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RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:38:34 AM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
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In my humble opinion... if you loved Him like you claim, you wouldn't be worrying about what may happen in the future. you'd be trying to figure out how to make it work NOW. If you really think He would bother patching things up thinking He wasn't gonna eventually follow you out, why the hell are you wasting time worrying? That screams dishonesty to me - and i'd run like my ass was on fire.

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Post #: 21

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:41:34 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SubinMaine

i'm confused...you love him, you care about him. Long distance *IS* hard, no doubt, but if you truly love and care for him, why aren't you willing to wait until he's done with school?

Is there more to this story? i guess i don't understand, a lot of relationships go through tough spots...you try and work through them. According to your initial post, you two patched things up before you left. He's willing to follow (for now anyway) after he finishes school...why isn't that good enough?

Of course your relationship now is based on what you had in the past, that's what a relationship is...at least, to me it is.

Why is the only option to cut it off?

Forgive my curiosity...it just seems when someone cares for another, and they're not being mistreated in any way (at least you haven't said you've been mistreated), waiting a while to be together in RT again isn't too awful much to ask....

I have to agree with SubinMaine.. there has to be more good loves are something you just do not trash or end.. that seems to be the problem with our lifestyle no one wants to work at things.. first problem comes up oh lets dump them shakes head you know if every thing in life was easy we would all be rich or grand inventors.. take the time to know do not let fear and others force you into something you wiill regrett

(in reply to SubinMaine)

Post #: 22

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:44:28 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

tuesday, you're allowing your fears of what might be to determine a decision over whether to remain with someone whom you claim to love and whom you say loves you. So many people struggle to find that love and you're willing to toss it out with the trash simply because you're scared?

I'm going to sound like a royal bitch here, but damn girl, what a completely selfish and stupid motivation. What you're basically saying is that you're getting out now before he can decide he's grown past you and dump you himself.

You're willing to hurt him because you're afraid of what *might* happen.

It's only a year. A year is nothing. Do you think maybe that you're borrowing trouble here?

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Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

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Post #: 23

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:50:00 AM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

Either brake up or not. Only you can make that decision. When I last broke up with a gal a few months ago my best mate said its upto what you do but I am not going to say anything. Whatever way you go i'll be behind you.

Its never easy to brake up. There is never a painless brake up. Do it by phone as emails is gutless. The longer you leave it the harder it is.

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 24

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:51:04 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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I've generally gone by the idea that whatever the primary mode of communication is should be the mode of how you break up with them- with in person being the best choice no matter what.

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Post #: 25

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:53:14 AM

tuesdaycries

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

feastie, that is a huge fear of mine, that i'm being selfish and stupid. i know i was miserable living where he is, though, and wouldn't have been able to give him my best. i've also had long distance relationships before, longer than a year, and was burned very badly. once bitten twice shy. i'm not willing to hurt him for what might happen, though, i think i'm willing to hurting him because i am hurting now and i think neither of us have our needs being met right now. i know mine arent.

hope that makes sense.

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 26

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:54:20 AM

SubinMaine

Posts: 1888
Joined: 1/7/2006
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Tuesday, i kind of assumed there was more to the story, but i basically agree with Feastie here....if we all worried about what *might* happen in the future, none of us would EVER find the One. It's a chance, yes...and you certainly know him better than any of us but, in the long run, a year is not a long time to wait. you should be honest with him about your feelings on the long distance. Let him know that your fear is that when that year is up, he'll postpone again. Give him a chance before clipping him off at the knees.

Bossy, You could certainly be right....Tuesday, are your feelings changing due to the distance? If THAT is the case then breaking it off would be the route to go. However, everything you've posted so far is just fears and insecurities about what the future may hold...sometimes the chances are worth it and, if the year is up and he does postpone again, well then you'd have your answer and you wouldn't feel quite so conflicted.

Honestly, i cannot see a man "patching" things up knowing that he wasn't ever going to follow and be with you, i'd see him as taking the opportunity to start fresh and not even bother. To patch things up, knowing he doesn't plan on following through seems like it would be more work for him in the long run.

But that's just how i see it, i, of course, can and have been wrong in the past.

Best of luck to you in this decision...

sim

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That which yields is not always weak...

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 27

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:55:33 AM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

Hopefully the fact that this is difficult is not a surprise. Hopefully he has been privy to your ongoing struggles with it. I know Daddy would prefer that I let him in on the process and the possible solutions so we can get there together. Even if together means no longer together. But if you've been keeping all of this to yourself he will be surprised along with the hurt. Reality is you can't insulate people from hurting. You have to do what makes sense as straightforwardly and cleanly as possible.

Mind you if he is such a great guy I'd deal with the pain knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel. What is a year? In my lifetime it is not much at all. It passes quickly when you want it to and find ways to ease the passing. But that is because I have found that there are not all that many people who are truly compatible with me and it's worth a bit of short term pain for the long term pleasure of being with him.

The bird in the hand is worth 10 in the bush.

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Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 28

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 7:59:59 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
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My son, who is almost 25, was in a relationship with a young woman for a couple of years. They loved each other, lived together, planned on marrying. One day she got an itch and decided to "explore" a little though she professed to love him dearly. He finally grew tired of this and moved out, lock, stock & barrel.

Suddenly, she "realized her mistake" and has been begging him to take her back ever since. He, however, has moved on and has no intentions of ever taking her back, although he sees her at the gym they used to go to together.

Make sure it's what you really want before you do anything permanent. People you can love that deeply don't come along every day. In the grand scheme, keeping in touch long distance for one year while they finish school is a speck in time. In fact, it could make being reunited even more special. But I can guarantee that if you truly love him as much as you're saying you do, you are going to regret breaking it off for something unknown. And as soon as whoever's giving you the itch lets you down, you're going to mooning around wishing you had your "love" back in your life.

Why don't you just leave things open? Maybe date some other people casually and suggest that he have the freedom to do the same, but see where you both stand when he graduates? It's only one year.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 8/11/2007 8:01:41 AM >

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Post #: 29

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 8:09:55 AM

tuesdaycries

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubinMaine

Tuesday, i kind of assumed there was more to the story, but i basically agree with Feastie here....if we all worried about what *might* happen in the future, none of us would EVER find the One. It's a chance, yes...and you certainly know him better than any of us but, in the long run, a year is not a long time to wait. you should be honest with him about your feelings on the long distance. Let him know that your fear is that when that year is up, he'll postpone again. Give him a chance before clipping him off at the knees.

Bossy, You could certainly be right....Tuesday, are your feelings changing due to the distance? If THAT is the case then breaking it off would be the route to go. However, everything you've posted so far is just fears and insecurities about what the future may hold...sometimes the chances are worth it and, if the year is up and he does postpone again, well then you'd have your answer and you wouldn't feel quite so conflicted.

Honestly, i cannot see a man "patching" things up knowing that he wasn't ever going to follow and be with you, i'd see him as taking the opportunity to start fresh and not even bother. To patch things up, knowing he doesn't plan on following through seems like it would be more work for him in the long run.

But that's just how i see it, i, of course, can and have been wrong in the past.

Best of luck to you in this decision...

sim

i know if i wasn't confused, i wouldn't have started this thread. i can deal with things being hard, but i don't handle uncertainty very well. i know that if he had told me before i left, that it would be over a year, i probably would not have agreed. when he finally did tell me he wasn't going to finish school on time, he didn't ask me to wait, he seemed to assume i just would. i feel like i agreed, to please him while ignoring my own needs.

i know a year isn't forever. a huge part of it, is that it was supposed to be a small chunk of time which became a larger chunk of time. as our relationship(is that what it is still?) progresses, i become more and more convinced that he doesn't seem committed to finishing his school at all, and that it's a story he tells himself so he won't have to commit to anything more concrete in the future.

i think what's become clear, is that i need to tell him exactly how i feel, and let him decide what he wants. if he wants to be with me, he should be with me and if he wants to do what he's doing, than that is what he should do. i need to decide for myself what will give me peace.

thank you all for reading this

t

(in reply to SubinMaine)

Post #: 30

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 8:13:21 AM

e01n

Posts: 1472
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

My goodness you were very quick to judge... i am thinking you must like drama. Why do you assume she is being 'tacky' because she came to this forum asking for advice? She made the mistake of stating one line

"it's tough cuz i know he sometimes reads these boards too; we used to spend a lot of time laughing and talking about the ideas here."

You took that line and ran with it. You have zero idea if the last time he was on, was in 2005 and the chances of him seeing it are 1 in a billion. Frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself for being so quick to judge and immediately found her guilty of "lacking genuine humane decency".

Kettle meet pot; pot meet kettle.

Actually, I hate drama. And what is being proposed is one of the biggest sources of drama I can imagine: deception, betrayal and insult. Even if it's under a "new profile," enough personal information has been given that the person being dumped will be able to put 2 and 2 together enough to say that the conversation is about them.

I'm suggesting that before the OP happened, a moment of reflection on whether this is appropriate to discuss on the 'boards before actually breaking up with this partner would have been a good idea. Since that didn't happen, the best way to save face for all is to apologize to the person being dumped. Not for asking advice, but for asking advice in such an indiscreet manner. Or not breaking up with them as they'd have broken up with someone in the past. Or whatever.

My beef isn't with the persons involved - it's with the demonstrated lack of respect for ALL parties involved. And yes, that means tuesdaycries as well: she's insulting herself by not doing what she almost definitely knows to be the right thing.

I have flown off the handle in this thread. I have found out that I've been dumped like this before and I still harbor resentments towards those people. And it sickens me to think that someone else could possibly have this inflicted on them as well.

I apologize to all who read this thread, and will control my anger in the future.

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 31

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 8:13:47 AM

SnugasaBug

Posts: 49
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline

Good other option Windchymes. The only thing I could add, would be to try not to break the news to him during finals (testing) week. But I would still talk to him, and come from the angle of your fears. Good luck.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 32

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 8:23:01 AM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

I know I'm jumping in late in the game here, but I wanted to contribute. The way I see it, you've got to figure out what the truth is for yourself. What I mean is that I cannot tell from your original post if:
a) The patching of the relationship was sort of an afterthought on his part, not wanting to lose you as you were in the process of relocating and ever since then you've just been sort of drifting along in this long distance relationship but not really as devoted to it as you once were.
or
b) When things got patched up you really, really, wanted to still be in the relationship but circumstances dictated that you go ahead with your move and you are now greatly disappointed that he won't be joining you as soon as you originally thought.

Maybe it is neither, or something entirely different, but those are the scenarios that come to mind for me. Now, if you are still every bit as in love with him as always and it's just the distance, well let me tell you that distance is rough! I have been in a semi-long distance relationship with someone for a year now, though we actually "live" together when I'm not out of town for work. We are lucky in that we get long stints of time together, like a couple of months recently, before another period of separation. We also make sure to see each other once a month no matter what. The thing about distance is that it makes it all that much more wonderful when you do get to spend a weekend together. A year will go by very fast and if that's all it takes, or maybe a little more, then you should just keep doing the best you can for each other in the meantime. But if you think that the "problems" in the relationship, like why he released you in the first place or others, are actually issues that you no longer want to deal with, then of course it only makes sense to end the relationship rather than struggle through it.

Of course, this isn't even addressing your original question. I believe that a handrwritten letter, mailed to him, might be a good way to go. A letter could allow you to get everything out in a way he would understand and you wouldn't have to worry about crying on the phone while saying it. You could write it in such a way that it encourages further discussion, if you so choose, and perhaps he's call and you guys could talk about stuff.

I hope that helps, goodluck!

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(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 33

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 8:28:34 AM

missbehaeven

Posts: 41
Joined: 1/25/2007
Status: offline

Good morning tuesdaycries,

If it's not too hard from an emotional standpoint for you both, have you thought about asking him to remain just friends with you?
There is obviously an investment of caring and friendship already in the three years you spent together.
Perhaps re-evaluate where you both are in a year, if neither have met anyone else?
That would give him time to complete his education and you time to get settled into your job and home.
You've both been under tremendous pressure with real time responsibilities while trying to repair a relationship, and sometimes it seems you just can't seem to catch a break.
In a year you'll both have a different perspective and things may be brighter.
Even if the relationship doesn't work, a stronger friendship may evolve.

I hope things work out well for you both, and you find happiness...miss

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 34

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 8:36:54 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: e01n

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

My goodness you were very quick to judge... i am thinking you must like drama. Why do you assume she is being 'tacky' because she came to this forum asking for advice? She made the mistake of stating one line

"it's tough cuz i know he sometimes reads these boards too; we used to spend a lot of time laughing and talking about the ideas here."

You took that line and ran with it. You have zero idea if the last time he was on, was in 2005 and the chances of him seeing it are 1 in a billion. Frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself for being so quick to judge and immediately found her guilty of "lacking genuine humane decency".

Kettle meet pot; pot meet kettle.

Actually, I hate drama. And what is being proposed is one of the biggest sources of drama I can imagine: deception, betrayal and insult. Even if it's under a "new profile," enough personal information has been given that the person being dumped will be able to put 2 and 2 together enough to say that the conversation is about them.

I'm suggesting that before the OP happened, a moment of reflection on whether this is appropriate to discuss on the 'boards before actually breaking up with this partner would have been a good idea. Since that didn't happen, the best way to save face for all is to apologize to the person being dumped. Not for asking advice, but for asking advice in such an indiscreet manner. Or not breaking up with them as they'd have broken up with someone in the past. Or whatever.

My beef isn't with the persons involved - it's with the demonstrated lack of respect for ALL parties involved. And yes, that means tuesdaycries as well: she's insulting herself by not doing what she almost definitely knows to be the right thing.

I have flown off the handle in this thread. I have found out that I've been dumped like this before and I still harbor resentments towards those people. And it sickens me to think that someone else could possibly have this inflicted on them as well.

I apologize to all who read this thread, and will control my anger in the future.

I do not understand this what do you mean about drama i take it you know this person..and if this is about people involed who know each other sometimes it takes a kick in the ass to get people to talk about what they are going through think of it as a kick in the ass and comunicate just that simeple

(in reply to e01n)

Post #: 35

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 8:37:32 AM

tuesdaycries

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

thank you missbehaeven, it would be my hope that we remain friends. i sincerely doubt that if i end things now, that we will ever lay eyes on each other again though. i don't say that to be melodramatic, the distance really is very great.

(in reply to missbehaeven)

Post #: 36

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 9:06:35 AM

tuesdaycries

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

for anyone interested, it's over. the last words i heard were 'fuck you' before the hang up.

thank you all for your advice.

-t

< Message edited by tuesdaycries -- 8/11/2007 9:07:03 AM >

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 37

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 10:51:14 AM

countrygirl69

Posts: 36
Joined: 12/1/2006
Status: offline

hey T in my opinion for what it is worth .if the decision is made then you write a letter either real or electronic but you call him first,since it can not be in person that way if you end up breaking down (which you probably will) you can send said letter to get your feelings across and be honest about the thing I think I hear you saying the most ,you wouldnt mind waiting a year but do not want this dragged out to just keep you hanging on I think you say what needs to be said and move on it sucks but is not going to suck anyless if you wait longer

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 38

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 1:26:24 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Sending a hug, breaking up, no matter how it has been handled and been received, is a painful process. I know you came here looking for advice as to how to handle it sensitively, strikes me he wasn't as mature as it doesn't seem to have been received sensitively. Take time out to rebuild and find yourself again and be gentle to yourself. Hope you have family or a friend there with a shoulder to cry on.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 39

RE: long distance break up - 8/11/2007 1:51:48 PM

SayaNereida

Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tuesdaycries

for anyone interested, it's over. the last words i heard were 'fuck you' before the hang up.

thank you all for your advice.

-t

tuesdaycries,
I take this to mean you called and told him?

If that's true, perhaps now, take the time to write be it email or snail mail or both.

Explain, say all the things you said here and all you did not/could not say to us.

Perhaps, if he reads it, it will help him to come to terms with your choice.

Good luck and may you find peace on your path.
SayaNereida

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Anais Nin: Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. ...

(in reply to tuesdaycries)

Post #: 40

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