Pressure to share? (Full Version)

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suggababy23 -> Pressure to share? (8/4/2007 7:30:39 PM)

Evening everyone!

I have a question I have been exploring for sometime now. I think this question is geared more toward single submissives than those who are in a relationship.

Lately I have been browsing ads from several different Dom/mes and I have noticed an overwhelming number of them have primary relationships that are already in exisitance (ie, spouce, gf/bf, other sub, etc) and are looking  for another. Or I have started talking to people to discover later that there is someone else in the picture. I am not a person who is big on the idea of sharing my Dom. I thought I might enjoy a poly relationship one day but as I am now, I would like to be with a Dominant who can devote their time and attention to just me.  When I explain this to some, I have been told its a selfish thought and not conducive to being a submissive. That the focus of the submissive is to please the Dominant.

So I guess my question is, are there others who have experienced this? Who feel like there is a pressure to share a Dominant with someone else? It seems to me like sharing is more a commonplace than not. How does everyone else view this?

Thanks so much,
sugga



cuddleheart50 -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/4/2007 7:36:49 PM)

Don't let anyone tell you that you are being selfish.  If you don't want to share, then find someone who doesnt want to share either.  And, believe me, they are out there.  Never settle for what you want.  And dont let anyone guilt you into something you dont want.



julietsierra -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/4/2007 7:46:58 PM)

You'll find what you need out there. Sharing or not sharing, relationships are just tough sometimes. If you don't feel that at this time, you're ready to deal with the sharing side of things, then make that part of the criteria you need. Far too many relationship that are otherwise good fall apart because people are expected (and often guilted into, and even more often, drift into out of sheer desperation) to do something that they're not ready or possibly may not even be able to manage.

When I hear the song and dance about "you must not be submissive enough" or "you're being selfish (this is a personal favorite of mine), I simply remind myself of the number of used car dealers I've met in my time.

Not being submissive enough nearly always translates into "not submissive enough FOR YOU" and being selfish can be a very good thing, so I guess I'd develop a thick skin and start meeting a couple of people that you might simply want to play with until the right person comes along.

juliet



LafayetteLady -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/4/2007 7:51:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: suggababy23

When I explain this to some, I have been told its a selfish thought and not conducive to being a submissive. That the focus of the submissive is to please the Dominant.



Sadly there are those ignorant morons out there who feel that being a bully is a good way to get someone to agree with them.  I think of it this way, if this person is already belittling your views, if you DID choose to enter into that kind of relationship, what else would you be bullied into doing just to prove you are submissive enough?



somethingnew -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/4/2007 8:10:05 PM)

I so understand the dilemma of to share or not to share.  I have found a connection with a Dom who is poly and i am exploring, yet struggling with the relationship.  However, i find myself drawn to this Dom and His primary, we'll see how it turns out, but for now W/we are exploring the relationship.  I think the difference is that He has not pressured me at all, and for that and the fact that His primary is someone i would be great friends with under different circumstances, i am compelled to see if this is something that would work for me.

Otherwise, anyone who pressures or accuses someone of not being "whatever enough" is not a true Dom, just a bully imho



Elea -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/4/2007 9:11:27 PM)

I agree with all of the previous posters.  If it isn't comfortable or appealing - don't do it!

Ultimately if you compromise on something as big as this, you'll end up feeling like you did so to yourself, and the relationships will suffer because of it.

Quite honestly it is a far, far better thing to be single and happy then stuck in a relationship that makes you miserable or worse yet causes you to suffer.



arayofsunshine55 -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/4/2007 9:23:06 PM)

I am involved with a man I share.  It was not what I orinally sought.  In fact he was the play thing on the side.  And he was smart enough to package himself as such and then go with the flow.  Someone who tells you are being selfish in himself being selfish.  And would be for me incompatible for numerous reasons.  You want what you want.  And that is really fine.



littlesarbonn -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/4/2007 9:25:02 PM)

I've learned that when you are interested in something like a one on one relationship without other attachments, those who are interested in you will often go out of their way to belittle your desires because they're interested in you and don't want you to turn them away. If you feel one way, then you're the only one who has to answer to yourself.

I'm personally not interested in seeing a dominant woman who is attached to someone else. If the perfect, already attached mistress came along, well, I might consider her, but I'd probably be a lot more dismissive than if she was single. That's because that's my choice.

You have the right to desire whatever it is you want to desire.



Celeste43 -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/4/2007 9:42:01 PM)

If you know that you want to be in a monogamous relationship, then why on earth would you agree to enter into something that by definition would not meet your needs? That would be just plain foolish.

As far as those who say you aren't submissive, just smile sweetly and say you are submissive, but not their submissive.



grlneedstolearn -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/4/2007 9:49:44 PM)

Like you i'd prefer a one on one only. i'm ok with bringing in another person just to play with, but i'm not big on the poly situation. And yes i've noticed as well that most of the Doms that i talk to are already some sort of relationship.



slaverosebeauty -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/4/2007 9:53:13 PM)

When I was single I got a LOT of trollmail was was geared to people asking me to be their '3rd' or '4th' etc, yes, I used the word 'trollmail' thats what it was since my page said unequivicably that I wasn't looking for that sorta situation or relationship; therefore it was trollmail.
 
I was told many many many times an I still am on adultspace that, I am not very 'submissive' etc for NOT wanting to share my partner or to be shared by Him [one reason why MJ wrote the 'message' I have posted on my pages]. I just got blasted for an email I sent to someone who blasted me for my response to a poll, on sharing. People are passionate on both sides, for me, sharing is not caring, its not who I am, nor is it any position I will put myself in or allow myself to be put in.
 
You may not fit what some think of as 'submissive' just ignore those people, they need to get a life and stay out of yours. Almost tongue in cheek but very serious at the same time, I wrote, 'I Must NOT be a Twue Slave' if the OP or anyone else is interested, I will send the link, I have had emails from ladies laughing; some people liked it, others said I was defiantly NOT a slave. I take that stuff for the paper its written on.   



lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/4/2007 10:03:28 PM)

i agree with what sweetie said :) dont let anyone tell you that you are being selfhish or anything liek that
 
ross.g

quote:

ORIGINAL: cuddleheart50

Don't let anyone tell you that you are being selfish.  If you don't want to share, then find someone who doesnt want to share either.  And, believe me, they are out there.  Never settle for what you want.  And dont let anyone guilt you into something you dont want.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/4/2007 10:19:12 PM)

See that's why we try and use that thing called "informed consent"

That means you get to say no to whatever doesn't work for you.  And say yes to whatever does.

Use it, enjoy it.  Unless you'd prefer not to have it, and then feel free to choose the situation you KNOW is wrong for you.



sphinx78 -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/5/2007 12:44:42 AM)

Greetings

It is not selfish for you to look for and hook up with someone who you click with, all around. If you do not want poly, you do not want poly. Just don't try to talk someone else out of poly when that is what they're looking for. If you and the other person click on every other point, that's all fine and dandy, but if you and the other person don't click on the poly issue - move on and let those who want poly have a chance at happiness with that person. And don't start talking with someone who you know is already in a poly situation, telling them you will consider it, and then tell them you won't accept it when they decide they want you and want the other(s) in the poly situation. They then have to choose and someone is going to end up crushed.

That's not fair to you, to them, or to the people who are already there.

i wish you well.

^sphinx^[E]^




KiandPhoenix -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/5/2007 1:28:27 AM)

I can’t help but add something here. Sorry I know I am who you are asking.

First off, wonderful advice has been given here. Take it to heart. Something was left out though, and that is if you find out that they have someone in there life already, and they didn’t tell you about it up front, DROP THEM! They started by lying to you. They are not worth your time.

This is exactly what my sub would tell you if she would ever get home from work.

~Ki



classykindasassy -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/5/2007 8:28:59 AM)

You want what you want. It's crap for others to say it's selfish. Not everyone is cut out for poly. I think MOST aren't when it comes to serious relationships. The ability to go poly takes something that many are not willing to cultivate and that's ok.



Laure -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/5/2007 8:33:16 AM)

Why does everyone say "selfish" as if it is a bad thing?  The next time you hear the word "selfish" try to hear instead "self-aware".  As far as poly is concerned, I would heavily advise against it unless you absolutely can't go another day without it. 



BOUNTYHUNTER -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/5/2007 8:40:27 AM)

Sharing can be good smiles,I have been very lucky to have found a woman to share my life that doesn't give a damm about how many woman I find and have,She knows that when the lights are turn out at night she will be the one in my bed...Of courses things are taken into consideration, safe sex, tested often and the compatibility of the slaves /subs with her,after all if she is happy then I am very happy..bounty



angelic -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/5/2007 9:00:24 AM)

In my humble opinion, they can pressure all they want.  i never learned to share in kindergarten and 45 years later, it still holds true. 



shyinini -> RE: Pressure to share? (8/5/2007 9:00:51 AM)

At one point I was very possessive, selfish and wanted only what I wanted...  1:1.  It was morally and ethically what I knew.  There did come a time when I was very open to another, a yonger woman with whom to share as a daughter, if you will.  But the initial relationship was wrong for me.  I realized, the addition would be only to fill a void, left by him.  
 
I could never even convince myself now that adding another would be in the best interest of either of us.  There is no void, there is not need to find another.  We are complete as a couple.   He does like to add a play partner every now and then.  He always asks me first, for he respects my opinion.
 
Arrogance is not a good trait, neither is belittling someone else to make a point of ones own.  (Hope that made sense.)
 
Sir's  



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