, other than the ones that apply in any other realm of human interaction. There is no system or structure for you to learn, memorize and plug yourself into...no entrance exam and no hierarchy. This is just my opinion, of course, but you don't need to learn about "us" as much as you need to learn about 'you'. Don't worry overmuch about missteps and mistakes. There is no way you can learn without making mistakes, right? Fucking up is part of the process. The same goes for offending people. I suggest you don't worry too much about that. For one thing, if you tick someone off, they will let you know and you can deal with it then. And remember, there is no Council Of Masters sitting in judgement of you. All I am trying to say (while inadequately caffeinated) is that this is not a monolithic, cohesive, fraternity-type thing....and that's a good thing! Not a club you gain entry to. It's not about getting a permit or a license. It's just another one of those wonderful, indefinable, infinitely variable realms of human behavior. Relax and be in it. More coffee! Bob

fastlane -> RE: confused (6/24/2005 5:31:06 AM)
You can be as sexually explicit as you like, when communicating with submissives via the net, however, only you know what your true intentions are. Player or Dominant male looking for someone to share the lifestyle with you?

Domin81 -> RE: confused (6/24/2005 9:18:29 AM)
IMHO the most important thing for you to do is to be open and honest. Be clear on what your experience/skill level is and be honest on what your intentions are. If you have been straight forward with someone, it is their choice whether to get involved or not. Persons that get labeled as players have usually 'played' the people to get close to them. Foreploy: The art of misrepresenting yourself in the hope of getting laid. In the mean time do everything you can to learn and hone your skills as a Dom/Top. Read every applicable book, website you can. Go to workshops, events and munches. Meet Doms/Tops and you can learn from their experiences. You don't need to be an 'experienced' Top to play. Just stay within your limits and make sure your play partner knows and understands your experience. We all were newbies once.

dechala -> RE: confused (6/24/2005 10:46:18 AM)
Well i'm not in your shoes but i would think it's somewhat normal when you're attracted to someone for the discussion to eventually become sexual.i dont think that defines whether or not you're a "player".If women complain about then i'd say change your tactics.Look at how you're sayng something and not necessarily what you're saying.You can be flirtatious without being overtly sexual.IMO Good luck [:)]

sub4hire -> RE: confused (6/24/2005 12:55:54 PM)
Some people will label you a player and some will label you serious. The only thing that matter's is the one you seek real time believes you are serious. I suggest to be serious to this lifestyle has a lot to offer to just stay online forever.

WyckedGryn -> RE: confused (6/24/2005 2:04:31 PM)
I have to agree with Domin81 here... quote: ORIGINAL: Domin81 IMHO the most important thing for you to do is to be open and honest. Be clear on what your experience/skill level is and be honest on what your intentions are. If you have been straight forward with someone, it is their choice whether to get involved or not. Persons that get labeled as players have usually 'played' the people to get close to them. Foreploy: The art of misrepresenting yourself in the hope of getting laid. In the mean time do everything you can to learn and hone your skills as a Dom/Top. Read every applicable book, website you can. Go to workshops, events and munches. Meet Doms/Tops and you can learn from their experiences. You don't need to be an 'experienced' Top to play. Just stay within your limits and make sure your play partner knows and understands your experience. We all were newbies once. Perhaps your spending too much time online and not enough RT meeting people and learning from them. The internet, for all it offers is wonderful. But in regards to the lifestyle, everything you read is going to be someone elses opinion. Take what you need from it and put the B.S in the trash. Go to some munches, meet some people, be honest about your level of experience and you'll find many Dom/mes willing and eager to help you. After all, it's human nature, BDSM or otherwise, we all like people who look up to us and seek our knowledge. Some good reading for new Doms... and subs: SM 101 Miss Abernathy's Concise Slave Training Manuel Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns I'm sure there are others, but those are a good start. Wycked

Estring -> RE: confused (6/24/2005 4:34:18 PM)
I would say that the subs you are "playing" sexually with are probably players too. I doubt that they are seeking anything more than that. If you are to become the Dom that you want to be, it won't happen online. You need to meet and learn from people in real life.

Gauge -> RE: confused (6/24/2005 11:33:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UKMASTER69 Hi,i would like to ask a question that has been bugging me for a while. I am a Dom and have been in this lifestyle for a couple of months,i havent found a sub yet as i dont want until i feel i am ready to be the best i can be. As much as i respect the lifestyle,i find myself chatting to a lot of sub women and sometimes it becomes sexual,this to me is quite normal,i have always had an easy approach to women. But i dont want to be labelled a player,just because i like women and i dont want people thinking i am dissrespecting the lifestyle. I was just wondering if this is normal? I dont wish to offend anyone and i hope i have eplained myself clearly,i would just like some input on this,so i can get an idea if what i am doing is right.wrong,or normal. The last thing i want is for people to think i am dissrespecting the lifestyle or that i dont take it properly,as anyone who knows me or chats to me will know i am genuine and serious,so i thank you for your time and look forward to your replies. ***Flipping frantically through the Official BDSM Handbook*** Ahhh... here it is, page 563, paragraph 4, subparagraph 17 states: "When new to BDSM one must always represent themselves properly. You must not be anything but genuine and sincere be it a Dom or sub. If you are found in violation of this rule, you will be held down and have sandpaper rubbed viscously all over your body until you bleed and will be bathed in vinegar and rolled in rock salt" All kidding aside, not everyone will take you seriously. If you are representing yourself in a sincere fashion what do you care what others think of you? Most of the reason that people suggest to go to BDSM functions in your area is to eliminate some of the Internet bullshit that goes on. The Internet can be used to meet people but it is no substitute for real life. There is no BDSM police who will arrest you if they think you are disrespecting the lifestyle. Another thing, if you wait until you are the best Dom you can be, you will never have a submissive in your life time. Everyone in this lifestyle is learning new things all the time. The only thing that will make you a better dominant is practice. With practice comes confidence and it seems that you need a booster shot of confidence. Go out and meet people, get to know other dominants, if you meet one that you get along with then ask if he could mentor you. Oh, one more thing... being labeled a player is a risk that everyone takes. Just ask any submissive that has an owner (clearly stated in their profile) and gets email from another Dom telling her to submit to him and the sub fires back an email explaining that they are owned. The Dom who wrote will ultimately write back and say that they are not a true submissive and that the sub should not treat other Dom's with disrespect... yadda.... yadda.... yadda. Hope this helps.

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