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As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his request.... - 7/28/2007 11:57:11 AM   
SayaNereida


Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline 		I am in a fairly new (about 3 months as D/s) relationship.  I am submissive, he identifies with Dominant, but states that every once in a while he would like the opportunity to be submissive to me.  
 
We have switched roles once, with me as ‘dominant’ and while he never called for things to stop, in discussing it after the fact he stated that there were a few strikes that were close to being too heavy and I did not give a ‘proper’ build up (as he has done for me and expected); as well as a few misaimed strokes do to inexperience, bad set up etc. these are things easily corrected; as now I know what he wants/prefers.
 
My problem is this, I am not particularly comfortable as ‘dominant’ but very much would like to give him what he asks; we have the possibility for the next week of ‘playing’ freely; no one else will be home all week (so other than work we can spend time as we choose).  He gets so very little time to do as he wishes most of the time (kids, work, chores, and life in general), that I was hoping to make this a week that he could do/be/have as he wishes. 
 
Last night he stated that he wishes that one of the days I ‘dominate’ him ,and that he would be willing to do all/anything I asked; with an impish smile said, ‘I’d also like an a** beating besides all the chores and ‘easy stuff’(massages, shaving, etc.)  that just went through your head’.  He knows me so wellJ.   
 
 I can do the sensual side (touching, kissing, ice, teasing, even use the little rubber ‘cat-o-nine tails thing, goddess I wish I knew what this thing is called), in fact I enjoy that a great deal; it’s the rougher play I seem to have a block on.
 
Now I have suggested that he consider ‘Topping from the bottom’ and while he agreed to consider it, his reaction and few words (if that makes you more comfortable we can try, I was just hoping to be able to be ‘lost’ in the moment like you, it looks and from my side feels amazing) said that he would prefer not to do it this way.  As the sub I understand, I don’t want to have to tell him what to do to me, for me it detracts from the mood. 
 
My question is this, as a sub is there anything you can say/do to/for yourself to put you in the mind set to be ‘dominant’?
 
He and I have talked quite a bit, he says ‘If you are uncomfortable with it, we don’t have to do it’, which gives me all the more reason to want to try and I will do it,  for him, and myself as well.
 
I would appreciate any suggestions and thank you.

_____________________________

Anais Nin: Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. ...

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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/28/2007 12:02:43 PM   
SayaNereida


Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline 		Darn, just went over to 'ask a switch' and saw similar post.  Sorry for the 'double up'. 
 
I didn't ask in 'ask a switch' because I was hoping for sub/slave perspective. 
 
Not that a switch wouldn't have great advice, I was just seeking those with similar mind set...if that makes sense.

(in reply to SayaNereida)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/28/2007 12:11:47 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		yes i have topped from the bottom with another dom and discovered he was more submissive than dom from the way he enjoyed the  abuse i was giving him (i have one sadistic mind) ...after a couple of times, i turned him into my pet.

however  i would never play this way with Daddy


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(in reply to SayaNereida)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/28/2007 12:30:31 PM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I wish i could give you the advice but i am not sure how much help you would get on this bpard.  I would never even thing of doing this with Master.  Are you sure he is a Dom he sounds more like a switch to me? If it really make you uncomfortable then you should not do it.  Topping from the bottom is a good idea.  Good luck.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/28/2007 12:52:03 PM   
SnugasaBug


Posts: 49
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline 		Interesting. There is a current song on the radio..."Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.... and more...."  lol

Long story short. You have four choices:  You don't do it.
                                                               He tops from the bottom while in play.
                                                               He critiques you afterwards, or my fav,
                                                               You just Top him and he doesn't critique, and he treats it as he is accepting of your skills. Period. You know...submit. Go slow, learn as you go, and keep abreast of how he is doing. Use the yellow, red safe words. (aaahh to be a fly on the wall) he he
If you go with #2 or #3, the next few times might be a little on the technical/directional side, it's probably just a choice of when it is going to happen. Somebody has to make the decision, of when it happens.  But if it was me, I would go with #4.

There are many well established real time couples that will do this. Sometimes its therapeutic, (Topping) sometimes its for variety(Switch). Whatever, don't let anyone poo poo your life. It's all service.

Snug

(in reply to SayaNereida)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/28/2007 3:12:31 PM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline 		I posted the same question in the Switch forum...  I posted there because to fulfil the fantasy for my friend means I have to switch. (I am submissive, my friend has been topping for me, but now wants me to do some topping but no rough play).

I'm really hoping for ideas on how to make the event special for my friend.  I am trying to figure out how to bring the same intensity and "sizzle" to the experience that she gives me.

(in reply to SayaNereida)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/28/2007 5:46:50 PM   
kossack


Posts: 82
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline 		I did it for my ex a couple of times.  A couple of things:

I really tried to consider it a service that pleased him.  There is no way that I think I would end up pushing him hard--but I tried to sort of go through it intellectually and figure out what he wanted based on expressions.

Blindfold him.  that way, you don't have to worry about your facial expressions.

Ask him what is his favorite nasty story with a male submissive is--that should give you some ideas as to what he might like.

HAVE FUN!

(in reply to Drifa)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/28/2007 6:58:24 PM   
Lillith1


Posts: 13
Joined: 6/2/2006
Status: offline 		my Master has also asked me to top Him ocassionally, but never in such a way that He was submissive to me. He just really likes pain. i have dominated other men and really, really liked it but it is very difficult for me to inflict pain on Him. Aside from lacking the technical skills with O/our toys, i generally worry that i will slip into a dominant mindset and thus do damage to O/our D/s dynamic. That being said, it is being of service if your Master is asking you to dominate Him and He should be pleased with your efforts to serve Him in the best manner possible. When you do dominate Him, try to keep in mind that you are doing as He asks and being a good girl. Brush up on your technical skills as that will increase your comfort level. There are many workshops offered at private clubs, some high-end sex toy shops, and etc that will teach you these skills. Have fun with it! Discuss your concerns/reservations with Him beforehand (such as worry about His critiques after you play) as good communication can only enhance the relationship. i definitely agree that blindfolding Him will help so you won't have to worry about what He is seeing as you play. Good luck, i hope this was helpful. you are not in an uncommon situation, many submissives have gone through this with their Masters, and you'll get through it just fine.

~ puppet

(in reply to kossack)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/28/2007 7:29:08 PM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I have Topped my Master on several occasions. I Domme others, but Top him. I find it a lot easier to manage the switch in mindset that way. So I don't really suggest that you think of it as Dom'ing. Think of it as Topping to please your Master, and do it in a way that you know will please him. That's a head space that's easy to get into. We get so hung up on all this stuff, but once we've figured out what works for us, the labels can go out the window. Just have fun and enjoy, that's what it's all about.
;))
LH

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(in reply to Lillith1)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/28/2007 10:10:37 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		Years ago, I had a sub who confided he dominated a few times in his life but he didn't like to do it.  I do love to bottom on occassion so I gave him an idea of what I liked then said "dominate me".  He stayed within my parameters that we had already discussed and it was a ton of fun.  Partly because I knew he was doing it simply because of me, not because he was loving it.  He loved serving me in anyway I chose.  Back then I was single and it revolved around intercourse....hair pulling, spanking, etc.  I was a happy girl.


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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/28/2007 11:23:22 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SayaNereida
Darn, just went over to 'ask a switch' and saw similar post.  Sorry for the 'double up'. 

I didn't ask in 'ask a switch' because I was hoping for sub/slave perspective. 

Not that a switch wouldn't have great advice, I was just seeking those with similar mind set...if that makes sense.

Just remember that a Ds switch IS a submissive...who happens to also be a dom.

I'd say you guys need to sit down and really talk about how you want things to go long term.  You can learn to top him and have fun with it over time, but does he want that?  Or does he really want someone he can switch with on a Ds level on a regular basis?  I'd say get a handle on what exactly he feels he wants this to be before moving further.

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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SayaNereida)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/29/2007 12:11:31 AM   
twistedkytten


Posts: 240
Joined: 9/8/2006
Status: offline 		i would, for my Owner if He asked it of me, as it would be in service to Him. however, not that He would ever even suggest it, but the though of being dominant in any way to Him would not ever happen... i couldn't do it.
i have been known to be dominant to females during relationships but only because someone had to. it is not a skin i enjoy wearing.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/29/2007 6:41:57 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		ewwww that is too extreme for Me and any sub that tries that gets sent on his way--guess that is a hard limit for Me.

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SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/29/2007 9:20:42 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		i don't switch.  i don't top.  i don't do either under direct orders and/or otherwise because i'm not wired for it, plain and simple, and there's nothing in the world that would put me in the proper mind-set to do so.

(in reply to MHOO314)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/29/2007 9:57:29 AM   
SayaNereida


Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks to everyone, your replies are greatly appreciated.
Our week starts Tuesday the 31st. 
 
‘You just Top him and he doesn't critique, and he treats it as he is accepting of your skills. Period.’
Snug, when I spoke of the critique he gave of the first time, I asked for it.  I’m a firm believer in ‘Monday morning quarter backing’.  We have talked and continue to talk following all of our intimate time; vanilla or bdsm.  It’s something we both automatically did from the beginning.  Even if it’s just to say, ‘how did you enjoy that?’  If we are trying something new, as we are now, the question is more involved, as is the conversation that follows.  Besides, I never took it as a critique; I took it as information for the future.
 
kossak, thank you for this suggestion, “Blindfold him.  That way, you don't have to worry about your facial expressions.” I believe that will be very helpful.  I don’t keep my emotions off my face as well as I once did; not to mention he reads me like a book.
 
Puppet, thank you, the advice and hearing your experience was helpful and your words encouraging.
 
LH, “We get so hung up on all this stuff, but once we've figured out what works for us, the labels can go out the window. Just have fun and enjoy, that's what it's all about.”  By knowing the definitions not only do we know what we are and are not, we learn in most cases they don’t even apply; but we have to start some where.  We can’t wait to be able to toss them all out and just be.  Thank you.
 
earthycouple, thank you.  I do believe he is hoping I’ll learn to enjoy it enough to have it happen more often.
 
LA, I do know ‘Just remember that a Ds switch IS a submissive...who happens to also be a dom.’   I believed it more likely one that identifies as submissive would be less comfortable than a switch topping, and was hoping that in all the advice, some would come from those that could relate to my not being comfortable topping but did; and how they managed.  I am grateful for all advice, stories and experiences shared; no such thing as too much information.
 
We have been friends for 4 years, house mates for 3 years, lovers for a year and a half and began exploring bdsm together 3 months ago.  We always have talked a lot, he knows of my feelings and concerns; all of them, I don’t hold back.  We have discussed switching, that’s why he asks this of me, I’m the one he trust to explore this with right now.  I’ve explained that, while I understand that, he needs to remember my ‘lack of enthusiasm for the role’ may detract from the experience and give him a false idea.  He said that he understands that, but he has to start somewhere.
 
I do believe this will be a very enjoyable and educational week for both of us.
Thanks again everyone.

_____________________________

Anais Nin: Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. ...


(in reply to daddysliloneds)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/29/2007 10:01:21 AM   
xolarkinxo


Posts: 73
Joined: 9/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

My question is this, as a sub is there anything you can say/do to/for yourself to put you in the mind set to be ‘dominant’? 
 
I am submissive only and there is nothing that I could do or say to myself that would put me in the mind set to be dominant.  Topping, domming,etc are hard limits for me within my relationship with Tacs.  Some of the suggestions on here may be helpful; however, you probably will need to also address this:
quote:

I am not particularly comfortable as ‘dominant’
  Ask yourself why you are uncomfortable.  Lack of experience or is it going against who you are?  The latter could eventually cause tension within your relationship if it is just left buried and unaddressed.

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/30/2007 7:31:11 AM   
sirjandlily


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/29/2005
Status: offline 		My suggestion is to give him a writing assignment -my Master does this with me regularly. Tell him to write you a story (scene) involving his submissive fantasies and warn him that you may or may not choose to incorporate what he writes into your scene. This removes the possible stigma of "topping from the bottom" since it is your choice as the Dominant what you will do.

(in reply to xolarkinxo)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/30/2007 9:22:13 AM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		My Dominant would probably never let me top him in scene type of way.  But once while he was trying to teach me how to swing a flogger, he let me flog him.  I was giggling the whole time and highly amused.  If he asked me to top him, I honestly don't think I'd have any problem emulating what he does to me...and then some ;).  It wouldn't be a particular turn on for me, but at the end of the day, I know who is in charge and it's not me. It seems like you have a good perspective on the situation.  You think of it as a service to him and it certainly is.  Think of the times he's mentioned what he likes sensation wise and then do that to him.

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"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to SayaNereida)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/31/2007 11:29:46 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Aiming for subspace the first few times is a bit much. Accept the fact that there's a learning curve and you'll need to learn how hard you can hit and how hard he likes it as well as how he likes it done, warm up or no, sensual or just rough.

He won't space this time but the sooner you learn enough to feel comfortable topping, the sooner he can expect to space.

(in reply to junecleaver)
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RE: As a sub, have you 'dominated' your Dom on his requ... - 7/31/2007 12:30:13 PM   
goddessAVA


Posts: 221
Joined: 11/2/2006
Status: offline 		I know I have to get in the right mindset before a session.  Silly as it may sound, a big part of this is the clothing I wear-the ritual of lacing my corsett, lubing the latex etc....Get a sexy outfit you feel Domme in. Go to a seperate room, think about the things that will happen and have been pre negotiated, think about how much he is going to enjoy this, and how excited you will get in turn-who doesn't want to excite their partner? Do something simple to represent the change in dynamic-have him kneel before you, bow or something silly like that-then have fun!

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cleaning out America's assholes one at a time

(in reply to SayaNereida)
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