What do you compromise on?

What do you compromise on? (Full Version)

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kossack -> What do you compromise on? (7/24/2007 8:24:49 PM)
The quest continues, and is maddeningly frustrating. I want so much, and need to learn where to best compromise. I'm not super-picky on looks, but SO picky on smarts, and hope to find someone who is wise, smart and likes the tone in the bedroom to have a playful element, not a dark-squeezing undercurrent. I honestly wonder if I'd be happy with someone who was vanilla, thoughtful and GGG and matched me in other areas outside the bedroom, because, frankly, I'd like to settle down and meet someone I might refer to as 'the one.' Do you find that chemistry grows? I keep thinking it could and should, but it doesn't seem to. (It did once with a friend, but that took years.) Could you surrender to someone that didn't match you intellectually? What about with wisdom/personal growth? Anything you thought was important, but in retrospect, not such a big deal? Anything you talked yourself into that you wish you hadn't?

SexyRed -> RE: What do you compromise on? (7/24/2007 8:34:07 PM)
oh boy...you brought up a topic that I constantly ruminate on. I seem to meet two types of men for potential partners these days: Type 1: intellectually compatible, nice as hell, kind, sweet but no physical chemistry whatsoever. I have tried to push, force or wait for this kind of chemistry because this type would be the loyal one, the good boyfriend type and usually calls when they say they will, etc. But if my skin crawls when they try to kiss me, it is not happening. This type is often very needy and offers to be your friend, but always secretly hopes for romance. Even if you try them out, usually the kinks don't really match up. Type 2: really hot to me, generally good looking, able to talk the clouds from the sky or mysteriously enigmatic. Not overly intelligent, does not communicate well, leaves you hanging, but makes you scream from pleasure, the kinks are perfect together but then they treat you like shit and frustration sets in. You can try and change this one, but it won't work. Usually a player type who is used to women falling over him. He does not offer respect and you are challenged by it, but ultimately it emotionally devastates you. Short of becoming a rocket scientist who can smush the two men together (sort of like I wished I could do with my nice ex husband and my asshole ex boyfriend to form one perfect man), there is no way to compromise. Neither type on their own is right for you, each type has attributes you want and need. I once attended a seminar on Having What You Want with a Man. It was fascinating. The psychologist who ran it in NYC and wrote tons of books on this said that when you walk in the seminar, write down the top 20 things you need in a man. Then, on the second day, narrow it down to 10. On the third and final day of the seminar, you have to pick 5. The five you end up with are the 5 things that are non-negotiables, non-compromises. Everything else you had on the list was a compromise. You need to figure out the 5 and hope you get some of the other 15.

kossack -> RE: What do you compromise on? (7/24/2007 8:50:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SexyRed On the third and final day of the seminar, you have to pick 5. The five you end up with are the 5 things that are non-negotiables, non-compromises. Everything else you had on the list was a compromise. You need to figure out the 5 and hope you get some of the other 15. What counts--like if I'm looking for a real-life, monogamous, relationship with possiblity of being long-term--is that 1 thing or 3 or none? I think my essentials are chemistry (which is so odd--for me, it has a lot to do with the speed someone talks about and how they bounce ideas around), matching me intellectually, some spiritual yearning, thoughtful and politically liberal. And I think I could give up one of the last 4 and possibly 2, but must have at least 2 of those 4.

SexyRed -> RE: What do you compromise on? (7/24/2007 8:55:49 PM)
well that is the challenge...there were some women who left the seminar and got married within a year. I divorced my husband, met my horrible ex-boyfriend, so I guess I did not listen too well and I did not pay attention to the priorities that I stated I needed. That was a recipe for disaster. But you need to apply this when you meet men and don't be unflexible, or unyielding, but do pay attention to your gut.

slaveluci -> RE: What do you compromise on? (7/24/2007 9:23:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kossack Do you find that chemistry grows? I keep thinking it could and should, but it doesn't seem to It never has for me. Either it's there from the beginning or it isn't. Other things may grow over time but not the chemistry. quote: Could you surrender to someone that didn't match you intellectually? What about with wisdom/personal growth? Most relationships I've ever been in were based on my physical attraction to my parner. Looking back now, this seems insane as I really do place a lot of value on someone's intellect. I'm a voracious reader and love learning but I've usually found myself with men who have no interest in either. Why? I found them hot and/or fun. Though I find Master hot and fun too, He is the first Man with whom I've had a long-term relationship whose intellect I truly respect. We both love reading and learning. Now that I have compatibility in that area, I can't imagine not having it again or why I ever settled for less.....luci

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: What do you compromise on? (7/24/2007 9:25:30 PM)
Actually I find it best to list the things I will NOT compromise on. Everything else is flexible to a greater or lesser extent. Since I don't "seek" then I get the pleasure of evaluating what comes by as it comes by on an individual basis.

ProlificNeeds -> RE: What do you compromise on? (7/25/2007 1:36:37 AM)
quote: Do you find that chemistry grows? I keep thinking it could and should, but it doesn't seem to. (It did once with a friend, but that took years.) I have had connections to people that seem to spark right away, this is usually for me an intellectual thing, if I find someone who makes me think and can give me truely stimulating conversation. On the reverse side, there have been people in my life that I felt were so-so or blah, at first, but my attraction seemed to grow over time, I think because it was based less in the immediate features and characteristics, and more in the history and respect I build with them. Things like 'dependability' and 'trust' can be very attractive once they've been built up over time. quote: Could you surrender to someone that didn't match you intellectually? What about with wisdom/personal growth? I could surrender, and love a person who doesn't match me intellectually, but I probably wouldn't feel fulfilled in the relationship over the long term. The same goes for wisdom and personal growth, if they're not there, then I won't be there for long either. How ever If a persons wisdom and personal growth do match or exceed me, I feel that makes up for 'intellect'. To me intellect is just how much crap you've crammed in your head, wisdom, is the common sense area, which is as important, if not moreso. quote: Anything you thought was important, but in retrospect, not such a big deal? Experience. Just because some people have it, doesn't mean they learned from it. The ability to learn is far more important, the experience always comes in time, the wit to learn from it doesn't. quote: Anything you talked yourself into that you wish you hadn't? Nope. I don't talk myself into things, I either a) want to do it, b) don't care either way, or c) won't do it. Everything on my "no way" list has a reason, if those reasons become invalid then the item moves to one of the other two catagories.

michelleryder -> RE: What do you compromise on? (7/25/2007 7:25:33 AM)
My guess is if the chemistrys not there from the outset then the relationship won't work. Somewhere i read that best relationships are formed between people of a similar intellect. As for looks who cares what he looks like it's just a bonus if you find him attractive.To me what matters is that you click.

littleone35 -> RE: What do you compromise on? (7/25/2007 10:18:36 AM)
Ther are a few thing i will not comprmise on. The first is intellect i want a Master i can talk to outside the bedroom as well as in. The second is he has to have a sence of humor ans i have a good one so i want someone i can laugh with. One thing i thought i wouls nor comprmise on is arrogrance My Master is a little arrogrant but it what makes him the man he is and on him it "looks" good. Matt's littleone

RCdc -> RE: What do you compromise on? (7/25/2007 10:32:55 AM)
Define for yourself what you won't compromise on, then work on the rest. And compromise but don't just simply settle. Compatability and chemistry can grow and alter but it is very rare and in the instance where that occured for me, there wasn't compromise because it just 'happened'. I am a big believer in not searching or looking. Just let things happen and work on them as they do - that way everything comes very naturally, there is no difficulties caused by second guessing and the relationship for me has always been more fluid. Peace the.dark.

hejira92 -> RE: What do you compromise on? (7/25/2007 10:50:38 AM)
I always dated well-heeled, educated types (call me an intellectual snob with a doctorate). Then I met Master. The chemistry blew me away. He has intellect, humor, insight, wisdom and His formal education ended with a GED. I not only learned a lesson in how to not be so judgmental, I found out what I had been doing wrong. Sometimes questioning assumptions of what you are looking for will eliminate the need for compromise on the more important qualities. Good luck [:)]

imthatacheyouhav -> RE: What do you compromise on? (7/25/2007 10:55:18 AM)
I'd have to say honesty, character, and intellect. A very close second to those would be physical attraction.

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