Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (Full Version)

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NakedGirlScout -> Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (7/25/2007 10:11:15 AM)

I'm wondering if I should try some non-controlling play with other women, either subs or switches. For some reason, probably due to an abusive past, I've been unable to relax and let another take control over me during play. I crave the sensations, but the fear and anxiety are too much for me when someone takes control or tries to tell me what to do. The fear overwhelms me, no matter what I've tried or who with (so far only dominants). I've had two long-term commited partners with whom I haven't been able to let go enough to go past a light spanking without bondage (1.5 years with each partner).

I'm wondering if this makes sense: to try playing with another submissive or switch who isn't interested in the control aspect but just in the pleasure and sensation play. Someone with whom I'm on an equal level and who won't try to push my limits or tell me what to do. Someone who won't trigger the memories of my being captive or helpless, but where both of us are free and only there for fun. I have been so much wanting to go further in my S/M play but the "control" issue keeps pulling me back into a frightful state, and the mild spankings that I've been able to tolerate so far are not what I really want.

Any comments... ideas... any other abuse survivors out there have any clues on how to go about this? Could this be a way past the fear triggers?



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (7/25/2007 11:20:15 AM)

I'd say- don't worry about the orientation, just make it a friend you feel good with and who won't push for more.



LordVelvet -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (7/25/2007 11:54:22 AM)

Naked,
I would agree with LA. Who they are is more important that "what" they are. I don't know what your going threw personally but sometimes playing is just playing and it is fun.
LordVelvet



angelikaJ -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (7/25/2007 12:36:03 PM)

For me, I knew coming into this that there will be some issues re: past traumatic events.
I have not played in person yet but i know that when I do feeling the degree of trust for someone is going to take awhile. My advice...is be gentle with your self...find ways everyday to celebrate your smallest successes w/i the lifestlye and in real life...especially when you find yourself mastering things that usually make you feel anxious.
But yes...find someone safe to play with if you choose and use a safe word...sometimes pushing through something can backfire so if you think you need to slow down,take a break or even stop it's ok....
I know you crave something beyond the light spankings you have had.
wants and needs are not always synonimous ...try to respect both but needs should come first.
and when you find youself wanting to connect with someone Domly and you fnd someone that you can be connected to, perhaps you might try some telephone domination...see how that feels.

warmly,
angelikaJ




MasterFireMaam -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (7/25/2007 5:09:08 PM)

Be sure you talk to the person you choose. They have a right to know that you'll be dancing around psychological landmines. They have a right to know, as much as you know, how you will react to certain things and how to communicate with you should you freak out. Also, find someone who will continue even though you are crying or whatnot if continuing is what YOU think is best. That's important, too.

Master Fire



PairOfDimes -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (7/25/2007 6:05:11 PM)

Sure, some tops enjoy just sensation play, no in-scene control, just SM as equals.

In your situation, I wonder if it would help if, rather than equal power, YOU ran the scene, while also being the one to receive sensations. Dominant bottoming, it's called. Service tops (who might identify as submissive, dominant, or switch--it's hard to predict, and if you've got a close kinky friend, he or she might do it just out of kindness, irrespective of orientation) are their counterparts--people who will provide sensation (bondage, spanking, whatever) according to the bottom's requests.

(It's worth mentioning that this may just be your niche--you don't have to do control with play, abuse survivor or no abuse survivor.)

Basically, you just need to tell the person who will play with you, very clearly, that you're not into the "usual" d/s roleplay, and that you want to run the scene or to help to run the scene. You want to experience and focus on sensations, not on inequality--indeed, you might say that you really don't want to feel vulnerable or open or submissive during the scene. Maybe a relatively analytical playtime where you talk about the sensations and say things like, "That was good, but a little lower and harder for the next one, please?" would work for you? Or, perhaps a lighthearted scene would work well--make a game of it, after a fashion.

I do think that if you have PTSD-like triggers, you should tell your top. If you can control your triggers very well, such that you're not apt to have a flashback or experience some sudden strong emotions mid-scene, I don't think you absolutely owe your top a long explanation of being an abuse survivor, but it would still be nice to mention that you've had some bad experiences and that you may need to cut the scene short abruptly.




NakedGirlScout -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (7/26/2007 12:51:10 PM)

    Where does one find the kinds of people that would do these things? I never saw a profile with the words "I am a service top" or "I'm looking for someone who doesn't need to feel submissive when we play."
   
    I didn't know there was such a thing as dominant bottoming or service tops. It never occured to me. Maybe I sort of mentally lumped it all under "switching".
    I thought that feeling vulnerable or open or submissive during the scene was the raison d'etre for any scene and that nobody would want to engage with someone who wasn't going there.
    I had a hunch that wanting to experience and focus on sensations, not on inequality was bad, that it made one... what? A player? Unreal? Untrusting? Something bad.

    I never lose control to the point that anything dangerous happens; at the very worst, I might run and hide for up to 20 minutes (unless they begin to chase me or look for me, in which case I might be freaked into remaining hidden for longer... ). But being triggered definitely ends the scene, and so far I've been heavily criticized by every top/dom who was forced to stop and they took on an air of injury and got accusatory about my being "delicate". Obviously I hate to disappoint someone or end their fun, so this brings a feeling of shame and inadequacy into the play that lingers with me.



tobeme20 -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (7/26/2007 1:51:09 PM)

I have had to deal with issues of being abused in my past too. I just pushed throught the feelings but i also spent a long while getting to now the person i was to be with, we just took things slow. Like when in volving pain, I layed down and he pinched me in different spots while caressing my skin and running his fingers in my hair at the same time. So i would involve in my own head that the situation was a good thing and it made me feel good. Over time I began to trust things and enjoy them very much now. Just find someone that understands and is kind to your present mental state..good luck!




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (7/26/2007 2:35:59 PM)

They are called friends.  Friends in the scene.  Most slaves and subs are more than happy to top a friend, or even just beat them without being toppy at all- just for the sensation.

And yes, unfortunately the stereotype prevails that if you aren't 24/7 live in UAT, then you're a crap player wannabe.  But it's false.



PairOfDimes -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (7/26/2007 6:23:58 PM)

You might look up Midori's essays on dominant masochists and submissive sadists--I'm sure she's written something about it--or find posts from someone who took her class Beyond Twisted, where she explains the idea very well. It is somewhat of a species of switching, but there are different kinds of switching.

Yes, there is a (mostly online) theory that sensations = superficial = bad, and that vulnerability or submission or contrition or something is the only valid goal for tying people up and spanking them. I don't see much truth to that. I've made people feel contrite and vulnerable without having any erotic or physical contact with them (and I've felt that way too, and I imagine we all have--ever gotten a speeding ticket, or made a foolish mistake at work and gotten reamed out about it?). While SM play can certainly be a way to feeling contrite and subservient and vulnerable, and that is a valid goal for a scene, it's not the only one. Because there are many ways to make a person feel meek and acquiescent, we choose to hit and bind people to make them feel meek at least partly because it's fun in its own right. It follows then that we could spank people *without* the goal of enhancing an inequal dynamic, just because intense sensation is fun.

It's certainly true that you have a bigger pool to choose from if you're interested in some amount of submissive roleplay while bottoming, and service tops might not advertise themselves very well on sites like this, but there are people out there who will do what I described in an earlier post. You might have better luck in face-to-face groups--then, there's less pressure to check boxes that lack nuance and to bypass the people who haven't checked the right box--for example, here, you identify yourself by only your power role (dominant, submissive) while on another popular BDSM personals site, you identify yourself only by your sensation role (top, bottom).

I don't really know how you could spot a service top at a munch or party--frankly, I'm not very good at guessing preferred sensation roles at all, which is, I suppose, why flagging was invented. You might want to just chat up people you think are nice and attractive and see if they'll play with you on your terms. Possible, but untested tip-offs: if you see the same person giving a nice massage and then, later, topping in a traditional scene, he or she might have service top inclinations. Service tops (and "egalitarian" tops) tend to be focused on sensations and activities (although this is by no means exclusive to them) so the people whose faces light up at explanations of new gadgets and who fuss over choosing exactly the right toy might be good for you.



NakedGirlScout -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (7/27/2007 12:01:11 AM)

Thank you PairOfDimes,

This is by far the most helpful information I've received on this site, and has already had some very positive consequences in new discussions with my master. Thanks for making the difference!



Viridana -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (7/28/2007 3:36:49 PM)

To the op:
I never play with the control aspect. I only play on an equal basis and only for the sensations. So yes, definately it can be done. I don't have an abusive past so the reason for why I like my play like so can't be found there. I'd say the scenario you are describing or hoping for can be easily done if you find a partner who is searching for the same. I'd recommend good discussions before hand, to try to boycott all situations that might trigger your anxiety. With an emotional situation like your's, I'd say definite consideration of it has to be made. I'd say taking it slow would be a good choice. Since it's all about having fun with it as well.

I wish you good luck and hope you'll be able to maneuver some stuff to fit your needs :)



Drifa -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (7/28/2007 5:13:38 PM)

If you have a lot of fear, anxiety and panic due to past abuse, you may want to consider counselling.  PTSD is a real problem, and it can affect your life in lots of ways.

A woman, however, can be dominant and controlling... if the only reason you think you want a girl is to ease the possibility of control, then you should rethink. If you like the idea of play with another woman, then do it... but just because it's a girl doesn't mean she can't or won't top you or control you.

I had to work thru some abuse problems myself - but like 30 years ago. I attended counselling and did cognitive therapy until I was ready to move forward.  There are still some kinds of scenes I am uncomfortable with... and I've carefully discussed this with my Lady. She knows these things are hard limits for me, and doesn't take me there.  Good communication is key in any relationship, no matter how kinky or vanilla.



Rafters -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (8/4/2007 8:37:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout
    I thought that feeling vulnerable or open or submissive during the scene was the raison d'etre for any scene and that nobody would want to engage with someone who wasn't going there.


Which One True Way is that again, there are so many? [:D]

Say it Brian
quote:


You are all individuals.
Yes, We are all individuals!!
You are all different
Yes, we are all different!! I'm not


I could suggest you find the people who don't conform to the conventional standards of this alternative lifestyle [:D]

But might I suggest instead, if you're looking for a break from simple emotional bondage,you write away nicely to those who have the more "technical" and "aesthetic" kinky interests.
Things like Nawa Shibari, Corsets, Flogging, Photography, TENS /Electro Play, Flame Play, Furniture, Wrapping, Pumping, and anything involving custom made equipment, all spring to mind. Even the humble clothespeg can turn a body into a piano keyboard, where the difference between the right notes and the wrong notes, is a fingertip' breadth.

Since while they are fast, effective headfucking, cocktails that wow the crowd when perfected,. To get to perfection requires lots of less emotional practise to get the skill available on demand (Disclaimer: some practise practises may vary)

Try being a practise partner to someone who's smart enough not be dangerous but has the humility to think they haven't mastered every option their kink as to offer.
These people prefer an impartial opinion, not pre-enthralled sycophancy. So instead of you having to get dressed up for a symbollically formal meal rich with implication, you can casually slouch around their kitchen all day trying bite-sized samples of their secret recipes that they're dedicating their day to customising and perfecting
[:D]




slaveDaddy -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (8/4/2007 11:46:53 PM)

Part I

I am a survivor of  severe childhood abuse, and used to be called out for wanting SM because of "programmed" behaviors.
I have learned better since those days. I went through intensive therapy in order to work through my deepest issues. Therapy took place over a period of ten years. During the last two years of therapy I did not play at all. My choice. Testing out the "programmed" theory.
I never thought I'd find a Master whom I could serve who would be able to take on all of my f***upidness. But I did.
I was always kinky, and when I didn't or couldn't have at least rough sex, it was really hard to get off. But BDSM is so much more then just rough sex or play.

Part II
Slavery, or service oriented bottoms, and inequal roles are all the rage right now. However, if you do not feel or are not called to be a "slave" or even a service submissive, don't let other people argue you into it. If your goal is to let go and surrender to what I call the Pain/Pleasure ratio, then find that friend, and let it go. Once you can surrender to those sensations, life gets a whole lot freer. And, of course, what other people have suggested, make sure the friend KNOWS what they are getting into.

I still highly recommend therapy, and you can find a kink-friendly therapist. I found one before the NCSF was formed. I was lucky.

Good luck!





MsBearlee -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (8/5/2007 12:01:29 AM)

I would agree with what LuckyAlbatross said...both times.  I love to top, but I am not most people's idea of a Domme; I can be pretty sadistic and love to leave marks and such...but I'm not much into the kind of control that seems to scare you.
 
For some reason 'Service Top' has gotten a bad rap, so many will not put it in a profile.  I would look for people who just like to play; easily, safely;
S L O W L Y.
 
Get involved with groups in your area and meet people.  Believe it or not, making friends is the best way to find PLAY partners...where the play is casual and fun and often times not even sexual (that part depends on how close the friends are!  LOL) 
 
Good luck and thank you for a great topic!
B



KiandPhoenix -> RE: Just play, no control, for abuse survivor? (8/5/2007 1:50:35 AM)

Defiantly start out with a friend that you feel you can trust. Even better if they are a soft Dom/Domme. I have mentioned in a couple posts someone I was doing a couple scenes with recently. She had an abuser as her last experience. Was not a good history to deal with. We negotiated the scene carefully, and she left with an experience that she described as “new and wonderful” it was something she said she had never experienced before.

Abuse fears can be overcome or worked around, but you have to choose someone patient and caring to work with you through it.
~Ki



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