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Recent experience - 6/29/2005 5:37:19 AM   
terryuk


Posts: 11
Joined: 3/25/2005
Status: offline 		Hoping for some advice.... this might be a long one so be warned!

I recently met an entirely lovely girl through this site, which took me by surprise as I wasn't actively looking at the time. she has been a slave for many years, and as such is more recently experienced than I am.

Initially things were going very well, we spoke constantly and were always in touch, although without ever meeting. There certainly seemed to be a connection between us, and it has been a long time since I've met a sub whom I liked so much - she is just perfect. I think for that reason I moved very slowly on the Dominance front - offtimes she would behave like a complete brat but I would let her get away with it - partly because I wanted time to get to know her outside of d/s before venturing down that path, but perhaps also because I had never dealt with someone so experienced without meeting, and wasn't sure how to tread without her being there for me to guage her reactions. I think this was a bit of an issue for her - she was used to being corrected for her behaviour, and felt bad that she was behaving so brattishly with me.

Very recently she suffered a terrible, tragic loss, and it wrenched my heart out to know she was suffering so much. Shortly after I was due to go away for a few days, and much as I wanted to cancel so I could spend time talking to her and comforting her, I couldn't let down the people who were depending on me. Whilst away she made the decision that she didn't want things to continue between us. She tells me that whilst away she discovered she could cope without me, that she thinks I am an amazing, gorgeous person who she likes very much, but that she wants to end it now to avoid the inevitable greater hurt for both of us further down the line.

I can understand that given how much she is hurting inside, she might just have no space in her life for a relationship for now or a good while, and I intend to be a good friend and be there when she needs me. What I struggle to understand is her stated reason for ending it, that she wants to avoid pain in the future. For me, in this as in everything, the happiness it could bring far outweighs any risk of pain should it come to an end. Perhaps given how much she is hurting she cannot bear the thought of more pain... I don't know. My intention is to just be a good friend for her, but I sense that it is going to be incredibly difficult to see someone so perfect slip away, to know she is hurting but I cannot take her in my arms and help her. Was my initial easy-going attitude really to blame?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Recent experience - 6/29/2005 6:12:31 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		No she sounds like a drama queen who wants you to beg for her to stay.

Now, I don't know her side of the story so that could be completely wrong.

She's made her choice, respect it, let her deal with the consequences. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who falls apart just because you go away for a few days.

And no, it's nothing to do with you letting her act like a brat when you weren't her dom at all to begin with. She's done a great job of wrapping you around her while letting you feel in control, this happens all the time.

(in reply to terryuk)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Recent experience - 6/29/2005 8:16:34 AM   
Youtalkingtome


Posts: 112
Joined: 12/8/2004
Status: offline 		What country was she from?Did you talk on the phone or just the internet?
As EmeraldSlave2 said, she was a drama queen.

(in reply to terryuk)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Recent experience - 6/29/2005 9:01:43 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		PS- it sounds like you have the beginning of "white knight syndrome"

It's not your job to be her protector and healer, it's likely that's not what she's ready for anyway.

(in reply to terryuk)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Recent experience - 6/29/2005 9:03:50 AM   
MasterbillMA


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/31/2005
Status: offline 		Your slow moving actions sounds to be very much the road I take when I frist start talking to some one... You really need to get to know them out of the D/s before you can really put your foot down as a Dom. My only suggestion is that you generaly infrom the sub early on that you will take it slow with the D/s as you try to learn and come to understand the person. Understanding the person who will submit allows us Doms to make the relationship far more enjoyable for both involved.

Also.. It also sounds possable that she will after some time change her mind about you. Until then the entire D/s is built on trust and respect... a sub can never fully submit to you unless she is sure she can trust you compleatly. So you must respect her choice for now.... When she is in better state you can tell her you don't agree with her choice (if you havent already done so) but make sure she knows you respect her choice.

Just my thinking take it or leave it

(in reply to terryuk)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Recent experience - 6/29/2005 2:02:34 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I don't know. My intention is to just be a good friend for her, but I sense that it is going to be incredibly difficult to see someone so perfect slip away, to know she is hurting but I cannot take her in my arms and help her. Was my initial easy-going attitude really to blame?


If the two of you were so perfect for one another, why would either let the other slip away?
She sounds like she is dealing with some heavy issues right now and doesn't want to further complicate things.
I urge you to remember this is the internet..and what is perfect in text is not always perfect in real life.

(in reply to terryuk)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Recent experience - 6/29/2005 3:36:07 PM   
Godlike


Posts: 6
Joined: 3/15/2005
Status: offline 		I know this is emotion-based-content, but one thing in this first post strikes me as odd:

" ....she was used to being corrected for her behaviour, and felt bad that she was behaving so brattishly with me. "

If you don't really have much of a play-relationship (Ie, she's not collared to you, you're not playing in a scene..) why on earth would she even remotely expect you to "correct" her behavior? It sounds like the fine line between fantasy and reality isn't really clear, here. And if she is blurring this line from an online relationship (at least, I assume from your post that it's all onlne? Sorry if I'm wrong) ... Accept the fact that she's moved on, but count yourself just a little bit lucky. She may be just a tad nuts.


(in reply to terryuk)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Recent experience - 6/29/2005 11:33:48 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		If you really think about it, you two are not really a good match at all. You are infatuated by the fact that out of the blue you met this experienced slave. But it is obvious from your post that you are not the one for her. And it's also obvious that you would not be happy just being a friend to her. Let her go.

(in reply to terryuk)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Recent experience - 6/30/2005 4:57:21 AM   
kisshou


Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		She had a terrible tragedy occur in her life and really needed you. You went away with your friends vacationing while she needed you most and when you got back she broke up with you. To me this sounds like you broke her trust by not being there for her, so now she is afraid that when the chips are down she can't trust you to be there for her and does not want to be hurt like that again.

I of course read and interpreted your post in my own way. Only she can answer the questions you are asking. I hope she is okay during her time of difficulties , in times of tremendous grief just getting up and dressed in the morning can be hard , much less making relationship decisions.

(in reply to terryuk)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Recent experience - 6/30/2005 5:47:38 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kisshou

She had a terrible tragedy occur in her life and really needed you.You went away with your friends vacationing while she needed you most and when you got back she broke up with you. To me this sounds like you broke her trust by not being there for her, so now she is afraid that when the chips are down she can't trust you to be there for her and does not want to be hurt like that again.

He'd had a planned trip, it's not like he just dropped her like a hot potato. Also it sounds like this was a cyber relationship. I'm not going to stop living a life just because of a connection I have with someone solely online. If someone felt they couldn't trust me because I went on a planned trip (and there was no mention of vacation) instead of typing to them on the computer all day, I certainly don't want to get involved with them.

Personally I think it says more that the person put his REAL LIFE priorities ahead of a cyber relationship. How would this girl like if it they were real time, he had a friend online who had a crisis and he cancelled a vacation with her to stay with this other person on the computer? Not appropriate, IMO.


(in reply to kisshou)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Recent experience - 6/30/2005 6:15:40 AM   
Kiaban


Posts: 124
Joined: 7/11/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2


quote:

ORIGINAL: kisshou

She had a terrible tragedy occur in her life and really needed you.You went away with your friends vacationing while she needed you most and when you got back she broke up with you. To me this sounds like you broke her trust by not being there for her, so now she is afraid that when the chips are down she can't trust you to be there for her and does not want to be hurt like that again.

He'd had a planned trip, it's not like he just dropped her like a hot potato. Also it sounds like this was a cyber relationship. I'm not going to stop living a life just because of a connection I have with someone solely online. If someone felt they couldn't trust me because I went on a planned trip (and there was no mention of vacation) instead of typing to them on the computer all day, I certainly don't want to get involved with them.

Personally I think it says more that the person put his REAL LIFE priorities ahead of a cyber relationship. How would this girl like if it they were real time, he had a friend online who had a crisis and he cancelled a vacation with her to stay with this other person on the computer? Not appropriate, IMO.



Bravo, Yes, and Amen
To all your posts on this subject being right on the money..sorry to say but I have this senerio happen a few times online while waiting for it to become rt. Mostly likely as hard as it is to hear..you were played.


(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 11
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