Rumtiger
Posts: 2634
Joined: 3/4/2006
From: Vegas
Status: offline
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So heres the first in a series of stories as promised in the "Tiger the A-Whore" thread. Should be a nice little intro into the more crazy stuff I got..hell this one dident even involve alcahol.
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I'm a solitary fellow most of the time.
I typically find company a burden, either because I feel i'm dragged along in doing things that I hold little intrest in, or even if I should be with anyone completly compliant to my whims, my conscience beats me over the head throughout the entire night making me feel like I'm just dragging a lump of easily coaxed play-dough around whom I feel obligated to be overly courteous to. In short, I typically have no fun with many people.
And then there's Johnny, Joey and Jesse. The only three people whom the above rule does not apply to simply due to the fact we all happen to somehow share the same basic nature.
Johnny and Joey are brothers from Queens who basically fit just about every stereotype you can muster about a guinea from New York, half the time when I see them I expect the smell of meatball subs and shitty wine mixed with about twenty packs of smokes to be surrounding their fat asses everywhere we go.
Jesse is a guy I know from high school in California who I managed to bump into one day. The big thing about Jesse is that while I haven't ever actually seen him take a puff of anything, he always speaks as if he just finished smoking half of Mexico.
This is a short example of a very standard night out with the four of us.
8pm: Johnny drives up in my driveway in his new Charger R/T, upon meeting the guys I realize that the bros have already gotten a few down without me, due to a smell eminating from them that seemed like a mix of fresh asphalt tar and cheap cat food. As for Jesse, you could never get a bead on him, motherfucker is like wallpaper.
"Jesus Christ, you smell like someone took a shit in your mouth"
"She told me she loved me, what would you do?"
It turned out the boys had been getting shitfaced at their house before deciding to come meet me so that we could go and get something to eat, with me as the new driver. As I always wanted to chance to drive the new charger I took the boner inducing chance right away, even if I was just being used as a designated driver. Our first stop due to popular vote was Hooters, as I had never been to a Hooters in my life I decided to finally check the place out, and besides, it would be a good chance to try and get somewhat caught up with the trio hammered wise.
I suppose the idea that the first waitress there would immediately smother me to death in her funbags was a bit unrealistic, but I wasn't terribly impressed. We grabbed a seat and watched as a waitress came to take our order, she had slightly sort hair...that was really the only other physical characteristic I noticed about her seeing as all our eyes where blatantly transfixed a couple degrees South. Before one of us could even think about wings she suddenly puts her little server board and shit under her arm and gave us one of those stupid little huffs that only an annoyed bimbo could give.
"You know, I hope you feel real badass and manly just staring at my tits cause thats the best your ever going to do."
The sheer irony of it all actually stunned me for a moment, was this dumbass actually trying to make us feel bad for looking at her rack in a place called HOOTERS!? Just as I was beginning to take a breath in order to initiate the assault, Jesse beat me to the punch.
"Listen honey, that isn't a fucking business suit your wearing, you have on a tight tank top and shorts that are reaching so far up your ass that I can see your taint with little dingleberries hanging off the hairs. If your excuse for having this damn job is to get through college then I can tell you right now you're too fucking stupid to graduate. So do yourself a favor, drop out and get to work finding old rich motherfuckers to blow while they eat a shitty burger. Now go get me a beer and some pepper on the table."
Even though I wasn't the one who said this, I could tell the girl was even more pissed at me than Jesse, likely due to the fact I was laughing so hard that every other patron and waitress in the place was turning to look at our table and the ensuing scene. With another stupid little huff the girl immediately walked off , whether in order to get our orders or to find someone to toss us out was a mystery.
"Okay, we better get the fuck out of here now man"
"What? fuck you I'm hungry"
"I doubt shes going to bring you your fucking wings fatass, now shutup and lets go before she comes back, last thing I need is an assault charge for stopping a bouncer from using your throat as a fuckhole."
Immediately we got up from our seats, myself making sure to tell the hostess that we decided to go somewhere else to shut her up as we basically sped by and made our way back to the charger, by the time we got in I heard Johnny breathing as if he had just finished pulling a hippo out his ass.
"What the fuck? We only ran like 10 feet you sack of shit!" I said as I started the ignition, already from the corner of my eye I can see the entrance to the restaurant opening up and two figures standing there. Also cursing Johnny for happening to buy a car with a manual transmission, driving stick is not particularly useful when in an escape situation.
"Shutup, I already got an army of shots in me and you expect me to get all active?" Said Johnny as I gunned the engine and immediately sped out of the parking lot and onto the street, luckily there wasn't too much traffic at that hour in the immediate area so I think we managed to egress out of the area without the plate getting written down. As soon as we where a block away, Jesse started up as if nothing had happened.
"So...where do we eat now?"
"your worse than fatboy over here"
"fuck you Dave"
After a while Joey pipes up and suggests Mexican.
"Fuckin-A Del taco man!"
"Fuck that, Taco bell"
"If you don't want me to fucking drive this car out into the Mojave and bury you two shitheads you wont mention that shit again."
"Well fuck, your the beaner motherfucker, why don't you tell us where you keep the secret wetback chow?"
"ass...okay lemme think"
As Joey had previously mentioned, I am a good percentage Hispanic, and as much as I hate moving right into their stereotype, I do know every decent taco shop and stand in town which requires you be bilingual so that you get the good stuff. Its the same thing as being Italian and getting something better than usual cause your paisan. So on we go to a place I know near my house called Robertos, awesome fucking tortas, and as a hallmark of every good Mexican place, a nice big tub of pickled jalapenos,carrots and onions right there for you to enjoy.
We come in and the guys give me their orders so that I could give them to the guy in Spanish before Joey goes off to the lil bathroom there. Now as a Hispanic, it is in my genes to fuck with the gastrointestinal system of every gringo friend I have, tonight Joey would be my prey, so I quickly inform the other two of my plan and I go up and order our stuff from the Mexican behind the cage, for Joey's shredded beef burrito I specifically say "con todo los picante" and smile as a see the cook open up a whole new can of death specifically for my Eastern friend. The meal afterwards should have earned Jesse, Johnny and myself fucking Oscars.
"Shit, this things hot man"
"Shutup pussy"
"Yeah you wanted wings before now your saying your foods too spicy?"
"Maybe we should go next door to rite-aid and buy him a couple tampons"
"take away his coke and give him a douche instead"
"want us to go get you some vagasil Joe?"
We did our best to not break out laughing as we saw our friend suffer, and within minutes we where back on the road trying to figure out what to do next when all of a sudden Joey started bitching.
"ugh...dude I'm kinda hurting"
"shutup bro, don't be a baby"
"no I'm serious man, I'm actually fucking hearing it in my ears and shit"
"you really hurting man?"
"Yeah man.....I think like...we need to go to a hospital or something man I feel really sick"
"A hospital?"
"Yeah"
"its not cyanide its a fucking burrito!"
All this while Jesse whose sitting in the back with Joey is literally banging on the seats and windows laughing his ass off, he got even worse when Joey began shooting off a couple farts followed by a prolonged and sincere "ahhhhhh" which I found out later caused Jesse to laugh so hard that he pissed himself. As we where all becoming hysterical at Joe's plight there was suddenly a sound which none would ever expect a human capable of making. The closest thing I could compare it to would be the sound when you ring out a towel or chamois full of water after you finish washing your car, only about 3 times as loud.
Time...stood...still.
Every sound, the V 8 I drove, the sounds of the street outside, our laughing....everything just...stopped. In the rearview mirror could see Joey's eyes suddenly grow to what seemed twice their original size and his mouth become loose. I like to think none of us wanted to mutter a sound for a moment in some attempt to pretend that what just happened never did...of course, in this group, such moments get spoiled quickly, and we descend into chaos.
"....did he?"
"Y...Y...YOU SHIT IN MY CAR!!!
"sorry I...it just came out!"
"Jesus fuck man!"
"oh God, drive faster godammit we need more air in here!"
"It stinks!"
"fuck!"
"shit!"
"what the fuck is wrong with you man!"
"shit shit shit...okay okay here Jess hold my keys and my wallet and stuff"
"for what?"
"I better take my pants off"
"WHAT? Fuck you! you are not spreading more shit around in my car by doing that!"
"Ohh it stinks dude"
"fuck it, I'm driving to my place man"
"ohh...uhhhh..ugh."
I received no warning about what happened next save for a strange guttural burp coming from behind my seat where Jesse was sitting, suddenly a loud and violent sounding "arrrgh!" came out from him, followed by the sound of liquid pouring into brand new upholstery.
"Oh God"
"what the f- No!...NO! You motherfucker!!!"
"ugh"
"WHY!? GOD FUCKING WHY!?"
"sorry dude"
Dude!"
"ewww man!"
"Johnny shut the fuck up!!"
"fuck you! my car man!"
"I cant fucking drive with all this bullshit man!"
At this point I am booking 85 through a 35mph street, blowing through two stop signs and I think we may have even jumped a couple inches after a small dip. Anything to get back home and out of this stench, as soon as I get to my house I pull into the drive way and just get out with the care still running, trying to get a couple feet of distance between me and the vehicle just so I could breathe again, leaving johnny who was in the front passenger seat to put the parking brake on and turn the car off before he collapsed out fo his side and onto my lawn. As for Joey and Jesse...fuck em, I didn't care about how or if they managed to get out at that point, I just needed to breathe.
A few minutes later we where all on the driveway, Joey naked from the waist down due to removing his clothes and us forcing him to use his dry pants to wipe the rest of the shit from his ass and legs. His full underwear we disposed of by throwing it into a person's yard down the street. it was decided that once someone shits their pants the night is over, I let them sue some paper towels to help clean jesses puke and we finally managed to say goodnight...the last thing I heard from Jesse's open window as they where pulling out was:
"Hey...who pissed on me?"
The End.
< Message edited by Rumtiger -- 7/25/2007 9:52:02 PM >
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Fuck the Pandas!
-Moi
Mmm, I love me some kickboxers, you know why? Cause ya'll cant take a punch!
- Quentin Tarantino.
If they cant take a joke, fuck em.
-Tucker Max
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