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SusanofO -> RE: Is BDSM just shallow? (7/30/2007 1:24:57 AM)
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Wow, I remember thinking the exact same thing when I first became a CollarMe member (I really do). Some of what I read really scared me, even though I was very much attracted to BDSM and the idea of D/s. After awhile, I learned that some people in the BDSM world have had very enduring and fulfilling D/s relationships.
And, even though the relationships are D/s, I am quite sure there are Doms (and Mistresses) who would be absolutely devastated if their submissive walked out the door, or if their relationship deteriorated to the point where they felt they had to "let them go".
I've seen some post to that effect, and I believe it's true. These are the folks who know how to work on things like communication, and want to build a real, lasting relationship. I've also seen what appear to be some very dedicated submissives and slaves.
Some people aren't necessarily looking for a lasting relationship. That's okay, too, IMO - it doesn't mean they don't know anything about BDSM, it just means their needs are different I guess. In either case, they are going to have to establish some kind of quality communication if they expect to "scene" with you, or ask you to "scene" with them (at least that would be the case for me).
Sure there are plenty of shallow Doms - and subs, and well, just people. Just like outside of the BDSM "world."
I have come to believe there are people who are just plain bad at relationships in general - and they become attracted to the ideas of D/s, thinking it will solve their "relationship problems" due to thinking that suddenly, within a D/s relationship, they'll have this submissive whom they think just has to do "everything they say" and they will not have to contribute much, if anything, to the relationship, or put in any effort to maintain it.
Hmmm.
Well, maybe that's true - for some people (but it doesn't really sound like the "norm", in a good D/s relationship, to me) - in any case, it is only after they've won his or her heart and respect. That doesn't mean that respect can automatically go out the window, after the person is "collared", or after they state they are "committed" to them, either - **because a submissive or a slave - no matter what anybody tells you - can very easily walk right out the door (the relationship) anytime - just as easily as a Dom or Master (or Mistress) can end it.
The same can be said of some submissives - who think life is just going to magically become a lot less complicated now that someone else is making "all of the decisions". Well, maybe it will - and maybe not. But, even if that is some major impetus for entering a D/s relationship for a submissive (and I imagine everyone has their own reasons for wanting a D/s relationship) - that still doesn't mean (to me anyway) a Dominant necessarily wants to deal with a partner who hasn't got their head screwed on straight.
I think there are probably plenty of people involved in BDSM (from what I've seen and read) who are involved in it because they find it a deeply fulfilling way to live, and are good, mature people who have real and fulfilling relationships.
I can think of one couple here who are a shining example of that (Mercnbeth, as one example, and Knight ofMists and his Poly family, and there are many others here also). I know I've met a couple of real nice folks who are into BDSM in my own life, too. There seem to be more than a few nice people around in the BDSM "world". I hope you get to meet some of them, too.
- Susan
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