Communication

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uniquesub4u -> Communication (6/29/2005 5:20:05 PM)
I recently met a Dom here. We mailed, we spoke on the phone, finally met and then we sessioned. It was one of the most intense experiences I have ever had. And we clicked on many levels beyond D/s. It was so good I spent the night. (A first for me after a first session at least.) The next day I mailed and thanked him for the wonderful time. I did not hear from him for five days!!!! I wrote him several mails during that time and asked him was something wrong. If the session was not as good for him. I asked him for any kind of feed back. When he finally called me he explained that he was very busy with several things including his teenage kids arrival for the summer. He did make me feel better, and yet I told him for me as sub, I need the mental connection. It heightens the physical bond. Well regardless, we planned to meet again. And the second time was even better. And we talked about my need to be acknowledged and communicated with. Well that was last Thursday. No calls, and two one line mails. My question to you Doms and Masters is this: Am I wasting my time with this Dom? Do you give feedback to your subs? Do you believe that contact in between sessions is vital and important as I do? I have never had such an experience with a Dom not contacting me after a session, and because this man seemed to be all that I was looking for I am really bummed out. What would you suggest I do? Thank you, jj

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Communication (6/29/2005 5:24:16 PM)
What is happening to you unfortunately is very common. The most likely reason is that he's either a serial player and not able to be honest about it or that he doesn't really click with you long term and can't bring himself to just say it openly. But take it for what it is, you had one awesome date. What joy is it bringing you to sit at the computer pining? Go meet others! Get busy! Life is short. PS one of my serious partners lives in Boston, I can get you tons of real time contacts if you want

mossy -> RE: Communication (6/29/2005 6:21:55 PM)
Learning experiences come in all shapes and sizes. Take the good and leave the rest, learn from it what you can. It does not matter much if he is "good dom" "bad dom".... from what you have said...your needs aren't being met. As the kind lady above has said....Life is short....compatibility can be found....enjoy and you have every right to get your needs met.

mossy -> RE: Communication (6/29/2005 6:38:59 PM)
uniquesub4u...i would like to add i am not a dominant...first second...i wish to say i was not offering advice, to end this relationship. No one can say what is right or wrong for you, and no one knows All the details...but you. Breathe...Relax...think of the age of His kids? If they are young, how many kids?...they require much attention. Single daddy and Dominant, may be a lot for Him. Perhaps the Erotic side of Him shrinks when they are around? But if you are that fond of Him...perhaps you could try some patience...let the kids settle in...and see what happens. Just my humble view, i have a child, and at times it used to affect my libido, and certainly my parenthood always came first. i hope i helped a tiny bit uniquesub. smile..and don't forget to breathe....[:D]

Gauge -> RE: Communication (6/29/2005 6:40:37 PM)
quote: My question to you Doms and Masters is this: Am I wasting my time with this Dom? Do you give feedback to your subs? Do you believe that contact in between sessions is vital and important as I do? I have never had such an experience with a Dom not contacting me after a session, and because this man seemed to be all that I was looking for I am really bummed out. **Franticly searching through the Twue Domly Dom's Handbook** The only one that can answer your question as to if you are wasting your time with this Dom is you. Apparently he is not everything you are looking for because he seems to lack an interest in your needs. If you have expressed your need for communication between sessions and he has ignored it then I would begin to question his motives. In any relationship be it work related or love related, good communication is vital. The simple answer to this is to ask him about it. Ask him if there is a reason that he is not paying attention to you. If you don't get an answer that suits you, then I would rethink your submission to him. You are not collared to him and are under no obligation to remain submissive to him unless you choose to do so. Better to find out now that he isn't the one for you than commit to him and find out later. Best of luck to you! [:)]

testlimit -> RE: Communication (6/29/2005 11:10:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: uniquesub4u The next day I mailed and thanked him for the wonderful time. I did not hear from him for five days!!!! I wrote him several mails during that time and asked him was something wrong. I'm not saying this is the case, but this might have given the impression of being a little clingy and overly needy if it was after only one night. He may have gotten the wrong impression and is trying to pull back some. I'd just give him some space for a little bit...don't send more than two emails a week for a couple of weeks....but let him know you're still interested and would like to continue the relationship. Maybe try to slow things down a little...get together and don't "session." Just go have diner or something.

FelinePersuasion -> RE: Communication (6/30/2005 2:35:35 AM)
uniquesub4u This is just me but if It was you and I and you emailed me that much I would begin to get annoyed. I'm all for contact I actually insist on it and get those groudn rules set up, And I myself wonder why if We seemed to like it so much, how come it took so long for him to get back. But 5 days isn't that long, and with his kids comeing, his kids take priority over anything and anybody. And if they don't already they sure should. try backing off, breathing relaxing and not being so impatient to get a reply.

Focus50 -> RE: Communication (6/30/2005 3:39:37 AM)
I think the short but obvious answer is that actions speak louder than words and you're wasting your time with him. As for him, he was busy with other things.....? Purrleasssse!!! Having control means taking responsibility before, during and after and since he made the time to scene with you, there's no excuse for then sooking off into obscurity. And I don't agree with those who think your latter actions were overly needy. If he intended to be a "hit & run" dom, you had a right to know beforehand. I do more than give feedback; contact is extremely important after scening and this prick should've done a lot better by you. With sub-space comes sub-drop and he doesn't get to sneak off without paying for his pleasure, so to speak. The last thing the lifestyle needs is more selfish losers like him! Cut your losses and make sure your friends know his form, too! Focus50.

Quivver -> RE: Communication (6/30/2005 6:35:59 AM)
JJ, Q is sticking her noes in again where it doesn't belong, but I was speaking to another Sub just last week who told me that she felt being ignored was the worst punishment she could ever get. I had to agree with her. Although you didnt mention if this Dom was local to you and that makes a huge difference in my mind. Yet, distance can be made smaller with a phone call or email. ( kinda like before ?) I have a somewhat similar situation but distance is an issue. I admit I'm an attention hog, it doesn't take much to placate me, but after 5 days I tend to wonder myself why. Summer is here, we all get busy with this and that. Does it make it any easier? Hell no. If this is important to you find your center and ride it, time will tell. I'm watching the responses to your question with interest myself. [sm=rolleyes.gif]

Jayxkes -> RE: Communication (6/30/2005 7:21:48 AM)
jj, There is no way any of us can give you the answer you're after. However, from what you have written I get an uncomfortable feeling. Yes we do all get busy, yes we do let things jump the priority queue. With the pleasure that this type of relationship brings, comes responsibilities. It is a dom's responsibility to attend to the welfare of his sub. By way of example, I too am busy. I have a full time job, a part time photography business, a busy social life, a wife/sub, a dog who needs training, dog demos to practice for and do, etc. When I play with my wife it's very easy, we live together. When I play with other people I still am able to make time to contact them next day and again in another day or two, (although some do not want or need this contact). This includes when I play with several people at the same event. After a first time I would not even dream of not contacting the sub at 3 times in the week following play. I think a measure would be to compare the amount of contact before each session with that afterwards. If this dom is truly busy then it is likely that he would be too busy to contact any more before than after. Another consideration is if he is so busy he cannot make a phone call, send a decent email etc., how does he find the time for the 2 play sessions? One point that sticks out is the 2 one liner emails. I suspect from the fact you mention them in this way that previous contacts were more substantial? If this is the case one has to wonder why he is able to find time to turn on the PC, open his email software and compose that one line, but does not have the time or inclination to write a few more words! After all this post has only taken 3 minutes to write, including thinking time! It is very easy to be great during a session. The real test is what a person is like between sessions. 5 days may not be long in the great scheme of things, but to my mind it is VERY long under the circumstances you describe. Careful dispassionate thought is required. I hope you make the decision which is best for you in the long term. Jay

FangsNfeet -> RE: Communication (6/30/2005 6:48:42 PM)
I don't see your situation as a waste of time. It's obvious to see that you want things to go faster than he wants. Instead of being mad at him I suggest that you relax, take a few days off from messageing him yourself, and continue to chat with him as you have been. During that time, let him know that you do want more than friends with bennifits. If it's not what he wants then atleast you know to move on. Being patient is the best thing. Repeated messages over and over in less than a week will only drive him away. I wish you the best in this endevor. For better or worse some things are best if they happened only once. Either way, I'm willing to bet the odds that he'll be feeling lonely sooner than later and will be giving you buzz.

uniquesub4u -> RE: Communication (7/1/2005 12:27:59 PM)
Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I was considering something else today. My kids have left for the summer and I am here in this big old house (actually just sold it) packing boxes mostly by myself. Although I DO need contact regularly from and with My Dom, (who ever that ends up being!!!) part of this could actually be about me be alone and a bit lonely. I am going to take a breather and go out and kayak for a couple of hours, and try to get to the beach tomorrow, and just let him make the next move, if he so chooses. He may be be worth the wait and if it is meant to be, it will be. Again thanks for everything. xoxox jj

MistressFire70 -> RE: Communication (7/1/2005 12:37:32 PM)
To me, this is a relationship issue in general. And, in my opinion, it all goes back to this self-help book I read many years ago. In it, it proposes that humans have five love languages; sex, gifts, quality time, quality talk and acts of service. For most men, but not all, the primary language is sex. For most women, but not all, the primary love language is time or talk. In the end, if he’s not willing to learn your language (and vice versa), it won’t work. And, it can’t be one-sided, even in a Ds relationship. If you work really hard to learn his language and he doesn’t learn yours in return, you will eventually have no more energy to put into the relationship and burn out. The real crappy thing about it is that you can’t MAKE someone learn your language. You can only explain to them that you need this and why you need it and the consequences of you not getting it. If you’re lucky, you partner will read the book, or at least be willing to read a summary you give him and then FOLLOW THROUGH. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1881273156/qid=1120246211/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-0666544-9743860 Better luck than I had with my ‘nilla husband! Fire

Mylee -> RE: Communication (7/1/2005 6:31:38 PM)
For me being new to this life style, I find I need praise the day after, I need to hear how I've pleased or maybe what I need to work on if I didnt get all the correction i needed while playing, not only does it keep my in a mind set for constantly being open to learning it strenghtens our bond when we come together and talk bout it the next day, I think too any sub who is new or hasent been involved in this for long, needs that much more imput, praise, re-assuring, and or critisim on a consistant basis... I cant tell you if your waisitng your time, but this is your gorwing and your journey, if your not getting everything your needing to feel fulfilled or cared for then...maybe it's time to look else where for someonemore caring..a couple of the Doms who posted before me seem to have the right idea about the constant care of a sub best wishes, my'lee

ElektraUkM -> RE: Communication (7/2/2005 4:08:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: uniquesub4u Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I was considering something else today. My kids have left for the summer and I am here in this big old house (actually just sold it) packing boxes mostly by myself. Although I DO need contact regularly from and with My Dom, (who ever that ends up being!!!) part of this could actually be about me be alone and a bit lonely. Hello uniquesub4u Perhaps you are alone and a bit lonely. But I hope you're not going to use that fact to dismiss your own feelings and condone or accept a level of personal contact with the dom that you deserve. Of course it's great to get out and 'forget' about emotional/physical needs for a while, but you still have to acknowledge your own need for the right amount of contact for you. Personally, all that aside, I think that no contact, not even an email, for 5 days is just lax and selfish. I don't care HOW 'busy' he's been, a follow-up email is just good manners! ~ Elektra

SirDiscipliner69 -> RE: Communication (7/4/2005 10:58:16 PM)
As unfortunate as it may seem sometimes real life gets in the way of whay We enjoy... Am I defending his actions? No Have I been guilty of such? Yes I might suggest that the thing to do is over a cup of coffee express your feelings and see if there is a meeting of the Minds..just like any relationship...regardless of the BDSM... Sometimes distance is a safety device that keeps from emootional hurt or onvolvement.. I know many doms can not show that side as it is considered a weakeness Yet I know many subs seeing that tender caring side do consider a breaking of the illusion of the imagery that they have projected... Sort of like the Wizard of Oz....pay no attention to that many behind the curtin.....[&:]

SirDiscipliner69 -> RE: Communication (7/4/2005 11:01:41 PM)
Communication is vital...with that you are just another player..be it physical or mental... Not so bad tho..there are many other things that are worse....

SirDiscipliner69 -> RE: Communication (7/4/2005 11:07:22 PM)
Good manners seem to be thin these days...replies to emails regardless of the intent always seem to be in need of some ackowledgement.... In general alot of people just don't respect each other... subbies think it is the entiltement and all about them and doms do the same...seems if they just treated each other the way thay wanted to be treated it would work out better... Some just aren't worth the time or investment to deal with and are better left to their own devices...to float from place to place as they have done all their lives... imho (getting off the soapbox) [8\|]

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