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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/30/2007 3:28:37 PM

Estring

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quote:

ORIGINAL: earthycouple

I'd like to know why so many people get into relationships and then feel like they can't talk to, or bring up a subject to their significant other. How do you ever meet if you can't talk? This confuses me.

Probably the same reason why so many of these relationships crash and burn soon after takeoff.

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/30/2007 4:36:18 PM

spiral23

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some very sound advice, especially the talking to him on his return and reading books to explore more aspects of the lifestyle...but if i was a dom who unable to comminicate for a period of time..the one thing i would be pleased to know is that my sub was looking after herself , being good to herself, carrying on her usual routine, ...i know this may seem obvious and i dont expect you stop feeling a little lost...but i see your role is to maintain yourself and your life..till he returns...

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/30/2007 5:44:25 PM

slaveluci

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When I read your post, the first thing that popped into my mind was a response beingchewsie once gave to a similar question. It stuck in my mind so clearly. I just did a search and here is what she said:

"It depends on how long the no communication thing has been going on. My owner travels a lot and he doesn't often call home when he is away...he can go 7-8 days without calling home...it doesn't mean anythng. I used to really internalize that and take it personally but it doesn't mean anything except he isn't my bitch and doesn't need to check in like a pussified spouse(over time there is a strange comfort in that). I think you should spell out your concerns to him sans the flowery metaphor, just tell him how you feel. Why would an owner want someone if he wasn't involved in their life? Well one reason might be that servants are useful, and how involved in the "life" of your servants do you really need to be beyond the occasional maintenance to keep them enslaved? I doubt its just to say he owns slaves, if he owns them offline...kind of an expensive hobby if you didn't get any return on investment.

I suggest you talk to him, if it continues then you will do what you can afford to do to rectify or reconcile it for yourself."

Wow. The words in red burned into my memory

. I'm not saying this would be my exact response to you but I definitely thought it was worth bringing up here. Thanks beingchewsie for the memorable post

............luci

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/30/2007 8:08:51 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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LOL..while I absolutely loved what being chewsie said (kinda appealed to me as well)..I also have to agree with earthy couple..why is it when communication is esposed over and over, do some still have issues that are best discussed with their significant other?..best answers...fear..new relationship..new to D/s..feelings of inadequacy..making an issue more complicated than it should be...neediness..drama queens...control issues...lack of knowledge of self.....Tempting

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/31/2007 1:09:55 AM

Babybass

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To Ron and MrDiscipline44 - i do apologise for making rash comments earlier when all you were both trying to do was help. i will try read more to keep myself occupied Ron, and MrDiscipline, I am sorry that i took your comment and decided it was just an off the cuff remark with no further meaning and just posted for the sake of being mean.
And thank you once again to all who have posted - it really has helped me!

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/31/2007 3:12:29 AM

dasein42

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quote:

ORIGINAL: earthycouple

I'd like to know why so many people get into relationships and then feel like they can't talk to, or bring up a subject to their significant other. How do you ever meet if you can't talk? This confuses me.

I also am not sure why people get into relationships and can't be silent with each other. In various relationships I've had to travel for work or other things and have been away for significant periods, sometimes I called, sometimes I was too exhausted, and sometimes talking to the person would have just added to my resentment at being forced away from home. Trust is more important in any relationship IMHO, but especially in a D/s relationship, than service or skillsets. If you can't trust someone to go away for a few days how can you trust them to run your life when they get back?

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/31/2007 3:29:43 AM

Babybass

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Hi - i just want to clarify something. i can talk to my Master about anything. We have very lengthy discussions about everything. i do agree that there is little point in being in a relationship where you cannot communicate! i think my problem is that i did not realise how much i would miss my Master and how much i cherished contact from him! it is something that is new to me but i am learning to deal with it.

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/31/2007 6:35:03 AM

MrDiscipline44

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I'm paraphrasing abit here but an idle mind is the devil's playground.

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/31/2007 7:48:05 AM

Kinkypupper

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OH my GAWD, its another "on-line" romance with a married male gone bad, How or HOW could this happen.....

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/31/2007 7:58:43 AM

Babybass

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Our relationship is not online - although that is how we met initially. and it has not gone bad. it is a distance relationship though - we live 4 hours apart - but do make the trip every other weekend to visit each other!

Love the tat by the way! Tres cool!

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/31/2007 1:15:14 PM

obis

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quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U
yes, if a guy is genuine, he would call daily, even if for a few minutes. No excuse for not calling., but I surely would have better things to do than sitting by the phone.

It's news to me that I've never been genuine in my life. I just don't have a need to talk every day when I'm in a relationship, the phone doesn't do much for me. Some people need that, some people don't. I can guarantee you from a satellite phone in remote Africa at $1.50/minute I wasn't ringing up my girlfriend every 24 hours and asking her the details of her day. I tend to call about once a week if I'm on a long trip. If I'm in another city for a few days, they usually have me out 18 hours a day on whatever project plus "social" activities, and I collapse when I get back to the hotel room. I'll usually call when i arrive and when i depart but not much contact in-between.

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/31/2007 3:58:35 PM

Mystique567

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quote:

ORIGINAL: obis

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U
yes, if a guy is genuine, he would call daily, even if for a few minutes. No excuse for not calling., but I surely would have better things to do than sitting by the phone.

It's news to me that I've never been genuine in my life. I just don't have a need to talk every day when I'm in a relationship, the phone doesn't do much for me. Some people need that, some people don't. I can guarantee you from a satellite phone in remote Africa at $1.50/minute I wasn't ringing up my girlfriend every 24 hours and asking her the details of her day. I tend to call about once a week if I'm on a long trip. If I'm in another city for a few days, they usually have me out 18 hours a day on whatever project plus "social" activities, and I collapse when I get back to the hotel room. I'll usually call when i arrive and when i depart but not much contact in-between.

Then that is the way you deal with it, and that is great. But I am pretty sure you tell the other person in your relationship, or they already know that you are not going to be getting in touch with them until you come out of the jungle.

I agree with earthy, why if these are the people you trust with your life, love, and soul would you not communicate and make sure that they are aware of your intentions, that they are safe, and they understand and are aware of the time frame your schedule permits.

edited because I forgot how to type

< Message edited by Mystique567 -- 7/31/2007 4:02:06 PM >

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/31/2007 4:17:07 PM

Babybass

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All is well in the world again - my Master has been in contact. He was very busy with meetings etc and just crashed most nights - which i actually knew! But there is a difference between knowing something in your head and getting your heart to understand it!!
This has been a bit of a learning experience for me - i have never felt this lost and vunerable before - who knew i could be so needy!! But then again i have never submitted to anyone before either - so a lot of things are new to me! It has given me a different view of myself and i know i need to learn from this and make myself stronger because of it. i also realise that i have not been communicating with my Master as well as i should have - he does not realise that i missed him so much and i have not discussed it with him yet as i prefer to wait til he is home! i do not want to worry him or distract him from his work.
Thanks all!!!

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/31/2007 8:03:40 PM

Noah

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CutieMouse

Easy Peasy - when you speak with him next, say something along the lines of "Sweetie, I enjoy talking with you so much and really missed it when you were on your business trip. I know you were terribly busy, but I didn't realize how important it was to me to hear from you daily - even if it's just a quick email or phone call hello. Honestly, I felt a bit unsure/missed you/worried you were safe/etc; could we please find a solution to stay in contact when life gets busier than usual?"

I think what's above represents one of a number of fine approaches you might take to dealing with the issues in question as they relate to your relationship with your partner.

Whichever way you decide to proceed in terms of your relationship with him, you might consider an incident like the one you described (let's call it a difficult separation) as an opportunity to explore some other potentiall fertile ground.

I hope it won't sound too obtuse if I talk about something like "your relationship with vulnerability itself". That is one piece of territory I think might be worth exploring.

You are surviving, or by now maybe have just survived, an interval of considerable emotional vulberability. I think that love of any sort tends to involve or entail vulnerability. Submission, with or without love, can have vulnerability as a structural component too.

Some people seem to sort of plug their nose through any interval of vulnerability, existing only to get past it, you might say. It can be scary, painful, etc, so it can seem kind of logical to want to just get through it, period, and maybe try to figure out how to prevent something similar from happening again.

But then again, when you consider the degree to which vulnerability can be part and parcel of love and/or submission, it might be well to breathe through the experience itself, to pay close attention to what is in it. I'm suggesting that you don't just attend to his absence and the reason for it and the urge for it to be over. Attend, very carefully, to just what the vulnerability feels like, what it evokes in terms of thoughts, emotional feelings and even physical feelings.

What does it do when you hem it in? When you poke it? When you give it some freedom to express itself?

It might seem oxymoronic to suggest that you can get better at feeling not-so-good, but maybe it makes a certain kind of sense--and by "get better at" I don't just mean get better at getting to the other side of it. I mean better at inhabiting that kind of moment as fully as you might wish to inhabit a joyous time.

Why? Well one of a number of possibilities would involve the opportunity to dedicate your vulnerability and whatever it entails to a cause you find worthy of something so intense. You might dedicate it to your own personal growth; you might dedicate it to the one you submit to.

If this isn't making any sense then maybe this approach isn't for you. If this sort of approach is for you then I maybe I needn't say much more about it.

I wonder if my suggestions resonate for any other readers here.

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/31/2007 8:35:51 PM

Faramir

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah
Some people seem to sort of plug their nose through any interval of vulnerability, existing only to get past it, you might say. It can be scary, painful, etc, so it can seem kind of logical to want to just get through it, period, and maybe try to figure out how to prevent something similar from happening again.

But then again, when you consider the degree to which vulnerability can be part and parcel of love and/or submission, it might be well to breathe through the experience itself, to pay close attention to what is in it. I'm suggesting that you don't just attend to his absence and the reason for it and the urge for it to be over. Attend, very carefully, to just what the vulnerability feels like, what it evokes in terms of thoughts, emotional feelings and even physical feelings.

Yeah--there's some truth in that. Our culture privileges autonomy and strength, and disparages vulnerability (in multiple ways for many different positions). We very easily assume we should see vulnerability as a problem to be overcome, as a vice.

I think being vulnerable is at the core of D/s (on both sides) and so I think that's an astute observation.

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RE: Feeling Lost - 7/31/2007 10:55:50 PM

angelslave77

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Mr Discipline that comment of yours is soooooo very true. The Devils playground indeed

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RE: Feeling Lost - 8/1/2007 4:02:44 AM

Babybass

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah
Some people seem to sort of plug their nose through any interval of vulnerability, existing only to get past it, you might say. It can be scary, painful, etc, so it can seem kind of logical to want to just get through it, period, and maybe try to figure out how to prevent something similar from happening again.

But then again, when you consider the degree to which vulnerability can be part and parcel of love and/or submission, it might be well to breathe through the experience itself, to pay close attention to what is in it. I'm suggesting that you don't just attend to his absence and the reason for it and the urge for it to be over. Attend, very carefully, to just what the vulnerability feels like, what it evokes in terms of thoughts, emotional feelings and even physical feelings.

Yeah--there's some truth in that. Our culture privileges autonomy and strength, and disparages vulnerability (in multiple ways for many different positions). We very easily assume we should see vulnerability as a problem to be overcome, as a vice.

I think being vulnerable is at the core of D/s (on both sides) and so I think that's an astute observation.

Wow - very interesting analysis guys - i do agree that feelings that are oftentimes considered negative can teach us a lot about ourselves. To experience joy you must know pain! To know how to be strong you must accept your vunerability. It is the sum of our experiences that make us the people we are - and so even 'negative' emotions and experiences have value to us - they should not be ignored and brushed over. rather we should sit with them and get comfortable!! Explore them and see what each means to us. It is in the same way that we must accept death - that only when we accept that death can come at any moment can we live for each moment - but i digress!!

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RE: Feeling Lost - 8/1/2007 6:11:23 AM

julietsierra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

yes, if a guy is genuine, he would call daily, even if for a few minutes. No excuse for not calling., but I surely would have better things to do than sitting by the phone.

note to self: Call Master and inform him that it's been so determined that he's not genuine cause came4U said so.

This may be a wish of yours and even a criteria by which you judge all those folks you're NOT meeting, but by no means can you confer that little dig on everyone out there just because YOU think it's written down somewhere in the doms for dummies handbook or something.

juliet

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RE: Feeling Lost - 8/1/2007 6:32:07 AM

nizoj

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quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

yes, if a guy is genuine, he would call daily, even if for a few minutes. No excuse for not calling., but I surely would have better things to do than sitting by the phone.

This is absolutely ridiculous! I don't even play on the forums and I saw this on my ticker and just had to reply. I hate talking on the phone, as do most men, and there is no way that you could get me to call you every day just to have a senseless conversation on the phone. It is also one of the most annoying things to have a woman calling you at any hour "just to talk". You call when you have something important to say (I'm free on Saturday, I'm going out of town, I want you now...). I can't believe that a woman would expect to be called everyday!

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RE: Feeling Lost - 8/1/2007 11:23:30 AM

CreativeDominant

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I consider myself to be fairly genuine (checks label on self..."Genuwine Dom Made In U.S.A....yep) but I too do not speak to all of those who are in my life every night/day.

For example, my best friend from chiropractic college. We ate and drank and studied and went through broken hearts together then; we have had children and watched each others' kids grow; we teach together. I speak to him every 4 - 6 weeks. My brother? Every day.

There are those I do speak with every day and there are those that I do not speak to every day...might want to...but do not. Part of that is my work and my life and part of that is their work and their life and the relationship I have to those people. It does not mean that I do not care about them or don't like them anymore or don't want our relationship to stay good and become better...it just means that life is as it is.

This is why it doesn't bother me when I have been on an email exchange with friends/lovers and after writing back and forth for a few days or a week or a month, all of a sudden there goes a two -three-four day span or more when I do not hear from them or them from me. I accept that their life is filled with other things that just may be more important than me...though given the me that is ME, I don't see how that is possible.

Part of the way I avoid misunderstandings is by making it clear to loved and dear ones that I am here...I won't be used and I won't be a standby (whether as a parent, a friend, a lover, a dominant) but I am pretty flexible as long as I see effort on their part to continue to improve the relationship in a manner similar to what I give.

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