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Questioning Your Ability - 8/12/2007 10:25:16 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
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We see so much written about the arrogance and bitchiness of Domina's--We get portrayed as these cold, man hating, gold diggers much of the time--if we are soft, we aren't real Dominas, if we are hard, we are bitch goddesses-----lol--however We ARE human...

My question Ladies, is this--have you ever met a submissive who was so marvelous, so awesome that you questioned Your ability with him/her? Did you overcome that or did you walk away? What did you do to overcome that feeling?

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 8/12/2007 10:26:56 AM >

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RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/12/2007 10:32:03 AM

Grlwithboy

Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

My husband. I'm not a paragon of perfect self confidence, and I don't think I should have to be. I question anyone who has no doubts about themselves regarding things that matter a lot.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 2

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/12/2007 10:43:17 AM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

Oh. Great Topic. I always have more to learn. I can't possibly be everything to everyone. I don't try.

I don't get nervous often though. If I get myself into a situation where I'm concerned I'll be lacking I don't remove myself; I aspire to make it happen. I push myself. If I fail then I fail and he either gets it or he moves on.

When I'm talking with someone new I don't try to build myself up in such away that I claim to be the end all be all. I rather them think I'll be "ok" then shock em if I do something really cool.

If someone doesn't like my human side well then it's time to move on. I know people who wonder "what do I do next?" How do I handle X?" "But he has more experience than I do?" Well his experience started somewhere too. It was probably fumbly, worried, and unsure of himself just as any new domina or one who comes across "the one who shakes her"

I have probably worried more about my general personality traits than my skills. Will I be funny? Damn those prepositions at the end of sentences. I hope we have something to talk about. Will my geeky gamer nature scare him away? (Not nearly enough people RPG on paper anymore. damn it. *S*)

We've all been there, we all return on occassion; tis the nature of the beast for humans.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to Grlwithboy)

Post #: 3

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/12/2007 11:12:05 AM

PairOfDimes

Posts: 324
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline

Provocative question!

I don't question my ability to interact with a particular person, no, but to do particular actions (physical or emotional) or behaviors, yes, absolutely, and sometimes quite legitimately. If a particular person is awesome, and compatible with me, and attracted to me, I don't typically question that anymore. :) I suppose I do question my ability to put up with certain difficult people, or to reject people gracefully and kindly, but that's not what this thread is about. When thinking about actions, when I ask myself the question, "Can I do this?" it gets followed immediately by "Well, do I want to be able to do this?" If the answer to the latter is a resounding yes, then I stubbornly set myself to making the former a resounding yes as well. If I'm tepid about wanting to do whatever it is, and I'm not sure whether I can do it, I don't generally try to ensure my ability to do it--it seems silly to work hard to do things I'm not all that interested in doing.

Is that where you were going with this?

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 4

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/12/2007 12:14:51 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

You mean like if they were competent in areas I was not? Professionally, I guess that's to be expected. I have a certain area I consider myself competent in, as far as a profession - it's only natural there are millions of people out there in other professions who know how to do stuff I just don't know how to do. This doesn't bother me at all. I value what somebody else "brings to the table" in that regard.

As far as knowledge of BDSM activity - I am not all that experienced as a Domme, and fully confess this upfront, so nobody has any illusions about that (and it doesn't seem to bother the new male submissive I have an interest in).

If someone's submissive personality has such a Bossy edge to it that I am questioning whether they'd really want to be in a D/s relationship with me as the Domme, I guess I'd probably talk to them about it, and see if there was some way we could work on altering their behavior to a point that things could work better between us.

If their looks, or other kinds of awesomeness made me "melt" to the point I wanted them to Dominate me (I am a Switch, so that's possible) I would confess that, and say I would try to work around it. Or else not confess it (it might ruin the vibe in the relatioinship) and try to adjust my own attitude. Either that, or give up and find someone I could feel more comfortable being a Domme too (this last option would probably be the hardest, though).**Or, maybe tell them and see if they could just act more submissive toward me - and maybe that would work? Dunno.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/12/2007 12:21:44 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to PairOfDimes)

Post #: 5

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/12/2007 1:28:50 PM

Smythe

Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

We see so much written about the arrogance and bitchiness of Domina's--We get portrayed as these cold, man hating, gold diggers much of the time--if we are soft, we aren't real Dominas, if we are hard, we are bitch goddesses-----lol--however We ARE human...

My question Ladies, is this--have you ever met a submissive who was so marvelous, so awesome that you questioned Your ability with him/her? Did you overcome that or did you walk away? What did you do to overcome that feeling?

Hi MH,

It's an interesting question. I think for me, if someone is so awesome and incredible it means that we have a connection and we get each other. So then I wouldn't worry about my ability to handle him right. If he thinks he is so awesome and incredible, I probably wouldn't like him in the first place.

Are you in this situation?

Smythe

_____________________________

Do not consider painful what is good for you.
Euripides

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 6

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/12/2007 3:23:34 PM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Now now Dear Smythe, no secrets yet---smiles.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to Smythe)

Post #: 7

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/12/2007 10:55:50 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

My question Ladies, is this--have you ever met a submissive who was so marvelous, so awesome that you questioned Your ability with him/her? Did you overcome that or did you walk away? What did you do to overcome that feeling?

Yes, I have. I took a deep breath...and continued to be myself, being as honest and as transparent as I can be in order to build a good relationship. We've known each other about two years now.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 8

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/13/2007 1:42:39 AM

NefertariReborn

Posts: 381
Status: offline

I do have moments like that. I wonder can I do this any better than I'm doing it right now or is this the pinnacle and it's all down hill or plateaued from here? In those moments, all the protocols get dropped and I look him the eyes and ask him for his honest opinion. he's had moments like that too. So Wwe're both a little insecure from time to time. Human?

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 9

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/13/2007 7:52:24 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

My abilities? No, I don't honestly question those.

But given how pretty Fox is (this isn't just me but the things I have heard about him from others for years now) there are time when I'm feeling generally down about the physical stuff that I wonder if I'm not attractive enough for him.

Then I just need to go give him and hug and feel how hard he gets from me just doing that to remember that in his eyes, I am the most sexy woman in the world. Heck, Tom agrees with him so I have to remember that these thoughts are exactly that: just thoughts in my head.

Of course those can be the most difficult for us to tackle.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 10

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/13/2007 8:57:54 AM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

Yep - once in particular. Was going to try out a strap on for first time. Learned my way around the anatomy using dildoes by hand on my boys first. I took one of the boys' harness home (but foolishly without the dildo) and tried it on - wore it around a bit, felt confident.

Then when we got together, I could not get the straps right and the dildo seemed to be pulling everything down - straps kept coming undone, slipping out and the dildo seemed to be all over the place. There he was leaned over, ass in the air, dick hard and quivering with excitment. But one strap kept popping off and I'd sit down and restring it. And then I approached his ass and had this overwhelming feeling that I would not be able to control the low slung dildo well enough to get it in his hiney and to pump at all. And I found myself wondering suddenly if I had the stamina and muscles, and had bizarre moment of appreciation for how men fuck. I then, much to his disappointment, abandonned the whole strap on thing and hand fucked him instead.

Have not restrapped up yet. But want to. Have since read up on Aakasha's advice and on Diane's site. Diane is a machine - great pictures for a sense of technique. I am reconsidering the particular harness itself. There is a local guy, sub hugi (looking for a Domme no less) who actually makes harnesses for BBW's in particular and have chatted with him a bit. Seems for BBW's, a harness that places the dildo higher works best for control cause our belly gets in the way.

So yeah, been there - it was not the boy but the equipment and physical mastery that psyched me out though.

< Message edited by ocilla -- 8/13/2007 9:04:05 AM >

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 11

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/13/2007 9:29:29 AM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

We see so much written about the arrogance and bitchiness of Domina's--We get portrayed as these cold, man hating, gold diggers much of the time--if we are soft, we aren't real Dominas, if we are hard, we are bitch goddesses-----lol--however We ARE human...

My question Ladies, is this--have you ever met a submissive who was so marvelous, so awesome that you questioned Your ability with him/her? Did you overcome that or did you walk away? What did you do to overcome that feeling?

I never questioned my abilities till I went online and searched out BDSM people and forums LOL

Once online, then it all became about trying to label myself and how other people might apply those labels to me. I was all over the place with them and in the process of trying to figure it all out, I’m sure I rankled some feathers.

I really wondered if I laughed too much, was too nice, if I stopped saying please and thank you, or smiled at my partner when he brought me coffee, this would make me not Domme to the community at large. This was just awful for me, as ‘the community at large’ is where I’m trying to find a partner.

When I was still searching for the meaning of me, in regards to my online label, a few mentioned you HAD to go to munches and you HAD to do this and that, and if you did this, then you were this. This was all breaking down for me into, if you weren’t super-human, then you couldn’t possibly control someone else…….

Then there are all those subs who are experts in so many activities. More activities than I ever thought of doing, even if I did some of those activities for awhile, I wouldn’t call myself an ‘expert’ at them, I just liked some activities and did them more often than not. I was quite perplexed, here I wanted someone with experience, yet feeling a bit intimidated with their expert status and how was I gonna hold up, considering their vast experience. Okay, okay, I know that Dom(me)s are never supposed to feel intimidated………still……..it can happen

Finally, and thankfully, I’ve slapped on a label that I think best applies to me and for me. I can still say please and expect to have it done. I can have good days and I can have bad days. I can still look at a cute puppy and say awwwww and it doesn’t mean that I’m undomly. I still get to cry if I’ve accidentally hurt myself and want comfort and reassurance, as I’m being rushed to the ER.

I did what I did the way I did it. I got to share it with the last person for almost two decades. They liked what I did, how I did it and did it with me. No pretense, no labels, just life the way I saw it…and he agreed.

I’m human, I get to have feelings and know that I don’t know it all and am comfortable with the fact that I don’t have to. I can work on that which benefit me and move past that which does not.

~Big

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 12

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/13/2007 9:48:43 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

OMG, I could hug you!! I have gone through some of the very things you have talked about---I was fine until "online labels. online rules and online expectations"---I went through that redefine struggle for a good year ages when I saw online stuff, then I went back to just being Me---I have lost a ton of potential submissives because THEY had that online fantasy ideal---pfftttt that wasn't Me--but then again, I didn't lose anything, for there was never anything real there--

BN2S--I cannot thank You enough for Your post, Your words of a real world, and a real world Domina--I hope these words ring true for those D's trying to learn and those s's that expect the fantasy---for after all when it is good, when both parties are real and human and adoring of that--there IS nothing better.

The next time I pass through Maryland, I am going to buy You a martini!

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to bignipples2share)

Post #: 13

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/13/2007 11:03:52 AM

yrstocollar

Posts: 95
Joined: 8/14/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314
OMG, I could hug you!!

Me too! Discovering CM and all the bdsm labels etc. has completely messed with my head and made me feel like I don't know anything.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 14

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/13/2007 11:10:46 AM

SDFemDom4cuck

Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
Status: offline

I think we all have those moments. While I have quite a healthy ego I'm not the end all be all of all things BDSM. I know that I have a great deal yet to learn regardless of how many years I've been around. I would look at it more as an opportunity to learn something new, to acquire a new skill, to grow and evolve. I'm doing that constantly anyway.

I'm of the "please" "thank you" and "perhaps you should " variety as well. My adherence to good manners doesn't mean there is any less of an expectation of having things done immediately. I have my "on your knees bitch" moments as well however "please" and "thank you" are more often a part of my demands.

Regardless of how marvelous, attractive and wonderful the sub...if they can't accept, understand and want Me for exactly who I am....well then they aren't the sub for Me. It's that simple in my book. I've never really been intimidated by someone. Like I said, I have a rather healthy ego. Momentary nervousness or awkwardness is another thing all together.

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 15

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/13/2007 11:24:49 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

My question Ladies, is this--have you ever met a submissive who was so marvelous, so awesome that you questioned Your ability with him/her? Did you overcome that or did you walk away? What did you do to overcome that feeling?

I'm going to respond to this from the flip side because I've been in this situation and if Himself had walked away, I wouldn't have gotten to spend the last twelve years of mostly blissful joy with him.

Michael had a lot less experience and a lot more limits than me and sometimes he would question his ability to keep me happy both relationship wise and with BDSM techniques for all the dark and devious stuff I so enjoy. When he did that, I felt bad, like he didn't trust me to be able to make choices for my own happiness. He thought he wasn't good enough for me.. so what did he really think of me that I would choose him?

He thought I was a wonderful submissive and couldn't understand what I saw in him. I think that's why he took so long to actually collar me, so I would get to know the 'real' him and be able to determine if he was who I wanted to serve and to whom I wanted to submit. He's a bit thick headed on occasion ::chuckles:: but he finally got it. He thought I was incredible and awesome and the fact that I wanted 'him' and no one else finally convinced him that he's pretty incredible and awesome, too.

When you meet someone who wants you, their quality and caliber and the fact that they want 'you' should tell you that you're probably pretty deserving of their incredible awesomeness. :)

My advice on what to do is to trust that incredible person and try to see yourself through their eyes.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 16

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/13/2007 11:29:17 AM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

OMG, I could hug you!! I have gone through some of the very things you have talked about---I was fine until "online labels. online rules and online expectations"---I went through that redefine struggle for a good year ages when I saw online stuff, then I went back to just being Me---I have lost a ton of potential submissives because THEY had that online fantasy ideal---pfftttt that wasn't Me--but then again, I didn't lose anything, for there was never anything real there--

BN2S--I cannot thank You enough for Your post, Your words of a real world, and a real world Domina--I hope these words ring true for those D's trying to learn and those s's that expect the fantasy---for after all when it is good, when both parties are real and human and adoring of that--there IS nothing better.

The next time I pass through Maryland, I am going to buy You a martini!

Chocolate please, with one of them chocolate covered coffee beans in the bottom...It's my chocolate time < grin>

~Big

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 17

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/13/2007 11:49:23 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I have a tendency to go through spots of this, thought I wouldn't link it to a submissive in particular. I can certainly identify it with two seperate things. The online experience AND the move to a new location, and getting into the scene after coming to GA.

Coming to the online variety is a bit of a jolt. No offense to anyone in particular, but the word pretenctious comes to mind. I came to the online scene a lot later than most, and needless to say, it was a bit different than what I'd had experience with in r/t. I fully admit to feeling a bit less than the status quo. Unlike what it seemed everyone else had to say, I wasn't perfect, and I hadn't done everything under the sun. I was just Me.

Anyone in the lifestyle who's changed locations can identify with the second. Always a bit of trepidation when playing around a different crowd for the first time. Now there's an intimidation factor for you. Not knowing anyone (excpet My play partner) who might be watching, just ready to tell Me that I'm doing it wrong, etc., etc. Had to take the chance on just being Me.

Well, even though both of the above did put the butterfiles in My stomach in the beginning, I'm really happy to say that those quivers never really amounted to much. Once I got used to some of the online terms and such, I found it not such a bad atmosphere. I'm very lucky to say that I've felt very welcome playing around that new crowd. I am almost starting to think of Atlanta as My second home, even though I have to drive two hours to get there. In both cases, sure, I felt the pangs of insecurity, but I found out I would be ok, as long as I was just Me. I think, MHOO, you're probably going to find the same with this new submissive.

Let Us know when it's time for the secret to come out!

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 18

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/13/2007 12:48:34 PM

Unrepentant1

Posts: 283
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

I would think it only natural that one would doubt your suitablity to someone maybe more than lack of ability. If one has more experience in certain areas than the other, this may also increase the doubt, but worry not.

As a sub I would never expect perfection just certain standards as a person, if you both connect the world is your oyster. Its actually good fun learning new things together and it would actually help a relationship rather than hinder it, finding the right person be they sub or Domme is far more important,the rest can develop.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 19

RE: Questioning Your Ability - 8/13/2007 3:32:24 PM

YesMistressIrish

Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline

I can relate to so many of you who have already written. I have been so happy having my own rt fun. I haven't been to any local munches yet and am not sure I even want to.

I don't like cliques, and have no interest in drama, except for the D/s, and I am thrilled about that!

Certain subs make me wonder about what exactly I want to do with them, and some are very experienced in things I am not. I get excited to play with somene who is an expert, so that I can learn and become really good at whatever skill it is.

I met a couple last night. They are into Shibari (sp) and I am really looking forward to hanging out with them as friends and practicing those knots. I really cannot find enough hours in the day for all I want to do bdsm wise.

Nervous? We all go there sometimes. I have a healthy ego also, so I just do my best and remember that it's my show and that honesty and good communication make the world a less stressful place.

OP: I will take one of those awesome subs you mention, spend a month playing with him, and get back to you!

< Message edited by YesMistressIrish -- 8/13/2007 3:38:11 PM >

(in reply to SDFemDom4cuck)

Post #: 20

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