Ageing and stable relationships (Full Version)

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ThinkingKitten -> Ageing and stable relationships (8/8/2007 8:23:23 PM)

Before LA pounces, yes I did a search, but couldn't see anything pertaining directly to this question. If its old hat, I apologise.
 
I've read a number of posts in which statements about BDSM relationships on average tending to be highly transient in nature (6 months was quoted as an example, I believe) were made. Reading between the lines, (and sometimes not even having to do that), there do seem to be a number of both subs and dominants of both sexes who seem to actively pursue these short-term, highly sexually charged, involvements. Not an issue. What I would like to know, is whether as age encroaches, people whose lives have been peppered with these short-termers (of their own choosing), find that they want more stable, long-term partnerships - knowing that someone you can rely on will be there as faculties fail, and income recedes with retirement, and so forth, and it becomes not so much about play partners, as life partners.
 
In addition, with the ongoing debate about large age-differences in mind, do older (say 50+) BDSM'ers who've deliberately sought younger partners find that even this changes, and they want someone closer to their own age (at about the same place on the curve of life), with them for those twilight years?
 
Have your priorities changed, as you have aged?



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/8/2007 8:30:40 PM)

I think the answer to your question will be found more in future generations- as people in their teens get into this right away.

Right now, the majority of people discovering the scene are already adults and going through a second adulthood- post their first vanilla marriage, post kids (often leaving the nest).  So it's hard to say whether it's an issue of age or an issue of life change. 

I'm more prone to say that getting into stable relationships is a case of self awareness and a lot of luck.

Since self awareness tends to increase with age, it's more likely that stable relationships will reform.  When people "discover" kink and become aware of their new self, they go through a whole new unstable part of their lives.

Over the next few generations, we'll see what happens when teens go through that stage with kink as they already always have with dating.  What will their "second adulthood" crisis be?  Or will they be aware enough to not have one at all?



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/8/2007 8:39:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThinkingKitten

Before LA pounces, yes I did a search, but couldn't see anything pertaining directly to this question. If its old hat, I apologise.
 
I've read a number of posts in which statements about BDSM relationships on average tending to be highly transient in nature (6 months was quoted as an example, I believe) were made. Reading between the lines, (and sometimes not even having to do that), there do seem to be a number of both subs and dominants of both sexes who seem to actively pursue these short-term, highly sexually charged, involvements. Not an issue. What I would like to know, is whether as age encroaches, people whose lives have been peppered with these short-termers (of their own choosing), find that they want more stable, long-term partnerships - knowing that someone you can rely on will be there as faculties fail, and income recedes with retirement, and so forth, and it becomes not so much about play partners, as life partners.
 
In addition, with the ongoing debate about large age-differences in mind, do older (say 50+) BDSM'ers who've deliberately sought younger partners find that even this changes, and they want someone closer to their own age (at about the same place on the curve of life), with them for those twilight years?
 
Have your priorities changed, as you have aged?


there was a broadcast sometime ago.. i do not remeber if it was larry king or CNN talked about this very issue what made things good was what people had went through together in life those commonalties and experiences that is what made them a good match with the young ones its like fluff with no stuff no substance to glue it together.. what is sad when they go after the young ones they are messing out of the blessing of magic with the ones of their own age.. this deals with age gap issues



leftofcenter -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/8/2007 9:40:48 PM)

This is actually an issue on my mind lately, thanks for bringing it up.  I have always preferred older men...even MUCH older men.  For some reason 50 is the magic number for me, I just like men who were raised in that era(I think that's part of it) and have that much life experience and are at "that place" in their psyche and ego.  I've enjoyed men that age for the past 8 years...I'm 37, and the gap is closing as the years roll by.

My job puts me in touch with a lot of folks who are "getting on" in age, and I admit that when I think about my own elderly years, I realize that if I choose someone much older as a life partner(if that EVER even happens) that they wont be around to support me at that time. 

I realize the kink has something to do with it as I enjoy people who have the mentor and authoratative status in my mind, although I really dont think it's all that.  A lot of it is just about appreciating what older men have to offer...there's a lot, from my perspective.  Logically though, in thinking about it...I'm trying to be more openminded about people my own age, and <<gasp>> gawd forbid, someone younger.  I'd truly like to meet someone near my own age who could show the maturity I appreciate so much in older men.

Sorry..most of this was rambling....just my 2 cents....



robertolapiedra -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/8/2007 11:01:51 PM)

quote:

My job puts me in touch with a lot of folks who are "getting on" in age, and I admit that when I think about my own elderly years, I realize that if I choose someone much older as a life partner(if that EVER even happens) that they wont be around to support me at that time.


Hello leftofcenter. At this moment I am 54, my sub 44. She does not work. If and when I am not around there is something called insurance benefits that would kick in,  plus other retirement related stuff. She will be devastated of course (I think...), but it would not be for want of money.

You could be with someone younger than you, and still have him not be around in your old age, (death, divorce etc.) or if he is there, not have the financial resources you would like.RL.



rmanrr -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/8/2007 11:31:14 PM)

Greetings
I did not nor do I seek any particular age in a sub/slave. Having said that, I have found much more in common with folks My own age. The last girl (in both senses) I am aiming to keep, forever, and her age was not relevant nor was Mine....coincidence that we are a scant 2 years apart. What was, is and will be important to us both was learning about each other, but after and during a friendship which started about 9 months ago or so. 8 days, 9 hours..and a tad to go and she will be here. May the one who sees all bless you.



chiaThePet -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/8/2007 11:47:54 PM)

i have to admit that i most often feel like a pup trapped in an aging body,
though i do have quite a few years left in this model i must say.

i did the vanilla marriage for eleven years, and frankly don't feel a overwhelming
need or rush to find "the one" to gloriously walk off into the darkness of the
dungeon with. If it happens, wonderful, but it is not something which occupies
my thoughts much.

i kind of like those highly, sexually charged involvements, even if they last only
a moment in time, even if they don't come along all that often, damn it anyway.

Most of how i assess the long term is highly affected by the here and now, a son
whom hasn't quite flown the coop, and may not as he approaches college. This
and other committments which keep me quite occupied tend to edge out the
"golden years" thoughts, even when they occur. Again, not looking, but sometimes
life sneaks up and bites you in the ass, sending you flying and knocking over all
those neat little blocks lined up in a row. Smitten is smitten at any age.

i suppose as the years slip by, i will give more thought and credence to the need
or desires of a life partner, or simply a Dominant force as the case may be. A
connection which will meet my needs as i suddenly find myself shopping for
Depends and Polident Tonight. Maybe i'll be in a "home" and we'll simply tie
each other to the bed with our oxygen tubes and apply a blood pressure cuff
around our necks for a little breath play. Could happen, probably does.

As for the younger/older relationship, hey, why not. A Domme could save a
fortune on bondage materials as i wouldn't be able to run away, and hiding
my teeth would be an effortless application of discipline. The wise older
Domme however might command and conquer a younger slate to draw
Her designs of desire on. It becomes an issue of simple math as i see it.

Twenty goes into eighty, a hell of a lot more, than eighty goes into twenty.

i'll resurrect this post twenty years from now and give an update, just for laughs.
i might die a lonely old man, but i got the feeling i'll die a laughing, happy, lonely
old man. Cause i'll always be,

chia* (the pet) 



RavenMuse -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/9/2007 12:27:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
I'm more prone to say that getting into stable relationships is a case of self awareness and a lot of luck.


Quite.

I was introduced into the lifestyle early (Great intro but that first relationship was doomed because I was too young to fully understand the depth of the responcibilitys I was taking on)

From that introduction for the next five years till I was 20 things where exceptionaly transient. I learned a great deal, but there was little commitment, it was all about play and sex, the dynamic wasn't as important so long as it was there)

from 20 to 40, three LTR primarys have covered close to all that time, accompanied by many secondarys (longest secondary lasted about 5 years)

For the last 18 minths I've been seeking the next LTR, two attempts have both hit 6 months before having to wave the white flag due to incompatability. With other fun being had along the way as circumstances allow.

So for Me, whilst there was definatly the "Wanna try EVERYTHING" transient experemental phase for five years, I was still only 20 when I committed to the LTR priority.... I still have that priority but haven't been qute as 'lucky' so far.





rmanrr -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/9/2007 1:22:09 AM)

Greetings
I waited 30 years for My girl to come along...she did, we each took time and now...things are about as good as it can get...until 8 days when she lands heh heh.



MsSophie -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/9/2007 1:57:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThinkingKitten
What I would like to know, is whether as age encroaches, people whose lives have been peppered with these short-termers (of their own choosing), find that they want more stable, long-term partnerships - knowing that someone you can rely on will be there as faculties fail, and income recedes with retirement, and so forth, and it becomes not so much about play partners, as life partners.


I don't think it's got to do so much with age, as with maturity. Some people get to this point sooner, some later - and some not at all I suspect.
For me, who had played the field a great deal before I met, who would become, my life mate it was a matter of discovering that you could actually be best friends with your partner, as well as lovers. It may sound increadibly stupid, but it just wasn't part of my universe, having grown up with parents who couldn't bear each other's company.
Obviously we're play-partners, but first - and formost- we are best friends and life mates. We're most likely never going to see retirement together, since he is nearly 20 years older than I am.




felicitousdove -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/9/2007 7:01:25 AM)

Have my priorities changed? Oh hell yeah! Wheni first got involved i had fantasies of being a bound house slave, devoted to the service aspects of the lifestyle, and serving a Master sexually when not cooking and cleaning...

Then i discovered there was a 'public' lifestyle out there- Munches, demos, play parties, huge events... Wow! It was mind boggeling! I jumped in feet first. I had some short term relationships, and a bit of fun. Got some expereince under my belt. I even met my current Master.

Together he and I both explored various groups, munches,parties, events and such. We explored poly relationships and tried adding a 2nd girl to our relationship a few times. For various reasons it didnt work..

Having been there done that... He being 60yr me being 38yrs) Our priorities have changed and come around full circle. Guess what, my original fantasy is now my reality. We re-evaluated our relationship, and what was important to us in the lifestyle, and how we want to live it. We found out that we are both very happy with me being a full time house slave, caring for Him, the house, the pets the children, and his sexual needs when the kids are tucked safely into their beds.

All the other public stuff... not as important to us as it once was. We still attned an occassional munch. We will be going to GLLA this month... but really, our priorities and focus has indeed changed over the 7 yrs we have been together. It has come full circle, and works for us.



atendersoul -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/9/2007 7:58:06 AM)

at one point of my path within the Way, my education began with an older Owner in His poly family. His reason for choice was to carrying His bloodline, which He allowed me two of His children. The relationship was for only 31 years until His death.
i have wondered in this day of computers if the reason for the short time together now could be due to so many people not being true of what they are here....in my Lifetime...never have she seen so many subs, slaves, Masters and Mistresses and so many different "styles" of the Way. Have seen so many here that talk the talk, but does not walk the walk as they say. In finding out that they are not "reality" would end a relationship quickly.....



ThinkingKitten -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/9/2007 3:31:28 PM)

I think LA hit the nail on the head - there are large numbers of ppl coming into the lifestyle later in life - the post vanilla marriage/LTR's who not having found satisfaction with them are looking to explore other ways.  I do seem to encounter/read large numbers of profiles of Doms in my age bracket who are now seeking the foot-loose and fancy free, NSA existence - some quite a bit older, and I have to wonder - its not a criticism - I have not walked in their shoes, and everyone has their own motives/needs.
 
atendersoul: I agree here too - perhaps ppl when they enter the online world are rather like the proverbial kid in a candy store - rush around and fill your pockets, stuff your cheeks because the selection is SO great! Whereas, before the internet, the pool of contacts was much smaller, so relationships were worked on a little harder, and not considered "disposable", as I get the impression so many are now - both here and in the vanilla realm.
 
Thanks for the input everyone.



michaelOfGeorgia -> RE: Aging and stable relationships (8/9/2007 3:35:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThinkingKitten

Before LA pounces, yes I did a search, but couldn't see anything pertaining directly to this question. If its old hat, I apologise.
 
I've read a number of posts in which statements about BDSM relationships on average tending to be highly transient in nature (6 months was quoted as an example, I believe) were made. Reading between the lines, (and sometimes not even having to do that), there do seem to be a number of both subs and dominants of both sexes who seem to actively pursue these short-term, highly sexually charged, involvements. Not an issue. What I would like to know, is whether as age encroaches, people whose lives have been peppered with these short-termers (of their own choosing), find that they want more stable, long-term partnerships - knowing that someone you can rely on will be there as faculties fail, and income recedes with retirement, and so forth, and it becomes not so much about play partners, as life partners.
 
In addition, with the ongoing debate about large age-differences in mind, do older (say 50+) BDSM'ers who've deliberately sought younger partners find that even this changes, and they want someone closer to their own age (at about the same place on the curve of life), with them for those twilight years?
 
Have your priorities changed, as you have aged?


other than physical problems, aging hasn't really affected me too much. i still like to goof off, laugh and have fun. i'm still a bit of a brat also



littlebitxxx -> RE: Aging and stable relationships (8/9/2007 6:39:12 PM)

I think age can play a large part in a relationship if the two wish to go long term.  Playing with 20-somethings is a huge ego boost for sure, never mind the fact that the young ones seem to have more stamina ;), but there is just something about kneeling and serving to, or taking directions from, someone the same age as my son.  My first introduction into the lifestyle was with a 45 yo when I was 22.  Again, fun to play with but couldn't see it lasting very long. 

I would have some serious issues if I were to start an LTR with someone much much younger.  What would happen when:  my age started medical and health issues arisinig, my arthritis doesn't allow certain movements,  when my old age security kicks in and he hasn't even gotten 20 years for a pension?   Would he still need me, would he still feed me when I'm 64 (as the song asks). 

At this time of life, in the high side of 40's, when I searched for long term I searched for someone close to my own age so we can grow old together with the same age issues, the same health issues.  It's so very nice to discuss music and both know the bands when they were still alive, to reminisce about old TV shows from growing up days, to have the same values and outlook about schooling and dining out and bra-burning and and...   We've both had life experience to support what we have become and what we have learned about ourselves and are old enough to know ourselves so we can let the other know too.  There's no posturing or trying to be someone else in order to gain approval...we are who we are and we're comfortable in our skins (which is going to wrinkle and sag together...lol) and too old to care what anyone else thinks. 

Writing this, I can just see my man reading and laughing and nodding his head.  We have discussed this age thing too and have agreed that a pair of old comfortable slippers beats one old slipper and one new sneaker anytime.

Love and light,
sage



lateralist1 -> RE: Aging and stable relationships (8/10/2007 1:30:44 AM)

The reality is that in general women live a lot longer than men.
They can also be sexually active for a lot longer.
Men tend to be more interested in career and money for their status.
That is changing slowly though.
Men of my age are too old for me again that's a generalisation.
Ok I  may not have the same taste in music etc but those things can change depending on who you are and what you are open to. Relationships are a journey into the unknown that's what's so fantastic about them. Some are transient some aren't but you don't know which will be which when you start one. Being open to the possibility that this one might be the one and then coping with the fact that it isn't is part of emotional maturity. Being able to live life in the present while doing some necessary planning for the future is part of living a balanced  life. That's where I am at the moment. I have achieved it later in life than I would have liked but then I always have been a late developer.



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Aging and stable relationships (8/10/2007 9:44:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx

I think age can play a large part in a relationship if the two wish to go long term.  Playing with 20-somethings is a huge ego boost for sure, never mind the fact that the young ones seem to have more stamina ;), but there is just something about kneeling and serving to, or taking directions from, someone the same age as my son.  My first introduction into the lifestyle was with a 45 yo when I was 22.  Again, fun to play with but couldn't see it lasting very long. 

I would have some serious issues if I were to start an LTR with someone much much younger.  What would happen when:  my age started medical and health issues arisinig, my arthritis doesn't allow certain movements,  when my old age security kicks in and he hasn't even gotten 20 years for a pension?   Would he still need me, would he still feed me when I'm 64 (as the song asks). 

At this time of life, in the high side of 40's, when I searched for long term I searched for someone close to my own age so we can grow old together with the same age issues, the same health issues.  It's so very nice to discuss music and both know the bands when they were still alive, to reminisce about old TV shows from growing up days, to have the same values and outlook about schooling and dining out and bra-burning and and...   We've both had life experience to support what we have become and what we have learned about ourselves and are old enough to know ourselves so we can let the other know too.  There's no posturing or trying to be someone else in order to gain approval...we are who we are and we're comfortable in our skins (which is going to wrinkle and sag together...lol) and too old to care what anyone else thinks. 

Writing this, I can just see my man reading and laughing and nodding his head.  We have discussed this age thing too and have agreed that a pair of old comfortable slippers beats one old slipper and one new sneaker anytime.

Love and light,
sage


I think this was well put and on the money. finding that common thread of identity.. in someone  you bond with
what you say is so true...



Faramir -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/10/2007 11:12:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think the answer to your question will be found more in future generations- as people in their teens get into this right away.

Right now, the majority of people discovering the scene are already adults and going through a second adulthood- post their first vanilla marriage, post kids (often leaving the nest).  So it's hard to say whether it's an issue of age or an issue of life change. 

.....


Over the next few generations, we'll see what happens when teens go through that stage with kink as they already always have with dating.  What will their "second adulthood" crisis be?  Or will they be aware enough to not have one at all?


I think that's a keen observation.



UR2Badored -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/10/2007 12:01:03 PM)

I have not been in many relationships nor could I ever be accused of dating too much......but as I approach my 40's, I definitely am on the look out for someone who would be a life partner and not a mere playmate.  I often say, I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person, and as a result, I am alone.  However, I, too, often wonder how anyone could mentally jump from one relationship to another......as far as getting a divorce and within hours, days, or weeks finding a soulmate. I have never been married so I am lacking in any knowledge in that area.  Still, it seems like a blessing or a curse.  Is that settling or just uber great social skills--rhetorically speaking of course. 

BTW........thank you for an interesting topic.



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Ageing and stable relationships (8/10/2007 12:10:06 PM)

balance comes to mind. I did some work at nursing homes and it is just interesting to listen to them talk about their spouses it is about a lot of things i think really it has to be about value how much value things and morals after that is the glue that makes us who we are and anyone who infringes on that just tell them to kiss your hiny



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