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laineyjade -> RE: Loosing a mindset (7/21/2007 7:37:34 AM)
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hi Shelly,
I have had that happen too, more than once and in the same relationship which is now over.
Since meeting a new dom, I've realized that all it took was for me to be very honest with him to the point of saying "no, I don't want to do what you're telling me, even if this isn't the right attitude, I am not feeling it here with you right now." Unlike the previous dom who used any 'tude to browbeat me about my submissiveness (you're not really a submissive, etc., arguing, veiled threats, put downs), this current dom wants to hear all the inner voices even if they're very unlike what I "should" be thinking.
With this kind of open communication, we can sit down and talk about the past and how I feel and what's going on now, and the resentment just kind of begins to melt away. It turns out he doesn't just want someone to do everything he says no matter how they feel and let them fume deep inside where it's convenient for him not to have to deal with emotions. Sometimes he'll say something like, "I know you're feeling edgy and unresponsive about this, but after talking about it I think you're basically okay doing it, so I'd like you to go and do this anyway and then come back and tell me if it made you feel any worse." And then when I do it, I don't feel nearly as upset as I would have, just because he understands the extra effort I went to and is willing to change things around if it's really upsetting me for real. Other times he changes things he'd have had me to do avoid those pointless tasks that upset me and aren't particularly useful to him (like for example, writing a journal, I can't stand it now due to the way it was used against me in the previous relationship, I hate it and freeze up, so my current dom has said rather than writing down my thoughts I could whisper them to him during cuddle times in bed... using a stuffed toy to "say" things for me that I am too nervous to say, which makes me giggle and takes down the walls of fear... and this has taken a chore that used to horrify me and turned it into a sweet bedtime ritual).
I think your submissive feelings will come back with the right person who isn't rigid or judgemental, who takes you as you are, understands that your ambiguous feelings are ordinary and natural and are not a threat to him, is expert at compromise and working with you instead of butting heads with you, who doesn't get angry or threatened when you struggle against something but helps you to work thought it, and who maintains his dominance not by being overly demanding or smothering while letting you repress the negative feelings but by openly examining things as they are and choosing the best course of action not only for himself but for you too.
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