RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (Full Version)

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Missokyst -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/3/2007 6:00:13 PM)

I always viewed it as a lure.
"I will push your limits."  (usually said when they have no clue what your limits are.)
"I will make you grow."  (grow in what?)
"I will push you beyond your comfort zone."
"You will learn you can endure more."

Umm... My limits are hard.  I have no soft limits, only things which are negotiable within the activity and the person I am with. 
I think people tell you those things more often than not because they have heard other people say them, and it seems like a neato cool catch phrase you can use that will make the sub swoon and want you.  I don't know about the rest of you, but life can be hard.  Pain happens.  Things do not always work out for us.  And guess what?  We learn to deal.  Learing from life is growth.  Getting beat does make some light dawn in our heads that tells us, "YES!  I CAN SURVIVE THIS HARDSHIP (in life) because I was able to take a hard beating.
No.  You can develop a higher tolerance for pain.  But really, how does that translate to life?  I am a pretty comfortable masochist but when I had to live through 7 months of a colicky child, it was no easier because I knew how to take a belt.
"Testing limits, learning to grow, become more sub."  What it really looks like to me is that someone saw it on the internet and they have learned people will buy it.
Play is play.  I would like it a lot more if instead of pushing my limits, someone outright told me, "I am a sadist and I want to see tears."  Don't fluff it by telling me you are testing my limits.  Especially if they have no clue what those limits might be.
Kyst



MadRabbit -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/3/2007 8:57:30 PM)

S/M is not really my thing so "pushing limits" in the general definition of a scene or play doesnt really apply to my dynamics.

Since the issue of "going too far" isnt as much of a concern as it would be with a dominant who was also a sadist/Top, I have a much simpler definition for my relationships.

Limits : What someone doesnt want to do
Boundaries : What someone cant do.

I have no issues pushing limits. Its boundaries I dont want to cross.

Of course, this is a very short and overly simplistic explanation of something very complex, but hope it at least conveys a general idea of how I look at things.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/3/2007 9:49:50 PM)

Ugh Mad, I always dislike adding new jargon with crowbar separations. 



lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/4/2007 12:12:15 AM)

well when i have my limits pusshed just means to me being pushed a little further tords the edge like if i am into light to medium pain then it will try and be pusdhed up to high inpact one day :) 
but for me i am into and love pain even though i joke around with one when i play and say oh no i am very light pain tolerance well Like tonight Ms Maria knew that i was kidding and if i sayd owie then that would just mean harder and i love inpact play very much
even got to bleed a little tonight with one of the floggers and the chain flogger was very nice ;)
well this is what i call pushing limits :)
 
ross.g



MadRabbit -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/4/2007 5:19:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Ugh Mad, I always dislike adding new jargon with crowbar separations. 


Oh well. The definitions were ones I stole from KoM and because I thought the way he explained it made a lot more sense with a lot more clarifity. The word "limits" is used in such a jumble of tangents and various perspectives that reading discussions on "limits" is quite painful at least for me.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/4/2007 8:22:59 AM)

Well so is "slave" but that's no reason to start bringing up new words to substitute and have new need for explanations.



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/5/2007 9:10:15 PM)

i think it comes down to what type limits.. there are personal limites.. then relationship limits. or dynamics.



Jasmyn -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/5/2007 9:58:37 PM)

I see limitations as opposed to limits ... pushing boundaries, pushing their limitations ... allows them to experience that which they fear ...safely ... secure in the knowledge ...I'll push but not break ... trust is a beautiful thing



ownedgirlie -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/5/2007 11:40:04 PM)

Weird.  I  posted, but now it's gone, so I'll try it again.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
What does "Pushing someone's limits" mean for you?

 
He decides what my limits are, what will be expanded and when.  So to "push" those limits means he is expanding me further to where he wants me to go, when he thinks I am ready to go there.  Developing me and helping me see my own capabilities is a strong part of his pleasure in me, and I won't tend to see what he wants me to see if I always remain in my comfort zone.

quote:


Do you think someone needs to tell you if they are going to do it before-hand, or do you consider it to be their/Your "right" to practice this anytime?


It is my Master's right to practice this any time.  However, since he has no interest in pushing me over the edge, he typically makes sure I am ready for whatever is to come, before it comes.  This doesn't mean I am told when it's coming, it just means that whenever it does, I'm ready for it.





leafwood -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/6/2007 2:14:33 AM)

To me a hard limit is something that, for whatever reason, a Dominant does not have permission to do and a soft limit is something that the submissive isn’t sure if he/she will enjoy doing.

For me limits have always depended on the person I was with. I had a very strict set of hard limits for the first Dom I ever scened with for various reasons. He challenged some and other’s he knew he could not touch.

It is the same with my Master now. He knows what my hard limits are, and thankfully they aren’t something He’s into either, so He doesn’t attempt to push them. He also knew what my soft limits were and found a way to gently ease away my fear about such things so that I could surpass those limits.

To me pushing limits is all about helping a submissive or slave to grow, to gain new experiences, and to go beyond what he/she thought he/she was capable of.

My Master challenges my behaviors, attitude, and actions in order to help me become a more well rounded person. For example when we first met I was always speaking poorly of myself and I was comfortable in that mind frame and I wouldn’t let anyone tell me otherwise. With the use of a single command (“never speak poorly of yourself around Me”) I was forced to accept what He thought of me and as a result He slowly began to change my mind frame. This made me a better person. I use this as an example of “pushing limits” because He forced me out of my comfort zone. So I believe that pushing of soft limits (both sexual and nonsexual) is done to help the submissive become a better person or discover new things they enjoy or in some cases discover that a soft limit should become a hard limit.

leafwood



RavenMuse -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/6/2007 4:05:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

What does the phrase "Pushing someone's (BDSM) limits" mean for you?


First of the answer needs to be set in context of the Dynamic. My primary dynamic is M/s, TPE, Ownership and isn't really applicable to a sub/Dom Dynamic where the girl holds that responcibility.

In My Dynamic the responcibility is Mine. she doesn't set those limits.... *I* do, they are not *her* limits they are Mine and they are based upon My duty of care. I am clear from the outset that I will hurt but that I am VERY careful not to cause HARM and that isn't just talking physical harm.

I take time to find out where the girl thinks are areas that might cause her harm, especialy in regard to phobias where they may not even be 'logical' and it is ongoing in that I watch for signs and reactions that are contrary to what I am expecting IF things are still remaining in 'non-harmful' territory or are heading into dangerous waters. It is MY responcibility to not disregard such signs.

The only use for a safeword I give My girl is if she thinks I maybe missed such a sign, she thinks she is about to take harm... the safeword is a safety net but it is My vigelance that is relied on, not that safety net.

In that context how do I regard "Pushing her limits".... frankly, exploration. Unknown and untried areas where the reactions expected are mearly theoretical and not proven. They are carefully worked towards, extended and observed, watching for signs that We maybe moving toward harmful territory before moveing further if those signs are not there. This can be exploration in terms of taking something already indulged in further than prieviously or indeed and entirely new area. It also extends into areas outside of BDSM play, introducing a shy nervious girl into a crowded social circle for instance is 'pushing her limits' just as much as pushing further on the length and hardness of a flogging than she has gone before or introducing her to My violet wand for her first experience of electroplay.



DarkWriter -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/6/2007 5:59:01 AM)

Limits are indeed static boundaries, but they also offer areas for growth and discovery. This is why it is vital for the Dom and sub to really know each other. The pushing of at least some limits is something that most subs are eventually ready for, but it takes time, care, finesse and--dare I say the T-Word--TRUST. I know one sub who sadly came to me after she had a really bad anal "play" scene. It had been a "casual" play encounter with someone she knew but not well enough to chart new territory with. She felt raped, she felt utterly violated and she felt like a failure. I was able to take my time with her and eventually she came to accept anal play--for she was determined to conquer this if only for herself--but that experience forever darkened that area of her sexuality.

That said, I would say that unless those involved have a SOLID relationship where there is a very high level of trust, just think of limits as barbed wire fences and stay off of them.  



agirl -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/6/2007 10:44:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

What does the phrase "Pushing someone's (BDSM) limits" mean for you? (whether you are a Dominant , or a submissive.?

In my relationship it probably means being taken somewhere I haven't yet been, or extending the limit of my experiences.


**I am just not too clear on what the word "Push" means - does it mean violate? Increase someone's capacity to tolerate pain or discomfort? Or what? Maybe I am "hair-splitting" - but this whole topic area really has me thinking, for some reason.

I wouldn't get too bound up in one word, really.  I *push* my children to do things that they aren't comfortable with and wouldn't do, left to themselves. I don't view it as a violation, no. It could be called stretching, or exploring or extending.......etc.


Do you think someone needs to tell you if they are going to do it before-hand, or do you consider it to be their/Your "right" to practice this anytime?

Yes, it's M's *right*. We don't discuss limits, boundaries and *pushing*. It all happens very naturally. He has a free rein.

agirl







-Susan



CreativeDominant -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/6/2007 12:07:48 PM)

I can't say it much better than others on here have noted.

When I have played casually, I did not push limits other than soft and never even those on the first time with someone.

When I was in a long term relationship, I pushed soft limits and some hard ones, much in the same way that mstrjx did/does.  If someone tells me that they have a hard limit on something and all our conversations point to a slightly contradictory stance, then I may or may not push.  I always push gently and patiently and if we end up not going there, we don't go there.

After having lived the number of years I have, there are things I would love to see happen in my life...but if they don't I really don't think I will be worse off for not having experienced them.



TheChastiser -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/6/2007 3:02:09 PM)

to me, pushing limits means just that. pushing against an established boundary. this is not always a bad thing.

within a relationship that has progressed, so that knowlege of the individual is such; a boundary can be carefully pushed to increase an experience or sensation. the use of safewords can be useful here, if such exist within the relationship. as long as a limit isnt pushed too far, and ultimatly, both are comfortable with the result, it can increase a learning curve.

however, the other extreme here, is if a limit is pushed either too early, or is in fact a no go area (set by preference or perhaps health issues), then this can be destructive to a relationship. again, knowledge of the individual is important here.

i think limits need to be understood, so that, they can be recognised as either a temporary stay on an activity, or something that is indeed a hard limit and something not to be transgressed. something can be a limit at a particular time remember, say during pregnancy for example.

as an addition to this, one must recognise that even within an M/s relationship, there are limits, as the posession is governed by the limits of the owner.

Mike



Rose4Mistress -> RE: "Pushing someone's limits" - What Does This Mean For You? (8/6/2007 4:47:22 PM)

Limits definitely mean different things to different people.  For me, a limit is something I am not interested/not willing to do.  These limits could possibly change in the future, as there are very few things I can honestly say I will NEVER do.
However, one of my current limits is anal sex.  I am not interested in it, it looks painful, why use that hole when there are two other readily available and willing holes, etc etc etc.  The reasons are silly, perhaps, but it is still a limit for me.  If my boyfriend were to try to "test" this limit by shoving himself in there, play time would come to a screeching halt and I would be pissed.  However, he "tests" his limit by touching me gently there, and by keeping his hand there to make me more comfortable being touched in that area.




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