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NEED HELP!!! - 8/6/2007 12:29:12 AM   
lookimright


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/29/2007
Status: offline 		im a submissive obviously as you can see that is very kinky and into almost everything!!! and i have a girl who doms me occasionly... see this is the problem she doesnt take it too seriously and even though were not completly dom and slave she seems to just not enjoy it enough to want to do it more often i lovce serving her and i do whatever she sais as well as sometimes doing some random slutty things to make her more pleased but i really just want to show her how enjoyable it is to have power over someone like me etc but its kind of hard to tell her what to do when she is meant to be the dom if you get what i mean im still new to the whole BDSM scene evn though ive done it for awhile i dont think ive grasped it fully yet thus why everything isjust casual with people at the moment but does anyone have any ideas about how i can show her the joys of makeing me do whatever she pleases and really enjoying it? or do you think she just really isnt in to it that much for me to do anything please help it would be greatly appreciated.
Jamie
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/6/2007 12:44:35 AM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		Have you thought of asking her if she actually wants to dominate you? Maybe she just isn't into it and is only doing it sometimes because you're pressuring her.

Domination, like submission, can't be forced.

(in reply to lookimright)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/6/2007 7:39:42 AM   
lookimright


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/29/2007
Status: offline 		see thats what i am a bit confused about you see she is the one that got me into it and she started to dom me and i really enjoyed it and she kept going etc and then now its like she is bored with it is it just a fad for her? i didnt think you could just get over something so easily like that! and i completly agree with what u mean about how it cant be forced and i dont want to force her but mainly is there anything i can do to maybe get the spark back if you know what i mean?

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/6/2007 8:08:50 AM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		I have to tell you, I am not completely comfortable with your profile. You are 18, live with both of your parents who have homes in different cities because they are divorced. visitation usually ends at 18, when young people become adults, make a home in one place and visit thier other parent when they wish to, instead on a structured visitation schedule. I am not saying that is the way it 'should' be and why don't you do it like that - I am saying, that is the way it usually is, and I am wondering if you bumped your age up just a little?

(in reply to lookimright)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/6/2007 8:54:10 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		as well as is drunk on the "fantasy wine for wankers".

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/6/2007 9:15:00 AM   
iammachine


Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline 		Punctuation does wonders, my young friend.

So do paragraphs breaks.

"sometimes doing some random slutty things to make her more pleased but i really just want to show her how enjoyable it is to have power over someone like me etc but its kind of hard to tell her what to do when she is meant to be the dom"

Here's an honest question to ask yourself: Are you doing slutty things to please her, or you? Be honest. From the sound of it, this is your fetish, not hers, or she would be more interested in taking an active role.

How can you show her how fun it would be to dominate someone like you? You can't. Either she wants to, or she doesn't. No amount of pleading or pressuring is going to change that, in fact, it will probably work heavily against your cause to try to force the issue if her heart's just not in it. Pushy bottoms are a pain in the ass, especially when it comes across as really being all about you. To quote a blog of mine, "You are more than your laundry list of fetishes, I am more than simply a focus for them." Nothing is more of a turn off, to me anyway, than a "do me do me" submissive. It takes a lot of energy to top someone, and when it feels like you're really not getting anything in return, or that they'd just as happy if it were anyone, as long as their fetish was being engaged, even things I generally might enjoy just become no fun at all.

Maybe try asking her what she wants. Really ask her, and listen, don't put words into her mouth, and be prepared for the possibility that she doesn't want what you want at all. Remember, it's not all about you. It's not all about her either, that's why it's called an exchange, it's give and take and all parties involved should be enjoying themselves. But as you said, if she is the Domme here, you shouldn't be forcing her hand or telling her what to do.  You'll be much better off finding out what really would please her, instead of projecting your own idea of pleasure on to her.

(in reply to lookimright)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/6/2007 9:26:22 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lookimright

im a submissive obviously as you can see that is very kinky and into almost everything!!! and i have a girl who doms me occasionly... see this is the problem she doesnt take it too seriously and even though were not completly dom and slave she seems to just not enjoy it enough to want to do it more often i lovce serving her and i do whatever she sais as well as sometimes doing some random slutty things to make her more pleased but i really just want to show her how enjoyable it is to have power over someone like me etc but its kind of hard to tell her what to do when she is meant to be the dom if you get what i mean im still new to the whole BDSM scene evn though ive done it for awhile i dont think ive grasped it fully yet thus why everything isjust casual with people at the moment but does anyone have any ideas about how i can show her the joys of makeing me do whatever she pleases and really enjoying it? or do you think she just really isnt in to it that much for me to do anything please help it would be greatly appreciated.
Jamie


If she is the one that introduced you and it was her idea, it still sounds like you are now getting pushy and demanding and burning her out.  Doing "random slutty things" means you are pushing your kink on her - let her decide when and how.  I got burnt out just reading a few lines of what you wrote, I can see your fetishes oozing off the page.  Relax, step back a little, and let her take control back.  

Akasha


_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to lookimright)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/6/2007 9:28:22 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Hi there,

Sounds like a classic case of "she's casual, I'm not."  It happens.  She's not meeting your needs.  You can't 'make' her.  You can choose to accept her, for how she dominates you now, or find someone who better matches your interests.

Good luck,

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/6/2007 10:04:00 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lookimright

im a submissive obviously as you can see that is very kinky and into almost everything!!! and i have a girl who doms me occasionly... see this is the problem she doesnt take it too seriously and even though were not completly dom and slave she seems to just not enjoy it enough to want to do it more often i lovce serving her and i do whatever she sais as well as sometimes doing some random slutty things to make her more pleased but i really just want to show her how enjoyable it is to have power over someone like me etc but its kind of hard to tell her what to do when she is meant to be the dom if you get what i mean im still new to the whole BDSM scene evn though ive done it for awhile i dont think ive grasped it fully yet thus why everything isjust casual with people at the moment but does anyone have any ideas about how i can show her the joys of makeing me do whatever she pleases and really enjoying it? or do you think she just really isnt in to it that much for me to do anything please help it would be greatly appreciated.
Jamie

OK Jamie, first and foremost.....SLOW DOWN.  Your post reads frantic, like you're whirling around.  Read your post out loud to yourself and see how it sounds.

Second, you're new so perhaps you're unaware of this, but topping from the bottom is the last thing that will inspire a person to continue playing with you, much less enjoy it for them "controlling you" because YOU are calling the shots.

I'd strongly suggest that the two of you have a sit-down to talk about needs and expectations -- of the both of you.  From the sounds of it, neither one of you are really aware of what the other is thinking or desiring, and that's a recipie for heartache.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to lookimright)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/7/2007 4:39:09 AM   
lookimright


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/29/2007
Status: offline 		hey i am 18 and yes what your saying is right but my parents had a mutual break-up the marriage just wasnt working they wanted diffrent things out of life and being together wasnt letting either have them its complex but in other words neither was right or wrong but just because im 18 doesnt mean i dont love them anymore that is why i still live with one or the other and to be honest i dont have enough money at the moment to move out and get my own place i am not ready to do that just yet and having 2 diffrnet houses ive got used too so why im sorting out my life i dont mind switching between the 2 yes sometiems i stay at my dads more then my mums and vise-a-versa now depending on how i feel but yes i am 18 so effectivly an adult but im not ready to branch out and live on my own just yet or with anyone else im having a sortof gap year this year and next year im applying for uni or tafe etcim sorry u dont feel comfortable with my profile but thats the truth. and im very discreet with everything because i dont want freinds and family to find out about my sexuality yet again im just not ready to tell them i still need to be "broken" into this scene if you know what i mean ive had a fair amount of experience but its mainly been experimental and with the one person thats why im getting this feedback now and i thank everyone for all there help i understand alot now i guess i have been rushing things a lil too much so thanks to everyone for help i shall sit down and talk to her you guys have been really great!
Jamie 

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/7/2007 5:17:58 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Jamie,

This will sound harsh.  If you ignore my advice, you will regret it.  If you take it, learn from it, and grow as a person, you'll come looking for me in three years and thank me.  Read the changes I have made to your post, very very carefully.

Stephan

Hello.

Yes, I am 18, and I agree; you're right.  My parents have recently divorced.  They simply wanted different things out of their life, and couldn't make their relationship work.  It's hard to explain, since neither of them were right or wrong.  Yet I don't think just because I am 18, doesn't mean I don't love one or the other more, and I'm not financially stable enough to move out on my own, especially since both of my parents welcome me to continue staying with them for now.  I stay at my dad's more often than my mom's, though it depends on the circumstance.  I just don't feel ready to accept the burden of living on my own, or move in with someone else.  At the moment, I'm not sure if I'm going to attend university or tafe (?) or what.  I'm sorry if you don't like what you've read on my profile, but I'm trying to be honest.  I want to be discreet, buecause I'm not prepared to discuss my sexuality or lifestyle interests with my family.  I'm simply not yet entirely comfortable with the lifestyle; I've had a chance to experiment with one person so far, but it hasn't been anything serious. 

I appreciate all of the help everyone has tried to give me.  I know that I've been trying to rush things too fast, so I'm grateful that everyone has taken the effort to try and help me.  I will sit down and have a conversation with her now, and see where it goes. Thanks a lot, you have all been really great!

Jamie


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to lookimright)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/7/2007 7:01:51 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lookimright

see thats what i am a bit confused about you see she is the one that got me into it and she started to dom me and i really enjoyed it and she kept going etc and then now its like she is bored with it is it just a fad for her? i didnt think you could just get over something so easily like that! and i completly agree with what u mean about how it cant be forced and i dont want to force her but mainly is there anything i can do to maybe get the spark back if you know what i mean?


Beyond the kink are you two a couple as in the vanilla sense?

I can't offer any real advice until I know the answer to this question because I think the answer will reveal a good deal about why she may have introduce you to kink.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to lookimright)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/7/2007 10:59:11 AM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Jamie,

This will sound harsh.  If you ignore my advice, you will regret it.  If you take it, learn from it, and grow as a person, you'll come looking for me in three years and thank me.  Read the changes I have made to your post, very very carefully.

Stephan

Hello.

Yes, I am 18, and I agree; you're right.  My parents have recently divorced.  They simply wanted different things out of their life, and couldn't make their relationship work.  It's hard to explain, since neither of them were right or wrong.  Yet I don't think just because I am 18, doesn't mean I don't love one or the other more, and I'm not financially stable enough to move out on my own, especially since both of my parents welcome me to continue staying with them for now.  I stay at my dad's more often than my mom's, though it depends on the circumstance.  I just don't feel ready to accept the burden of living on my own, or move in with someone else.  At the moment, I'm not sure if I'm going to attend university or tafe (?) or what.  I'm sorry if you don't like what you've read on my profile, but I'm trying to be honest.  I want to be discreet, buecause I'm not prepared to discuss my sexuality or lifestyle interests with my family.  I'm simply not yet entirely comfortable with the lifestyle; I've had a chance to experiment with one person so far, but it hasn't been anything serious. 

I appreciate all of the help everyone has tried to give me.  I know that I've been trying to rush things too fast, so I'm grateful that everyone has taken the effort to try and help me.  I will sit down and have a conversation with her now, and see where it goes. Thanks a lot, you have all been really great!

Jamie



Stephan what has this got to do with his OP ?..... Nothing !

Yes his use of English isn`t very good but the post you altered isn`t the question he asked.

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/7/2007 11:46:16 AM   
iammachine


Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Jamie,

This will sound harsh.  If you ignore my advice, you will regret it.  If you take it, learn from it, and grow as a person, you'll come looking for me in three years and thank me.  Read the changes I have made to your post, very very carefully.

Stephan

Hello.

Yes, I am 18, and I agree; you're right.  My parents have recently divorced.  They simply wanted different things out of their life, and couldn't make their relationship work.  It's hard to explain, since neither of them were right or wrong.  Yet I don't think just because I am 18, doesn't mean I don't love one or the other more, and I'm not financially stable enough to move out on my own, especially since both of my parents welcome me to continue staying with them for now.  I stay at my dad's more often than my mom's, though it depends on the circumstance.  I just don't feel ready to accept the burden of living on my own, or move in with someone else.  At the moment, I'm not sure if I'm going to attend university or tafe (?) or what.  I'm sorry if you don't like what you've read on my profile, but I'm trying to be honest.  I want to be discreet, buecause I'm not prepared to discuss my sexuality or lifestyle interests with my family.  I'm simply not yet entirely comfortable with the lifestyle; I've had a chance to experiment with one person so far, but it hasn't been anything serious. 

I appreciate all of the help everyone has tried to give me.  I know that I've been trying to rush things too fast, so I'm grateful that everyone has taken the effort to try and help me.  I will sit down and have a conversation with her now, and see where it goes. Thanks a lot, you have all been really great!

Jamie



Stephan what has this got to do with his OP ?..... Nothing !

Yes his use of English isn`t very good but the post you altered isn`t the question he asked.


But it's a hell of a lot easier to read!

Can we have post translators all the time?

(in reply to Politesub53)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/7/2007 1:03:54 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53
Stephan what has this got to do with his OP ?..... Nothing !

Yes his use of English isn`t very good but the post you altered isn`t the question he asked.

What it has to do with is targeting a message TO him in order to better him.  He's seeking HELP and can't seem to figure out why he's a whirling dervish.  The OP didn't pick up on the other directions given him by a number of others, myself included.  I think it's pretty ingenious that Stephen invested time into the OP and took on a slightly different, more clear and visual approach will help educate him.  Just the simple act of helping him communicate more clearly, and to slow down and think things through may actually BE the groundwork he's been missing requisite to his road ahead.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Politesub53)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/7/2007 2:38:22 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		A case of foot in mouth time again. !!  An apology to Stephan.

Stephan, i am sorry i didnt see you had already answered the question earlier and thought you were just being picky on his English.

MisPandora, i see your point, i just think all too often people jump on spelling without answering the question asked. As i said above, i was wrong on that count.


(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/7/2007 6:44:22 PM   
lookimright


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/29/2007
Status: offline 		Sorry, Guys I do get worked up sometimes thus makeing me type very quickly completly forgetting punctuation i shall hope to improve this in furthur posts.

Thankyou Stephen by the way it was not harsh. It was very, very helpful.

A big Non-Thankyou to "tsatske". as now my display picture has been taken away and i do beleive it is because of your post. I may be wrong but it really is a bother to have to wait 72 hours before they finally approve it and i tried 2 pictures before that one so it took alot of time before i had one approved.

Another even greater Thankyou to all the people out there that have helped me! it has helped alot and we have talked about some stuff and she agreed and said she felt rushed at times and we are taking a small break now for me to learn from more people on here and get a bit more experience and then when she feels ready we shall start again.
This time without me rushing and letting her be the one in complete control.

Thanx Again
Jamie

p.s Yes we do have a vanilla relationship outside this Lifestyle. But we are not together we are just very good freinds who everyone knows (like other freinds of ours) that we are "fuck buddys" as they lable us.

(in reply to Politesub53)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/7/2007 8:38:55 PM   
Rockwell


Posts: 63
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

the answer will reveal a good deal about why she may have introduce you to kink.


  - oh yeah. Hey boy OP.... let your lady friend show you real good and hard.

Grand advice, Ms. thank you.
Respectfully,
Z

< Message edited by Rockwell -- 8/7/2007 8:39:35 PM >

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/7/2007 8:43:42 PM   
Rockwell


Posts: 63
Status: offline 		Kid: they lable you fuck buddies?

( I don't know if I belong in here. I switch, but am much the sadist male pig)

(in reply to Rockwell)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: NEED HELP!!! - 8/7/2007 9:02:15 PM   
AMADF


Posts: 66
Joined: 7/15/2007
Status: offline 		At 18, life is a bit different, and probably the rush that you feel in general, you apply it also to your bdsm relation. I assume she has more or less your age, and probably she is also discovering herself, like you are, so its also ok if she decide to take bdsm at her own rythm. Agree in the other post than a pushy behavior its not the best way to foment her dom behaviour.

This also opens a question in my mind about what type of sub are you. I mean shes also your sexual partner and maybe thats why you feel free enough to almost "demand" that behaviour again, but let me tell you, subs shouldnt "demand" nothing from her mistress in sutch a tone like yours. Youre asking her to behave like a mistress but you, instead of acting like a sub, act more like a horny demanding lover.

In this particular experience maybe its the fact that they have have satisfactory sexual encounters, that makes you link the sexual desire with submission. I mean its true that theyres always a sexual thing when submit to a lady, but being sub its not always sex based. You must define if want to be for instance a service slave (kind of buttler), a sex slave, a pain slave, etc. Any of them its ok, but being a slave does NOT always has to do with sex, nor sex reward and even in some cases, the absolute absesce of sex its the expression of submissive, like when wearing chastity belt.

So first have to make your mind of what exaclty youre looking for. Then maybe would be able to see if she is the right one, or need to keep on looking. Finding the right parthner in bdsm its oftenly a long process.

Also it would help a lot if you instead of being so pushy, seduce her with real sub actions. Probably will have better results if when youre togeather kiss her boots and go on his 4 to pick himself the whip with your mouth. Less words and more action can be a good idea.

In elisse sutton web site theres a fantastic article called
For Men: How to Introduce Your Wife or Girlfriend to the Female Domination Lifestyle

read it, i think it can help you and maybe even change your mind about how to awake dominant desires  from your partner.






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(in reply to lookimright)
Profile   Post #: 20
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