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julietsierra -> RE: Being new, do we put to much pressure on ourselves... (8/10/2007 3:56:03 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SayaNereida
I've only been here a short time, but have been reading the posts every day. There have been many like me that are new and groping for understanding.
I'm beginning to wonder if many of us don't put too much pressure on ourselves, our partner, and the relationship by trying to understand, define and live a certain way.
All the questions of; should a Dom/sub/Master/slave do ***, am I a true/real *** and on and on.
I ask this, how is this type of relationship truly any different than any other relationship you have?
Did we need others or a book of rules to define us as daughters, wifes, mothers, fathers, sons, husbands, etc.?
There are no rule books for ANY relationships, why do people believe this is any different?
By the way, IS there a rule book or bible to bdsm that I haven't found yet? [sm=whoa.gif]
Actually, I'm going to go against the grain somewhat and say that for the most part, I don't think we put enough pressure on ourselves. Many of us walk into these kinds of relationships expecting things to be the same as they were in our other relationships. We play games and take stands all under the guise of "submission" when in actuality, we're still involved in power struggles.
Sometimes it takes some work to just shut up and see what happens rather than taking a stand and demanding things be a certain way when we have no understanding as to why we're making those demands.
When I first discovered all this, I spent a lot of time reading - not to find out what to do, but to see if how people were saying they were living their lives matched my ideas of how people should treat each other. Then I spent more time figuring out if I could live by the tenets I found in my studies.
As I learned more (and unlearned even more than that), I "tried on" different aspect of this life. Simply watching it from the outside was no way of learning whether it resonnated with me or not. So, yes, I tried to act in certain ways. Some of them were very wrong for me, some of them have clicked and I've adjusted my behavior and ways of thinking to incorporate those aspects into my life so that they are an integral part of who I am.
When I found someone who would teach me how he wanted things done, I embraced them wholeheartedly. First of all, I made a committment and I don't break my committments, so I did these things because they were a part of the relationship I was in. Most of all though, I did these things to see how they played in my head and with my emotions.
I worked hard and placed very stringent demands on myself - sometimes I think, they were even more stringent than the demands he made on me. I did this for a purpose and I was rarely swayed from that purpose.
When that relationship ended, I took all he taught and then just sat still while I allowed things to sort themselves out. Of all the things he taught, there were some that I found really didn't work for me. Those things I let go. There were some things he taught that have had a major influence in my life and those are the aspects of that relationship that I've held onto. Those were the aspects of a D/s relationship that I looked for in whomever might come along after that. And it was those aspects that I actively sought out and found in my Master.
Life with my Master is not always a bowl of cherries either, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Life is tough and sometimes I just want to utter "that's not fair!" but never in my life have I worked so hard, pushed myself so strongly or learned so much. Along the way, I've discovered things about myself that simply going with the flow and operating as I always had done in vanilla relationships would never have shown me.
My goal, now, as it has always been has been to become better at what I do, stretch myself to that line between growth and damage and assimilate what that teaches me about myself. I have never been the altruistic one mouthing the "if he's happy then I'm happy" mantra. I'm in this to be a better me. Through him, I'm being given opportunities to have this happen. Along the way, I submit and find myself more in tune with myself, and not coincidentally, more out of tune with how I might have lived my life in a vanilla world if I'd never heard of this.
So, while vanilla and D/s relationships can be similar, in a lot of ways, they are very different and for me, in my world, I'm learning what those differences are and finding out if I can live with them.
And no, there is no book that will designate a blanket way of acting for everyone, but there is good information in many books that will at least lead someone to contemplate how what they read might play in their lives and depending on how it resonnates with whomever is reading it, just may lead that person to a different way of responding to situations and people in their lives.
Ask any new mother who at 2 in the morning is frantically scanning Dr Spock's Baby Book while waiting for the pediatrician to return her call, and I guarantee you, there are books out there that do help mothers. If there wasn't the self-help section of the book stores wouldn't be so popular. However, just like with D/s, what anyone (mother, brother, sister, parent, daughter, etc) reads there will either be accepted or rejected, but once read, will become a part of our general knowledge and in subtle ways change us, even if we are rejecting what's been said.
juliet
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