julietsierra
Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
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I don't think you have to wait till you're older, but I do think you have a much harder row to hoe. If you don't mind, I'll give you the advice I gave my son who is 23. I don't mean to be condescending whatsoever. Adjust it to fit your situation. I only know his.
I said:
There is nothing wrong with discovering what that first touch of someone's hand feels like. There's nothing wrong with enjoying spending time with someone, watching them laugh, developing friendships.
You're going to have to do that on your own terms, but even if you can't do this or that with them, (whether it's because you're not ready or they're not ready) there's whole bunches you can do.
This life is 90% mental and 10% physical. Explore the mental.
Unfortunately for you, girls your age are generally behaving appropriately when they are developing their independence. They can't give to you what they don't have, so look at it as they are in the process of developing what they will eventually give to you. Help them with that where you can without getting so involved that you don't let them do the work they need to do for themselves.
When you're looking for girls who will go along with the way you live, your'e going to have to realize you're different. That means that while all the other guys are flocking to this pretty one and that vivacious one, you're going to have to look for those who are different. Generally - and I do mean VERY generally, you're going to find out that when you are looking for someone who will accept and embrace the kind of life you want to live, you're going to have to realize that a) she'll probably be vanilla and b) she's NOT going to stand out in the crowd. She's going to be the quiet one who is along for the ride but doesn't make decisions. She's going to be the one that you initially see as possibly even having no backbone. And you're going to find that a lot of these girls that seem to have no backbone, really don't. But every once in a while, you're going to find someone who does - and she's going to be someone you should take a hard look at. If you get caught up in the twenty-something process of thinking "she's not REAL pretty, remember, women don't really develop that beauty till later (ok, model quality notwithstanding)
There are some very fortunate young ladies who know themselves well enough to know that this life is what they want. Most of the time though, precisely because of what they will become, they are still trying to do what their folks want them to do, act the way they've been taught to act and generally are just following some script someone else has provided them with. For you to get past that, it's going to take some work, some dedication to the process on your part and a willingness to walk away when you see whoever that girl is, isn't "getting it."
As far as the physical end of things, that too is going to have to go slowly. Again, she is living how someone else has told her it "should be." She still has pictures from Bride's Magazine rolling around in her head, complete with cute houses and all that stuff. It's part fantasy and part her age. You are coming to her with your own version and it's going to come into conflict with those "should be" things. Consequently, you can't tell her all she's ever known is wrong. You have to be strong enough, and patient enough, and compassionate enough to convince her to willingly - of her own accord - walk away from much of what she's been taught. If you can't be or do all these things, you're going to fall more than a few times.
Falling is good though. Each time you fall, you learn something more for the next time.
However, if you search only for those who already embrace the things you want, the search is going to be long and difficult and you're going to meet more than a few who only want to walk the walk because they think it will keep you. You're going to have to develop the ability to look past all that to see who actually means what they say, and only time will help you with that.
Don't rush into anything - even if the girl you meet seems to be all you've been searching for. Give her and you and your relationship TIME. Don't push the development along. Let it unfold. Let it happen naturally. With time, you'll see more of her than she is even aware of herself. With time, people become more of what they always were, so always always give yourself time.
Because more than likely you're going to find someone who's never heard of this or even contemplated it before, you're going to have to go even slower in the physical things you do. These girls are young and they all come with fathers who are still very prominent in their lives. Be aware of that. Don't ignore it. They're not going to tell their dads that they had sex with the guy down the hall at the dorm, but they sure will tell him that they were over at some guy's room and that the guy hit them, so be careful. Start slow...the lighthearted things. Always leave them an out until they are so far in that they can't even contemplate out. Be confident in yourself and your abilities. That will convince her of far more than most anything else that you do.
Don't compromise your ethics. You have standards of behavior that you will and will not accept. Understand that if you tell someone something straight up from the beginning and then they go against that, you can keep on trying to get them to do what you want or you can understand that they aren't going to listen to you anyway. Make your decisions from there. You can always give her another chance. However, if this is something that is VERY important from you, and you've explained why, then you're going to have to make a decision as to whether you stay or not. But as your mother, I'd tell you don't compromise. When you do, it becomes easier to compromise on the next step and then the next until the very thing you never wanted is what you have. If you decide to walk away, do just that. Walk away. Tell her face to face that this isn't going to work. Tell her why and then turn around and walk away. And yes, know that she WILL cry. The problem with girls and tears is that as a guy, you can't tell if they're tears of sadness or tears simply designed to get you to come back. Often in the heat of the moment, the girl herself doesn't know either. If it helps you, then just think of it as her eyes are leaking and keep walking. Mean what you say, say what you mean, and leave it at that.
It IS possible to find what you're looking for. I WISH I'd known then what I know now. I WISH someone had been strong enough and wise enough and patient enough to see me when I was your age. At the same time, I had a lot I needed to do before I was grown up enough to do what I do now. It takes time and it takes maturity and unfortunately, both of those things are working against you at 23. It doesn't matter what your experiences are because in finding someone at your age, it's their maturty that matters. You already know where you stand. They have to discover where they stand. If you do it right, they may discover that with you."
Anyway, that was the upshot of my conversation with my son. Don't know if that helps at all and it's probably more than you wanted to know, but hey... get a mom to talk and generally you just have to wait her out till she shuts up. (that's another piece of advice I gave my son. Only I told him that when he was 15.)
juliet
< Message edited by julietsierra -- 8/4/2007 6:11:16 AM >
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