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Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 1:55:37 AM

BoiJen

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Joined: 3/7/2007
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Okay, so I've had this question and I turn it over in my head everytime something "difficult" comes up. And I go back and forth when talkin with the Lady in Charge about this...as we communicate clearly and openly and it flows...sometimes though I just...

Is it the place of an s-type to decide when to share something? Or should an s-type just give the information as it comes and allow for the D-type to decide when and how to deal with it?

How do s-types deal with the need to speak but not impose? There tends to be a fine line of saying I really want/need this...and being demanding when it's felt whatever is being requested isn't coming in the right time. Is the timing needed by an s-type important to put out there or should it be entirely left up to the D-type for when to deal with something?

-from the boi who's given mantra for working is "I am worthy...and She will give it to me in Her time"

is it really all about patience?

Post #: 1

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 2:10:57 AM

julietsierra

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Joined: 9/26/2004
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Well, I'm under this kind of rule that says if I ask for something, I can guarantee that it'll be last on the list of what I receive.

So... I don't ask. That's first. I wait for him to want to provide it for me.

If I have a problem with something, I can tell him my problem. I can't ask him to solve it for me. I can't look to him for an answer to that problem.

For instance:
If I need him to call me earlier so that I can get ready on time for when we're going out, I can say that I'm having a difficult time getting ready in the amount of time I'm being given. I can share what I do during that time. I can tell him straight out that I have been looking at the fact that I'm often late and the problem seems to be that the time allotted is too small.

And then, I drop it. I've informed him. Now it's time to wait to see how he handles this the next time we go out.

I've purposely given an innocuous example but this way works whether it's the amount of time getting ready or the fact that I need more affection or whatever. I do not ask him to come up with a solution and let me hear it to make sure he understand. I let him know and then leave when (and IF) he's going to accommodate that need or want up to him.

I've communicated what I need and now I'm putting it in his hands to determine if and when he chooses to do what I've said I need. This method has taken us through some very very difficult situations that might have destroyed other people. It's also helped us navigate that simple getting used to each other time, where the little things are just not as visible as the big stuff.

juliet

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 2

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 2:14:48 AM

ownedgirlie

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I am required to tell my Master all of my thoughts, feelings, desires, fears, frustrations, etc. It is then up to him to decide what and when to deal with them. It is not up to me to decide when he addresses my issues. Sometimes he doesn't address them at all, but simply monitors them to see how I am handling them. Other times he jumps right in and redirects me or helps me out. I had to learn that he can't and won't fix everything for me (damn!) but that he's always there with a safety net in case I take the wrong direction.

It's a hard lesson in patience, no doubt. But I am not ever to keep any of my thoughts from him. He'll never know when to come in with that net if he doesn't know I'm heading for a cliff... On the other hand, there are times I just know for sure I'm headed right for a death drop, and I'll cry and stomp my feet that he isn't running to the rescue (okay not so much anymore but I sure did that at first), and he won't budge. And then lo and behold, I somehow solve the issue myself, go figure! And I learn that I really can figure the hard stuff out, after all, and I realize he was standing by watching the whole time, to make sure I didn't get too tangled up.

So yes, I always recommend the s-type share everything with the D-type and then leave it alone. Unless your Dominant is prone to forgetting things all the time, I'm sure she heard you the first time and it doesn't need repeating. I am required to share everything - but once. Repeating it will only annoy him. The only influence it ever had on his answer/response was one I didn't want. Nagging has never worked for me :)

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 3

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 2:20:37 AM

earthycouple

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I would be upset if my slave was not sharing his feelings and thoughts with me. Open communication is key. If you haven't processed your thoughts all the way through that's one thing. But once you know where you stand in your thoughts it's imperative to share, as far as I'm concerned.

I thrive on knowing where my slave is in his thought processes...even when they hurt.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 4

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 3:37:17 AM

Level

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Ask your dominant if you may speak to them; if they say yes, then respectfully tell them what is on your mind.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 5

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 5:02:45 AM

bandit25

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I can't imagine not being able to discuss something or even ask for it, knowing that you may not receive it. I guess a lot depends upon what the need is.

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 6

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 5:14:53 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
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Communication is critical. Transparency is often desired. (And you can slice that two ways - it is the purview of an owner to desire that transparency, but it is often important from the standpoint of a sub/slave to 'want' to give that as well.) Having said this, different D-types handle the dissemination of communication differently. You might not get the chance to say whatever is on your mind at any particular point in time.

This is often why subs/slaves write in journals. Something needs to be said, it gets committed to paper (or bits and bytes, or however). The act (or journaling) alone is oftimes enough to ease the mind. Of course, then it is up to the d-type to actually receive the communication. But that ought to be an easier path. Not foolproof, perhaps, but theoretically easier.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 7

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 5:18:50 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
Well, I'm under this kind of rule that says if I ask for something, I can guarantee that it'll be last on the list of what I receive.

So... I don't ask. That's first. I wait for him to want to provide it for me.

Hello juliet,
Nice post. The part above made me curious, however. How can he want to provide it for you if he doesn't even know you need or want it (whatever "it" is)? You say that you don't ask but if you don't ask, how is he to know what's on your mind? I know many of our doms/masters are wonderful at sensing our needs or "reading" us but I know my Master sure can't read my mind and He isn't always fully aware of whatever I may be thinking of asking Him for. It's imperative many times that I be able to feel free to tell Him.

So, in a case where you don't ask and you're waiting for him to want to provide you with what you're not asking him for...lol...and he doesn't ever figure it out, what are your feelings? I know mine would be resentment. I want something, I don't or won't ask, He's not figuring it out on His own, and meanwhile I'm sitting over here getting angrier and more resentful by the minute because He's not picking up on my unspoken desires. I can't see that working at all in our relationship. I was just curious how it works for you when he doesn't "figure it out?" Respectfully................luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 8

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 5:25:05 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
I am required to tell my Master all of my thoughts, feelings, desires, fears, frustrations, etc. It is then up to him to decide what and when to deal with them

Ditto, ownedgirlie. It is exactly the same for me.

quote:

I am not ever to keep any of my thoughts from him. He'll never know when to come in with that net if he doesn't know I'm heading for a cliff

Amen to that! Beautifully put.

quote:

So yes, I always recommend the s-type share everything with the D-type and then leave it alone. Unless your Dominant is prone to forgetting things all the time, I'm sure she heard you the first time and it doesn't need repeating. I am required to share everything - but once. Repeating it will only annoy him. The only influence it ever had on his answer/response was one I didn't want. Nagging has never worked for me :)

And ditto, again. You answered for me

. As I said above in my question to juliet, sharing everything is a must. If I am not permittied to speak openly about something I feel is important or that I feel I need, then I will begin to feel resentment. Not because I don't get it but because I'm not even allowed to give it voice. Big difference. As I've stated before, I'm always to be totally open and share all my thoughts and feelings - good or bad. That won't necessarily influence anything He does or decides but at least I've been able to share it with Him. That makes all the difference to me. He sees it as deception to not speak what's on my mind. Even when I'd rather not, I do since that's what He desires and expects. Then, as you said, He'll deal with it once it's out there. As always, great response..............luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 9

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 8:13:44 AM

Driver1961

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Joined: 9/8/2005
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He dips His lid to all;

My expectations dictate My submissive speak freely of any issues that may arise in their thoughts- to negate this often compounds this to walls of illfounded fears based upon past baggage that can seriously damage relationships (little different than conventional friendships)

The Dominant's strength is reinforced in their ability to listen and guide or modify the relationship's parameters. It probably does come down to whether the Dom/me is desirous of an ongoing flourishing relationship or one that has a 'short life' expectation.

However a Dominant's expectations can often be the opposite to this for various reasons that I can understand but could never utilise- it just isn't part of my nature to yearn for that sort of relationship.

Warm regards to all. Driver.

< Message edited by Driver1961 -- 7/29/2007 8:19:17 AM >

_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 10

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 8:18:58 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Why not ask your Mistress all these questions? How DOES she want the information given? How DOES she want requests to be made so that they're not sounding like demands? Etc. etc. We can't really answer these for you.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 11

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 8:34:29 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
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Communicate, communicate, communicate ...

within the guidelines set for you. If you aren't clear about those, then you need to ask.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 12

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 11:01:32 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen
Is it the place of an s-type to decide when to share something? Or should an s-type just give the information as it comes and allow for the D-type to decide when and how to deal with it?

All depends on what the dominant wants and trains.

quote:

How do s-types deal with the need to speak but not impose? There tends to be a fine line of saying I really want/need this...and being demanding when it's felt whatever is being requested isn't coming in the right time. Is the timing needed by an s-type important to put out there or should it be entirely left up to the D-type for when to deal with something?

Timing is generally important no matter what relationship you discuss. These questions are good ones and need to be decided and understood BEFORE any serious commitment is made.

Personally I don't think it's a thin line at all, I think it's pretty obvious when it's a request and when it's a demand. But I think I've learned the skills and eliminated the insecurities which would cloud that line for others.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 13

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 11:39:48 AM

SimplyMichael

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Joined: 1/7/2007
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The best (read worst) way to top from the bottom is to keep secrets.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 2:12:09 PM

DarkDaddyZ

Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
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Communication strengthens relationships. Non communication destroys them. While I know we all have different opinions on D/s relationships as far as how to approach discussing things. If my partner isn't comfortable discussing something with me or walks on eggshells regarding them then I've created that problem and she isn't going to give me all I need, nor am I going to give her all she needs. There are times that some discussions may be uncomfortable, I've been there and I've also been a jerk in past relationships about NOT communicating. I'm sure you know what the outcome was in that.

< Message edited by DarkDaddyZ -- 7/29/2007 2:13:10 PM >

_____________________________

"Flirting is part of the job description." DJ Jesus (Lucy Daughter Of The Devil)

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(in reply to SimplyMichael)

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RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/29/2007 6:40:54 PM

NControlofU

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Joined: 11/14/2005
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I require my slave to tell me her thoughts and feelings everyday. Sometimes its like pulling teeth to get her to tell me what's on her mind but I dont let her keep anything to herself. I make it a point to ask her throughout the day how she's feeling, what she's thinking, etc. I also require her to keep a journal and I make it a point to read it daily. And anytime she needs to bring something to my attention, she lets me know that she has something to tell me and leaves it to me to decide when I can give her the time to hear what she has to say. She will say something to the effect, "Excuse me, master, when you have time I would like to talk to you about something." Then I let her know either that I have time now to listen or that I will let her know when I'm ready to hear what she has to say. This gives her a chance to let me know she needs some of my time to tell me about something but I decide when I can give her my undivided attention. We also send IMs to each other and email on occasion but not as often as we did before living together.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
I am required to tell my Master all of my thoughts, feelings, desires, fears, frustrations, etc. It is then up to him to decide what and when to deal with them. It is not up to me to decide when he addresses my issues.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 16

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/30/2007 1:06:05 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
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These questions are specifically to me. I guess I should have put that out there. And I do discuss these issues openly with the Lady in Charge. As was mentioned earlier...journaling has come up and I have to actually label what type of journaling I'm doing...ie. venting...scene reaction...I noticed... stuff like that.

I don't always believe in sharing everything...mainly cuz I can't remember everything that floats through my head. The focus here is how do we decide timeing...as s-types is that even up to us? And what to do when we don't feel heard? Is it as simple as asking "Did You hear me?" or is that an offensive question to ask of the D-type an s-type is serving? Can s-types leave out expectations? Or is it the place of an s-type to put the D-types feet to the fire when expectations are made? "You told me this would happen if x occured...that doesn't seem to be the case..." not calling a D-type a liar but pointing out that an expectation created by a D-type was met by their own standards. Lots of stuff...somehow I just feel like it's the tip of an iceburg.

(in reply to NControlofU)

Post #: 17

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/30/2007 7:04:31 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen
The focus here is how do we decide timeing...as s-types is that even up to us?

To a certain extent, yes. Very few doms want to micromanage to that level so they give the sub general guidelines and the sub needs to learn how to navigate within those boundaries.

quote:

And what to do when we don't feel heard? Is it as simple as asking "Did You hear me?" or is that an offensive question to ask of the D-type an s-type is serving?

It's better to say "I don't feel heard."

quote:

Can s-types leave out expectations?

I guess they can, but if that's something that needs to be discussed, why would they?

quote:

Or is it the place of an s-type to put the D-types feet to the fire when expectations are made? "You told me this would happen if x occured...that doesn't seem to be the case..." not calling a D-type a liar but pointing out that an expectation created by a D-type was met by their own standards. Lots of stuff...somehow I just feel like it's the tip of an iceburg.

If a dom doesn't want to discuss something, they can simply say so. Otherwise, I can't see a reason for a sub not to bring up a topic they feel is relevant and needs discussing.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 18

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/30/2007 8:34:26 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
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quote:

Okay, so I've had this question and I turn it over in my head everytime something "difficult" comes up. And I go back and forth when talkin with the Lady in Charge about this...as we communicate clearly and openly and it flows...sometimes though I just...

As a start, I will take from this statement that the communication channels between you and your LiC are good.

quote:

Is it the place of an s-type to decide when to share something? Or should an s-type just give the information as it comes and allow for the D-type to decide when and how to deal with it?

Actually two separate questions. Should a sub decide when to share something? That can only be answered by your LiC. You need to learn from her when it is and when it is not the right time to do verbalize.

The second question, when and how the D will decide to deal with it, is really out of your control.

quote:

How do s-types deal with the need to speak but not impose? There tends to be a fine line of saying I really want/need this...and being demanding when it's felt whatever is being requested isn't coming in the right time. Is the timing needed by an s-type important to put out there or should it be entirely left up to the D-type for when to deal with something?

How a sub knows when to speak and not impose is, again, the choice of your LiC. It seems to me you need to talk with her about when it is appropriate for you to voice your wants and needs, and she should give you a straight answer as to when it is, and when it is not the right time.

Every Dominant is different; the only one who can really answer this is your Lady in Charge. Ask for permission to talk to her, and explain clearly that you are not clear about what her preferences are.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 19

RE: Sharing and Communication...who's on top? - 7/30/2007 9:12:47 AM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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I love what owned and SimplyMichael have already written.

Myself, I want to know everything, and I do NOT want to have to drag it out of her. I hate, detest, secrets. It is probably my number one deal breaker.

Give me all of the information, what I do with it, is then up to me. If she feels she cannot trust me with it, then she has no business being with me in the first place.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 7/30/2007 9:13:35 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 20

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