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Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 6:41:03 PM

brattybabe4u

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

I have been with a Dom for over a year.(my first an I am new to the lifestyle)..we tried a D/s relationship, but I "failed", having dominate tendancies. I could have been very good dom/submissive but he really wants a slave that keeps all calm and provides service and admiration AND ALWAYS AGREE. We would go to play parties and he would leave me standing there (I was not permitted to play) while I watched him slime all over any woman who let him, I was nonexistent.

So, we continued as "boyfriend and girlfriend" saying that I was not cut out for the "lifestyle". Our sex life is amazing, but this man is totally identified with his sexuality. I have accused him of using the "lifestyle" as a shield just to have sex with women. He is 24/7 on ALT and Collar Me hunting for subs and slaves using a canned response. He invites them over for the weekend. During that time I am forbidden to come over or even call. All my personal things are hidden or removed. The women do not know he has a vanilla "girlfriend".

Now, this woman has been driving from NJ to VA to see him (three day weekends) and I am tuned out. I am insanely jealous and broken hearted. This is not the first but one of the few invited back. When I pursue why he keeps her he says "because she serves me"..."wants me as a mentor"...I served him for a year.

He says jealousy has no place in the lifestyle. That at the recent M/S conference the Doms advice was pretty much "work it out or too bad". I have talked to him until I am blue in the face, offering compromises and asking for them. But its his way, "this is the way he is". My pain and jealousy is over the disrespect and lack of value I feel. BDSM lifestyle does not have "use people" in its constitution.

Tell me, am I wrong for feeling jealous and hurt? How do I deal with his multiple liaisons? I have threatened to go out and have my own fun....would that balance my feelings? As you all know, Doms have a unique way of getting right to your vulerable soul...the love for them is deeper, more passionate, loyal and at times obsessive than Vanilla love.

She is with him now....the three day weekend. Each weekend a piece of my esteem and heart dies. Help me do what is right for ME. Thank you.

Post #: 1

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 6:54:22 PM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

A) You were probably right about him using this lifestyle as an excuse for his sexual adventures.
B) Why are you still in this relationship? From the sounds of it, you appear to be the ONLY one who actually is.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to brattybabe4u)

Post #: 2

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 7:17:29 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u

BDSM lifestyle does not have "use people" in its constitution.

The BDSM lifestyle does not have a "constitution". It has people, good and bad.

quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u
Tell me, am I wrong for feeling jealous and hurt? How do I deal with his multiple liaisons? I have threatened to go out and have my own fun....would that balance my feelings?

Feelings are never wrong. They simply are. Right and wrong come into play when we choose what to do about those feelings. Ultimately, you have to decide what you want, and whether you want to remain in this relationship. From what you say, I can't see where this relationship has any upside for you. If that's the case, then leave.

quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u
As you all know, Doms have a unique way of getting right to your vulerable soul...the love for them is deeper, more passionate, loyal and at times obsessive than Vanilla love

Not really, they don't. Doms are human, which means at times some can be truly manipulative bastards. Vanilla types can do the same, however.

(in reply to brattybabe4u)

Post #: 3

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 7:20:24 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

The fundamental problem I see is he is searching for a different sort of doormat than you are willing to be.

(in reply to brattybabe4u)

Post #: 4

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 7:40:01 PM

abusablepaintoy

Posts: 29
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

You already know what is right for you, otherwise you wouldn't have asked. If I were in your shoes, what i would really want is permission and courage to do what I know is right. So I give you permission to do what you know is right, and have confidence that though it will be rocky at first, when you move past it you'll be much happier, healthier, a better person overall and a better sub for having experienced dealing with these issues. Just be sure to state your needs upfront, continue to stand up for yourself, and don't compromise yourself or your values, and you'll do just fine.

Good luck on your journey, keep us posted!

(in reply to brattybabe4u)

Post #: 5

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 7:55:50 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

god, please help me..I cannot read any more of these situations where women let men walk all over them in the name of the "lifestyle". stop the insanity already; get a backbone and find someone who will give you what you want, need and can deal with.

anything else is emotional suicide.

(in reply to abusablepaintoy)

Post #: 6

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 7:58:42 PM

brattybabe4u

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

You are right, I have been discarded and need to accept he is not what I thought he was and move on. That hurts but no worse than the humiliation I have subjected myself to all these months.

(in reply to Padriag)

Post #: 7

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 8:02:36 PM

brattybabe4u

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

When the "lifestye" is foreign to a newbie, an experienced DOM can easily convince that the game is played different than the vanilla world. Submission/service/slave...thats all new territory. We are SUPPOSE to be serving, abiding, doting.... Its easier to fall prey before realizing a creep is a creep....no matter what orientation, so give the newbies a break.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 8

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 8:06:40 PM

violetaelf

Posts: 74
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u

I have been with a Dom for over a year.(my first an I am new to the lifestyle)..we tried a D/s relationship, but I "failed", having dominate tendancies. I could have been very good dom/submissive but he really wants a slave that keeps all calm and provides service and admiration AND ALWAYS AGREE. We would go to play parties and he would leave me standing there (I was not permitted to play) while I watched him slime all over any woman who let him, I was nonexistent.

So, we continued as "boyfriend and girlfriend" saying that I was not cut out for the "lifestyle". Our sex life is amazing, but this man is totally identified with his sexuality. I have accused him of using the "lifestyle" as a shield just to have sex with women. He is 24/7 on ALT and Collar Me hunting for subs and slaves using a canned response. He invites them over for the weekend. During that time I am forbidden to come over or even call. All my personal things are hidden or removed. The women do not know he has a vanilla "girlfriend".

Now, this woman has been driving from NJ to VA to see him (three day weekends) and I am tuned out. I am insanely jealous and broken hearted. This is not the first but one of the few invited back. When I pursue why he keeps her he says "because she serves me"..."wants me as a mentor"...I served him for a year.

He says jealousy has no place in the lifestyle. That at the recent M/S conference the Doms advice was pretty much "work it out or too bad". I have talked to him until I am blue in the face, offering compromises and asking for them. But its his way, "this is the way he is". My pain and jealousy is over the disrespect and lack of value I feel. BDSM lifestyle does not have "use people" in its constitution.

Tell me, am I wrong for feeling jealous and hurt? How do I deal with his multiple liaisons? I have threatened to go out and have my own fun....would that balance my feelings? As you all know, Doms have a unique way of getting right to your vulerable soul...the love for them is deeper, more passionate, loyal and at times obsessive than Vanilla love.

She is with him now....the three day weekend. Each weekend a piece of my esteem and heart dies. Help me do what is right for ME. Thank you.

Saying that jealousy has no place in the lifestyle is like saying that -feelings and emotions- don't have a place in the lifestyle.. ... Jealousy is a human emotion which is allowed to all.. and he is provoking it more and more and has no right to tell you not to feel jealous.
As I see it.. He doesn't seem to love you, he just loves himself.. you love him... he won't change... what are you still doing there ? You don't sound happy with this arrangement.. it's driving you crazy.. Bottom line.. it's not a healthy relationship.

My 2cents.

I do wish you all the best in your decision..
'violet'

(in reply to brattybabe4u)

Post #: 9

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 8:14:52 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u

When the "lifestye" is foreign to a newbie, an experienced DOM can easily convince that the game is played different than the vanilla world. Submission/service/slave...thats all new territory. We are SUPPOSE to be serving, abiding, doting.... Its easier to fall prey before realizing a creep is a creep....no matter what orientation, so give the newbies a break.

I feel badly for you, I really do. I have been hurt in my relationships too. But you are not a newbie, you are of a certain age and with that age, comes wisdom. Whether you are a newbie to D/s or not, there are still red flags to see and not ignore and most of all....YOU know what your feelings are, vanilla or D/s, they are hurting you. We are only "supposed" to supporting, abiding, doting, whatever you want, when our partner is DESERVING of such loyalty.

So I cannot give you a break because when someone hurts you, it is their fault.

When you keep letting them, it is YOUR fault. Been there, done that, do not want the T-shirt again.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 8/11/2007 8:18:37 PM >

(in reply to brattybabe4u)

Post #: 10

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 8:18:46 PM

themischievous1

Posts: 151
Joined: 4/3/2005
From: San Antonio, Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u

I have been with a Dom for over a year.(my first an I am new to the lifestyle)...

What an awful intro into the lifestyle, bratty. I'm sorry you've had to experience the seamier side of things through your first "dominant." Frankly, I wouldn't do him the honor of gifting him with that title. What you describe is a manipulative user, out for self gratification without regard for anyone but self.

The really sad thing, bratty, is that creatures like this one do serious damage to those such as yourself, who are new to the lifestyle. These so-called doms destroy self esteem, annihilate trust, and run off or turn off truly submissive ladies. It's very unfortunate.

What you probably should consider now is gathering your things together and leaving this loser behind you. Look ahead and realize that it's now important to get extremely well educated if you plan to continue to submit. Do your research about how to stay safe and how to recognize a dominant who is worth submitting to versus one who will hurt and abuse you in various form and fashion.

Be selective. Slow down. Take your time and make your next partner prove that he is worthy of your submission.

Above all, realize your self worth. No matter what label you give yourself, realize that no one deserves to be treated the way you've described you were. That's not part and parcel of a "lifestyle." It's treating another human being like dirt. Submissive women who are healthy aren't going to tolerate this kind of trash for long. Seriously clue in to what you deserve. It's not this kind of treatment.

(in reply to brattybabe4u)

Post #: 11

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 8:19:45 PM

brattybabe4u

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Yep, good tough love message and you are absolutely right. They hurt you if you let them, and I did more and more I accepted the red flags. DONT IGNORE THEM.....when you see a red flag, RETREAT.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 12

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 8:36:26 PM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u

You are right, I have been discarded and need to accept he is not what I thought he was and move on. That hurts but no worse than the humiliation I have subjected myself to all these months.

From your description, you haven't been discarded, you've been kept around as a regular booty call. As for him not being what you thought, you need to look within yourself and consider why you didn't see him for what he was sooner. Sometimes we fool ourselves when we want something very badly, we see what we want to see instead of what is. The good news is you survived all this and all you have to show for it are some painful memories. Eventually that pain will fade and you'll be left with some lessons learned and hopefully a little wiser.

Somewhere above you mentioned you didn't think you were submissive because you hadn't been able to live up to his demands. I'd rethink that and re-examine yourself. Rather than not being submissive, you apparently weren't his kind of doormat, as Michael correctly pointed out. Whether or not you want to be a submissive in a future relationship is something you need to consider for yourself and keep in mind that your recent experience is not a good example of what's out there.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to brattybabe4u)

Post #: 13

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/11/2007 9:10:17 PM

brattybabe4u

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

You are right for politely saying I was his whore. I stayed around because he was very handsome, sexy, charming and attentive even though I knew, he always had a motive. I thought I could handle it...and never thought in a million years I would fall for the guy. I was looking for a casual relationship but was soon drawn in over my head. Now, I am going to step back and work on my self, do my homework, perhaps attend some conferences and workshops and learn before I attempt another relationship....a relationship of mutual respect.

I thank you all for your candid answers and reinforcing what I continued to deny. Maybe, just maybe, he learned something for the next one...(humm). I was "dumped" for causing too much drama when standing up for myself. When someone says they love you that should mean something.

Thanks again. I am going to keep reading throughout the message board and learn......any suggestions about become more knowledgeable please feel free to suggest. Your all great folks.

(in reply to Padriag)

Post #: 14

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/12/2007 10:28:23 AM

submittous

Posts: 345
Joined: 6/12/2004
Status: offline

All your feelings sound rational to me . The only question I have is why are you still there?

Here is a post I just made in another thread that just seems appropriate here too:

quote:

The best predicter of future behavior is past behavior.... only you know if you can live with this sort of thing in your future.

It is about you and your choices not him. Only you know how you want the rest of your life to be. Be honest with yourself and then trust your own feelings and usally the decisions are pretty easy to make.

Good luck

_____________________________

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving

(in reply to brattybabe4u)

Post #: 15

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/12/2007 2:54:58 PM

theq

Posts: 85
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112
Not really, they don't. Doms are human, which means at times some can be truly manipulative bastards. Vanilla types can do the same, however.

Aye.

I have a friend who has endured abuse of emotional dependence in a Vanilla relationship. Bastards come in all flavors....chocolate and vanilla.

I'm going to go out on a limb for saying this and possibly be flamed...

As a Dom in my relationship, my priorities are:
1. Her needs
2. My needs
3. My desires
4. Her desires

If I can't find a way to meet her needs...then perhaps I am the wrong Dom for her. I'll do my best to meet her legitimate needs.

If you're needs aren't being fulfilled...(sounds like they aren't) and you've conveyed this to your Dominant and they aren't listening...perhaps you need to consider releasing yourself, emotionally detaching, and moving on? Not saying it's the right/best thing for you to do...just something to consider.

Q

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 16

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/12/2007 3:19:46 PM

sweetcreeangel

Posts: 70
Joined: 6/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

does not have "use people" in its constitution.

Tell me, am I wrong for feeling jealous and hurt? How do I deal with his multiple liaisons? I have threatened to go out and have my own fun....would that balance my feelings? As you all know, Doms have a unique way of getting right to

Sweetie it is not good for you to remain with a man who is just using you as a "gf" whenever he wants.if you are truly interested in this lifestyle then go out and find yourself a real Dom.a D/s relationship isnt about O/one's needs above the other.so what if you dont meet His needs.there will be a Dom out there who will be perfectly happy with you.you are not wrong to feel jealous or hurt.E/everyone has feelings and therefore yours are not wrong.If you didnt sign up to be part of a poly life then leave and find someone who will discuss getting you a sister with you.If that is what Y/you both decide in the end.
i do hope this helps.
anyways
ttyl

(in reply to brattybabe4u)

Post #: 17

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/12/2007 4:31:54 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybabe4u

She is with him now....the three day weekend. Each weekend a piece of my esteem and heart dies. Help me do what is right for ME. Thank you.

Judging from the way this enitre post was worded, it seems you already know what is right for you.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to brattybabe4u)

Post #: 18

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/12/2007 10:10:43 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

My mother's advice: Ask yourself two questions. Would you miss him if he were gone? Is being in the relationship healthy for you? If the answer is no to either one, you need to reevaluate the relationship.

My advice: look at why you are staying in this relationship when your gut is telling you you deserve better. Are you hoping that, in some way, you will suddenly be good enough and he'll turn to you? He won't. And that has nothing to do with you being good enough. In fact, it has nothing to do with you at all and everything to do with how he deals with and/or avoids his own "stuff". What do you want out of this relationship? Are you getting it? Are you trying to buy it by selling something in yourself in hopes of getting it? If so, you know you deserve better.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to brattybabe4u)

Post #: 19

RE: Jealousy and Honesty - 8/12/2007 10:21:15 PM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

Someone once told me that if a relationship is hurting either of the two people involved, it's time for that relationship to end.

You already know what you have to do. You're just looking for validation before you do it. Do what needs to be done.

Good luck to you.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 20

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