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shyinini -> RE: Caring for a caregiver (8/12/2007 5:29:43 PM)
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From a different perspective.
Perhaps earthycouple should have mentioned there are seminars for caregivers who take care of caregivers. As a pediatric home care nurse, she probably has received countless mailings about such courses.
The seminars ARE VERY GOOD.
I do know where you are coming from. I walked into dad's ICU room at 5am, after he had a traumatic brain injury, on my way to work in the emergency room at a local hospital. I witnessed something that left me devastated. I had always been an ICU RN.... pediatrics, neonatal, and cardiovascular. As I watched the RN care for his personal needs, she did NOTHING inappropriate or neglectful, infact she was very compassionate, but in her mannerisms, I saw somehing that made meVERY protective and VERY defensive. I have never set foot into an ICU as an RN again.
I quit my job and worked parttime in a clinic as a pediatric triage nurse until dad came home 13 months later.
I took 5 years of my life to take care of him at home, with my mom. I have4 siblings who took absolutely NO interest in helping at all, not even to give me a break and help mom, who was with dad 24/7. He was over 60 and was left with the brain of a 14-15 yr old, the memories of long term and absolutely no memory of life after I went to college.
Half the time he called mom, Elaine, one of his girlfriends in college. He asked me daily why I wasnt back in college ....why was I home? To take care of him? "Yes Papa, to take care of you."
For 5 years I lived and breathed my dads care, my mom's jealousy (I left that part of the story behind) and the fact that my siblings could care less about their dad or mom.
I was told by dozens of folk, such a "sacrifice you make." It is such a "burden."
NO it was not a burden, I didnt see it as a sacrfice, He was my father. During that time mom's health deteriorated,but I didnt see it. I only saw dad. I gave up friends and relationships for the care of my dad.
To see him in a nursing home, when I could take care of him at home, with mom, was out of the question. Not only was he compensated well financially for his medical care, and mom for life, but I also was paid by the workmans comp company. They had financially figured it was cheaper at home than at a nursing home for his care, until he died.
I gained 100lbs I was so stressed. I saw a therapist and almost killed my mom weekly.
I now take medical care of my mom, who I will only assist in assisted living, when she finally agrees to go into such a facility.
My Sir takes care of his mom. Sometimes it seems he would rather spend time at her home, or on the phone with her than with me. BUT I knew this about him, his family (including 2 college kids) come before me.
I know exactly where you come from softpj.
I was once in the shoes of your mistress (different family member).
I could not see the forest through the trees to take care of myself. I chose to have no life. Dad was my life. My choice. But in being there for my dad, I grew to know my grandparents (his parents) in a totally different light. I found out more about my dad before I was born then I knew in all my 40 some years. I came to appreciate the devotion my mom had for dad and it was an example that will not leave me.
What did I need during that time? What might your mistress need from you?
A shoulder to cry on.
An ear to hear the ventings.
Flowers and cards of assurance you care and are there, with your ear or shoulder.
Dinner out WITH her son. We took dad out... we ending up laughing at his silliness and never embarassed he wore a bib or that had to feed him at times. We/I was never embarassed when he got agitated and had a tantrum like a 2 yr old in public either.
If people gawked, so be it. If people felt pity, so be it. It was who my dad was, not by his fault, but because of it all, I choose my path until he died.
I was and am not bitter for the path I chose. It was a joy..... your mistress has chosen something because of who she is. Either you accept that or move on. It is who she is now an it will not change, until the caretaking stops.
If she has time for you ...count the time as most precious and that she could leave behind something so precious just to spend time with you ... to possibly meet some of your needs.
My mom found out who her friends were. They were the ones who took time to listen, send a card, flowers and did not look the other way.
Find a caregivers seminar and attend. You will see things in a new light.
As for me, I took my love of pediatrics and new love of home care, put them together and found a new profession. High risk pediatric homecare. I found myself and began to live differently. It took me 5 years to finally find myself emotionally and pyschocially. As you can figure out, I poured myself into a new job. It wasnt until I found closure with my exdom that I truly found who I was.
Yes, my dad died dramatically in the ICU. Yes, I have seen too many high risk infants and kids die at home, whose parents gave up everything for them. Too many divorces in such homes.
If you love your mistress, if you are the submissive to her she needs ... you will understand her perspective or move on. This will affect her for a long while..... possibly.
Help her by helping yourself.
Sir's girl
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