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RE: Anger management - 8/8/2007 1:17:39 PM

Kirata

Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: earthycouple

LA is right on base with this. You can't play the blame game with people if you want to push through a problem. The blaming just goes back and forth and becomes a mess.

When one says: "You hurt my feelings when you had an affair, how dare you." It is poor communication. The ownership is transfered from yourself to the other person. The person is now on gaurd and ready to lash out too. Where is your responsibility in this for allowing yourself to be hurt?

When one says: "I felt hurt when you had an affair" It is effective communication. The ownership of how YOU feel is yours.... While this may seem semantical it is not.

I guessed that he cared for the girl and felt hurt, and suggested that he simply tell her that. In correcting me, you offer that it would be better just to say "I felt hurt" than play the blame game. Huh? Where do you see me playing a blame game, or taking a "how dare you" attitude? Did you even read the post of mine that LA jumped on?

K.

(in reply to earthycouple)

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RE: Anger management - 8/8/2007 3:02:36 PM

Kirata

Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
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Wait, I think I get it...

Jeeez, I didn't mean "she hurt you" with all the freaking baggage being hung on it for chrissake. It is simply a statement embodying the fact that something she did hurt him. And this stuff about "you hurt me when you did that" versus "I felt hurt when you did that" creates a distinction without a difference. The operative phrase is still when you did that. I agree that approaching the matter with a "how dare you" blame-game attitude sucks, but it also makes your choice of words more or less irrelevant. And that kind of attitude was not where I was coming from.

K.

< Message edited by Kirata -- 8/8/2007 3:50:32 PM >

(in reply to earthycouple)

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RE: Anger management - 8/8/2007 3:29:10 PM

SayaNereida

Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
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Dan,

This is the thing that drew my attention “Suffice to say that I'm left feeling like I'm plan B and that really ticks me off, especially when I think that there's the possibility I'm just being petty. “

You feel like a plan B, it hurts and it makes you angry; whether petty or not by someone else’s opinion, it is how you feel…own it, face it, and conquer it.

What will stop you from feeling like a plan B with this woman?

Address your feelings as far feeling you are plan B; why did her actions make YOU FEEL this. No one can make you feel anything/way, without your consent.

Determine IF the relationship you have is the one you want. IF it is the relationship you want, then definitely communicate the feelings and issues you are having; plan B and all.

Some where in this you said something about wanting to communicate but not trusting her words; IF you don’t trust her words, do you really trust her?

And IF you don’t trust her, what kind of relationship can you really have with her?

IMO, meditation is a wonderful thing.

Hope things get better for you.
Saya

< Message edited by SayaNereida -- 8/8/2007 3:34:28 PM >

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Anais Nin: Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. ...

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RE: Anger management - 8/8/2007 4:20:24 PM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SayaNereida

You feel like a plan B, it hurts and it makes you angry; whether petty or not by someone else’s opinion, it is how you feel…own it, face it, and conquer it.

What will stop you from feeling like a plan B with this woman?

Address your feelings as far feeling you are plan B; why did her actions make YOU FEEL this. No one can make you feel anything/way, without your consent.

Determine IF the relationship you have is the one you want. IF it is the relationship you want, then definitely communicate the feelings and issues you are having; plan B and all.

Some where in this you said something about wanting to communicate but not trusting her words; IF you don’t trust her words, do you really trust her?

And IF you don’t trust her, what kind of relationship can you really have with her?

Bull's Eye! Dan, this is spot on the mark as a constructive plan for dealing with the situation. Couldn't have said it more clearly myself.

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Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to SayaNereida)

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Post #: 24