RE: Aging parents

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Aging parents

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> RE: Aging parents

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Aging parents - 7/22/2007 11:59:19 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

No, they're not smokers. Mom has really bad lung problems and I have told her all that smoke is bad for her. We got rid of all of the non stick pans because her lung specialist stressed that the fumes they emit would be really bad for her. A few months ago my Dad bought her this fancy iron that she just had to have, although I don't really know why, she only irons something once or twice a year. (Downy wrinkle releaser...works great...do yourself a favor and get some) Anyway, he got her this $300 iron and she had it about a week when she set it on the stove burner to let it cool. Later she went to make tea and turned on the wrong burner and melted that fancy iron into a bubbling puddle that went all down into the stove. That smell was in the house for a week.

I have told her to always make sure that she is properly dressed because there is a good likelihood she is going to end up standing in the driveway with a bunch of firefighters one day and she'd feel really dumb standing there naked.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 7/23/2007 12:06:15 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Termyn8or)

Post #: 21

RE: Aging parents - 7/23/2007 12:08:56 AM

KMsAngel

Posts: 17415
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline

lol, good that she's still got a sense of humor.

why not try combining your cooking with her helping. that way she still feels useful, she gets some control over what they're eating, and you make sure that 1) all nutritional needs are met (without that extra aluminum) 2) she likes what you're cooking and 3) some mother/daughter bonding time if nothing else! then get her to help package them, label them, etc etc etc.

as parents age its vy important to make them feel that they still have some control over their lives.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 22

RE: Aging parents - 7/23/2007 5:48:40 AM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

when i became moms caregiver, i would go over there and either cook for her or just be there while she cooked.....we would do several days worth of food, leaving the meat and veggies in the fridge to be nuked, sometimes even using leftover to go plates to portion up an entire meal......or several.....

the thing i noticed about mom was some days she was glad to accept my help, some days she was hostile....

once i figured out it wasnt personal, but her angry over losing control, i just worked with her moods......doing all i could on the days she wanted it, and treading lightly when she was grouchy.......

we fell into a routine eventually-and she was able to live in the house i was raised in, and i brought her to home hospice there and she died there too......she was happy to be at home, and i was proud to not have to put her in a home.......

good luck hon....its a hard row to hoe, but it can be done, with patience, love, and if youre bent that way, xanax and 420 dont hurt one it-lol

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to KMsAngel)

Post #: 23

RE: Aging parents - 7/23/2007 5:48:45 AM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

Try taking a specified time...like a Saturday afternoon when you can be in the kitchen with your mom. The two of you can cook all the meals for the week together, divide them into portions and freeze them. It gives you both quality time together and during the week all she has to do is take out a meal and heat in the microwave. Less chance of a fire and less worry for you. She still has the satisfaction of being independent too. Taking care of a parent is hard...you have to juggle emotions and find the balance of helping them without taking away their pride. Good luck.

I haven't read all of the responses so if this has been said already, I apologize.

edited to add...yup, should have read the whole thread before responding. Sorry for repeating what others have said.

< Message edited by Aileen68 -- 7/23/2007 5:51:50 AM >

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 24

RE: Aging parents - 7/23/2007 5:56:12 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

There really is nothing you can do with your mother. As you stated she is forgetful. So, even if you have a talk with her it will essentially go in one ear and out the other as my own mother used to say.
Even if she understands this moment in time the next it will be all over.

Have your father back you up. I asked her to cook for us tonight. I asked her to help me with this or that.
If he is of sound mind he should have no issue at all letting your mother know for you.

I lived through it for 12 years. Parents are proud and do not want to think they need to rely on their children for support of any kind. At one point I told my father to suck it up. He took care of me while I was growing up, now it was time to return the favor. It actually worked. Though, he could also remember our conversation.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 25

RE: Aging parents - 7/23/2007 6:38:29 AM

sophia37

Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline

I need to comment on this one. Dear mistoferin, you and I are in the same place right now. So I know what youre going through and how you feel. Its a tricky patch of ground youre walking on for sure. None of us want to take away someones independance, since there will come a day when ours will be questioned as well.

I went thru these same fears with the cooking with my mom, and Im now going through it with my aunt. One concrete thing i did was "make too much food" oops! Guess there'll be leftovers to heat in the microwave for you guyz! I went so far as to buying the microwave dinner plates with the compartments so I could prepare entire "instant" meals.

Then since you are a chef, is there is a day you could claim as your own in their kitchen? To test out a new recipe or something? Then like I said, cook too much of it so they'll have to eat it. You've now got several days per week covered. At least two.

For another day can you start a new tradition? Bring in some sort of inexpensive take out one day per week to try? Thats three days now covered.

Since you know your mom is forgetful now, but she wants to cook, does she cook at the same time every day? Most peoople do. If youve got siblings, you could work together on this one so someone could pop in at that time or right after that time, to make sure things have gone smoothly and not been forgotten. This is just a matter of planning and having everyone in on the plan. Easier said than done I know.

The problem youre dealing with, is that our parents have done things a certain ways for years and years. its hard to then make them change their ways. Actually its impossible. So like I said earlier, you have to deal with what is, not what should be. Try not to let it get to you. Try to stay away from the why-oh-why does it have to be like this thoughts that can creep up on you. Stick with the logical if you can. I mean sure, you could try to talk it to death with your folks about how she burns the food, your worries etc. But in the end, you might as well save your breath. So sure make jokes, everybody will get it, but do what you must do without concensus from the mom and dad, since you'll never get it.

I think caring for parents is very difficult. Its exhausting, time consuming, emotionally draining and more things than I even feel like writing. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world to get you through this period of your life. And may god bless you for being there for them. You are a rare person in many ways. Hoepfully what goes around comes around for you. For what you are doing is a good thing.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 26

RE: Aging parents - 7/23/2007 10:37:55 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I'd say be tough. She gets to do all the non actual cooking stuff- salads and fruits and setting tables and after dinner washing. So she's still helping with the food- just not actually cooking anything.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sophia37)

Post #: 27

RE: Aging parents - 7/23/2007 2:33:58 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

My mom doesn't have Alzheimer's or dementia...but she is getting very, very forgetful. Maybe forgetful is a poor choice of wording, more like she has no attention span, has a hard time focusing on things and is getting very disorganized.

Has she been tested for alzheimers? Her symptoms sound a lot like what my in-laws went through in their early stages of alzheimers. Good luck with it.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 28

RE: Aging parents - 7/23/2007 5:27:13 PM

submittous

Posts: 345
Joined: 6/12/2004
Status: offline

We moved back to Denver for 4 years to take care of Iris's mother until she passed away a few years ago. We lived on the same property like you are.

I have a little advice for you to think about. Things will change regularly through this experience. As your parents age further and problems continue conditions will be different, their capabilities will likely erode. You will need to be willing to act when you recognize that their change means that what they do, even how they live must change too. Sometimes that may require confrontation.

If you look at everyday as an opportunity to be with them and know them even better you will prosper through what many think is a bad experience. Try to find the good things everyday, be as honest as you can with yourself and them... but most of all trust yourself and your judgement, it is probably better than theirs today.

good luck

Bill

_____________________________

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 29

RE: Aging parents - 7/23/2007 7:18:12 PM

nyrisa

Posts: 1830
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

mist, when we dealt with this with my husband's independent, hard headed dad, we could not convince him to not use the stove, and he was constantly on the brink of burning the house down. He had Alzheimer's, and his memory was extremely short term, plus his decision making skills were way off. Finally, my husband just disabled the stove, and got him sold on the idea that since it would cost too much to replace the "defective" stove, and we were cooking anyway, it was more reasonable for us to just bring his meals.

Maybe you could discuss something like this with your dad, and see if he could convince your mom. Maybe ask her to help you sometimes when you cook, do her special dishes, etc. If there is something that she can still manage other than cooking, trade her that chore in return.

_____________________________

A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. Robert Heinlein

The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it is still on my list.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 30

RE: Aging parents - 7/23/2007 7:25:23 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

My mom has lived with me for a long time, she had a stroke years ago. I had to assert myself, and make it clear that the things I did and said was for her own good. The fact that it's worked out well is more a testament to her being a hell of a person more than it is of me doing anything particularly right, I imagine.

Hang in there, erin.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 31

RE: Aging parents - 7/23/2007 7:25:47 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

Is there a Meals on Wheels service in your area? If the mid-day meal is delivered, that might increase the chances of you being close when these things happen.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 32

RE: Aging parents - 7/23/2007 7:26:44 PM

pollux

Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

I don't have much advice to offer Erin, but I'll offer my sympathy -- went thru something similar with my mom before she passed away last year, and I'm continuing to go thru it with my dad.

My sister & I kinda lucked out and had one of these places nearby: http://www.leezasplace.org/index2.html

It's focused on Alzheimer's and similar disorders, but they're really not that specific in practice -- they'll offer support to anyone who's facing elder care issues.

They had a lot of resources that, as it turned out, we never had to use, but we felt better knowing there were some options if things ever got to be too much for us.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 33

RE: Aging parents - 7/23/2007 7:41:29 PM

nyrisa

Posts: 1830
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

baby, I know what you are saying, and you will be devastating all drunk and keening--------------

but you shouldn't manage the death of your parents, you see?

They bore you (the other bore) and it is hard, and I understand, but really they are people and don't want you fussing, do you understand what I am saying? it is right that parents die before children................

Ron, I do understand what you are saying. In this generation, we are having to face situations that rarely arose in earlier phases of society. In the past, people usually died of illness before their mental faculties diminished to the point of not being capable of independent living. Now, though, people live longer and longer, and the last years are all too often spent with declining mental status.

We talk a lot on these boards about consent; about being aware of risks, and taking responsibility for our choices, as adults. But when a person's judgement deteriorates to the point that they are endangering themselves and others, can we really just say, it's their decision? Whether it is to continue using a stove when they can no longer safely do so, or to drive even when they can't remember their way home, or forget which side of the road to drive on, is it still their right to do so as adults? It is as innappropriate and dangerous for some elderly to drive or cook, as it would be for a six year old to do so, if their functional mental status is equivalent.

The problem also involves the rights of others. In the case of my father in law, I could well understand his need for independence, that made him still want to drive his own car, even though he could not really remember how the controls worked any more. But even if I was prepared to allow "fate" to determine when his number comes up, I would still have to consider what would happen if he drove into another car and injured or killed others, or if he caused a fire in the kitchen that led to other family members dying.

There is no easy or painless answer to this dilemma. Each family that faces it, must feel their way through the maze of conflicting fears and needs. When all is said and done, the best that any of us, as caregivers , can hope to say is, "I did my best."

_____________________________

A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. Robert Heinlein

The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it is still on my list.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 34

RE: Aging parents - 7/24/2007 3:02:06 AM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nyrisa

snip
There is no easy or painless answer to this dilemma. Each family that faces it, must feel their way through the maze of conflicting fears and needs. When all is said and done, the best that any of us, as caregivers , can hope to say is, "I did my best."

amen........when i look back at how i did with my mom, i wasnt perfect, but i can say i did my best.....

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to nyrisa)

Post #: 35

RE: Aging parents - 7/24/2007 8:49:48 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

The only thing that would compell me to move from my present location would be the fact that my mother was no longer able to live completely alone. The full "walk out" basement already has a bathroom and would easily be converted to an apartment. I've already promised that if the place became too much for her, i would come so that she does not have to leave the home she loves.

Erin and anyone else caring for aging parents....hats off to you. You've been given great suggestions from the other posters....especially Aileen...and KmsAngel.

Good luck

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)

Post #: 36

RE: Aging parents - 7/24/2007 9:05:04 AM

MissSCD

Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

To the op:

I am there.

I am living with my mother who lost her husband, my father in 2000. It has worked out well because I divorced in 2003 then I became ill. I moved in with her so that she could take care of me.
Now that I am better, she is sick.   She is 75.
At the same time, I have a relationship with my slave. He has his own place. At least I can stay over there some times to get away from it.
My mother is doing the same things.   She burns stuff. Her cooking is terrible. I get her to go out for lunch.
She has been good to me; therefore, my priority is to take care of her. She has spinal stinosis. I am sure that is not spelled correctly.
She also suffers from deep depression which is the worst of it for me.
Fortunately, I am able to work part-time now which gives me some independence back.   We don't stay right up under each other.
I commend you for taking care of your mother. It is the right thing to do. They took care of us.
You can have a lifestyle relationship while you care for your aging parents. Best wishes to you.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 37

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> RE: Aging parents

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094