RE: Power or Pain? (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/10/2007 5:30:28 PM)

This is a very thought provoking question, Bearlee.  I'm very glad you asked it.
 
As much as I like dispensing pain, after sitting and thinking about weighing the two for a while, I have to say power.  It goes along with another answer to a different question for Myself recently, and that being My stance with making do with Topping, rather than Dominating.  I didn't suddenly stop being a Dominant, but without the other half of a D/s dymanic, there's no submission half of the equation. 
 
While some might argue the point with Me, I don't see what occurrs during My Top/bottom scenes as real power.  They have a beginning and an end, and a very finite set of circumstances.  It is certainly not the same to scene with a friend as it is to scene with a submissive of My own.  They would be more akin of the difference in the vanilla world as to having casual sex with a friend with benefits, rather than making love to a partner where two are in love.  Just My take on that.
 
In the meantime, pain isn't exactly a disappointment.  Just like the analogy above, the lack of a life partner to make love to, might open the door for a fwb situation for the purpose of fulfilling the sexual needs a person has.  Sure some people chose celebacy instead, but not everyone.  I have reason to believe that not every two (or more) people who are having sex are completely and totally in love.  There are a lot of people inbetween.
 
So, in the end, I would have to say power, but dispensing pain is certainly fun these days.



adoracat -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/10/2007 5:40:31 PM)

if i didnt give Sir my consent, he wouldnt have authority over me.  i give it gladly, happy to be in his control.

today, his authority and pleasure was to treat me like a treasured posession, and be lovely dovey in public...then take me home and deny me orgasms till HIS pleasure....and i was happy to hold back since it pleased him so.

if i didnt give him the control over me....neither one of us would have gotten the pleasure from it.

kitten, who got her permanent collar today......



SunNMoon -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/10/2007 6:03:42 PM)

(fr)

For me it’s about the power and control. I do not have much experience with pain play really. I find the power to be an amazing feeling to have control over someone, and during certain special times to give it up in turn. This steams from my love of bondage.
                                               
Now for pain play it’s something which I’m very much tempted to try I just need to find the right partner in crime first.




BoiJen -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/10/2007 7:23:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearlee

 
Power or Pain?
 
Okay, this is NOT a thread to fight over which is better or more about BDSM.  Hopefully this will be an adult conversation regarding your thoughts of both Power and Pain…and how, in your mind, either adds to or draws you interest here.  I’ll start:
 
I see my interest in BDSM as primarily an interest in D/s.  Having said that, I’ve spent about four years in ‘the lifestyle’ and have become somewhat edgy, people have said.  I’ve been whipped bloody, have enjoyed needles run through my breasts, like hard play and welts & bruises.
 
For me pain goes hand in hand with humiliation and fear, too.  I’ve said before I subscribe to that bit about the conscious suspension of reality (OMG…can people really see me; is my flesh actually being carved off my body…I can’t believe I’m doing this, will he still love me when we’re done?)  But there is not much better than moving or stretching for the next day or seven…and remembering every delicious moment.
 
Still, I will say that what is even better than pain, for me, is the control, authority and power another may have over me.  It is most often a subtle thing, but can be as strong and direct as a handful of my hair grabbed from behind.    While I prefer sensitive, intelligent men there IS something about being bent over and taken; one hand holding me down on the small of my back, basically for his pleasure only…whenever, wherever, however.  <swoon>
 
What say you?


I'd rather not have to choose either over the other...both are my favorites..

yes I really do want botht th red and blue crayons please



MaamJay -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/10/2007 11:03:38 PM)

Congrats on your permanent collar!!

And to the OP ... it's both for both of my selves!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]



charlotte12 -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/10/2007 11:21:47 PM)

Well i'm still learning and discovering new things every day but i would say it is definetly more about the control for me than anything else. I used to think it was only about the power exchange but i have found that when i really feel that sense of authority over me (which does of course come with consent) i find myself enjoying many more things than i thought i would.

For the most part i don't enjoy the pain but when i am able to stop fighting it and accept his power to give me pain then i find myself actually pushing back towards the blows. So i think it's both for me but all stemming from the control.

When remembering things it is usually something very subtle that stands out in my mind such as a reminder to ask nicely for something (in that tone of voice) rather than the whips and paddles. For me those are just another show of his control.

Good question Bearlee. Perhaps i will think more on it and come back when i'm not so tired. That is all i have for now



littlebitxxx -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/11/2007 3:22:30 AM)

For me, this life choice started out as bottoming for scenes even though I was collared and we called it D/s.  I grew to love the pain and even since being released, I attend the local dungeon regularly for my "fix".  The biggest reason I asked for my release though was because of the lack of control or power he exerted over me.  I am a very strong willed person in r/l and I don't hold with wishy-washy Domination.  For it to be a true power exchange, I not only have to want to give it but he has to be strong enough to take it and use it.  Soft and gentle has its moments but forcefulness and even borderline harsh really gets me going.  And there has always gotta be the pain.......



interestingtimes -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/11/2007 3:23:33 AM)

quote:

But mostly I'm boring and just enjoy my partner. Our relationship is based on love and mutual compatibility, so that's what I can't get enough of.


Dam that is so sweet!!!...even an old cynic like myself smiled when I read that...



StellaByStarlite -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/11/2007 5:30:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It's not about power.  It's about authority.

I am a sadist, I get off on making others hurt- both masochistically and non masochistically.

But mostly I'm boring and just enjoy my partner.  Our relationship is based on love and mutual compatibility, so that's what I can't get enough of.





Ditto. After reflecting on the OP for a minute, I think that our dynamic here is based on comfort and security more then anything else. My husband and I interact in ways that are most comforting to us. All in all, we're very flexible. He doesn't "flex his power" too often, although he could if it suited his fancy.

Now, sexually speaking, I'm not a masochist at all, but hubby is a gleeful sadist. Taking the pain is an endurance challenge for me, lol.

I guess I have a hard time with the "control" concept because I take the definition literally. My husband does not control me, nor does he desire to. What he does want is authority over the household, though.




adoracat -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/11/2007 5:38:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay

Congrats on your permanent collar!!

And to the OP ... it's both for both of my selves!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]


thank you so much!!!  its a fine stainless steel cable that has a tiny silver heart with my name engraved on it attached. 

he said it made him think of me....dainty and feminine but strong underneath.  *blushes*  he does me too much honor.

kitten, who is still giddy



beargonewild -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/11/2007 6:12:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearlee

 
Power or Pain?
 
Okay, this is NOT a thread to fight over which is better or more about BDSM.  Hopefully this will be an adult conversation regarding your thoughts of both Power and Pain…and how, in your mind, either adds to or draws you interest here.  I’ll start:
 
I see my interest in BDSM as primarily an interest in D/s.  Having said that, I’ve spent about four years in ‘the lifestyle’ and have become somewhat edgy, people have said.  I’ve been whipped bloody, have enjoyed needles run through my breasts, like hard play and welts & bruises.
 
For me pain goes hand in hand with humiliation and fear, too.  I’ve said before I subscribe to that bit about the conscious suspension of reality (OMG…can people really see me; is my flesh actually being carved off my body…I can’t believe I’m doing this, will he still love me when we’re done?)  But there is not much better than moving or stretching for the next day or seven…and remembering every delicious moment.
 
Still, I will say that what is even better than pain, for me, is the control, authority and power another may have over me.  It is most often a subtle thing, but can be as strong and direct as a handful of my hair grabbed from behind.    While I prefer sensitive, intelligent men there IS something about being bent over and taken; one hand holding me down on the small of my back, basically for his pleasure only…whenever, wherever, however.  <swoon>
 
What say you?


Being another person who loves the feel of pain and the proper use of pain can and will send my over the edge. It's my belief that Power and Pain work hand in hand, almost like a symbiotic relationship. When I am engaging in a D/s dynamic, it's when I consentually hand over the Power to them is when I am able to enjoy the pleasures which I get from pain. One of the "lures" to S&M which draws me further in is this exchange of Power to experience the pleasures I derive from Pain. I can have the trust in my partner to learn and know how to properly use various methods to produce pain for pleasure.
  If I don't submit then pain is a negative sensation. Only when I consent to hand over that authority to another is when pain becomes a positive experience. The easiest way for me to explain is if someone just comes up to me and bites mye on the neck or other sweet spots, I will react in a negative manner. Yet if a Dom is who I trust and he starts biting away, he'll have me weak in the knees and I would agree to almost anything!



BeingChewsie -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/11/2007 6:19:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It's not about power.  It's about authority.



It isn't about power for you, for some people it is about power in all its forms, that being authority, control and influence. R uses all 3 to manage me not just the imposing of his authorty on me.



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/11/2007 6:22:59 AM)

The pain is just an adjunct to me. I love the power and authority and the pain just adds to the excitement and pleasure.



Cyntilating -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/11/2007 6:28:49 AM)

Bearlee
 
For Him, it was power/control/authority first and then pain as the expression of the control.
 
So I guess my answer is "both"....
 
For me  (as the honored receipient of that authority) it was giving over to him the control and authority first and then  accepting and wanting the pain as an expression of my need to show the physical level/depth of my submission to him.
The above was my 2nd relationship in the lifestyle ( lasted 10 years ) ..
My first experience was a 2 yr relationship and there was no emotional or mental leadership dynamic and was mostly about the physical/bdsm/ and pain. 
 
great topic..and I enjoyed reading your post <smiles> and can appreciate and relate to many of your feelings...
 
 
 
 



apiercedkitty -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/11/2007 6:47:16 AM)

Being relatively new to the whole BDSM style of life (as a definition of "new" to me - i started experimenting with it about a year and a half ago... decided about 6 months ago that it was something i wanted as part of my life and not just an "aside"), i don't know how valid my opinion will be or how long i'll hold said opinion. But... i find the power to be what does it for me. i'm nowhere near what anyone would define as a painslut - i don't like pain just for the sake of pain. What i DO like and CRAVE is giving up total control to Him. Knowing that, no matter what the situation is, i can trust Him to take care of me - both physically and emotionally - and i don't have to put thought into it - i just do as instructed.



imtempting -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/11/2007 7:21:54 AM)

I crave giving up control. Being denied things. So its power for me but saying that the person I give it upto has to be more intelligent then me (although I come off on here at times as being fairly un-intelligent I am the other).

Pain to me is a thrill but upto a certain point then it becomes not so fun pain but if im letting someone inflict pain on me it is someone I trust to be able to judge when enough is enough. Saying that I don't mean when the pain loses its fun factor for me but when I cannot take anymore.



chey -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/11/2007 11:03:11 AM)

Although my first D/s relationship was probably 9-10 years ago, I am still learning so much about myself. I was never interested in pain although in looking back there are so many things I was not interested in years ago that I do not give a second thought to now, they have become part of who I am and what I embrace. So time and experiences have changed me!

I have experienced play which involved pain simply for the play. While enjoyable I quickly realized it was not what put me into the headspace I craved. When he can look into my eyes, tell me what he wants from me, and I am able to respond "yes" with no second thoughts or concerns then he has gotten into my head. I am addicted to that feeling of wanting to submit to him on a level beyond play. For me that particular intensity does not come around often and I will hold out until it does. Once there though I am able to enjoy the more intense pain, but it is with his contact. Telling me that I am okay and looking into my eyes so that I know I am. Without that connection I feel alone, almost isolated and nothing more than a vessel to receive whatever it is that is being done to me, and have a harder time dealing with it.

So to answer the question I would have to say it is the power. I would choose that over the pain if I had to pick one. There is something though when you look into his eyes while he is inflicting the pain, they are so focused and, he is also floating....it does something to me to be able to give him that. LOL...I guess it must be "the eyes" that do it for me in re-reading my response!



Celeste43 -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/11/2007 11:46:20 AM)

Zero interest in s & m here. Power and bondage please. But power is more important. Knowing I can turn to him, or better yet have him see I'm getting in over my head and just take control is what I need. Being able to lean on someone is a new experience for me and an amazing one. No matter what, he's never accused me of being needy. I'm sure I am but he wants that from me and I want to give it to him.



interestingtimes -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/11/2007 11:58:46 PM)

For me it's the same, pain does nothing for me ....it's the wanting to give up control the power ..exchange..



hardbodysub -> RE: Power or Pain? (8/12/2007 6:04:13 AM)

Power, in spades. Being so under her control that I'm helpless, unable to resist even if I wanted to.
.
Pain is definitely included in my ideal femdom relationshipAlthough I don't enjoy the pain per se, I find her ability to administer pain, to make me take it, terribly exciting. It's merely one method used to achieve a goal, rather than the goal itself.

Pain has two useful roles for me:

(1) A tool for training, used in negative reinforcement, as in behavioral conditioning.
(2) Psychological reinforcement of control, used as a reminder that she's in control and can do what she wants, whether I like it or not.

That's what does it for me.



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