Day to Day Inner Struggles

Day to Day Inner Struggles (Full Version)

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ACryFromTheSoul -> Day to Day Inner Struggles (8/1/2007 6:59:02 PM)
There is a missing component in my life that I can't add. I find without a dominant I tend to bounce off walls emotionally and mentally... I can't ground myself, contain or stabilize everything all at once. (Mind you, it does not mean I am not successful or that I can't handle what life throws at me... since I can and do) But I was wondering does anyone else feels a bit lost without having a dominant in their lives? Do you ever feel slightly out of sorts because you can't fully provide your own day to day structure? Do you ever get frustrated? thanks.

slaveish -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (8/1/2007 7:04:26 PM)
The only struggle I had without a Dominant was not recognizing the empty place I kept trying to fill with alcohol, drugs, and promiscuity was submission. Once it was brought to my attention, I was ok. I would like to be in a D/s dynamic but since I'm not at the moment I have plenty to keep me occupied. I do not dwell on "finding the perfect man" because that's the wrong focus since no one wants to be someone else's everything.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (8/1/2007 7:08:48 PM)
Most people have periods of bouncing off walls when they don't feel stable, or like they are "where they should be." Nothing really to do with Ds. And you move on and create the stability you need...or become an adult who can't handle adult life.

Saint -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (8/1/2007 7:18:25 PM)
A bit lost, yes. Everyday in fact, but once you stop dwelling on it and just accept that what is is then its not so bad. Some of us just learn to accept that we are fated to be alone and to dwell upon what you want or need is only negative to your own wellbeing. So just bear down, accept that this is the way things are, stop dwelling on it so much and you will find that the days will soon become weeks, the weeks become months and the months become years and before you know it, it wont bother you anymore.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (8/4/2007 12:01:16 PM)
Yes. I am a slave who needs a Master. I was lost without one. I could function. I could perform well at work and make a living and get through my days just fine. But I always felt unsettled and anxious. My spirit felt lost. So I know what you are speaking of. When it is within your nature to submit yet you do not have a place in which to be yourself - to be true to yourself - then it is perfectly natural to feel unsteady on your feet. I must serve, and must submit fully. If I can't, then I am as unfulled as a pianist who can not play, as a ball player injured who is benched, as a speaker who has lost his voice. In such situations you are forced to find other areas of your life in which to gain fulfillment - hobbies and such - and for me, while I could still be a healthy, funcitoning, and even relatively happy person, I would always feel the void of that missing component you are speaking of.

BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (8/4/2007 12:03:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie Yes. I am a slave who needs a Master. I was lost without one. I could function. I could perform well at work and make a living and get through my days just fine. But I always felt unsettled and anxious. My spirit felt lost. So I know what you are speaking of. When it is within your nature to submit yet you do not have a place in which to be yourself - to be true to yourself - then it is perfectly natural to feel unsteady on your feet. I must serve, and must submit fully. If I can't, then I am as unfulled as a pianist who can not play, as a ball player injured who is benched, as a speaker who has lost his voice. In such situations you are forced to find other areas of your life in which to gain fulfillment - hobbies and such - and for me, while I could still be a healthy, funcitoning, and even relatively happy person, I would always feel the void of that missing component you are speaking of. Ditto.

BeingChewsie -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (8/4/2007 1:40:05 PM)
quote: But I always felt unsettled and anxious I'll second that.

revea -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (9/3/2007 11:13:51 AM)
How to stop thinking of it? It hurts really badly...

BitaTruble -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (9/3/2007 11:42:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ACryFromTheSoul There is a missing component in my life that I can't add. I find without a dominant I tend to bounce off walls emotionally and mentally... I can't ground myself, contain or stabilize everything all at once. (Mind you, it does not mean I am not successful or that I can't handle what life throws at me... since I can and do) But I was wondering does anyone else feels a bit lost without having a dominant in their lives? Do you ever feel slightly out of sorts because you can't fully provide your own day to day structure? Do you ever get frustrated? thanks. One of the hardest things to do is to learning to cope without something you feel you 'need' to thrive and, unfortunatly, there's really nothing that fills that chink except getting what you need. Oh sure, you can take on some hobbies, perform service as a volunteer, hell, even put yourself into bondage or create pain for yourself, but it's not the same. At best, it's a temporary reprieve where you do something to fool your subconscience into believing it's getting fullfillment but eventually that breaks down and you're in the same place you always were. I wish I had a magic answer for you, but there isn't one. Some days you'll just have to accept that the best you can do is survive and then hope for the day where you're able to thrive because you're getting what you need. What I would suggest is to keep the faith, keep working on 'you' and behave and act as you believe your future partner would wish for you to behave and act. Be yourself and do the things you would do as if they were already in your life and that person who will become your dominant will be able to recognize you instantly when they see you. Celeste

BitbyThorn -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (9/3/2007 12:33:35 PM)
Subs, please, think outside the box here. Although it is not what you first might think of when you say you are "missing" something without the service in submission if you think of others instead of yourself, learn the meaning of selfless submission and find a place to volunteer your time (be it at a church, homeless shelter a nursing home or something equally creative) you’ll find the service need filled beyond your wildest imagination and you will have gained more of what you are now “missing” from service. That and it will actually mean something other than just the superficial the pleasure of a Dom.

bandit25 -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (9/3/2007 12:37:15 PM)
That's kinda what I was thinking too. It may not be the same, but you'll be providing a service to those who really need one.

gypsygrl -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (9/3/2007 12:41:31 PM)
Yes, yes, and more yes. And then some yeses added on top. I call it the problem of 'empty time' as the problem of 'structure', for me, has a temporal dimension. Time stretches out endlessly for me, and if I think too much about it, I get really distressed. I worry a lot about how to 'fill time,' in an existential sense, not literal. Sometimes, I feel like I live in a vaccuum of infinite time that will never be filled. I've often relied on others to help me structure my day, though, I've figured out a few things I can do so I'm not quite so dependant. This keeps me functional in the absense of a D-type though I'm much happier with one and a lot less anxious. This, contra LA, doesn't make me any less able to deal with the contingencies of life. It just points to the fact that D/s fulfills certain, somewhat obscure, psychological needs. (Actually, I love the contingencies of life: unplanned, unanticipated events make time fly by.) When I'm on my own, I stay busy and plan, plan, plan. I plan to do twice as much as I'll ever accomplish on the assumption that its always better to have something left uncrossed out on my to do list. That way I have something for tomorrow. I keep pick up projects around, things I can work on as I have time but can drop whenever. They're great time-fillers. I keep regular sleep hours because it makes the day go faster if I know when I'm going to bed. I also tend to go to bed early, because it makes the day seem shorter. Though, I'm careful not to oversleep because I don't want to risk not being able to sleep the next night. And, I take two hours to wake up every morning, making sure I get up before others. I've often recruited others to help me in my struggle with time. I'm sure this is part of the attraction of D/s as being able to focus on a dominant presense helps me forget time. Having tasks helps me structure my day, even when I'm not physically with the dominant. It also means I'm not the only one adding things to my to-do list. I'm pretty good at following orders, not just because I'm especially eager to please (though that's certainly a factor) but also because I have this vague fear that if I don't follow the order, the other will stop giving them leaving me to come up with things to do myself. If things are good, as they are now, I can actually let go a bit feeling secure in the knowledge that even if I'm not the one actively structuring things, they will get structured. Its a bit hard to explain, but I thought I'd share.

BitaTruble -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (9/3/2007 1:39:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitbyThorn Subs, please, think outside the box here. Although it is not what you first might think of when you say you are "missing" something without the service in submission if you think of others instead of yourself, learn the meaning of selfless submission and find a place to volunteer your time (be it at a church, homeless shelter a nursing home or something equally creative) you’ll find the service need filled beyond your wildest imagination and you will have gained more of what you are now “missing” from service. That and it will actually mean something other than just the superficial the pleasure of a Dom. That is service, true, but it's service without power and that's not at all the same thing. Some hungers cannot be fed without it and noble as it is, trotting down to the local food bank and dishing up soup isn't going to cut it in the long term. Celeste

BitbyThorn -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (9/3/2007 2:27:54 PM)
In the long run people have to learn be responsible and meet their own needs. Cause lets face it relationships are temporal so putting all ones' needs on another person is not much more than a way for a person not to take responsibility for themselves.. Of course cock worship is so much easier and pleasurable and takes much less effort than using submission and service in an arena that will actually benefit those in real need. Frankly I am sort of sick of subs using the 'I'm not owned' excuse to remain mizzerable when there are viable options available to them to fill their needs. That and the denial they allow themselves to live in. For f**cks sake there is more to life than serving a dominant.

BitaTruble -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (9/3/2007 2:47:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitbyThorn Frankly I am sort of sick of subs using the 'I'm not owned' excuse to remain mizzerable when there are viable options available to them to fill their needs. That and the denial they allow themselves to live in. For f**cks sake there is more to life than serving a dominant. Those options might be viable for you, but they're not going to be viable for everyone otherwise, we'd all be vanilla. If you're sick of submissives who don't feel the same way as you, then don't engage with them. They're not hurting you and no one is forcing you to read their words, listen to their phone calls or allow them to cry on your shoulder. ::shrugs:: For 'you' there might be more to life than serving a dominant. For some, it's all they desire. Some need a bit more, some need a bit less. It's still a 'need' and it's filled in the ways in which someone believes it's best for them to fill it. Celeste

AquaticSub -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (9/3/2007 2:50:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ACryFromTheSoul There is a missing component in my life that I can't add. I find without a dominant I tend to bounce off walls emotionally and mentally... I can't ground myself, contain or stabilize everything all at once. (Mind you, it does not mean I am not successful or that I can't handle what life throws at me... since I can and do) But I was wondering does anyone else feels a bit lost without having a dominant in their lives? I feel lonely without an owner or a partner, but not really lost. quote: Do you ever feel slightly out of sorts because you can't fully provide your own day to day structure? Out of sorts yes, but I am fully capable of providing my day to day structure. I'm not the best, but I manage. quote: Do you ever get frustrated? Yes, I did.

BitbyThorn -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (9/3/2007 3:06:17 PM)
A need, literally? OK I wasn't attacking you really; I just like to present actual o-p-t-i-o-n-s and possible s-o-l-u-t-i-o-n-s. And duh one size doesn't fit all (thats why I said "or something equally creative") So, your position is that you think it's better to remain stuck in sadness, frustration, mizzery rather than attempt to fill a missing "need" ? I'll not back down from my position here because in my eyes empowered and enlightened subs well the're hot! :)

BitaTruble -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (9/3/2007 4:31:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitbyThorn A need, literally? OK I wasn't attacking you really; I just like to present actual o-p-t-i-o-n-s and possible s-o-l-u-t-i-o-n-s. And duh one size doesn't fit all (thats why I said "or something equally creative") So, your position is that you think it's better to remain stuck in sadness, frustration, mizzery rather than attempt to fill a missing "need" ? I'll not back down from my position here because in my eyes empowered and enlightened subs well the're hot! :) 'Need to thrive' as opposed to 'need to survive', so yes, literally. I actually gave both my opinion and my ideas in another post on this thread. I think you'll be hard pressed to draw a conclusion that I suggested one dwell in misery from what I've written in this thread or any other during my tenure on these boards. I have no issue agreeing to disagree with you. I believe your suggestion might be helpful to some people. I also believe that such is a short term solution and won't work in the long run. As far as attacking 'me' personally, I certainly didn't take it that way at all. No harm, no foul as far as I'm concerned. I do think you post a bit aggessively, but no more so than plenty of others here and quite a bit tamer than many. Whether or not I think your words have value to me, personally, will be told with time. If they do, I'll continue to read them and respond when I think I should. If I don't find them of value to me, I have zero issues with passing them by because there are a good number of people whose words are of great value to me and I enjoy debate and commaderie with them on these boards and, in some cases, off line as well. I invite you to draw your own conclusions as to my posting style and engage and debate with me at your will .. or don't. It's up to you. Celeste

curiouspet55 -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (9/3/2007 5:04:58 PM)
Put simply, yes. While, as you said, I can manage my life and handle it and I am successful, I can't ever get to a certain level of groundedness, because I'm not expressing my submissive side. You're not alone - unfortunately, I think it just comes with the territory. cp55

littlebitxxx -> RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles (9/5/2007 4:06:17 PM)
Having discovered the D/s life, when I was without it I did indeed feel like something was missing. Vanilla guys and dating just couldn't cut it anymore. I joined the local bdsm community and found solace in being with others of my kind, got my regular beating fix and just generally fit in. Not having a Dom of my own hurt like crazy, especially watching the other couples, but I used the time and company to learn more about this life choice and myself in the bargain. I found I don't need to be a submissive to anyone but I would prefer it as a want.

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