|
julietsierra -> RE: What do subs/slave really want in a D/s relationship? (8/13/2007 5:02:46 AM)
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: SirEbonyPhoenix
Here's a question that has been on my mind of late: What do submissives/slaves really want in a D/s relationship? Since my journey began, I've encountered "submissives/slaves" who either had no real time experience or no idea as to what they want. And then, I've run into some who were only looking for sex or were full of buffalo chips as far as being honest goes. Any thoughts on this?
My thoughts on this? Well, I'd say you've met a nice cross section of people who won't work with you. Beyond that, as others have said, I don't think you can lump all of us together into one amorphous group just because we call ourselves submissives - any more than we can lump you into some amorphous group just because you call yourselves dominants.
That being said, I can tell you what I look for - what I really want in a D/s relationship.
I want a man with a plan. In other words, he has to know his goals before he decides how he does things with me. I don't like confusion. I don't do well with those who mish-mash around making plans, breaking them, making decisions, changing their minds to the point where I no longer know where he stands.
Remember John Wayne in The Quiet Man? That's what I like. I want someone who has the power but maintains it in such a way that is not boastful or needing the clamour of attention. I don't want one of the "See me Roar? I am Dom!!" Dominants. I want his power to come from a place of knowledge, not from public acclamation.
I want someone who knows how to laugh, knows how to love and is passionate about the causes in his life. I want a dominant who lives life, not someone whose main pasttime is sitting on a couch.
I want someone who has been around long enough to have worked through and done away with all the inanities that seem to float around in this world of D/s. To me, it's not about being able to sit in some ritualized fashion that makes me submissive, even though I appreciate ritual. To me, it's about domination and submission being such a part of our lives that we simply live, not add on to how we live in some part time fashion. I want a dominant who understands this - not because it's what I want, but because it's how he lives as well.
I want a dominant who is confident in his abilities and can walk away if need be. I want a dominant who has a clearly defined set of personal standards and expectations regarding the behavior of both himself and the person who serves him. I want a dominant who has a clue about behavior modification and knows how to use behavior modification techniques to get what he wants without resorting to corporal punishment.
I want a dominant with a touch of arrogance, tempered with compassion, and spiced up with humor. I want a dominant who can laugh at foibles, but doesn't insult as he goes - even as a joke. I want a dominant who doesn't use someone else to point out the difficulties his submissive is having. "Why can't you be like _____? SHE appreciates ______!" is not an incentive for doing better. It is however, an incentive to walk away.
I want a dominant who understands and accepts and SUPPORTS my career choices. I get tired of having to defend my chosen career, so I want someone who understands the difficulties of it and recognizes that just because we might make it look easy - it's not.
I want a dominant who understands that I have children. He doesn't just make allowences for them. He demands that they take center stage in my life. Conversely, a dominant who treats his own children as if they are an inconsequential part of his life is someone I would not be interested in - at all.
I want a dominant who enjoys the same (or nearly the same) things I do when it comes to leisure activities. Me finding someone who can't stand the out of doors, hates or is fearful of the water, and just plain would rather choose invasive dental procedures over fishing or swimming just will not work.
I want a dominant who finds value in me, who WANTS to be with me - not under some guise of "this is what doms do," but because he genuinely wants to be with me. I want a dominant who is not afraid of love, or who has not sworn off of love. I want a dominant who believes that love does have a place in D/s and M/s relationships but does not allow love to change the dynamics of that type of a relationship. I would prefer a dominant who loves me, but I need a dominant who genuinely likes me as a person. And I want a dominant I can like as a person too. I'd love to love him, but love - in either direction - doesn't happen overnight. I'm patient.
I want a dominant who understands the difference between dominance and domineering, who does the former and does not do the latter. I want a dominant who understands the difference between inspiring compliance and inciting compliance. I want a dominant who understands the difference between abuse and control and can control without resorting to abuse.
I want a dominant who understands my love of obedience and with whom that resonates because he most desires someone who will be obedient.
And I want sex - long, hard, rough, suffer the next day cause I'm sore inside and out - sex. I want on my knees doing EXACTLY what you want, any time you want, any way you want - SEX. I want a dominant who wants this too. I want a dominant who doesn't use sex as a weapon but makes it part of our play, our way of interacting with each other and sometimes, our way of communicating with each other.
Anyway, I used to try to explain some of this to people and most often found that it rather overwhelmed them. I was told continually that I had too many guidelines and criteria and that no man, no dominant could possibly live up to these pie in the sky imaginations of the fantasy man I had in my head.
Then, I met my Master. In him, I found the mirror images to the things I've listed here and so much more. In him, fantasy met reality and reality turned out to be all the things I used to fantasize about.
I think the trick to finding someone is not in knowing what they want. It's in knowing what you want - and never settling for less than what you want - even if you're lonely for a long long time.
juliet
|
|
|
|
