Who "should" initiate?

Who "should" initiate? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

curiousAngel40s -> Who "should" initiate? (8/1/2007 6:48:34 PM)
I am still fairly new and sorting out some things. I have a question. Well I have MANY questions LOL but for now will just bother you all with this ONE! I have thought that the Dominants should initiate contact. That intitiating contact would seem to be aggressive and not submissive. That submissives should be patient and not do the initial contacting. Yet I recently read some posts from Doms who say they wont initiate. That they expect a submissive that is interested in them to do the initiating and contacting. That just seems so wrong to me! So now I am confused. Is initiating aggessive and not proper, or is it expected if you are interested in a Dominant? Thank you for your help and replies.

kyraofMists -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/1/2007 6:51:58 PM)
There is no "should" when you are trying to apply it to everyone. Some dominants will prefer to be contacted, others will prefer to do the contacting and then there are even others who don't have a preference either way. Knight's Kyra

slaveish -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/1/2007 6:52:05 PM)
If his profile doesn't explicity state to NOT contact him, it's probably a good idea to speak up if you want him to notice you.

Faramir -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/1/2007 6:53:57 PM)
Like almost everything in BDSM, there is no damn rulebok. Some people have strong feelings about this issue one way or the other, abd some like myself couldn't give a rat's ass. I would suggest following your gut feelings on this. If you feel ok with contacting someone, do it, if not, wait to be contacted, knowing that will possibly lower your chance of connecting. If you are really grooving on someone, waiting for them to notice you, you might not get it.

PairOfDimes -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/1/2007 7:01:59 PM)
I don't mind it when submissives email me. I rather like it. I also don't think it's improper for a submissive to approach me in face-to-face contact. Also, it's very, very possible that the object of your desire won't know that you're interested in him or her if you don't at least flirt. I've approached more than one person to express a desire to get better acquainted, and the object of my approach said, "Oh! I was thinking about doing that myself, and hoping you would!" Well, that's very sweet, dear, but, um, you could have given me some hint! It's assertive, yes, and not passive, but passivity and submission aren't exactly the same things. For example, when you perform service, you're being active, and if you anticipate your dominant's desires, you're actually being aggressive in pursuit of serving. (Very practically, too, you're not apt to get what you want without asking for it!)

AquaticSub -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/1/2007 7:09:45 PM)
Do what is right for you. Some doms want subs to contact them and do that work. Others agree with you. It's just a personal opinion.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/1/2007 7:10:00 PM)
Whatever works for you. Try going to a pansexual event and figuring out what orientation everyone is before saying hi to anyone- you'll never say anything and look really anti-social. Everyone has to agree in the end, so who starts it tends to be rather irrelevant to me.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/1/2007 7:13:58 PM)
I intiate often. I have subs contact me often as well. Either way works. If you are going to contact a Dominant first, make sure you have actally read what they are looking for, and dont cut and paste, which is one of our major gripes. You will get some interest, but a lot of the contact you will be getting wont necessarly be from parties that interest you. If you find someone interesting, say hi. Whats the worst that will happen? They wont respond and you wont be any worse off. Nothing ventured nothing lost... DV

mstrjx -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/1/2007 7:29:13 PM)
For what it's worth, this is 'my' you-knee-queue perspective. I used to be on another similar site. I used to initiate contact a lot. Not much came of it. I drew a reasonable amount of attention for a guy, but many of those women were 'of a type' that I wasn't interested in. I joined CM, and roundabout that same time decided I wanted to work on some personal things and not initiate. (I did a few times, but those were to women who averaged 100 responses a day. I 'might' be 'all that', but I don't do much to make it known.) I still received attention, probably more than my fair share, but I was too busy trying to accomplish my own things. In March I received an email, and was reasonably close to dismissing it. Not ready. Maybe never, who knows. But I was more curious about this one than anyone before. In years. It turns out she didn't 'want' to initiate, but saw from my posts that I wasn't going to, so she gave it a shot. It's not like she kept up the pressure, the 'wooing'. Once I knew I was interested I did fairly well take over pacing the relationship. This coming Sunday I'm moving to live with her. Because she initiated, and I was (thankfully) open-minded enough to hear what she had to say. Roles, personas, what you wish to call them, have nothing to do with who 'zooms' who. It's about being ready and in the right place at the right time. Being the right person helps a lot as well. Jeff

octavia -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/1/2007 7:47:30 PM)
I'm a damn loud mouth. I initiate all the time. [8D] The good news is... I am ok being a loud mouth and therefor those Dom's that I emailed who never responded, were not good fits anyway. Who knows why.. could be the loudmouth thing, the drama queen thing, the..... [:D] The point is, be yourself and you will attract those people who like you. [;)] PS. the "who's viewed me" feature here is a nice subtle way for someone to express interest if they happen to not be a loud mouth. People can tell who is visiting their profile... every day... or every... hour. [8\|]

MasterJBK -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/1/2007 9:05:17 PM)
I prefer to be contacted but that is just me. I tend to get a long better with slaves that contact me. I seem desperate if i contact a slave.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/1/2007 9:10:08 PM)
I almost never hit on a submissive, I let them come to me. I may lay the groundwork but for ME, it works much better to lure them in but let them step into the trap. The problem with that approach is many women see that as passive but the ones I want, have enough experience to realize the forward ones are often the bdsm equivelent of bar flies and then they learn to look for other qualities. My woman contacted me, I would never have even sent her a message since she is normally a dominant.

Archer -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/1/2007 9:37:56 PM)
Add another one to the usually waits. I figure the women on here that interest me are already swamped with hundreds of offers and don't want to risk mine being tossed out with the rest of the messages. So I mostly figure when they get through with the deluge of messages, they'll either get around to my profile and be interested or I'll miss out. Since I have the luxury of already having a slave, I can afford to use the wait and see what comes along.

Focus50 -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/2/2007 3:56:49 AM)
I had to learn the hard way that taking the time and trouble to write sincere mail to a fem/sub of interest rarely even prompted a one word reply. And since I'm not currently looking, I don't bother anymore.... But if I were ISO, I'm equally comfortable about who initiates. To me, it's not about who's Dom or sub but that we're both mature adults probably seeking the same thing from our opposite perspectives. If I find you first, I'll write without expectation of a reply but if you find me, I WILL reply in a respectful and candid manner and we go from there. But you've gotta make more effort than a simple "hi".... Focus.

SeeksOnlyOne -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/2/2007 4:14:34 AM)
i never initiate. i guess its because im a fat chick, and for so many thats an instant no way....so i wait to hear from the man.......at least then i know they have seen my pic and profile(in most cases lol). i used to initiate contact, but found it frustrating to get back a nasty email about my weight....im happy and content, and working to get healthier, but it still got to me. luckily, im patient, and figure things happen when its time for them to happen....in the mean time, i just keep on living and laughing.... good luck finding what you seek.....

biracalsub4wmDom -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/2/2007 5:28:10 AM)
this is a great thread for those of us who are new. thanks for starting this one curiousangel40s

CreativeDominant -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/2/2007 7:59:36 AM)
Count me in as one who it does not matter to. I have been contacted by submissives and I have contacted submissives initially. I actually find it flattering that someone has expressed an interest first.

LaTigresse -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/2/2007 8:05:21 AM)
I am an either or. I may initiate contact but not really with any intent of anything other than a hello. Usually because I have seen or read something I appreciate, not with any expectations of them falling at my feet. But then I don't have any great expectations of the internet anyway.

grlneedstolearn -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/2/2007 4:01:54 PM)
i prefer to contact Doms first

KiandPhoenix -> RE: Who "should" initiate? (8/2/2007 6:41:33 PM)
As far as who should contact first though, remember that you are for all intents and purposes interviewing each other. Therefore they are not you dom/domme yet, and you don’t know there protocols. If they don’t want a message then they need to put it on there profile. Some things else to note. I am new to this site, but have been on others. I do find that the longer the initial message the less likely I am to get a reply. When I was on a poly site I had a standard opening of two sentences, and got about a 90% reply rate. The long messages I wrote I got almost nothing. I found that if a message is long the recipient wont take time to read it. The short message just let them take a look at my profile, and if they were interested they would let me know. At that point it where 10 page e-mails started going back and forth. At one point I was chatting with more than ten people at the same time, mostly as friends. I only had 4 people ever contact me first.

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

4.296875E-02