Anger management

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HypnoticDan -> Anger management (8/7/2007 5:03:10 PM)
Being a novice dom I don't trust myself to administer "impact play" when I'm angry and - until now - it's never been an issue. Recently I went out of my way, invested a lot of time in my sub and she really dissapointed me recently. I won't get into why or how, it's really not the point. Suffice to say that I'm left feeling like I'm plan B and that really ticks me off, especially when I think that there's the possibility I'm just being petty. Ok, so most of that was probably jibberish. My question is this: How do you get back to being not-angry? Happy, even? Some people might say it will take lots of open communication. If there had been better communication from her I wouldn't be feeling this way, so her words really don't carry a lot of weight with me. No, I don't see how I could have communicated more - she knew exactly what my situation was at the time of the incident. I can't think of an appropriate action without my mind filling with punishing, limit-pushing, and/or humiliating ideas, all of which my logical mind says are a bad idea. Please advise.

earthycouple -> RE: Anger management (8/7/2007 5:16:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HypnoticDan Being a novice dom I don't trust myself to administer "impact play" when I'm angry and - until now - it's never been an issue. Don't administer impact play when you are no longer a novice when angry either. Recently I went out of my way, invested a lot of time in my sub and she really dissapointed me recently. I won't get into why or how, it's really not the point. Suffice to say that I'm left feeling like I'm plan B and that really ticks me off, especially when I think that there's the possibility I'm just being petty. You need to decide if it is right to continue this relationship or not based on how you feel with her. If you are second to whatever and you can't deal with that, then maybe it's time to move on vs. try to work it out. Ok, so most of that was probably jibberish. My question is this: How do you get back to being not-angry? Happy, even? If something is so bad that you can't get past being angry, truly angry, you may need to find some help getting tools to work past long term anger. If she did something soo bad you should be angry, refer to what I said before. You have to resolve anger within yourself. Only YOU can make you angry and especially that angry. Look within yourself. Why are you so angry? (Rhetorical) Some people might say it will take lots of open communication. If there had been better communication from her I wouldn't be feeling this way, so her words really don't carry a lot of weight with me. No, I don't see how I could have communicated more - she knew exactly what my situation was at the time of the incident. I can't think of an appropriate action without my mind filling with punishing, limit-pushing, and/or humiliating ideas, all of which my logical mind says are a bad idea. Please advise.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Anger management (8/7/2007 5:41:31 PM)
Without knowing more, I would say simply give yourself more time. If this is a relationship you want to last, then taking a few days to get perspective is hardly anything- and can help a LOT.

Padriag -> RE: Anger management (8/7/2007 6:31:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HypnoticDan Ok, so most of that was probably jibberish. My question is this: How do you get back to being not-angry? Happy, even? That's simple... make a choice. I'm dead serious. You want to stop being angry, then take a deep breath, make the choice and stop. Choose to move yourself emotionally back to your center. But then it hasn't been that easy for you has it? You find yourself getting angry all over again. You try to distract yourself, but then eventually you start thinking about things, mulling over what happened, etc. and next thing you know you're pissed again and feeling like driving your fist through something or someone. Sound about right? You're choosing to be angry, then feeding that anger by reliving the past mentally, you're trapping yourself in those moments that hurt you and made you angry... if you want to stop being angry, stop being in that place, move forward. quote: Some people might say it will take lots of open communication. If there had been better communication from her I wouldn't be feeling this way, so her words really don't carry a lot of weight with me. Some people might... me... I'd say its bullshit. Communication is great for resolving misunderstanding, exchanging ideas, etc... but anger, that's internal, that's about you... so unless its communication with a therapist or with your self... it'd be a waste of time, it will not make you less angry. Not until you decide to let go of the anger, and once you do, that will happen whether you talk with her all night or never speak to her again. quote: No, I don't see how I could have communicated more - she knew exactly what my situation was at the time of the incident. I can't think of an appropriate action without my mind filling with punishing, limit-pushing, and/or humiliating ideas, all of which my logical mind says are a bad idea. So now its revenge you want. Fine then... don't get mad, get even. Seriously. What would even the score, what could she do or allow you to do to her that would settle this... tell her, if she agrees, do it... then let it go. Getting the message here... however you do it, you aren't going to stop being angry til you decide to. Its up to you, you've got the power and the only question is when will you decide to use it? Okay, still not sure you're getting it, one last lesson then. Here's how I deal with anger. I decide how I'm going to deal with the problem that made me angry in the first place, then I get busy doing that and I don't have time to be angry anymore. And that's it. Shit happens in life, you and either roll around in it or you can shovel it out of your way and keep going. Me, I tend to prefer getting the crap out of my way. Right now you're rolling around in it, and from what you say it doesn't seem like much fun for you... so why are you doing it? Here's a shovel... good luck.

slaveish -> RE: Anger management (8/7/2007 6:40:13 PM)
We are the only people in control of our emotions. Others must have our permission to "make" us feel one way or another. From the little you describe about the situation, it sounds like you're actually hurt instead of angry. She made you feel second best, not as good as Event X. Do some heavy duty exercise or yard work to give that strong hurt-turned-to-anger emotion an outlet, and then figure out what your life would be like without her. Perspective.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Anger management (8/7/2007 8:35:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HypnoticDan Being a novice dom I don't trust myself to administer "impact play" when I'm angry and - until now - it's never been an issue. Recently I went out of my way, invested a lot of time in my sub and she really dissapointed me recently. I won't get into why or how, it's really not the point. Suffice to say that I'm left feeling like I'm plan B and that really ticks me off, especially when I think that there's the possibility I'm just being petty. You don't play when angry. Just like you don't punish when angry. Deal with the anger, then you can deal with your sub. quote: ORIGINAL: HypnoticDan Ok, so most of that was probably jibberish. My question is this: How do you get back to being not-angry? Happy, even? How we react to things ultimately is a matter of choice. We choose to be angry; we choose to be hurt. We can also choose to be not angry, not hurt.

MadRabbit -> RE: Anger management (8/7/2007 8:36:17 PM)
I agree with everything Padriag said but with one thing to add. Spend some time learning about meditation, especially meditation in the form of breathing techinques you can do on the spot to help get yourself under control. It can work wonders with helping you to think rationally again

Kirata -> RE: Anger management (8/7/2007 9:26:09 PM)
Granting little to go on, to me it sounds like this: You care about her, and she hurt you. Tell her exactly that. K.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Anger management (8/7/2007 9:44:44 PM)
OK yeah tell her that if you want to add guilt and blame to the already burning pyre of relationship rupture. A better way to say is "I really felt betrayed by X. We need to work on making this not happen again."

ProlificNeeds -> RE: Anger management (8/7/2007 10:23:40 PM)
If you've already told her everything that needs to be said, and you are left feeling still sore about the issue, take some time away. Sometimes, a little absence can make the heart grow fonder, or it can make the thoughts clearer. If the relationship was based on elements you can no longer enjoy because of the incident, then you need to evaluate if that can be repaired. Usually if you're still sore about something, then it really hasn't been resolved at all, at least not for you. Try to figure out what will help you resolve this, just some time to grow apart from it's rawness, or is there some sort of action or resolution that will bring closure to the incident? If the relationship is unstable or uncertain as to it's value or compatibility and expectations between you both, maybe it's time to really sit down and get her to talk instead of play. If, the issue has been resolved and it's simply an illogical sense of anger you feel, you need to find an outlet, apart from her, to release it. I'd suggest if you need physical release, take up an exercise regime, or practice your impact on an inanimate target to release some aggression. Talking to someone outside the relationship who can give you an impartial and practical view of the situation might also help you. Picking a close friend isn't always the best idea as they may just 'side with you' thinking you need a sympathetic ear instead of a cool head to help you rationalize.

Kirata -> RE: Anger management (8/7/2007 10:55:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross OK yeah tell her that if you want to add guilt and blame to the already burning pyre of relationship rupture. Very colorful metaphor, and I know you have your fans, but I don't think I'm ready yet to credit you with being able to read minds and predict the future. To me it looks like projection. No matter what she ends up feeling, which may not be at all what you think, I have never found simple honesty to be a bad policy in relationships. K.

MisPandora -> RE: Anger management (8/7/2007 11:46:27 PM)
Pick up a little book by Ken Blanchard. It's popular in business, but it'll seriously help you address when someone's ticked you off (or you've gone done and pissed someone off and need to make amends.) One Minute Manager http://www.amazon.com/One-Minute-Manager-Anniversary-Management/dp/0688014291/ref=pd_bbs_2/105-7837296-8622000?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1186555144&sr=8-2

BitaTruble -> RE: Anger management (8/8/2007 12:16:36 AM)
::snipped for brevity:: quote: ORIGINAL: HypnoticDan Suffice to say that I'm left feeling like I'm plan B and that really ticks me off, especially when I think that there's the possibility I'm just being petty. I can't think of an appropriate action without my mind filling with punishing, limit-pushing, and/or humiliating ideas, all of which my logical mind says are a bad idea. Please advise. I think it's going to be tough for you to come up with an appropriate action until you determine whether you're actually being petty regarding the situation. Putting the cart before the horse isn't going to get you very far. If you are being petty, there's really no action to take and if you are not being petty, actions would probably serve you better if you opened up your mind and allowed some mutual communication to flow regarding the incident prior to taking action. I wouldn't wait to long either because it sounds like whatever the situation is, it's just going to fester and such an infection can be terminal to a relationship. If her words aren't going to carry any weight with you, that's going to be tough as well. You're closing a door and she doesn't have a snowballs chance in hell if she's not even allowed into the conversation on any but the most superficial of levels. You're going to have to reflect and find some way to balance what you are feeling with what you think you can do about what you're feeling. Once you do that, hopefully, the appropriate action will become clear. Good luck with this situation. I don't envy you or her. Celeste

SirDominic -> RE: Anger management (8/8/2007 8:24:35 AM)
Dan, listen to Padriag. Padriag wise. Also, I think your problem is not really with what happened with this woman. Your problem is not knowing how to deal with your anger. This is a very common problem for a lot of people. Many people who do not know how to express anger in a healthy way end up bottling it up inside instead. Been there, done that. And believe me, it is not a good idea. Learning to deal with anger, learning to allow yourself to express your anger in a constructive way is the answer. There are lots of good books on the subject. Start reading. And good luck. Namaste, Sir Dominic

feastie -> RE: Anger management (8/8/2007 8:31:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HypnoticDan Being a novice dom I don't trust myself to administer "impact play" when I'm angry and - until now - it's never been an issue. Recently I went out of my way, invested a lot of time in my sub and she really dissapointed me recently. I won't get into why or how, it's really not the point. Suffice to say that I'm left feeling like I'm plan B and that really ticks me off, especially when I think that there's the possibility I'm just being petty. You're feeling like you're Plan B, meaning, you're her goto if her Plan A dom doesn't work out? That's never a good feeling. Ok, so most of that was probably jibberish. My question is this: How do you get back to being not-angry? Happy, even? You choose it. Simple as that. Some people might say it will take lots of open communication. If there had been better communication from her I wouldn't be feeling this way, so her words really don't carry a lot of weight with me. No, I don't see how I could have communicated more - she knew exactly what my situation was at the time of the incident. I can't think of an appropriate action without my mind filling with punishing, limit-pushing, and/or humiliating ideas, all of which my logical mind says are a bad idea. So, it sounds like you did all the talking and she did all the listening. Maybe, you should try doing the listening and encourage her to do the talking. Please advise.

earthycouple -> RE: Anger management (8/8/2007 8:51:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kirata quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross OK yeah tell her that if you want to add guilt and blame to the already burning pyre of relationship rupture. Very colorful metaphor, and I know you have your fans, but I don't think I'm ready yet to credit you with being able to read minds and predict the future. To me it looks like projection. No matter what she ends up feeling, which may not be at all what you think, I have never found simple honesty to be a bad policy in relationships. K. LA is right on base with this. You can't play the blame game with people if you want to push through a problem. The blaming just goes back and forth and becomes a mess. When one says: "You hurt my feelings when you had an affair, how dare you." It is poor communication. The ownership is transfered from yourself to the other person. The person is now on gaurd and ready to lash out too. Where is your responsibility in this for allowing yourself to be hurt? When one says: "I felt hurt when you had an affair" It is effective communication. The ownership of how YOU feel is yours. Now the trigger to your feelings of course is different. However you are showing responsibility for your allowing the hurt to affect you. While this may seem semantical it is not.

Padriag -> RE: Anger management (8/8/2007 8:56:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirDominic Dan, listen to Padriag. Padriag wise. Thanks for the compliment. [:)] You made a good point about many people not knowing what to do with their anger, its true. The best thing I found to do with it, in most cases, is to do something constructive. If the problem is in a relationship, work on solving the problem. If the relationship can't be salvaged, work on finding a new relationship. The point being, do something that builds you up, something that improves your situation. If "getting even" would enable both parties to let go, then by all means "get even"... provided they both agree to it and it really does allow them to move on. To quote a poem (from How Did You Die? by Edmund Vance Cooke) Oh a trouble's a ton, or a trouble's an ounce; Or a trouble is what you make it. A purposeful change of attitude can make a world of difference.

HypnoticDan -> RE: Anger management (8/8/2007 10:34:54 AM)
Thanks, everyone. Some comments. EarthyCouple, "Don't administer impact play when you are no longer a novice when angry either." I think you're saying don't do impact play when I am a novice or when I am angry. a) The novice part is chicken & egg and b) I thought it pretty clear I wasn't going to do anything while angry - the whole point of the thread. Padriag, You're absolutely right about making a choice. What I'm trying to do is explore my options by seeking advice alternate ways to deal with my hurt. I can easily end the relationship and wash my hands of it but I'd like to think there's a better solution. Maybe I'm a wishful thinker. I don't have trouble getting "angry all over again". I take what happened and put it in a little mental jar and go on with my day. Later I come back to examine it through the glass and I can see that if I opened it, yes, I would get angry. So I don't want this jar taking up valuable mental real-estate. What I mean is that I don't walk around all day being angry with it running through my head. I simply...don't think about it until the time is right...but having it on my todo list is annoying. I don't want revenge. I was trying to say that I know with crystal clarity why any kind of BDSM while genuinely angry is a bad idea because I can imagine the combination of the two. Slavish, Oh, I agree. I've long understand the root of anger is almost always some other emotion (in this case, surprise & rejection). celticlord2112, Yeah, if I was going to combine BDSM and anger I wouldn't be posting about it here, I'd be on the 6 o'clock news. I try first to figure out the root of the anger and then, usually, I know I hit the right one because I get a feeling of embarassment because I think "no, that can't be it, that's too childish. ...ah, that's probably it - masking that childish response with anger again. Tsk tsk." and just like that...it's gone. BitaTrouble, Nail on the head with the petty thing. It's self-doubt about the legitimacy of my anger because I haven't worked out the root cause yet. SirDominic, Very little makes me angry. Still, you may be right - that little bit may be bottled up. I can't help but think of my previous metaphor in this message. Feastie, Er, plan A dom? I don't know why you assume she's with another dom, any more than why EarthyCouple used "had an affair" and "how dare you" in her metaphor when argueing with Kirata. I apologize if I was rude to anyone, it wasn't my intent. Obviously it's an emotional subject for me and my phrasing can come out quite rough when I am not completely focused. Thanks for the advice, everyone.

Milivoje -> RE: Anger management (8/8/2007 10:52:36 AM)
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Analyse your fears, you must.

Padriag -> RE: Anger management (8/8/2007 11:04:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HypnoticDan Thanks, everyone. Some comments. Padriag, You're absolutely right about making a choice. What I'm trying to do is explore my options by seeking advice alternate ways to deal with my hurt. I can easily end the relationship and wash my hands of it but I'd like to think there's a better solution. Maybe I'm a wishful thinker. That's an interesting word... hurt, not anger. You started out asking how to deal with anger, now you're dealing with hurt. That's good, that's progress. I think most reading your post got that you feel hurt, and that is at the root of why you feel anger, why you still have it in that "mental jar". quote: I don't have trouble getting "angry all over again". I take what happened and put it in a little mental jar and go on with my day. Later I come back to examine it through the glass and I can see that if I opened it, yes, I would get angry. So I don't want this jar taking up valuable mental real-estate. What I mean is that I don't walk around all day being angry with it running through my head. I simply...don't think about it until the time is right...but having it on my todo list is annoying. So you're still having trouble just letting it go. I suspect that's because you're still feeling hurt. But I think there's also a fear here, more on that below. quote: I don't want revenge. I was trying to say that I know with crystal clarity why any kind of BDSM while genuinely angry is a bad idea because I can imagine the combination of the two. I believe you, but I also get the impression from your previous post when there are moments you do want revenge... you'd like to make her hurt the way she's hurt you, right? S'kay if you do, its a natural reaction. I mentioned fear above. I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and guess that somewhere at the bottom of all this you're afraid whatever happened, whatever she did, will happen again. That may or may not be a valid fear, I can't say, I don't know either of you or the situation. But until you resolve that fear you likely won't be able to let go. Your options are to either talk with her and resolve the issue in such a way that the likelihood of the event happening again is significantly reduced... or... walk away. I suspect its down to a trust issue, either you can trust her or you can't, and if you can't trust her then why be in a relationship with her. You stated above you don't want to walk away, you'd like to work things out (find a better solution). In that statement you answered your own question. That's the positive action you need to take. Work on resolving whatever issue was the root cause of your anger and hurt. Be realistic about it, and if you can't realistically find a solution, then the reality is you should walk away. Be objective where you can, both about yourself and her, and keep in mind that for this to be resolved, you both need to work on it... you can't fix this by yourself. Again, best of luck with it.

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