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Rafters -> Montreal Comedians (7/25/2007 3:38:53 AM)
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Here is a collection of some of the best jokes of this year's [Montreal] Just for Laughs, as witnessed by Gazette reviews. And just a reminder: The galas have come and gone, but the comedy festival continues until Sunday.
"In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening."
Alonzo Bodden
"I'm a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs. They wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn't work out, I can always try gardening."
Alonzo Bodden
"Women like jewellery. They're like raccoons: Show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home."
Alonzo Bodden
"I was studying psychology and then I went straight into therapy."
Wendy Liebman
"I couldn't afford (to go to) Europe, so I went backpacking through Epcot and drank my way around the world."
Wendy Liebman
"Twenty-five years ago there were no computers. Can you imagine your job without ... solitaire?"
Wendy Liebman
"I've been on so many blind dates, I should have gotten a free dog."
Wendy Liebman
"Marriage is built on paranoia and mistrust. I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and she wakes up out of dead sleep to say, 'Where are you going?' Why, to have sex with the midget I store in the medicine closet."
Tom Papa
"Now they're saying cigarettes can cause cancer of the cervix. I'm always very careful to put them in my mouth."
Fiona O'Loughlin
"I'm living with a crazy midget. Crazy people talk to themselves, laugh at their own jokes and s--t themselves. That's my son."
Jo Koy
"When you have sex with a glow-in-the-dark condom, it's kind of like being in a lighthouse: It's light, it's dark. It's light, it's dark. It's light, it's dark."
Frank Skinner
"I thought that maybe the Muslim women, instead of wearing the head-to-toe burka thing, they could wear Disney character suits. So that way, they're covered, and it's a little more fun."
Frank Skinner
"If I could find a way to masturbate without hands, I would have had time to learn a craft."
Mickey D.
"Fellows, you don't want to get caught by your dad, because you just know he'll say, 'You're not doing it right.' And then the next natural step: 'Let me show you how to do it.'
Mickey D.
"What my mom used to do to punish me, because she couldn't hit me, she would iron a crease into the front of my pants. So then the other kids at school would beat me."
Josh Thomas
"We were into different things, you know. I like life, and she likes sucking it out of me."
Daniel Townes
"I had a girlfriend; she was pretty weird. She was into self-harm. So I gave her a hammer for her birthday. Knock yourself out!"
Rhys Darby
"There's no need to shout out at me on the street. I know what year it is, I've never been near a car wash and who the f--- is Shaft?"
Stephen K. Amos, on growing an Afro
"If the food needed pepper, it should be on it."
Michael McIntyre,
on obsequious waiters
"Why is sex always better in a hotel? Is it because you're with a hooker?"
Jimmy Carr
Britcom
"I told my mother I wanted to grow up and be a comedian. She said you can't do both."
Jimmy Carr
"I was just at the airport. Those treadmills they've got are huge."
Jimmy Carr
"My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese ... as if she doesn't have enough on her plate."
Jimmy Carr
"I worry that if my grandmother is alone in the house and she falls, does she make a sound?"
Jimmy Carr
"A unitard. Sounds like a special-needs kid with a horn."
Jimmy Carr
"Women reach their sexual peak after 35 years ... men after four minutes."
Jimmy Carr
"Men think about sex every seven seconds, which I think makes talking to your dad very creepy."
Jimmy Carr
"My friend said, 'You have to read this book; it's a page turner.' Well, I know how books work."
Jimmy Carr
"Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?"
Jimmy Carr
"In Australia, they sell Coon cheese in the supermarket. They say, 'It's just a name.' Well, Ku Klux Klan is just a name and they don't sell pillow cases ... though it would be funny if they did."
Stephen K. Amos
"I'm the only one on this bill tonight who has genuinely been mistaken for a lesbian."
John Moloney
Britcom
"After you've been married for 12 years, sex is boring - or, for the educated, moribund."
John Moloney
"I'm proud of my grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Unfortunately, this was in 1972, but you can never be too careful."
John Moloney
"I'd like to learn a new language: Scottish. It's a mixture of English and alcohol. You drink a pint and end each sentence with 'you bastard.' "
Sean Meo
"In Dubai, I got a throat infection and I coughed up phlegm and accidentally ordered a taxi to the airport."
Sean Meo
"Get a copy of the Quran and you'll always get a seat on the bus. Add a rucksack and sandals and you can drive the damn thing."
Sean Meo
on England under terror alerts
"The pedophile alarm clock goes off when the big hand is on the little hand."
Frank Skinner
"Alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that has a story. 'Tequila? Oh no, dude, never again.' "
Tom Papa
"My wife thinks a B&B is a romantic getaway. I think it's creepy, sharing coffee with strangers who were eavesdropping on you the night before."
Tom Papa
"A girl's room is like a genie's bottle, pillows everywhere and if you rub in the right place, all your dreams come true."
Tom Papa
"You know you're fat when you drop something and say, 'Do I need that?' "
Robert Kelly
"You think you're tough because you played football? Try to push a football out of your ass."
Jo Koy, on childbirth
"I'm a mother of five myself and I couldn't tell you all of their names off the top of my head because I drink like a fish."
Fiona O'Loughlin
"I drank and smoked during pregnancy and then I read the pamphlet and called my mum and said, 'Don't bother to knit the sleeves.' "
Fiona O'Loughlin
"I have anger issues with the tennis chair umpire and his 'Quiet please.' He's the only one making any noise. I'd like that guy on my side in arguments. 'Quiet please, point to Joe.' "
Joe Matarese
"Have you ever found a helpful person working in a Canadian Tire? You have a better chance of finding a figure skater in Kenya."
Tim Nutt
"Scotland, a land where Tourette's is seen as a gift, where one learns to conjugate the verb f--k by the age of 5, where the national symbol is a weed - thistle- and where the diet was deemed by the UN as worst in the world, even worse than places without food. And where no one appreciates last call at the bar: Can't go home now, I'll remember everything!"
Danny Bhoy
"In the German lottery, they don't pick six winning numbers. No, they eee-eliminate 43 numbers."
Danny Bhoy
"Over 100 metres, crocodiles are faster than horses. Don't know how many horses it took to prove that."
Danny Bhoy
"Corn-fed, farm-reared chicken, good at tennis. I don't want to know about his childhood. I just want to eat the bloody thing."
Danny Bhoy
"If you're good at what you do, you shouldn't have a gimmicky stage name."
Danny Bhoy
"There are no good roles for Indians in Hollywood, unless you're shooting at Jack Bauer or looking for White Castle."
Mark Saldana
"My grandfather was in World War II. The white one. He killed my other grandfather. Happy about that?"
KT Tatara,
Japanese-American comic
"In Alabama and India, there are similar symbols for married women. In India, a red dot on the forehead means you're married. In Alabama, it's a black eye."
Mark Saldana
"It's tough being brown after 9/11. White people love black people now. If you're brown, you're going down."
Jazz Mann
"This is the first year Canada Customs gets guns. Next year, they get bullets."
Jazz Mann
"100,000 troops can't find Osama Bin Laden. Send in the Jehovah's Witnesses, they find everyone."
Jazz Mann
"I'm 33 and not married. That's like Kryptonite to my Indian mother."
Jazz Mann
"Ever question a bill in a Chinese restaurant? 'I didn't eat triangle, square, square.' "
Jo Koy
"I can't understand my 3-year-old, he sounds like a bad Lassie episode."
Jo Koy
"I've always wanted to own a maternity shop. I'd call it: We're
F--ked!"
Zach Galifianakis
"Just read about that kid who had sex with his teacher. He just died from high-fiving."
Zach Galifianakis
"Just saw the Spin Doctors in concert. They were covering their own material."
Zach Galifianakis
"The word 'abbreviation' sure is long for what it means."
Zach Galifianakis
"Just saw the pope on TV. Anyone else get nervous watching a German guy on a balcony addressing a crowd of 200,000?"
Nick DiPaolo
"My wallet was full. My (testicles) were empty. And I asked myself: How can I reverse these two things?' So I got married."
Nick DiPaolo,
The Nasty Show
"I ate a foot-long corn-dog on a nude beach once, but I'll never do it again. And why I put mayonnaise on it I'll never know."
Zach Galifianakis
"Only thing that's worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love. That's why I no longer eat raisins."
Zach Galifianakis
"The only time it's cool to yell 'I have diarrhea!' is when you're playing Scrabble."
Zach Galifianakis
"People assume life in hell is hell. But they've got it all wrong. The devil looks fondly on the sinners. He tells them: 'You've lied, you've cheated, you've stolen - why, you've done the devil's bidding. Help yourself to drugs and hookers forever.' It's heaven that has to be the eternal bore."
Jim Jeffries
"I just had to fly down to Florida. But it was half-business, half-pleasure. I had to put my mother in a nursing home."
Dave Attell
"Just caught CNN's Larry King and Britney Spears on the tube in a meeting of the minds."
Dave Attell
"I have a DVD out. It's selling like the opposite of whatever hot cakes is."
Zach Galifianakis
"At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted? At 7, I think, before he says I don't look like the Kiwanis Club."
Zach Galifianakis
"Heard a report about Lindsay Lohan getting busted with coke in her car. That's a story? Call me when they find a book in her car."
Dave Attell
"You're not a real woman until you've had a couple of kids, your life is in the toilet and someone has stomped all over your dreams!"
Louis C.K.
"I gotta be inconvenienced because you want to run? Here's an idea. Get 5,000 treadmills and set them all to 26 miles."
Joey Kola on marathons
"My wife told me to try Atkins. I said he's dead and I'm eating pasta and chocolate so I consider myself the winner in that one."
Joey Kola on dieting
"There's a reason they call it space. If there was something there they'd call it stuff."
Joey Kola on massive spending on the space program
"My father was a compulsive gambler. We were rich seven times."
Mike DiStefano
"I went to Catholic school. The nuns said don't touch your penis or you'll go right to hell. Let Father Flanagan do it for you."
Mike DiStefano
"I went to a Chinese restaurant and there was a suggestion box, so I wrote 'Free Tibet'."
Mike DiStefano
"Black guys seem to like me. Sometimes I feel like a chubby white girl."
Mike DiStefano
"I broke up with my girlfriend. I told her, 'It's not you, it's me. I hate you.' "
Mike DiStefano
"I'm from the States, all of 'em. I'm running from my childhood, seeking approval from strangers."
Tom Papa, introducing himself as the host at New Faces
"I never got attention from guys, and then the old story, I got the braces off ... my legs."
Amy Shumer
"Adidas came out with new computerized shoes. Phew! I can't play in analog shoe!"
Tim Steeves
"My parents made us take Latin. It comes in handy if someone in the family gets possessed."
Kathleen Madigan
"Larry King is just like your crazy-ass uncle who talks to famous people."
Kathleen Madigan
"I've always vowed never to do drugs that involve rednecks and science. That's why all those labs blow up every night."
Kathleen Madigan
On Canada's U-20 soccer failure: "We have lax immigration laws here and you're telling me we can't find 11 guys who can kick around a ball?"
Steve Patterson
"If you're sitting around thinking, 'Is my colon clean?', then you need a hobby or something."
John Pinette
"I'm a good Catholic, I give up fruits and vegetables every year for Lent."
John Pinette
"9/11 changed the amount of bullshit we accept from our government from 'some' to 'infinite'."
Greg Proops
"Dick Cheney is two green Smarties away from having his aortas congeal."
Greg Proops
25 years ago, "Just for Laughs was just a squirrel in a clown suit desperately trying to hide his nuts."
Sean Cullen
"Global warming isn't real? Excuse me, there are Scottish people with suntans."
Adam Hills
How Bill Clinton would have reacted to Hurricane Katrina: "Standing on a levy with his pants around his ankles, yelling: 'Hey Katrina! Blow this!' "
Adam Hills
"I was in my hotel room today, Febreezing my beard."
Zach Galifianakis
"I went to my high school reunion a while back, which was weird because I was home schooled."
Zach Galifianakis
"Don't close that! Black people, when we buy something, we want people to see it."
Wil Sylvince about the curtain separating coach class from first class in planes
"I'm so paranoid about my kids being grabbed by someone that I only let my daughter hang out with better-looking kids."
Kenny Robinson
"The problem with Americans is that they have smart bombs, but dumb hillbillies hitting the buttons."
Kenny Robinson
"I went out last night and ordered a rum and coke. He said: '$11.' I said, 'I said a rum and coke, not a rum and cocaine.' "
Tony Roberts
"A lot of people ask, 'What would Jesus do?' It's harder when your role model is Zeus. You see a pretty girl and ask, 'What would Zeus do? Turn into a swan and rape her?' "
Sean Cullen
"What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears."
Eugene Mirman
"It's not a phobia if you know why you hate it."
Glenn Wool
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MORE LAUGHS ONLINE: To check out of full coverage of the Just for Laughs festival, including videoclips, go to montrealgazette.com/justforlaughs2007
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