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SubDrop? - 7/26/2007 2:46:03 AM   
BDsbabygirl


Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline
My Dom and I are very much in love and committed to each other. At this time, we are not able to marry or even live together, so we can't be together 24/7 and this is where the problem lies. Every time we are together - whether we've 'scened' together or not and no matter how much time we've had together - I suffer the worst depression when we finally must part. And I'm talking on a daily basis here, not just weekly or monthly or other times mentioned under the subdrop topics. Most of the time, it's manageable, but sometimes! Sometimes, it's like it is tonight - pretty much unbearable. When I'm like this, it's all I can do to keep the tears at bay and try to function as a normal person.
 
This does sound like subdrop to me, but the thing is that it occurs whether we've scened or not; even if we've only spent an hour together, just talking. Like tonight - he stopped by after work and, unlike most nights where we spend about 2 hours together, he only stayed for about a half hour, a half hour during which we just talked. As he pulled out the driveway, I ran back into the house, tears streaming down my face. I admit, I'd gone into our meeting sad since I knew we wouldn't have the normal amount of time together so, from my standpoint, the whole meeting was miserable -- nothing akin to or conducive to subspace (which I have yet to experience) or an adrenaline or endomorphine rush happening. So, to me, this seems like something else; how can I 'drop' when I'm already low?...in fact, I even experience these emotions after work; we work different shifts so I only see him for about 10 minutes before I leave. And then I feel these emotions!
 
Two more interesting points -- (1) I rarely experience this when we scene. Like I said, I don't experience subspace {haven't even orgasmed with him yet!} but I do enjoy our time together, so it seems to me like this would be a more likely, not less, time to experience these feelings.
(2) These feelings seem exactly the same as the ones I experienced as a young child when my favorite cousins would visit and then leave after a day or two; there was certainly no subspace or chemical releasing going on then.
 
I really need some advice, for I'm afraid of destroying our relationship. in fact, tonight, I know I did damage because I wasn't myself and Big Daddy noticed. He asked why and I explained that since the pain is so terrible when we part, I was purposefully keeping him at an arm's length...I likened it to falling out of a plane - the higher you are, the worse it hurts when you crash and since being with him is like being in a plane, I had to protect myself by staying close to the ground. As you can imagine, that didn't go over so well. He did console and reassure me but it didn't help...Now - even worse! - I'm seriously considering ignoring some of his calls and visits (I've already asked him not to visit if it's just for a little while; I said having him like that is like having one Lay's potato chip - just a tease and it's better to do without any than be tortured with just a smidgen. And for the record, since our out-of-bed relationship is mostly 'vanilla', it was okay for me to make that request; it wasn't disrespectful or out-of-line, I mean) so as to get used to the feeling of being Daddy-deprived, thereby making it easier [I hope] on myself.
 
I know my Dom is knowledgeable about most BDSM but he doesn't seem to think it's subdrop or he'd've said so and advised me on how to manage it when he's not available.
 
Finally - I've never had a problem with depression or insecurities/anxiety, so I'm pretty sure it's not just an exaggeration of either of these...nor have I ever suffered from any bipolar disorder.
 
Please, can anyone offer me some advice? I feel like I'm gonna go out of my mind!  ... And please don't just say that it sounds like the infatuation that occurs at the beginning of a new relationship (we've now been best friends for nearly 5 months, lovers for nearly 2 months, and BDSM lovers for about 6 weeks)...
hip (we've now been best friends for nearly 5 months, lovers for nearly 2 months, and BDSM lovers for about 6 weeks)...

_____________________________

~ Captured by My Dominance, enslaved by My love ~ -- Big Daddy
Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

Into scat play? Boycott shampoo; demand the real poo!
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RE: SubDrop? - 7/26/2007 3:01:35 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Baby - to me it sounds like you are suffering sadness at not being with him.  I am not a professional, nor can I diagnose (as none of us can) with not seeing or meeting you - but it doesn't sound like drop to me (not all the time anyway).  I wouldn't say it is 'infatuation' persay, but you simply want him around and crave time with him.
 
It is incredibly hard.  You want to be close and be with someone when they are there, but the part where they leave is always in the back of your mind and sometimes you can just 'spoil' the moments you are together on purpose, simply because it helps when they do go.  The better the meeting is, the worse it is when you part. So it is almost like a self destruct that occurs to 'protect' yourself from the hurt that is going to come.
 
My suggestion is how about filling the space between with positive goals?  Learn things and do things that will enhance your relationship and yourself personally?  Take up a hobby and learn - it might sound mundane and a bit crass a suggestion - but choose something that you can take show to him and he can take pride in, as well as bettering yourself?  Start painting and paint him, take specialist cookery classes of your and his favourite cuisine, wine classes, photography, car mechanics... something that will fill the times between and improve the quality of your own life which you can then pass onto him in your submission.  Even tantric classes can aid you.  Meditation, massage - anything like that?
 
Peace
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)
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RE: SubDrop? - 7/26/2007 3:05:03 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		It's called being in love.  This has nothing to do with bdsm (in my opinion).  You love him and miss him when he's not there.  Happens all the time when you love someone and want to be with him.

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)
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RE: SubDrop? - 7/26/2007 3:13:24 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		umm not that its any of my business per se, but if you want a more informed response, you're probably going to have to tell us the reason you can't be together 24/7, its obviously not a distance thing....but you followed that sentence up with "this is where the problem lies"...
personally if what i am doing doesn't give me anything positive in the end, i stop doing it...

good luck
chelle

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: SubDrop? - 7/26/2007 3:22:36 AM   
BDsbabygirl


Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline 		That's what I was afraid of...WOW! I've twice been married and have had numerous boyfriends (no Doms, he's my first) but have never experienced anything like this...
 
Y'know, once upon a time, I was addicted to the rush one gets when first falling in love, thinking that it would be boring once that part is over and a couple settles down into love of a different variety, to the point of cheating on whoever I was with just so I could get that rush with someone...now I'm actually praying for that time to come so I can have some relief! *LOL*
 
If just love is like this, I cannot imagine how I'll be when I do experience subspace and the resulting supdrop (with this love combined); I know for a fact that Daddy wants to take me there. Sounded exciting, now just sounds terrifying...
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the.Dark (is that how I should address you?), thanks for the advice. When I first read it, though, I thought "how am I gonna manage that with three teenagers (15, 14, and 13) to keep up with and chauffeur and a household to run?" but then it occurred to me that if I have time to be depressed, I must have time for a hobby...I have always been interested in pottery.

_____________________________

~ Captured by My Dominance, enslaved by My love ~ -- Big Daddy
Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

Into scat play? Boycott shampoo; demand the real poo!

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: SubDrop? - 7/26/2007 3:28:59 AM   
BDsbabygirl


Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline 		chellekitty, we can't be together 24/7 because I'm still going through a divorce with my husband (he doesn't live w/me; he was in jail until Monday and now there's a "No Contact" order against him...still...)

_____________________________

~ Captured by My Dominance, enslaved by My love ~ -- Big Daddy
Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

Into scat play? Boycott shampoo; demand the real poo!

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: SubDrop? - 7/26/2007 3:37:54 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Hiya Baby -
Just .dark. is fine...  
 
I have two teens (one almost 13 and the other nearly 15) - so I understand the whole 'how do I find the time' scenario - but it is important you make time for yourself.  If a set programme doesn't fit in with your scedual, you can always try and make one your own and 'teach yourself' using the net and gathering friends up.  I have even learnt with the children - my son wants to be a chef so we learn together for example.  I find that Darcy is a complete muse to me when I am painting or taking photographs and he is a huge inspiration and it's a perfect way for me to channel my desires and thoughts.  You could take a writing course or start a blog - and massage classes rock if you have a friend to go with.
 
Peace
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: SubDrop? - 7/26/2007 7:17:21 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		How long has this pattern been going on?

The good news is that every time it happens- it stops.  I know it can be hard when you are IN the experience of it, but try and hold onto the knowledge that it DOES end and things WILL be ok.  Part of it is probably that you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel yet- there's no plans to move forward so you feel stagnant.

Don't go the avoidance route, I've never seen that help.  You can work on the processing though- before you can prepare yourself, and afterwards utilize those preparations.  What about friends?  Can you go visit them and help be distracted?  You don't need to forget the pain, you simply have to let it have its place and not let it take over.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: SubDrop? - 7/26/2007 8:32:31 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I go through similar drops, although he and I are 2 hours away and he tends to be distant for a few days following a visit, which is very difficult for me. 

The LAST thing I'd recommend is withdrawing.  Withdrawing is a sure-fired way to absolutely damage the relationship and is, whether you believe it or not, totally manipulative.  "If you don't give me what I want, I'm turning away from you."  Yes that sounds cold but it is often the real underlying reason.

Focus on the positive stuff.  Be grateful you DO see him for that half hour.  Be grateful he gives you what he does.  Think of the big picture, and how happy you are with him overall, and how he does care for you, and remind yourself this is just a temporary state, which blinds you from the overall joy you do feel in belonging to him.

As for whether it is drop, sadness, depression, angst, whatever - it is horrible, no matter what anyone wants to call it.  I call it "drop" simply because my happiness drops for that period of time, and it takes a lot of effort to remain steady or bring it back.  For me, the lack of contact after a visit is what is most difficult.  From your post, it sounds as if you have contact from him, so soak it in, girl!  Relish in it, and as I have learned, focus on how great the time is when you're together, rather than how awful it is when you're apart.  You have a choice in this, on where you spend your energy.  But withdrawing is a guaranteed destruction, every time.

It is a relatively new relationship, so now is the time to create the foundation together that will carry you through the difficulties.  Talk to him about this, bite your tongue when you feel snappy, and know that those sad days do pass, but sometimes the damage we do while in them doesn't pass quite so quickly.  Also, remember he is also human, and like every human, is limited in what he can give in return.  I learned that serving my Master also means recognizing this, and to cease laying my "demands" on him every time I'm feeling down.  Part of what he expects from me is to buck up and be strong for him, and to recognize that he also needs his space to process things, too.  When I focus on giving him what he wants, versus pouting about what I want (and yes, in my case I was pouting), the gap between visits is easier to manage.

But I do feel for you.  The hardest part of my slavery to my Master is that time after a visit.  And I've nearly destroyed our relationship because of my behavior during those days.  I urge you to rethink your position of withdrawing before you destroy yours.

I wish you the best here.  I know it is difficult.  If you see him daily, even for 10 minutes, you have me beat by miles :)

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
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