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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/13/2007 11:13:40 AM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Sometimes what we desire is not what is best for us at this time.

It may not be healthy for you to think of a TPE or in-slave Ds dynamic while you have the above schedule.

You aren't dead, you have time ahead of you to have a Ds relationship in the future I strongly suspect for decades to come.

It is really tempting to rush into Ds and SM but we need to be ready in all parts of our lives if we want these relationships to last and be positive for everyone involved.

Is there anything wrong with casual scening or a part-time dynamic? That might fit better into your life right now.

I know we all embrace the fantasy that we can have everything we want. I think this works when what we want is balanced and this often means toning down those fantasies.

I'm know I'm being a huge downer here.

I do think there can be tpe in spite of his school, in spite of his career afterwards, regardless of hours. I don't think tpe is all about spending every minute together. I think it's how the relationship is handled not only when you're together, but your attitude towards that relationship while you are apart.

My previous partner always had a job, often taking courses and continuing his education and was actively involved in various sports. I listened to his problems at work and helped him work through a good many of them. I made flash cards up for him and we went over the questions and answers. I got involved with his sports, was score keeper, assistant coach, organizer for activities, sat on the side lines and played cheerleader, filmed him and critiqued him, so he could do better the next time. And yes, he wanted that critique too. He still had the time to shower with me and wash me each day. He still had the time to ask me everyday if I had any wants, or desires. I, on the other hand, knew he would do anything I asked of him. I also had the presence of mind not to ask if he just got finished with an 18 hour day. Just a smile and a, "No, I'm good".

In my minds eye, tpe is not always having someone right there to do every single last bidding of my hearts desire. It's the knowing that it is there and they are willing to do every last bidding of my hearts desire, no matter how tired they are. Even while we're apart, they continue to conduct themselves, their actions, their journey, as if I were walking right there beside them. More luxurious pampering and devious activities happen when everyday life allows.

I've no clue if this is a misconception of mine of what tpe is, only my opinion.

~Big

(in reply to thetammyjo)

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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/13/2007 12:58:39 PM

SDFemDom4cuck

Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
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I said something akin to what Tammyjo did. Although I read into it as his being new into BDSM and to me that means that a great deal of training is involved. Something like that means a great deal of time and energy he may not have at the moment. Which was my reason behind taking the time to learn and grow prior to jumping into looking for a TPE right off the bat.

I agree with you Big. It's the undercurrent that exists continually regardless of what the other is doing and whether they are there or where their priorities are. If it is a misconception then we share the same one. LOL

< Message edited by SDFemDom4cuck -- 8/13/2007 12:59:23 PM >

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/13/2007 1:03:18 PM

Honsoku

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Joined: 6/26/2007
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Absolutely not. Asking someone to give up on major goals (especially ones which have to do with personal growth and development) would be a loss for everyone involved. The dom/me loses because their sub will not reach their maximum potential (on the flip side, if the dom/me felt that the degree wasn't going to help, or be too much of a strain, then the dom/me should redirect the sub/slave's efforts, but not squelch them). The sub/slave loses because they are now less than they could be and by proxy their ability to serve is hamstrung as well. The relationship suffers because such a demand would most likely ferment animosity between the dom/me and the sub/slave. Only a dom/me looking only for their short term gain would require such a sacrifice. I would expect any sub/slave of mine to have or to pursue an education, even if it isn't a formal one.

It will limit your search to people who are local to the insititution(s), at least until you finish your degree(s). Depending on where you live this may not be a big deal. There are plenty of major/minor universities near large cities anyway, so you may be able to find a masters program near the dom/me of your choice (or a dom/me near the masters program of your choice).

Honsoku

< Message edited by Honsoku -- 8/13/2007 1:05:16 PM >

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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/13/2007 1:07:51 PM

irishjoe

Posts: 19
Joined: 1/29/2005
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When i hear TPE i am always a little aware however these posts (especially Big's) have reassured me that it is possible to live an every day life ( career, aspirations and motivations) while still engaging in a D/s relationship. To this regard i would be interested and very grateful if more ladies could offer their opinions on what Big has written. They say behind every strong man is a much stronger woman and surely as a Mistresses submissive she would have the best interests at heart for her sub, always knowing that he would do anything she wishes him to do whenever she wanted. Or am i completely wrong?

anyways i am ranting...

< Message edited by irishjoe -- 8/13/2007 1:08:58 PM >

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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/13/2007 1:26:25 PM

thetammyjo

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Joined: 9/8/2005
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That's why I said it may not be healthy or it may not be for the best at this time -- not forever but for now.

Having lived now with a 24/7 (I dislike the TPE terms because I think they are unrealistic) slave for approaching 8 years I can say that we each had to give a bit but especially Fox. He could have gotten a high paying powerful job post college but he decided being my slave was more important than that. The reality is that we each have to think of the other but given the authority dynamic, consider it fair or not, he has had to make more changes than I.

The OP is also a good example of the "everything now" concept that I see repeatedly on Collarme. You don't need to be TPE or 24/7 right now. It's ok to go slow, it's ok to try things out, it's ok to play and experiment. Experience will help you make better choices in the future (I hope). This is not an all or nothing world and most of the time it is world of compromises and changes to what our ideal was into what works best for us now.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to bignipples2share)

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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/13/2007 2:15:45 PM

lateralist1

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Joined: 11/22/2006
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I think TPE is perfectly possible long distance.
It's not about the amount of time you spend together it's about the mindset of the relationship.
A wise Mistress knows her slave well. Knows what he /she is capable of and what he/she isn't and directs/instructs/controls accordingly.
Education can be put on hold if it's necessary for the relationship.People can change their jobs and where they live etc.
I'm an idealist I think relationships should come before anything else after basic needs for warmth/shelter/food etc are met.
If the relationship doesn't come first then you are either not ready for one or you haven't found the right partner yet.
But of course it takes time to build a TPE relationship.
And your need for one may just be a fantasy.
I have talked to men who say they are a slave but the reality is that they are only a slave to the making of money so they can buy a Mistress and live in luxury with her.
The one thing though that can not be put on hold is the parental role or the need to care for elderly relatives.
I also think that the right relationship can and will last until death do us part.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/13/2007 2:21:49 PM

bignipples2share

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--irishjoe, Yes, you've understood my meaning exactly.

~Big

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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/13/2007 2:31:42 PM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
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I guess I could have read too much of my own experience with my previous partner into the OP situation.

My previous partner was younger than the OP when I met him. For some reason, the tpe worked for us for almost two decades, in spite of my long hours, his long hours, our age difference and the plethora of other reasons it probably shouldn't have, it worked.

I'll agree with you on many points. The 'everything now' concept that so many have. It's not an all or nothing world. People do change and decisions must be made for what works best for each person involved.

I also believe that if you think you've found the right person, you should not pass that up.

~Big

(in reply to thetammyjo)

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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/13/2007 2:53:35 PM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
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<smiles @ SDF>
Yes, there's nothing like wanting daily foot massage, my hair brushed everyday, all my meals made..I could go on and on. Life happens, work wants you to work over time, the dog needs to go to the vet, things just get in the way. The dynamic is still there.

Oh, those days when I'd done all the bills the night before, left the cash, credit card and everything else at home and we've gone out to dinner after work. There was never a question as to who would run and get it as I'd sit and have a second glass of wine or coffee. Those days when it was raining out and I waited dry and toasty as he ran and got the car.

Did I ever offer to let him stay and have the second glass of wine, or stay dry and toasty. Yes, I'm not a tyrant lol! Did he ever let me? Only if it were raining while at the grocery store and he was coming down with something. Then I'd make him wait while I got the car.

tpe can show itself in such simple things........it's just present.

~Big

(in reply to SDFemDom4cuck)

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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/13/2007 3:02:06 PM

SDFemDom4cuck

Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bignipples2share

<smiles @ SDF>
Yes, there's nothing like wanting daily foot massage, my hair brushed everyday, all my meals made..I could go on and on. Life happens, work wants you to work over time, the dog needs to go to the vet, things just get in the way. The dynamic is still there.

Oh, those days when I'd done all the bills the night before, left the cash, credit card and everything else at home and we've gone out to dinner after work. There was never a question as to who would run and get it as I'd sit and have a second glass of wine or coffee. Those days when it was raining out and I waited dry and toasty as he ran and got the car.

Did I ever offer to let him stay and have the second glass of wine, or stay dry and toasty. Yes, I'm not a tyrant lol! Did he ever let me? Only if it were raining while at the grocery store and he was coming down with something. Then I'd make him wait while I got the car.

tpe can show itself in such simple things........it's just present.

~Big

That's exactly it in a nutshell. It's there always. No matter what the situation. Besides all those extra hours are going to benefit Me, the relationship and him in the end. he gains a sense of accomplishment. I gain a sense of pride in his determination to succeed and it all adds up to enriching our life for the better.

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to bignipples2share)

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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/13/2007 4:00:32 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bignipples2share

I guess I could have read too much of my own experience with my previous partner into the OP situation.

My previous partner was younger than the OP when I met him. For some reason, the tpe worked for us for almost two decades, in spite of my long hours, his long hours, our age difference and the plethora of other reasons it probably shouldn't have, it worked.

I'll agree with you on many points. The 'everything now' concept that so many have. It's not an all or nothing world. People do change and decisions must be made for what works best for each person involved.

I also believe that if you think you've found the right person, you should not pass that up.

~Big

Our definitions of TPE may be different as well.

I do not have a TPE -- I do believe I can have total power over anyone, not even myself, so I do not use those terms.

I do own a slave though and I suspect based on what you've said the dynamics between your household and mine may be similar we are just using other words to describe them.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to bignipples2share)

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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/13/2007 5:44:49 PM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Our definitions of TPE may be different as well.

I believe you’re right. I’ve pretty much outlined how I see TPE. I’m sure it differs from many.

quote:

I do own a slave though and I suspect based on what you've said the dynamics between your household and mine may be similar we are just using other words to describe them.

Yes, I think we’re seeing the same tracks, but with a slightly different train lol

quote:

I do not have a TPE -- I do believe I can have total power over anyone, not even myself, so I do not use those terms.

There are certainly many things I have no control over and I’ll be the first one to admit that to maintain 100% self control over 100% of my life is just not possible for me.

I have eaten more than 2oz of chocolate in one setting. (It’s that second chocolate martini that does it every time). I have gone a few dollars over my set budget to splurge on a present. I could list many more.

The point is, I still expect him to tell me he’s heading to the pound with a friend and he’s just gonna stand by and look. I do expect him to listen to me when I tell him, NO More pets.

I know there is no way I can be perfect. I know that he can’t be perfect either. I can only strive to be better and expect the same of him. I still think the way I see TPE can be accomplished, in spite of our flaws. I'm certainly aware that I've not made my last mistake in this life. < smile >

Right now, I'd settle for enough self-control over my hormones to not get all sensitive over a blasted commercial LOL

~Big

< Message edited by bignipples2share -- 8/13/2007 6:12:51 PM >

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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/13/2007 11:50:27 PM

Morsigil

Posts: 67
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

I think TPE is perfectly possible long distance.
It's not about the amount of time you spend together it's about the mindset of the relationship.
A wise Mistress knows her slave well. Knows what he /she is capable of and what he/she isn't and directs/instructs/controls accordingly.
Education can be put on hold if it's necessary for the relationship.People can change their jobs and where they live etc.
I'm an idealist I think relationships should come before anything else after basic needs for warmth/shelter/food etc are met.
If the relationship doesn't come first then you are either not ready for one or you haven't found the right partner yet.
But of course it takes time to build a TPE relationship.
And your need for one may just be a fantasy.
I have talked to men who say they are a slave but the reality is that they are only a slave to the making of money so they can buy a Mistress and live in luxury with her.
The one thing though that can not be put on hold is the parental role or the need to care for elderly relatives.
I also think that the right relationship can and will last until death do us part.

I understand your concerns, but to be honest I am simply trying to get feedback. I do not currently have the opportunity to be in a TPE relationship (TPE being rounded up). I really appreciate the person whose point was "Relationships are temporary and experience and education are forever".

I also believe that a 24/7 relationship doesn't require 24 hours a day of contact. I simply needed some reassurence from experienced participants.

(in reply to lateralist1)

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RE: TPE/live-in preferences - 8/17/2007 2:28:07 PM

BlackSakura

Posts: 131
Joined: 7/23/2006
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Oh hell no! Especially when it comes to education. I could not and would not ever deny mine that! I want my sub/slave to be an intelligent educated person with his own goals, aspirations, and dreams. Plus, when it comes to a job/career, he will NOT be sitting around the house on his ass all day long! ^_^

_____________________________

Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away, and you have their shoes!

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