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Insecurities - 8/9/2007 6:02:59 PM   
MissPriss88


Posts: 19
Joined: 4/5/2007
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I have spent many hours of my life in the past four or five months since joining collarme floating around the message boards looking for answers. And to which I must credit, I've learned more from the posts on this site than any other book, movie, or web site I've seen. Yet I'm almost afraid to ask my question, but perhaps it will help anouther submissive who sees it.

I've been in a growing "relationship" as much as He hates to call it that ... and it's my first with any true D/s dynamics to it. But as of recent I grow weary of my submission, and am constantly struggling with my own insecurities. Tonite He is gone, with another woman, and I sit at home alone. We have discussed the prospect of this happening, and I have always expressed to Him that whatever makes Him happy, makes  Him happy and that's all I've ever wished for.  But... here I sit alone at home, and I .... am not happy.  Did I decide, when I made my choice to submit to Him to give up my happiness for the betterment of anouthers? I haven't truly expressed any of this to Him, and I know the first answer I will receive is to express my fears and concerns to Him. Ah, allurette, communication is the key to any strong relationship. So write in a journal allurette, let Him know how you're feeling through a letter of sorts.... My whole life has been spent avoiding conflict and trying to make others happy.

But when I decided to submit, didn't that mean that I was supposed to make Him happy?.... and that my life was no longer about me? It's not so much that he's with anouther girl. It's the fact that I'm not enough, and it makes me hate myself. And to that He responds, but allurette, You are mine, and You know that, so my relationship with others shouldn't have any affect on my relationship with you. Is this true???? Should I.... believe this?? Is this... just standard?

Forgive how dramatic everything sounds, but these honestly are the questions floating around in my head.

Everything seems.... slightly overwhelming at the moment and I'm constantly faced with my own insecurities. I suppose my final question is, how do you, as a sub or a slave, deal with your own personal insecurities to move onwards in your relationship? When you know that you don't want to lose what you have, but can't see the light at the end of the tunnel?


*phew* that feels a little bit better already.




_____________________________

allurette.
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RE: Insecurities - 8/9/2007 6:08:49 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissPriss88

I have spent many hours of my life in the past four or five months since joining collarme floating around the message boards looking for answers. And to which I must credit, I've learned more from the posts on this site than any other book, movie, or web site I've seen. Yet I'm almost afraid to ask my question, but perhaps it will help anouther submissive who sees it.

I've been in a growing "relationship" as much as He hates to call it that ... and it's my first with any true D/s dynamics to it. But as of recent I grow weary of my submission, and am constantly struggling with my own insecurities. Tonite He is gone, with another woman, and I sit at home alone. We have discussed the prospect of this happening, and I have always expressed to Him that whatever makes Him happy, makes  Him happy and that's all I've ever wished for.  But... here I sit alone at home, and I .... am not happy.  Did I decide, when I made my choice to submit to Him to give up my happiness for the betterment of anouthers? I haven't truly expressed any of this to Him, and I know the first answer I will receive is to express my fears and concerns to Him. Ah, allurette, communication is the key to any strong relationship. So write in a journal allurette, let Him know how you're feeling through a letter of sorts.... My whole life has been spent avoiding conflict and trying to make others happy.

But when I decided to submit, didn't that mean that I was supposed to make Him happy?.... and that my life was no longer about me? It's not so much that he's with anouther girl. It's the fact that I'm not enough, and it makes me hate myself. And to that He responds, but allurette, You are mine, and You know that, so my relationship with others shouldn't have any affect on my relationship with you. Is this true???? Should I.... believe this?? Is this... just standard?

Forgive how dramatic everything sounds, but these honestly are the questions floating around in my head.

Everything seems.... slightly overwhelming at the moment and I'm constantly faced with my own insecurities. I suppose my final question is, how do you, as a sub or a slave, deal with your own personal insecurities to move onwards in your relationship? When you know that you don't want to lose what you have, but can't see the light at the end of the tunnel?


*phew* that feels a little bit better already.


The struggle makes us stronger.  Only you know if the truth is, in fact, the truth.  Nobody will have to be happy with the choices we've made, except the person looking in the mirror.

Everything else, is conjecture.

Stephan


< Message edited by Stephann -- 8/9/2007 6:09:40 PM >


_____________________________

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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: Insecurities - 8/9/2007 6:55:41 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissPriss88
It's not so much that he's with anouther girl. It's the fact that I'm not enough, and it makes me hate myself. And to that He responds, but allurette, You are mine, and You know that, so my relationship with others shouldn't have any affect on my relationship with you. Is this true???? Should I.... believe this?? Is this... just standard?



We can't know if what he says is "true" or if you "should believe it."  You know him, we don't, so you'll have to make that call.  As far as it being "standard," however, let me assure you that it is not.

Many dynamics include one or more partners having other partners outside the original relationship.  Many do not.  Whenever this subject comes up around here, there are many subs/slaves who outright say that if their dom/master wanted another, they'd be "outta there" without a second thought.  Are some right and some wrong?  Not at all.  To me it all depends on what was agreed upon within the relationship.

Before you "submitted" to him, this would have been a good time to discuss this.  If he was adamant that he was going to continue to have others, then it would have been your choice to make whether or not you could accept that and live with it.  That doesn't seem to have been established, however, and now you're finding it hard to deal with. 

I think you need to do some soulsearching and determine whether or not you can remain in a relationship where he is going to have others.  If you can't accept it, then you need to make that known and decide if you're going to stay.  If you decide you can't accept it but you just remain silent and resentful, that can only lead to heartache for all involved.  Decide what you want and discuss it with him.  You're going to have to talk it out and see where things go.

Just a sidenote, however.  When I first began my relationship with Master, He made it clear that He had the desire and the right to be with other women should He choose to do so.  I wasn't what you'd call happy about it but I decided it was something I could indeed accept.  I felt like you do - like I wasn't "enough."  If I was everything He needed and wanted, why would He want others?  He assured me that it wasn't that I wasn't "enough."  I never could really accept that however.  Time went on and He chose not to see others yet, for whatever reason. 

I found that the more I was with Him and the closer we grew, the less the idea bothered me.  It was all about my insecurity, as you say.  When I finally got to the point that I realized - I KNEW - that I am His and nothing is going to change that and no one is going to replace me, I was able to let go of not feeling like "enough."  It's not something He pushed me to do, it just happened gradually over time.  As I saw more and more how much I could trust Him and as I felt more and more secure in being the love of His life (His words), the idea lost all it's sting.  We had always planned to "play" with other women together but now the idea of Him being with them without me doesn't bother me in the least.  I can't really explain why other than to say I finally felt secure.  Good luck to you...............luci 

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 8/9/2007 6:57:00 PM >


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RE: Insecurities - 8/9/2007 7:17:27 PM   
windchymes


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Well, if sitting at home, basking in the glow of knowing you are "his" while he's out gallivanting around with other women is what you want out of life then you have a satisfying relationship. 

But if you'd really rather have a man of your own who doesn't have the need to have other women, too, then you should chalk this relationship up to a learning experience and begin searching for that which makes you feel good inside, that satisfies BOTH of you. 

You have the choice.  Just because you are a submissive doesn't mean you have to be HIS submissive.  And it doesn't condemn you to unhappiness.  No, it's not ALL about making him happy at the expense of your own happiness, unless you want it to be that way. 

Find a partner you are compatible with.  You'll be much happier for it.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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RE: Insecurities - 8/9/2007 7:35:22 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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The cool thing about consent is that we get to choose the relationship that fulfills US.

Submission does not mean you are a martyr, and you are not a bad submissive just because you know X Y and Z won't work for you.

But you should do the right thing and work out what will make you fulfilled BEFORE making a commitment.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Insecurities - 8/9/2007 7:44:30 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
The cool thing about consent is that we get to choose the relationship that fulfills US.

How true.  And if it fulfills you to be able to accept that you aren't the only woman in the world your SO wants involvement with, that's cool too.  As I very specifically pointed out in my first post, the same thing doesn't work for all relationships.  I personally find it interesting just how many people would throw their whole relationship away if their SO wanted to be with another.  I can't totally understand that.  But, that's ok because I'm not in a relationship like that. There are many of us who can accept something other than monogamy as what works for us.  That's just as ok as the ones who will only accept monogamy.  No one is wrong here.  The key is, as you and I have both said, they need to get on the same page quickly since it wasn't discussed in the very beginning.......luci

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To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

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RE: Insecurities - 8/9/2007 8:48:01 PM   
Celeste43


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There is no should in the human heart.

You've tried having an open relationship and discovered that it isn't working. You could try different things that may or may not help the situation or you can say that you aren't able to do this any more. You need to decide for yourself what you need to be in a good relationship that meets your needs. Yours not his, his needs are his responsibility and yours are yours. But the downside to saying you can't stay in this relationship is that there will be hurt you need to feel before you can move on and look for a relationship which would be more fulfilling. Your decision, pain now or pain later.

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RE: Insecurities - 8/9/2007 9:22:53 PM   
SimplyMichael


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For someone who is only 19 and new to all this you posted a rather clear outline of where you are at, too bad your partner is unaware of that.  However, I don't think it would matter because he has spoken about what he wants, he is out with another and left you at home.

What makes BDSM magical is that at its best it encourages us and allows us to explore what we want and how we want it.  He is exploring his you aren't.  You have every right to explore yours.  Perhaps if he does a better job of making you feel safe/loved/secure/etc you will find happiness in the current situation.  If not, and a long heart to heart doesn't allow the two of you to figure out a way to allow you to explore your wants and needs it may perhaps be time to part ways.  No faults on either side, you just grew and discovered your path is different than his.

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RE: Insecurities - 8/9/2007 9:36:58 PM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
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You have your own set of morals, values, and standards, are you strong enough to live by them?

If it is monogamy in a relationship you seek, then there is nothing wrong with that. I guess you can accept the notion that he was honest and integral enough to be truthful about the situation.


It depends upon your own self respect darl, you are certainly going to feel very bad when your Doctor tells you, you have some incurable sexual disease. If your Dom is not treating you right, then find one who will.
Its such a shame that a lot of men don't actually know what they have right in front of them until it is gone.
There are submissives who would not have a problem with this, and some who do. There are also Doms who respect and value their existing relationship. There are men who are sluts, and women who are sluts and there are both who are monogamous.

Think about if it is just insecurity or a set value of your own.
How would you have felt if he said 'i am bringing a girl home for us to both enjoy, and i am going to Dominate her to give you lots of pleasure.'



< Message edited by ExquisiteFeline -- 8/9/2007 9:42:46 PM >

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RE: Insecurities - 8/9/2007 9:50:41 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
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Being submissive isn't about sacrificing your happiness for someone, it's about finding happiness with someone who meets your needs as well. You don't sound very happy in your current situation.  Just because you are a sub doesn't mean you have to accept anything he dishes out.   Negotiate what you want from a relationship and when you both set those parameters you can then securely, and hopefully happily, submit to him with a joyous heart. 

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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RE: Insecurities - 8/9/2007 10:01:37 PM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
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I once had a relationship where my partner could not stop thinking about a woman from his past. He came to me and said he had to find her, that he was still in love with her, and had been masturbating over her. I tried to introduce Tantra, every morning afterwards, he would say the same thing, so on the third morning i said "If you need to do this so badly, that is fine, i will accept that." And explained how i had met a gentleman at a Tantra workshop and he was curious about me, and if he was trotting off to Sydney for this woman then i will explore this other option. He was totally fine with that.
Two weeks later, Tantra man and i only had got as far as caressing each other from our fingertips to elbows, we had not even kissed yet, but we had spoke a lot, and had a lot of other fun times. i was besotted. My partner, had been to Sydney and back only to find that the love of his life was happily engaged and almost married :) Don Don, he was was left with a broken family. There was no way in hell i was going back now, although he tried to put me through hell for it, and still 7 years later he is totally convinced that i cheated, and ruined the relationship. People get what they deserve, although they will try their damed well best to make you feel bad or it. Tantra man and i only lasted three months, because the ex kept 'trying' to beat him up! But hey, Tantra man and i are catching up for some Shibari shanaginns very soon ;) Prob about the same time i once again go to court with the ex, one day he will stop blaming me, and trying to fight me, and actually live up to his responsibility ;)

You've got a lot of years left in you darling, its your life. Dont waste it. You a gorgeous and have a pure heart, dont let anyone destroy you, you are to beautiful for that.

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RE: Insecurities - 8/10/2007 12:15:42 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

The cool thing about consent is that we get to choose the relationship that fulfills US.

Submission does not mean you are a martyr, and you are not a bad submissive just because you know X Y and Z won't work for you.

But you should do the right thing and work out what will make you fulfilled BEFORE making a commitment.


The thing about new relationships, is that we have the chance to try new things.  The first time I ate lettuce, it made me want to hurl.

I learned that it wasn't lettuce I hated, it was iceburg lettuce; that a certain type was ok, while others are not.  We don't come out of the box knowing what types we will like and what types we won't.  What we enjoy is not static, either.  And, especially, what we struggle with isn't always the type of lettuce, but rather the reason we're forced to eat it (In my case, my bitch step-mother trying to literally force it down my throat.)

My point is I hate monday morning quarterbacks who say what should have been known when there was obviously no way for anything to be known.

Nothing in the OP suggests to me that poly is the problem.  Everything suggests that there are other issues not being resolved, and that his being with another woman is a quick and simple goat to assign the blame to.  Removing that element from the equation doesn't seem likely to address any of the root causes.  The OP already states she knows exactly what she isn't doing right; communicating her needs, setting goals, and following through with them as best she can.

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: Insecurities - 8/10/2007 6:22:41 AM   
UR2Badored


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If your profile is accurate, you are very young and yet able to recognize your insecurities.  We all have insecurities......we can only grow as human beings by either accepting and recognizing the insecurity as a limitation or as something to work on.  If you are hurting......it may be a limitation or better yet a standard being established.  There are so many people who cannot even recognize their insecurities and life often becomes stagnant without self awareness and reality.  All I can say or add......is be true to yourself and ONLY you can determine what that is.....life is too short to be unhappy.

In the words of Robert Frost: "In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on"

_____________________________

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way
Mark Twain

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RE: Insecurities - 8/10/2007 7:34:39 AM   
kossack


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I would add one more thing to what everyone else said (which I think is spot on).  You will be a far better partner to someone who doesn't trigger this feeling.  So, even if you are only looking at this as to what is good for him, what is good for him is to find someone who is fulfillfed in the relationship he wants.  Maybe this isn't central to his views, it is just fun, and when you let him know how you feel, he can let it go.  But I doubt it.  Sooner or later, you will grow resentful with the status quo and you will begin to hate him and you will feel bad about hating him and then you will hate yourself for hating him, or something along those lines.  But what it boils down to, is that you can't joyfully submit to what he wants you to submit to.  You can't grow in confidence and joy and beauty and wisdom with something like this knawing at your soul.

(And frankly you are young and gorgeous and self-aware and wise, so you will have NO problem finding someone who is more compatible with you.  I'm a straight chick--that isn't a pick-up.  Just a fact.)

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RE: Insecurities - 8/10/2007 7:46:35 AM   
MissPriss88


Posts: 19
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Well it's the morning after... and I woke up alone in my bed feeling, decently okay with things. He had promised that He would call last night before He went to bed, but He never did. I can't really say that I'm surprised. But I still texted Him and wished Him a good day. I feel, a little bit empty but I know that I'm still His, and after He gets back into town on Sunday, He will be back in my apartment, and perhaps things will be the same as they were before.

But somehow I don't feel like it's important enough to me to pursue other relationships over. I like Him a lot and I'm comfortable with the way things are now... if nothing else, it's made me realize once again, that all I have is myself, and at the start of a new day I still have to wake up to the same eyes in the mirror: mine. So I have to look at what will make that girl happy... and I can remain decently happy with Him for now and keep my focus on what I need to be working towards, my music, my schooling, and.... whatever else gets brought my way.

It sounds like I'm settling, and perhaps I am. But for right now that feels right. And what I've gathered from all of these posts is that... I have to do what feels alright to myself. I think I can be alright.

Thank you to everyone who posted.




_____________________________

allurette.

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RE: Insecurities - 8/10/2007 7:50:02 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Ahh it's so great seeing a relationship based on lethargy, inertia, and ignoring what's going on.

What we all dream about really.

_____________________________

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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Insecurities - 8/10/2007 7:53:24 AM   
SimplyMichael


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At 19 and going to school, no relationship is more important than school.  If it works but is imperfect, who cares, if something better comes along fine.   It isn't like he is going to be your life partner!

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RE: Insecurities - 8/10/2007 8:42:04 AM   
MissPriss88


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And that was my final decision school and other things are the most important to be focusing on right now. If things work they do, if they don't they don't. No sense in worrying about it now as I have no long term plans relationship wise.

_____________________________

allurette.

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RE: Insecurities - 8/10/2007 9:06:57 AM   
ExquisiteFeline


Posts: 124
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Oh Dear, and i dumped my Dom over a packet of Tim Tams...

But that is just me nipping the bud.

i would have done exactly the same thing at 19, actually i basically did, guess thats why i have such a low tolerance level of bullshit now. If only we knew, at the start, what we know at the end of a relationship, would we have our red flag alerts on? Prob not. i repeated that pattern until i was 33. Now the flags need not start waving, a sight of red, and 'woarp! woarp! Emergency Exit to the right, all senses report to brain.'

But, i am glad you came to a resolution in yourself, that is the main thing :)





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RE: Insecurities - 8/10/2007 9:31:54 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissPriss88

Yet I'm almost afraid to ask my question, but perhaps it will help anouther submissive who sees it.
 
What are you actually afraid of... that we'll rip into you... or maybe where the answers might lead you?

quote:

I've been in a growing "relationship" as much as He hates to call it that ...

Now why does he "hate" to call it that?  Growth is a healthy thing, its part of being alive.  If you aren't growing, you're dead.

quote:

But as of recent I grow weary of my submission, and am constantly struggling with my own insecurities.

Is it your submission you're weary of... or just the situation?  Just a first impression, but I don't think its the serving or the pleasing or the submitting you're tired of.

quote:

 Tonite He is gone, with another woman, and I sit at home alone. We have discussed the prospect of this happening, and I have always expressed to Him that whatever makes Him happy, makes  Him happy and that's all I've ever wished for.  But... here I sit alone at home, and I .... am not happy.

I'd ask why you aren't happy, but you answer that below.  I am curious, why he didn't take you out with him as well.  Personally, I'd much rather have a woman on each arm, than just one and one at home.

quote:

  Did I decide, when I made my choice to submit to Him to give up my happiness for the betterment of anouthers?

Like Em said, being a submissive does not mean being a martyr.  It could, if that's what did it for you (and there are some for whom it does), but you don't seem the type.  You ought to give that some thought regarding what you do need.  Like you said, this is a growth relationship, you're learning about yourself and this lifestyle, exactly what you should be doing.  So learn, grow, explore yourself, get to know yourself better.

quote:

 I haven't truly expressed any of this to Him, and I know the first answer I will receive is to express my fears and concerns to Him. Ah, allurette, communication is the key to any strong relationship. So write in a journal allurette, let Him know how you're feeling through a letter of sorts.... My whole life has been spent avoiding conflict and trying to make others happy.

You're right, at some point you need to discuss it with him.  But right now sounds like you need to discuss it with yourself.  My impression is you're still coming to terms with your own feelings.  I know there is that urge to just supress things and avoid any potential conflict... but that's not healthy.  Those feelings are going to seek some form of expression anyway, and if you keep repressing them, odds are that form of expression will be destructive when it happens.

quote:

But when I decided to submit, didn't that mean that I was supposed to make Him happy?....

Yes

quote:

and that my life was no longer about me?

I never liked seeing it put that way.  I view it as being a little more complex than that.  More about putting his wants above your wants, his needs above yours... but at the same time, both's needs need to be met.  Saying that your life is no longer about you too easily sounds like you cease to exist, that there's no consideration given to you... and that would not be healthy.

quote:

It's not so much that he's with anouther girl. It's the fact that I'm not enough, and it makes me hate myself.

What if you never could be enough?  That's a very romantic thought, that one person can be everything another person needs... but its unlikely to ever be literally true.  It also assumes everyone has the same needs and that everyone wants monogamy... neither of which are true.  You might be a wonderful person, a great lover, and terrific submissive... but suppose he simply needs more than just one?  Can you be two people?  See what I'm getting at?  It hurts you because it makes you feel like you are LESS than what you thought.  What if that isn't the case at all?

quote:

And to that He responds, but allurette, You are mine, and You know that, so my relationship with others shouldn't have any affect on my relationship with you. Is this true???? Should I.... believe this?? Is this... just standard?

I think its a bit naive of him to think his relationships with others won't affect you... they absolutely will affect you both.  However, he may also be trying to say essentially what I said above, that his wanting someone else isn't a reflection on you, it doesn't mean you are any less.  Whether that's the case is something you need to decide.

quote:

Everything seems.... slightly overwhelming at the moment and I'm constantly faced with my own insecurities. I suppose my final question is, how do you, as a sub or a slave, deal with your own personal insecurities to move onwards in your relationship? When you know that you don't want to lose what you have, but can't see the light at the end of the tunnel?

I can only tell you how I deal with it as a dominant when, inevitably, I see a slave I'm in a relationship struggling with her insecurities.  I put my arms around her, I hold her, I talk to her, I remind her of the good things about herself, and I help her see that her fears aren't as big as she thought.  I try, metaphorically, to lift her up on my shoulders and change her perspective... because fears and problems always seem smaller when you're looking down on them from above.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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