Changing Limits

Changing Limits (Full Version)

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becca333 -> Changing Limits (8/15/2007 2:11:39 AM)
I've had some things that were my hard limits forever, before I ever played in real. Wouldn't even do them in cyber, hated reading about them, and when I started playing in real they stayed, set in stone. When I gained experience a few of my limits gradually moved, as I became curious and confident. But some of the really big ones stayed, no question about them. Then I met my current Dom, and when we started out, in the getting-to-know each other stage, he asked me to do something that was ALWAYS beyond my limits (not knowing I hated it, we'd already agreed that either of us could object to anything as we went along)... and I did it. No hesitation. And it felt totally right. And now, I enjoy it, I feel a bit let down if it's not part of each session. But I never saw it coming, never felt any hesitation, never any curiousity. I hated it one second and then suddenly... it was ok. Has anyone else ever had a hard limit that just vanished with no warning?

eyesopened -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 2:45:16 AM)
i think sometimes we say 'limit' when we mean interest. Limits can bend and change and evolve and it's called growth. Some people say they hate seafood and then one day they have some yummy dish that happens to have seafood but prepared in a way the person had never experienced before. That's different than say being allergic to seafood which would make it a HARD limit. There are many activities i have no real interest in... there have been a few i thought i would never, ever want to do but later found it was actually pretty hot. Now i look at Limits differently. To me limits are about motive and consequence rather than the activity itself. For example a particular activity could be really fun but if performed where UMs could see... well now it becomes a big fat NO. The context makes the difference... you can say cock on TV if talking about a male bird but not about a penis...although you can say penis. my hard limits are much the same. Is death a possible outcome? Could this result in a prison term? Is it likely that this will cause permanent physical harm? What about psychological damage? For this reason it's so important for people to look deep inside themselves, know themselves and fully understand the context in which they are playing.

taintedgypsy -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 4:09:55 AM)
There are hard limits for safty reasons, Hard limits because of physical limitations, Hard limits that are deep seated and I honestly do not think that these couple of things will ever change. However I also have hard limits that would change with trust and time, things that I have done but are a hard limit untill I feel the safety and trust with the partner to go there. Just my opinion

Cyntilating -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 4:50:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: becca333 I've had some things that were my hard limits forever, before I ever played in real. Wouldn't even do them in cyber, hated reading about them, and when I started playing in real they stayed, set i When I gained experience a few of my limits gradually moved, as I became curious and confident. But some of the really big ones stayed, no question about them. Then I met my current Dom, and when we started out, in the getting-to-know each other stage, he asked me to do something that was ALWAYS beyond my limits (not knowing I hated it, we'd already agreed that either of us could object to anything as we went along)... and I did it. No hesitation. And it felt totally right. And now, I enjoy it, I feel a bit let down if it's not part of each session. But I never saw it coming, never felt any hesitation, never any curiousity. I hated it one second and then suddenly... it was ok. Has anyone else ever had a hard limit that just vanished with no warning? yes, I have had this experience also ...several, of what I considered my hard limits, changed. What was different, why does it happen? imo I changed. I learned to trust ( in another completely, and in myself). I was inspired to give of myself to someone who embraced all of me, even celebrated the "parts" of me that were taboo ( or at least its what I had been raised and taught to think ) .. my inhibitions altered, my curiosity was free to roam, he created a place (for us) where I ( and we ) felt fearless and unjudged. no, some ( hard limits ) will never change. but I do not think it is uncommon that some do..

chey -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 4:54:01 AM)
I agree with taintedgypsy! There are some things that I simply never have and never will want to do. I will put it this way though, about 10 years ago when I had my very first D/s relationship I wanted nothing more than the D/s itself. The very idea of anything "kinky" beyond that mental aspect made me cringe. If I tried to list all of the activities I have since participated in willingly and LOVED this response would be too long to hold interest! The key factor for me personally was baby steps. Once I had my first relationship, he took out a flogger and figuratively held my hand through the experience. I found that I really liked it and was ready to see what else I liked. And so it went throughout the past 10 years. Once I became involved in the community and began to see some things through demos, I was asking to try them. I try to reflect on everything I do so that I can learn more about myself in the process. What did I like about it, what didn't I like, why etc... What I have found is key in my situation is that I am more willing and more apt to try and enjoy what I am doing when that D/s aspect is a factor. Playing just for the play can be fun for me but it is not what gets me to that place where I am flying so to speak.

slaveluci -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 5:01:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: becca333 Has anyone else ever had a hard limit that just vanished with no warning? Hello becca, I can't say that I have. I only have 2 absolutely, non-negotiable hard limits and they will never change. When Master and I began our relationship, He was well aware of and accepting of them. He had zero interest in doing either of the activities I stated as hard limits, either. Everything else, even though I may not have been exactly "eager" to do, I was open to doing. We have since done several of those things and, just like you with the hard limits you had, I saw my hesitation about them or dread of them disappear and am now glad I've experienced them. It is amazing what we can do when we aren't "limited."[:)]...............luci

becca333 -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 5:59:46 AM)
I agree there's different kinds of limits. Anything that risks life, limb or job is totally beyond consideration. But within that line, there's things I love, things I'll never do and things I used to think I'd never do. Oddly, some of those things are my favourites now. Don't you hate that moment when you see something that scares you silly, and then you find yourself thinking, "I wonder...." and you just KNOW that, sooner or later, you're going to try it.

velvetears -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 6:24:12 AM)
i know 100% for sure i will never engage in my hard limits and that if i did i would absolutely hate it and be disgusted by it. i try to keep my hard limit list realistic and not put a lot of "thinks i just don't care for" on there. i have done things i wasn't thrilled about only to find out afterwards it was quite an experience.

becca333 -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 7:31:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: velvetears i know 100% for sure i will never engage in my hard limits and that if i did i would absolutely hate it and be disgusted by it. i try to keep my hard limit list realistic and not put a lot of "thinks i just don't care for" on there. i have done things i wasn't thrilled about only to find out afterwards it was quite an experience. But that's the thing - I thought my limits WERE things that totally disgusted me. Things I hated so much I wouldn't read them in stories, wouldn't do them in cyber. Totally hated them. Well, one, anyway. Now... I like it. I'm proud of it, I get satisfaction from it. And that huge change still surprises me. I just can't see how I went from NEVER to ok, with nothing in between, and no warning.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 10:10:32 AM)
I personally, no. But that's because I didn't do the typical newbie thing of just setting up big boxes of "no's" I simply had a great big world of "not sure yet" and let myself learn, grow, experience, and saw what happened. Over time, I made informed choices on what was "no" and made absolutely certain, rather than just reacting immediately out of ignorance or fear. Oh and I also don't do the "soft limits" thing, so it's much simpler for me to keep things in the "up for negotiation" category.

satyrsnymph28 -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 12:05:55 PM)
I find that most all of my limits change with each person and depending on the role I take. There are plenty of things I love as a top that I can't stand as a bottom, and vice versa. I have a lengthy list of things I'd like to try... or that I'm not sure about... I tried to not put anything into the absolute no category unless it was life threatening, physically or mentally permanetly damaging, or not legal. I was with a man (I wonder if he's still around here somewhere) who really helped me expand my limits as a submissive... walked me through everything... pushed my limits, and stopped when I said it was too much, or not my thing at all... (though I think of all the stuff we tried, there was only one thing I found myself completely opposed to) Its a really positive experience when someone who's new to your life, takes it slow and takes you seriously... but recognized when its ok, or when you want them to push... even if you don't necessarily know that you want it. I was intolerant of a lot of things in the beginning... and the last time we played publically together, we pushed all the "limits" we'd been working with behind closed doors... Every time I think about that scene, I smile.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 12:13:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: becca333 But that's the thing - I thought my limits WERE things that totally disgusted me. Things I hated so much I wouldn't read them in stories, wouldn't do them in cyber. Totally hated them. Well, one, anyway. Now... I like it. I'm proud of it, I get satisfaction from it. And that huge change still surprises me. I just can't see how I went from NEVER to ok, with nothing in between, and no warning. I can relate to this. While I was never allowed to set up a list of limits to Mr. Wonderful, there were things I was really reeeeeally concerned about doing, thinking I would absolutely hate them. I simply could not fathom doing them, yet I knew if ever required to, I would have to. Now I do some of these things regularly, and I get great satisfaction from them, for several reasons. There are certain things he actually never envisioned doing to me, and yet he has stretched himself and finds great satisfaction in doing them. We have grown, evolved and explored together, without limiting ourselves to former ways of conventional thinking. And while there are still some things he claims he will never do, we have enjoyed opening new doors and seeing what transpires.

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 12:15:49 PM)
we got into a heavy debate at a munch one night. about hard and soft limits... A Hard limit is never to be pushed or never to be tried to be pushed.. for example bestiality... if a sub does not want to do a dog.. then thats is just that ..!!!leave it be.. Now i do know that some have pushed the limits of their subs or slave to doing such stupid things. In return has nov made the sub more weeker and more reclusive and depressed.. some things you just need to respect

SmokingGun82 -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 1:01:42 PM)
That's great for you. Some people like to push boundaries, and challenge their preconceived notions of what they can/cannot take. It depends on the people and the relationship- it's not black or white where testing limits is either good or bad. And well done, choosing a particular limit that won't garner a lot of support and can't be discussed without violating the TOS.

Suleiman -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 4:13:38 PM)
Funny you should ask. I've kind of got a similar sort of thing going on at home right now. For the last twelve years, my wife has not been very fond of pain play - she'll submit to the occasional beating for me, but it's not a priveledge I'm wont to abuse since I know she dosen't get very much out of it. About a month and a half ago, we discovered something - she really likes caning. I mean, seriously getting beaten black and blue with a cane. Whips don't do it, floggers don't do it, paddles and even bare hand spanking dosen't really do it. She'll put up with these things for me, which I appreciate greately, but it's just not her thing. We've tried the other stuff again, as an experiment, but it still just dosen't seem to work. Her pain threshhold is pretty low, so I've never even thought of trying a cane before, but now, she's actually asking me to tie her up and give her a sound beating. I'm happy, I'm certainly not complaining, but I am a little confused. I guess there are circumstantial modifiers to almost any limit, and almost anything can change with time (and the right person, of course)

PlayfulOne -> RE: Changing Limits (8/15/2007 5:30:40 PM)
It often depends upon the depth and nature of the relationship. There are times when the relatinship can influence how youi feel about dong something. I t becomes more about who your doing it for or with ansd something can become enjoyable in that setting. K

becca333 -> RE: Changing Limits (8/16/2007 3:00:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Suleiman Funny you should ask. I've kind of got a similar sort of thing going on at home right now. For the last twelve years, my wife has not been very fond of pain play - she'll submit to the occasional beating for me, but it's not a priveledge I'm wont to abuse since I know she dosen't get very much out of it. About a month and a half ago, we discovered something - she really likes caning. I mean, seriously getting beaten black and blue with a cane. Whips don't do it, floggers don't do it, paddles and even bare hand spanking dosen't really do it. She'll put up with these things for me, which I appreciate greately, but it's just not her thing. We've tried the other stuff again, as an experiment, but it still just dosen't seem to work. Her pain threshhold is pretty low, so I've never even thought of trying a cane before, but now, she's actually asking me to tie her up and give her a sound beating. I'm happy, I'm certainly not complaining, but I am a little confused. I guess there are circumstantial modifiers to almost any limit, and almost anything can change with time (and the right person, of course) That's amazing - and I bet you're just loving the new state of play! The cane was something I didn't think I'd ever try - until I did, and now I actually ask for more, and harder. I still hate it, but in a love-hate kind of way. Have fun, you two - and isn't it incredible how things can change so quickly!

Jayxkes -> RE: Changing Limits (8/16/2007 6:18:07 AM)
When I started out I had very definate veiws about nevr pushing hard limits. I soon learned that whilst all limits should be respected, very often they can and do change with time, depending on the other person etc. Kim was my first 2nd sub and very much more experienced than I was. I had a definate intention to never use canes, she adored them. We chatted about them and I tried them and have been hooked ever since. I'll be forever grateful to Kim [;)] At least amongst the people I know and have known, it does seem to be the norm.

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