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In Need of Advice - 7/27/2007 9:57:49 PM

SlaveMusician

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/7/2005
From: Boston, MA
Status: offline

I am in desperate need of advice regarding my relationship, and as this is the only place I know where people will understand the relationship I am currently in, I am asking anyone here for help. I have come to a crossroads in my two year relationship with my Mistress, and cannot decide which path to take - which desire to follow, and which to abandon.

When I first started my journey with my Mistress, these desires were on the same path. I was completely in love with her, and this love was reciprocated equally from her. I was a virgin in every sense of the word, and had never been in any relationship (let alone a bdsm relationship), and she broke me open and built me into what I have become. Everything was perfect, and our relationship was all I have ever dreamed of.

However, much has changed over these two years, and she no longer feels remotely the same way towards me. I have made many decisions I have regretted, and am as much if not more responsible for her feelings towards me as she is. However, regardless of the fault, we are in an extremely dysfunctional relationship. She finds me repulsive on many levels, and their is nothing approximating romance involved between us.

So I find I must choose one of two paths. On the one hand, I have the opportunity to find someone who will love me as I love them, who will see all I have to offer and accept it, who will not find me repulsive, but will appreciate me. Who I may someday have a family with.

And the other path is to continue being with my Mistress, who I love more than anything in the world. My Mistress, who has built me from the nothingness I once was, and made me into what I am today. Who I have given myself to completely. To be her slave, to submit to her totally - and in doing so, give up my hopes and dreams of family, devotion, and appreciation. There is always the chance that these things may someday return to our relationship, but if I continue to hold to them I cannot be the slave she wants me to be. To hold onto desires that are in conflict with my situation as a slave will break my slavery, and in doing so our relationship will continue being as dysfunctional as it currently is.

I do not know what to do here - I must make a choice of which path to follow, of which ambition to hold as my sole purpose in life. Please, if anyone can give me advice, I need it badly.

Post #: 1

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/27/2007 10:05:13 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Hi musician,

I know this is going to sound a little tough to swallow, if not impossible. You're not nothing. Believing you are nothing, is probably a huge part of why your relationship is faultering. Depending on her, to make you into 'something' will leave you inable to make yourself into something, and keep you from having the best woman, family, and life that you.

It isn't a question of fault, it's a question of confidence in your own self-worth.

Good luck,

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to SlaveMusician)

Post #: 2

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/27/2007 10:11:20 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

In reading your post I sense that you already know your answer. It is a very difficult decision to make and honestly, you are the only one who can make it. I will say this, my life has taught me that generally when one devotes themself to something that does not fulfill them they ultimately end up with many regrets. It has also taught me that you can cling to the hopes of what once was and wish for it to once again be....but it likely will never return to "the way it was". The acceptance of that is sometimes a very bitter pill to swallow.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 7/27/2007 10:12:49 PM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to SlaveMusician)

Post #: 3

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/27/2007 10:26:47 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I know it can feel very difficult to literally "withdraw" from someone you love, but who you know is either bad for you, or with whom the relationship is "going nowhere", even if I am not in your exact situation. My heart goes out to you.

Before I got married, for three years I dated (and lived with) a man 16 years my senior. He informed me on our second date that he'd never re-marry - anyone. He said he'd been married once, and he asked me not to take it personally, but told me he never wanted to get married again.

Of course after he said that, I got romantically involved with him in a deep way, and moved into his house.

On a gut-level, I knew the relationship wasn't going to work in the long-term, but I thought that he was perfect in almost every way, and I truly loved him. Except for the fact that at the time, I wanted two major things out of life which he had no interest in at all - marriage and children, our relationship was wonderful.

I kept telling myself it "wasn't that bad" or things like: "This can work", etc. He never lied to me about how he felt about marriage or kids - occasionally, he would mention to me that he had not changed his mind about marriage, even though it was nothing personal against me, etc. I wasn't in "listening mode" - mostly I think, because I was afraid to be alone.

To get myself out of that relationship, I had to physically move out of his house, (after having a terrible argument with him about his "lack of committment" to me), for a total of 3 times before I actually extracted myself permanently from that relationship.

I did do it (leave), though - because I wanted to marry and (I thought at the time) have a family. And I knew he'd never give me that, even though he was a great guy in almost every other way. I was really in love with this person.

I know because you're a lesbian, this all might sound like it doesn't apply to you - but - I think there are equally serious circumstances that can occur in same sex relationships. **Think of any major life goals you won't reach if you stay with your current Mistress, and think about whether you are really, truly willing to give them up in the long-term, just to stay with her. Especially if she isn't treating you as well as she could. It might give you pause.

*I also have found making a list of reasons to leave and ways your needs are not being met in the relationship, and taping it to a mirror (or someplace you can see it, but she can't), and reading it every day can help. It helped me, anyway.

I am hesitant to reveal too much here, but what really helped me end that relationship was when I accidentally (it was an accident, I truly did not intend it) got pregnant and he wanted me to have an abortion, which I did. His attitude about my pregnancy pretty much proved to me that he didn't feel about me the same way I felt about him. It was (even though I went through with it) a pretty difficult decision, which I really regret to this very day. This exact thing may, of course, not happen in your relationship, but something equally dire might happen eventually, given enough time.

But anyway, my point is this:

If you think your relationship is "dysfunctional" and you're thinking things "can't get worse" - don't bet on it. I think things really can always get worse. But - why wait for things to get worse?

It was really, really hard to break up with him. But eventually I did it. Moving out of the house you share (if you live together, which it sounds like you do) might be a good start. But I don't really know enough about your relationship to really advise in detail. But I do wish you luck. I know it sounds very difficult. Good luck, dear. Hang in there.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/27/2007 10:58:08 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 4

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/27/2007 10:39:27 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

As Stephann said, you were not ever and are not now "nothing". My gut tells me that over the time you have spent with this woman learning to be her slave, she has ingrained in you that she has made you everything you are today and were nothing before her. I base this on you statement that you had never been in a relationship before and were more than likely naive at the time.

As mistoferin has said, you already know the right decision. You have every right to want and expect happiness in this life. This relationship is no longer working. You might try counseling, but from your desciption, it doesn't sound like your mistress would agree. Not all relationships work forever, sadly, and as the saying goes, you might have to kiss a lot of frogs.

If/when you decide you are ready to move on, take some time to be on your own. Learn about yourself, learn to take care of yourself and YOUR needs. When you realize that you are not nothing and have a lot to offer to anyone, begin looking for what makes you happy.

Good luck.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 5

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/27/2007 10:58:44 PM

greeneyes1962

Posts: 117
Joined: 9/7/2005
Status: offline

The one most important thing I've learned on my journey through life is to be true to who you are. In that I've finally found happiness.

You need to decide your own course based on what will make you most fulfilled in
life.

(in reply to SlaveMusician)

Post #: 6

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/27/2007 11:03:49 PM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

After reading your post and your profile/journal it appears you built up in your heart and mind that you would submit for eternity to this woman because, well, that's what a good obediant slave does. While I applaud your tenacity for "doing the right thing" this is no longer the right thing if neither of you are happy. I don't understand why, if she is repulsed by you, she hasn't released you. Why is she holding on to you if she isn't happy with you? For the services you provide?

I just this week, released my slave because I could see in his eyes that something was amiss and the circumstances were not right for our situation. I love him. He loves me. It was the hardest thing both he and I have ever had to do. But we did it because it was right. One of us unhappy would eventually equal two of us unhappy...and in my family that would then wind up being 5 since I was already a family of 4.

I hurt beyond my capability to believe I could hurt. Though I know it was the right thing to do. You seem to know the right thing, too (as others have said). I lived that knowing the right thing and doing the right thing are two different animals and it is hard. It is hard as hell to do the right thing. Each and every day I woke this week I had wished I had him here. But I know it is wrong. Letting him go was the single most miserable thing I've ever done as a dominant but it was right. You need to gather your energy and with everything you know inside you to be right...do the right thing.

You will be miserable at first, you will hate yourself for letting go, you will wish you had it all back, even the negative aspects...but it will be right and eventually you will feel ok again.

As for you being nothing, as others have said...you must realize that you as a person have value. You will move past this part of your life and will continue to be a productive, useful, fullfilling and fulfilled individual. You are deserving of care, love, affection, and mutual fulfillment. You deserve a chance to be happy and well rounded. You deserve to live life.

Email me on the otherside if you'd like to talk...I truly know the pain you feel right now.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 7

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/27/2007 11:05:02 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

The thing that strikes me about the OP's situation is really the un-fairness of it. If this is his very first relationship - with anyone, and it is this unsatisfactory for him - then I think he is being unfair to himself by staying there, long-term (and that it is unfair for his Mistress to expect him to do that, if she does). I mean, there are so many other people he could meet instead, with whom things might be better.

To the OP: You have your whole life ahead of you. Try to extract yourself from this relationship - for your own good. Maybe it will take awhile to get out of the relationship, but so what? Just try to work on leaving. Give yourself a "deadline" for leaving, maybe a few weeks or months from now. Nobody's perfect. But I think you would really be doing yourself a dis-service to stay in it long-term, sounds like to me *and my sincerest, deepest apology for my past confusion re: gender. Believe it or not, it was an honest mistake)...

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/27/2007 11:45:18 PM >

(in reply to greeneyes1962)

Post #: 8

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/27/2007 11:26:13 PM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I know because you're a lesbian, this all might sound like it doesn't apply to you - but - I think there are equally serious circumstances that can occur in same sex relationships. **Think of any major life goals you won't reach if you stay with your current Mistress, and think about whether you are really, truly willing to give them up in the long-term, just to stay with her. Especially if she isn't treating you as well as she could. It might give you pause.

- Susan

Susan

I am confused. Were you writing this to the OP? If so I am not sure where the lesbian part comes into things as the OP is male.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 9

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/27/2007 11:40:56 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Oh, OOps. Big fat Oops. I am so embarrrassed for myself. I really, tuly am. I apologize - from the bottom of my heart. That is what I deserve for not reading his profile. I am truly sorry, OP.

Wow. Oh,wow. How stoopid of me! I am sorry. I truly hope the OP can forgive me. I guess all I saw was long hair (it's great hair, btw). My mistake. Thanks to susie for pointing it out (really).

Otherwise, I would have maybe gone on for pages like that (acting like an idiot). I am really sorry. Oops. It was an honest mistake (really). Please, OP - I pray you are not injured and-or insulted. It was not intentional on my part - at all.

I truly wish you best of luck with your situation, because you do deserve a happy life for yoruself. I hope you find it, I really do. (struggles to take foot out of my mouth...shuffles off).

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/27/2007 11:56:42 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 10

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/27/2007 11:58:26 PM

SlaveMusician

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/7/2005
From: Boston, MA
Status: offline

After I wrote this post I sat down for a long time and thought about what I'd written. We were in the middle of a pretty major argument and I feel like I've definitely spoken rashly.

I was very upset at the time. I know she doesn't feel like I am repulsive.. And I know that a lot of what I've done to our relationship has caused ill will toward her (I didn't mention in my OP that I had recently confessed to lying to her about something we both know is sacred for over a year.) But in the middle of the argument I felt like she must hate me.

I am also aware that I'm not "nothing". She's never implied that she made me something or anything at all like that. I do have self esteem issues, but she's honestly always supported me, believed in me, and tried to help me love myself. Sometimes when I get depressed, I just get really down about myself, my relationship, everything.

I don't really think there are two paths and all that. I don't know if we're ever going to be able to fully heal from the things that I've done (like lying to her for a year, and doing some really low and manipulative things in our past) but I definitely misrepresented the details of our relationship. I just wasn't thinking clearly in the moment.

I'm really appreciative of everyone's replies. I just wish I hadn't posted to rashly. Its worse than drunk dialing! Anyway the posts had a lot of insight in them. I'd particularly like to thank Stephen. He's right on the money. My Mistress frequently tells me that to accept love, and to give love, I have to love myself, and only I can do that for myself. That is something I'll be working on in the future. Thanks everyone, again.

(in reply to SlaveMusician)

Post #: 11

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 12:01:09 AM

SlaveMusician

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/7/2005
From: Boston, MA
Status: offline

Susan,

Its totally okay. I knew that you'd assumed it. I get that a lot in public. Don't feel embarrassed at all...!!! Your kind, empathetic words really touched me. Thank you so much for sharing, and please know I wasn't offended!!

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 12

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 12:13:54 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

SlaveMusician: Well, I am glad you were not offended. And I truly wish you the bst of luck in the future. I usually do read profiles. I am almost a a junkie, as far as reading people's profiles. I am not sure why I didn't this time - I am just tired, and it's kinda late for me to be up, I guess, maybe . But anyway, I am glad you're not mad at me. Good luck in the future.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to SlaveMusician)

Post #: 13

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 6:05:48 AM

MasterMataeo

Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline

only you can make that choice,, take the time and think it over about what is most important to you,,

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 14

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 6:24:46 AM

NakedGirlScout

Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline

I really feel for you, I had a relationship that I was still deeply involved in go bad from my partner's side. It was extremely painful and took months to pull out of.

My question would be why your Mistress, or ex-Mistress, has decided not to let you leave if she feels the way you say she does about you. If she's in charge, she should take a major role in making the decision with you, not leaving it as yours alone. This is something that would be best talked over together... if she still respects you enough to have serious conversations like this. If she does not feel able to talk about it, then I don't see what choice you have, you can't continue to live with someone who neither likes you nor communicates with you.

(in reply to SlaveMusician)

Post #: 15

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 6:26:38 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

sm, this advice is done to death ... but maybe you would benefit from professional therapy to assist you with your issues of self-esteem and dishonesty. I wish you well in your journey.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to MasterMataeo)

Post #: 16

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 6:48:55 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

Ok Dude,  I'm gonna share a few things here. Yes, I'm a male Dom.. however I had a wonderful relationship with a Domme before, as a Dom couple.

Now you are in a M/s situation.  Mistress/slave relationship... from the sounds of reading your post. You are really more of a submissive at heart and not a true power exchange slave. Why do I say this? Because you have dreams and aspirations outside of being a slave.

A slaves focus is upon pleasing their Mistress/Master... at least for Total Power Exchange.    Now PPE (partial power exchange) relationships, more what I call D/s and not M/s relationships... you still get to have your dreams and aspirations fillfulled..

Now, you seem pretty smart. You love music? What if your mistress one day commands you to stop playing music? would you do it? Chances are you'd have an issue with this.. but she probally loves your music right? enjoys hearing you play.

Now, some Mistresses in TPE may want the same things or have the same aspirations as you do.   If you enjoy the Power Exchange Levels and still want to hold onto having your dreams come true.. you might need to find another mistress that wants the same things.   Sounds like your current mistress changed her mind and direction. No fault on your part.   However, BDSM relationships are still relationships non the less...

Slave and Mistresses break up and form new relationships with others everyday. The world keeps on going.

All BDMS are based on two people filling mutal needs, wants and desires. Any experienced Mistress, Master, sub, slave, switch knows this well.   Yes, use Domly types even know it's important to meet the needs of our subs/slaves!   Simple things such as spanking ass.. or play time!   Face it, us Dom personalities are doing something you are wanting and expecting from us? LOL..

In short, in any relationship.. we are accountable to one another and seeing that our fantasies, wants, and desires are brought to life.   We are also responsible for ourselves as well.    Any sub/slave that does not act responsible expects to be punished right? Anyways, dude.... you are young.   You are a good looking guy and probally very talented.   There are plenty of Dommes and mistresses that would Love to have you..    I'm certain somebody will be willing to give you a family and be on top of everything...

(in reply to SlaveMusician)

Post #: 17

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 6:59:33 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Slaves can't have dreams or aspirations now?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 18

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 7:12:32 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Musician,

You are young, congratulations on fucking up your first relationship. You are going to fuck up a few more as you learn that telling the truth might mean ending the relationships but if it can't withstand truth, it isn't a relationship. You have to grow and some damage cannot be repaired, some words cannot be taken back, some relationships end.

There are women in MY past who could have made me very very happy if I had had the skills on my end to make them work. You often only learn those skills the hard way as you are finding out now.

Oh, and don't listen to the bullshit about whether or not you are a slave, just be a better person and none of that crap will matter.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 19

RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 7:18:09 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
Slaves can't have dreams or aspirations now?

Some do not, some do. It all depends upon the people involved. TPE generally is regarded to the level of the slave giving up having Dreams and aspirations save as the Mistress/Master wants or desires. This is why I wrote about TPE in my post.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 20

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