RE: who pays for what?

RE: who pays for what? (Full Version)

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angelsub642 -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 5:27:02 PM)
i am meeting a guy who lives in another state and how we've worked it out is that he will pay for his plane ticket plus 1/2 of the hotel room rate. i'll help pay the other 1/2 until we are comfortable with each other. And yes we've talked about 24/7, marriage, etc but we both know that that will be down the road. i do think though that he needs to help pay at least some of it if your on a low budget (i'm the same way). Best of luck

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 5:30:06 PM)
I love religious people choosing what ideas they will and won't agree to and somehow calling that "faith."

WickedBDSM -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 5:57:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seekingRLagain just for more clairifaction.. the reason marriage came up is he is a christian and doesnt bleive in living together... Do Christians believe in BDSM? another one is he used all of his vacation time this year with his kids ( all under 12) so taking time off for me instead of his family wouldnt be a option for me.. as for my sstaying longer i have made him aware i cant stay longer if on my dime.. but he wishes me to do many things in the local area If he wishes it, shouldn't he be the one to pay? PLUS meet the kids.. and kids just dont know if they like a person in a few days.. Meet his kids, the first time you meet a man? Before you two develop a real relationship, it is irresponsible to bring the kids into this. its a adjustment for us all.. hope this clears this up a small amount... plus i am not willing to stay at his home until the kids are ready for that... If he is a Christian and the kids are raised the same way, shouldn't you avoid staying at his home, until you are married? so we both have moral issues to deal with it as well... Yes, it would seem many issues have to be dealt with and not just moral Ms Wicked.

charlotte12 -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 6:07:53 PM)
If you can't afford the two week stay then i don't think he should pay i think you should only stay the weekend. I understand about his wanting you to meet the UMs and that that takes time for them to get used to you but it seems to me that you should be more concerned about getting to know eachother first. What if you two meet and it doesn't click at all and you've already got this whole two weeks planned out with the UMs. Sounds rather irresponsible on his part. Also, all those issues aside i would not go on a trip someone else was financing if i didn't have the means to get back should i decide to. I'll probably be feeling guilty enough if i decide we don't click and he doesn't agree without the added worry about having used his money. There really should be no guilt involved but lets face it, it's at least awkward if someone has travelled a great distance and only one person doesn't feel the connection. Ok, i've rambled. My advice, do the weekend trip. If you hit it off plan for another longer one soon that he will help pay for.

Padriag -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 6:10:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seekingRLagain when you are making plans for a real life meeting.. who pays for what. There aren't really any set rules about this, so you have to work out what works for you. That would be my first bit of advice, if someone won't work with you about arrangements to meet them... might be a caution. Here's how I handled it when a slave recently came to visit me (I write a little about the visit in my journal if anyone is curious how it went). She paid for her trip down and home again. Once she was here for a week and a half I paid for everything else, meals, room, entertainment, etc. It worked for our situation and we had a great time. We each covered what we could afford. That's my main point, for a meeting both sides should be working together to make it happen, after all, both should be wanting to meet so both ought to be willing to do what they can.

MySweetSubmssive -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 6:17:57 PM)
Niggling question ... If he's used up all his vacation time, what will you be doing while you are visiting? Waiting for him to get off work? MSS

DiurnalVampire -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 6:24:52 PM)
I dont buy the "He is christian and doesnt believe in living together" thing. Angel is Christian, marriage has not come up between us becasue of it. Is the man divorced? I agree with the others, allowing the kids to meet and get used to you when you and he havent formed a relationship is asking for trouble. You are risking emotional attachment by the kids evne if tings betwen you and he dont work out. You two are assuming an aweful lot before even meeting face to face. You are going to meet him, you arent already decided that you are relocating. The focus of the meting seems to be in the wrong place, you dont know him, yet it seems he wants you to come down and prepare for your move, to get to know the local area as well as the kids... Where will you be staying before you get married? The more you say, the more I would turn and run. This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, and you are going to be the stranded one. DV

Padriag -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 6:40:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seekingRLagain just for more clairifaction.. the reason marriage came up is he is a christian and doesnt bleive in living together... another one is he used all of his vacation time this year with his kids ( all under 12) so taking time off for me instead of his family wouldnt be a option for me.. as for my sstaying longer i have made him aware i cant stay longer if on my dime.. but he wishes me to do many things in the local area PLUS meet the kids.. and kids just dont know if they like a person in a few days.. its a adjustment for us all.. hope this clears this up a small amount... plus i am not willing to stay at his home until the kids are ready for that... so we both have moral issues to deal with it as well... Ya know... the more I read this, the more I'm thinking this guy is just ... scared, that's the word that comes to mind. I'll tell you why. First, he's trying to cram waaaaaay too much into the first meeting, that's just asking for overload. Yet he's not willing to pay for it. He's talking serious relationship far too soon. My read goes like this: Dude is into you, so he's wanting to impress you and really get you hooked on this first trip. But he's scared it won't work out so he's afraid to pay, he might be short on money as well and covering for it (if he's got kids, its fair guess money is going to be tight... loveable lil money pits that they are). First meet should be mostly about the two of you and not much else, give you a chance to see if a connection is there, then use follow up visits to explore other areas of the relationship. I'd suggest you go for the weekend and check things out, see what the situation really is.

FelinePersuasion -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 7:24:23 PM)
When I flew to my very first dominant, I payed the plain flight, the cab ride to our hotel, and then we split the cost of the hotel.

suggababy23 -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 8:53:22 PM)
Wow...I gotta echo alot of the responses here and say something is not adding up and I am not talking about the money either. I see why he can't give up much of his vacation time to come see you by why can't he pay half of the hotel? Or at least the airfare? A meal? Something! I am one of those good old fashioned southern girls that believes in a man paying for the first date. But more importantly than that is the issue of meeting the children. Please...don't. That's a red flag in my book. What if you two meet and it doesn't work out? And believe me, that happens more times than not. It's not right to bring the children into it before the relationship has even began. A first meeting should be like a first date. Talk, get to know each other, look into each others eyes, etc. You two sound like you are trying to do too much, too fast. Just do a weekend, spend sometime together then see where it goes. Hope that helps...be safe. sugga

slaverosebeauty -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 9:41:17 PM)
I have paid for my own train ticket or for my own gas; thats about it. If I am traveling to meet someone {didn't happen very often, only after a LOT of trust was established}, I stay with them. When MJ an I see eachother, He pays for the room, etc. If we see another movie, I will use my free movie passes; I get them because of all the 'movie points' I earn. I have offered before with other men and that got offended that I pay, so I don't ask any more. I can 'arrange' little things on my own, that are within my own budge that are subtle. If a man invites a lady, then he should offer to pay, at least half. Its the gentlemanly thing to do and its also honourable.

feastie -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 10:31:58 PM)
Sounds to me like he can't afford it either. Sounds like the two of you need to have a much more honest and frank discussion about your relationship and potential first meet. If neither of you can afford it, then it really shouldn't happen, should it?

earthycouple -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 10:48:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mbes quote: ORIGINAL: earthycouple I would never pay for someone to come out to me. Male or female. I typically do not contact someone from a distance. They find me. If they choose to make the trip they can pay for it. I've never and will never demand anyone visit so it is of their own volition knowing full well they have to pay for their trip. Why? Couple of reasons. I am not wasting my money if they are a no show. I have a family of 4 on a very tight budget and it is easier (typically) for one person to juggle a weekend trip than it would be for me to skip the dentist for a UM or groceries for that week. I house them. If they make the trip out here, I am willing to house them as long as they don't freak me out upon meeting. And my husband give the ok (He's all big and mean and stuff) With housing comes meals of course (unless we go out). It shows some faith, responsibilitiy, and proactiveness on the other's part. "But but...what does it show about you, Donna?" S I am sure it shows a zillion different things, depending on your perspective. From I'm being totally reasonable to I'm an idiot for possibly allowing a stranger in my home (have rope, will use it) I've met a lot of people off the internet (no bdsm'ers) and in my experience, every last one of them was a decent human being, as nice as the ones I'd find living next door to me. I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of bdsm'ers are human beings, too, and I'm pretty darn sure you can handle them if they aren't! [:D] boy have you got me pegged S. I've met one or two that made me go "ew" but no one who ever made me feel fear.

eyesopened -> RE: who pays for what? (8/13/2007 3:29:53 AM)
For that which is truly important, time and money will be found. i would never but myself into debt for a first meeting and if He really thinks meeting NOW is important He should be able to find some money and some time to make it happen. i'm thinking that if you agree to pay for everything, juggle a schedule to make a two week trip that you cannot afford, you will always be expected to pay for anything He considers "extra" in His life. Is that the relationship you are seeking?

imtempting -> RE: who pays for what? (8/13/2007 6:29:37 AM)
I met 2 people of the net where I had to travel great distance (I try to meet people in my local area) I paid for my plane fairs but I was lucky I could stay at their places. One was a vanilla friend and I paid for a few things and bought here some dvd's and paid for the alcohol but anything else she felt offended me offering even for McDonalds lol. The 2nd was Domme and her friend and they flat out refused to take my money. They said we consider you our guest and we will pay for it. If I invited someone down and they could not afford to stay for longer then a few days i'd offer to pay for the extra days but that is one reason I try to only meet people in my local area.

ProlificNeeds -> RE: who pays for what? (8/13/2007 6:44:01 AM)
If he has asked for you to come out, and you are not financially comfortable with handling the cost, it would make sense to me for him to help with the finances. I would never strip myself financially to travel, as I often tend to be broke as it is, I never ask to travel, if someone requests it of me I tell them I am willing, but finances simply don't allow for that luxery. If I am the one making the request, I would typically invite them here instead of wanting to try and self-invite to their location. I would also expect that when they came to visit, I would try to help alleviate costs, providing as much as I could to lessen their costs, just makes sense to me. With that said, everytime I have travelled it has been at their cost, or with the other helping to pay the costs. I try to front what money I can towards entertainment and so forth. If i was paying for a full trip myself, I woudl expect the other person to understand it's MY trip, and I intend to come and go as I please, not pay out the ass to be constricted to their time table. It's like payign for your own vacation, then handing it to someone else simply because they expect it. From an s-type view, I would never pay the whole bill if I was also expected to serve when I got there. That's sort of like going to a restaurant, paying for an expensive meal, but having to cook it yourself and wash up afterwards, no thanks I'd rather just stay home and save myself a load of cash.

GhitaAmati -> RE: who pays for what? (8/13/2007 7:56:22 AM)
Im one of those who belives that who ever does the inviting pays. Course, I am the one who first asked my Sir to dinner....and he insisted on paying...even though I tried. Course it was this really cheap barbeque joint and I think the entire date was around $11....

Vampyrefledgling -> RE: who pays for what? (8/13/2007 10:56:22 AM)
This guy seems a little confused, to say the least. Granted, I don't know the extent of the conversations you two have had and will hope that you have made smart decisions and can trust that this guy is who he says he is. That being said, he needs to accept that you don't have the discretionary income that you do. I had a somewhat similar experience not too long ago, where the Dom and I planned to split the cost of his hotel (in my city), but my income is far less than his and an emergency expense came up for me, so he graciously agreed to cover the cost and next time, I will. He payed for meals and refused to let me touch the handle of any door (that's a side note, but something I think bears pointing out...chivalry is not, in fact dead). The point I am poorly trying to make here is that, if it is your money, he needs to accept that you won't go into debt for a first meeting! If he wants you to stay for two weeks, then he can pay for the two weeks. You can say you'll pay for the weekend, if the weekend goes well, he can pay for the rest of the time. Honestly, where does he think you'll come up with the money? Two weeks in a hotel, even a bad one isn't exactly cheap! Plus food and expenses? Personally, it seems to me he's being unreasonable. As for the Christians into BDSM thing, I don't think it is a contradictions at all. I was raised quite religious (I'm not now). I know this doesn't make me any kind of religious authority, but from my experience with religious doctrine, I never read anything that said that you couldn't get off on slapping somone, or on completely submitting to someone. In fact, if you think about it, the whole D/s thing kind of dates back to Christianity (and beyond), with the man being dominant to the wife in all areas. Granted I'm being a bit facetious, but that is something that is taught. As for you meeting his kids, if it were me, I wouldn't want to meet his kids until I was certain about him! It seems slightly irresponsible of him to want to introduce you to his children if he hasn't even met you in person yet. I don't know. When my parents were divorced, (a divorce which was fairly amicable) my mom made my father promise not to introduce us to any of his girlfriends until they had been dating for at least six months, just so we wouldn't be exposed to his revolving door of bedfellows. Not to say that there isn't a future for you and this man, simply that one never knows. Which brings up another point someone else mentioned, is he actually divorced? I'm concerned about this guy. From what you've said, he seems a bit...well, in a hurry? Is he actually looking for a relationship or a mother for his kids to take the pressure off of him? ~Fledgling

BlueEyedSubinDE -> RE: who pays for what? (8/14/2007 6:29:49 AM)
You can ask 300 people who should pay and how much and you will get 400 different answers, lol. But my suggestion is to take the emotion, the fantasy and romance out of it and look at it from a 3rd person point of view. If a good, close friend of your's came to you with this scenario, what would you tell them? I see this almost like gambling. At the risk of sounding really cold, my question is how much can you afford to loose? You said you are on a tight budget, how tightly will you have to stretch your budget to be able to afford this? After determining what can reasonably go wrong, is it worth the expense to you?

Frank50 -> RE: who pays for what? (8/14/2007 6:48:12 AM)
Of course the Master pays for the important things in the relationship, and the slave pays for what I say she can pay for.

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