Confused

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vegas0623 -> Confused (8/17/2007 3:00:49 PM)
I realized something about myself today that has me really rather confused and was wondering if there are any Doms that have experienced this with other subs. I feel that I'm naturally submissive, I feel I have always been so...but when I have a meet and greet with a Dom, I assert myself, not with every Dom that I meet though, only the Doms that I feel very attracted to or interested in actually getting to know. I don't behave like a brat or anything like that, I'm cordial, polite, respectful, but I make it quite clear that I'm looking for a Dom that can keep me on my toes and handle me. The last Dom I met appeared rather amused by me or at least that's how I interpreted the smirk he wore. When I asked him about it he called me a frustrated sub. I remarked that yes I feel rather frustrated at times. He also suggested that I was a switch because of the personality traits I exhibited and because I will assert myself if I perceive weakness or indecision. I have topped a time or two during sex to please the person I was intimate with but I prefer and am happiest being the bottom during sex and in my relationships. In my mind, I just think I need a Dom that can "handle me" and I can respect.

Dom87110 -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 3:13:05 PM)
I have thus far encountered such behavorial patterns mostly from switches - at least in the clear and open manner as you are describing. But do elaborate - you indicate that you consider yourself frustrated. What is the subject and extent of your frustration? I think that insight would be a critical suplement of information to your question.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 3:14:22 PM)
So what's the confusion? He's a dork who was trying to get you vulnerable to him by shaming you and get you to listen to him. However, recognize that even many GOOD masters and doms will reject you due to your "I'm a toughie and you gotta prove your stuff to me" attitude. That's ok too, just recognize that doesn't make them bad doms and masters, just incompatible.

vegas0623 -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 3:54:27 PM)
I guess some people might see me as tough...people that really know me think I'm very kind and sweet natured. I have definitely been told I'm BLUNT. I try not to be so blunt...but when I was in my early twenties it was drilled into me that I must learn to think analytically and logically as opposed to making decisions based upon my feelings. I believe this "training" for lack of a better word is what makes me appear opinionated and well blunt or tough. The Dom stated that I definitely "know what I want" which he said he found refreshing, because he said that when he asks women that question very few really do. Thank you L.A.! Apparently, I need to work on subtlety.

MzMia -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 4:12:17 PM)
Hello and welcome Vegas! What a great topic, I appreciate your honesty. I will let the male Dom's handle this, I want to see their answers. But, I have one question for you. What does the statement mean that you need a strong Dom that can keep you on your toes and can handle you?" Seriously, what does this handling part mean and entail?

vegas0623 -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 4:33:13 PM)
Well my frustration comes from my background...I'm fairly new to being single. I was married from 19-35 (divorced in '04) to a very controlling person. In no way was he a Dom, he was just a control freak in every aspect except the bedroom - at best he was a passive participant in the bedroom, he was unsure, unimaginative and needed direction. I tried to engage him in exploring BDSM as a way to help encourage him to understand what true control is and for him to realize that a person must willingly give control to their partner, as opposed to the partner trying to wrest control or forcefully control their signigicant other. But since his need to control originated from his lack of self confidence or self-esteem. I quickly realized that he just couldn't or didn't want to comprehend. My interest in BDSM was treated as if there was something seriously perverted about me, which left me extremely frustrated. After my divorce I met a wonderful lover and while he had a dominant personailty he was not a Dom and knew nothing about BDSM, we had a blast learning and exploring BDSM together. Unfortunately, we fondly parted ways due to circumstances that couldn't be changed. So, I decided that I am only interested in and will only really be happy with an experienced Dom. I started my search on ALT but was dissatisfied with what I found, I was told I should try AFF (major meat market), I didn't find any Doms but found a few alpha males which through personal experience I have learned that there is a vast difference in being a Dom and a man that identifies himself as just an Alpha. However, one man on AFF suggested I check out his profile on CM. Voila! Here I am. I've learned quite a bit about Doms and BDSM since I've joined CM.

vegas0623 -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 5:23:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MzMia What does the statement mean that you need a strong Dom that can keep you on your toes and can handle you?" Seriously, what does this handling part mean and entail? It's not so much that I need a strong DOM so much as I need a Dom that has the experience to deal with my personality. Basically, I'm very easy to get along with, I like to keep the peace. I'm not argumentative, I don't like conflict. If there is conflict I would prefer to walk away from it, unless I'm cornered then I will deal with it. However, over the years I have learned that when I get bored in any relationship I tend to act out a little. I don't do anything bad, I just get crabby and a little disrespectful, an experienced Dom should/would be able to recognize this and correct it or "handle me" and realize that I need his attention or help without taking it personally. What would "handling" me entail? I would hope that it would entail a open-handed bare-assed turn my bottom red spanking! That always seems to make me feel at one with myself again. But that is what I would want...not necessarily what he feels I would need.

Estring -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 5:37:19 PM)
It sounds to me like you are still dealing with baggage from your marriage. You are all over the place as far as your personality. It's no wonder you push away the ones that interest you. You aren't ready to submit yet.

vegas0623 -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 6:23:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Estring It sounds to me like you are still dealing with baggage from your marriage. You are all over the place as far as your personality. It's no wonder you push away the ones that interest you. You aren't ready to submit yet. Thank you for your opinion, but I have to respectfully disagree. If it truly was "baggage" from my marriage to a controlling person, it seems I would be running away from BDSM, especially the D/s aspect that interests me so much. Plus, I never would have had a healthy or happy relationship after my marriage, which I did in fact submit to and do with a wonderful man that lasted for over two years. Also, you're assuming that because my ex-husband was so controlling that my marriage was bad or abusive hence the term "baggage" which was not the case, he simply needed to know where I was and what i was doing because deep inside HE couldn't believe that someone truly and unconditionally loved him because no one ever had before. We were good friends and partner's for a long time and while he did not want our marriage to end, he has moved on and we are still friendly to one another. I just realized that we were two very different creatures and while opposites attracted it couldn't continue because while I never gave him any reason not to trust me, I needed him to do so and he simply couldn't recognize or overcome his insecurity or fear. I am confused over your statement "You are all over the place as far as your personality" would you mind elaborating?

slaveish -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 6:25:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: vegas0623 In my mind, I just think I need a Dom that can "handle me" and I can respect. ~chuckle~ It's kinda like when you liked a boy in grade school and you wanted him to notice you and think you were cool, so you acted out in a negative-ish manner. There was a boy in fourth grade who was ~all~ that: carrot red hair, well-liked (at least by me) and the fastest runner (besides me) on the playground. I lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvved him, had the hugest crush imaginable. For Valentine's Day I gave him a card that looked like the outside of a Tootsie Roll wrapper that said on the inside "Be my tootsie wootsie or I'll break your armsie warmsie." And he liked it. And by acting out, acting tough, I found out that the boys would ~like~ me. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, the power. It carried over some, although it got mixed in with a whole bunch of other stuff too, and it exhibited itself more around men I was highly attracted to. So! I know where you're coming from but the approach doesn't work as well around adult men. ~chuckle~ No more breaking armsie warmsies for me.

kyraofMists -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 6:47:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: vegas0623 Apparently, I need to work on subtlety. I am not sure that I agree with that. I think you just need to find someone who can appreciate and accept you for who you are. I have a very analytical mind, I can be rather blunt at times and I also have very deep emotions. My parents have always described me as bossy and very independent. However, when people see me with my Lord there is little doubt who is in charge. He doesn't have to handle me because who he is makes me want to be his slave. Knight's Kyra

vegas0623 -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 7:02:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveish quote: ORIGINAL: vegas0623 In my mind, I just think I need a Dom that can "handle me" and I can respect. ~chuckle~ It's kinda like when you liked a boy in grade school and you wanted him to notice you and think you were cool, so you acted out in a negative-ish manner. There was a boy in fourth grade who was ~all~ that: carrot red hair, well-liked (at least by me) and the fastest runner (besides me) on the playground. I lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvved him, had the hugest crush imaginable. For Valentine's Day I gave him a card that looked like the outside of a Tootsie Roll wrapper that said on the inside "Be my tootsie wootsie or I'll break your armsie warmsie." And he liked it. And by acting out, acting tough, I found out that the boys would ~like~ me. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, the power. It carried over some, although it got mixed in with a whole bunch of other stuff too, and it exhibited itself more around men I was highly attracted to. So! I know where you're coming from but the approach doesn't work as well around adult men. ~chuckle~ No more breaking armsie warmsies for me. Just so! I was a tomboy growing up. My fraternal twin sister was the feminine vain one and I couldn't compare, so it felt as if the boys were always chasing her and i was always chasing them trying to get their attention! Eventually, I grew into my "looks" as an adult and while even as an adult I couldn't compare to her physical beauty, I made up for it with my personality!

vegas0623 -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 7:19:47 PM)
Congratulations on your happiness with your Master! if I could be that lucky! I was speaking with my twin sister today about this subject and she said that she felt I am too opinionated and that I should tone them down in order to attract a man, that I need to be less so and that I can still assert my opinion without bluntly stating them. Not only did I express how sad it was that she felt I should NOT be me, but I also told her I want a man that can appreciate and love me because I AM ME not because of who I think he would want me to be!

Celeste43 -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 7:48:29 PM)
I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. You've found a way to quickly screen out the types that don't do it for you. Unfortunately it is always difficult to meet the person of your dreams. You simply have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet your prince. So if you've met twenty doms with whom you aren't compatible, you now know not to spend more time with them. My filters are different but just as stringent. I couldn't be bothered with most of the men that wrote me, but I did find the right one eventually simply because I knew exactly what I needed.

KnightofMists -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 8:36:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: vegas0623 Congratulations on your happiness with your Master! if I could be that lucky! I was speaking with my twin sister today about this subject and she said that she felt I am too opinionated and that I should tone them down in order to attract a man, that I need to be less so and that I can still assert my opinion without bluntly stating them. Not only did I express how sad it was that she felt I should NOT be me, but I also told her I want a man that can appreciate and love me because I AM ME not because of who I think he would want me to be! Changing person's behavior in the manner they express/assert their opinion does not neccessarily change who a person is. In my thoughts being able to express oneself in a constructive and positive manner is generally better of a person and their relationships. One can be opinionated and beable to express it either positively or negatively. But, being opinionated is not the same as close-minded. To me an opinionated person is one who is capable and will express their opinions on a given topic. However, a opinionated closed-minded individual will give their opinion and is not interested to listen to changing such opinion. In some cases such an individual will project such opinion onto what others should do. Myself, I enjoy opinionated open-minded individuals. They know and can express their opinion, but are capable of looking and accepting other's opinions as valid. They are even capable to adjust or even radical change their own opinions because of the prespectives they gain from others or their own life experiences. So... when you say "opinionated".... I say great...if you are open-minded along with it. If your closed-minded... well .. I would be better off not knowng you. editted to add... so.. after going back and reading the posts in the thread... chuckles... ok now.. I can see the idea that your opinionated to rather accurate.... I would also say you express your opinion rather well.....

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 8:46:56 PM)
i'm naturally submissve as well as assertive ...i also find that my opinionated personality might appear too strong whenever i meet potential doms wondering if i should "dumb" myself down to fit their specifications. however then again - why should i? this is my personality which makes me the submissive i am today.

becca333 -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 9:35:15 PM)
It's no good pretending to be something different to catch a Dom, or any partner, then showing your real self later. You're being honest about how you are and what you want. It won't be a good fit with a lot of people,. but you're saving a great deal of time, and sooner or later you'll click with the right person. Happy hunting.

KnightofMists -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 9:53:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: vegas0623 I realized something about myself today that has me really rather confused and was wondering if there are any Doms that have experienced this with other subs. I feel that I'm naturally submissive, I feel I have always been so...but when I have a meet and greet with a Dom, I assert myself, not with every Dom that I meet though, only the Doms that I feel very attracted to or interested in actually getting to know. I don't behave like a brat or anything like that, I'm cordial, polite, respectful, but I make it quite clear that I'm looking for a Dom that can keep me on my toes and handle me. The last Dom I met appeared rather amused by me or at least that's how I interpreted the smirk he wore. When I asked him about it he called me a frustrated sub. I remarked that yes I feel rather frustrated at times. He also suggested that I was a switch because of the personality traits I exhibited and because I will assert myself if I perceive weakness or indecision. I have topped a time or two during sex to please the person I was intimate with but I prefer and am happiest being the bottom during sex and in my relationships. In my mind, I just think I need a Dom that can "handle me" and I can respect. well some additional thoughts here with regards to having an opinionated girl. I personally have a desire to deeply know the person(s) that are in my intimate life. An opinionated girl is actually a person that is relatively easy to get to know. The deeper I know the person, for me I am deeply turned on in a variety of ways. My kyra is indeed an opinionated woman when she feels safe to express her opinion. In fact, one of the aspects of her growth was to come to collar me to strength her confidence in the expressing of her opinions. Anyways I digress, after Kyra become comfortable in our interactions, I was quick to learn alot about her. As Kyra is also a person that has a desire to know deeply her intimate partners and also be known... we ended up on a very deeping cycle of opening and sharing between the two of us. Now, I know what it's like to have a girl that is not so opinionated. My Alandra is not so easy to get to know. Knowing her is not going come easily from sharing of her opinions (since she is rather quiet about them except the few she is strong about) but sharing of time and experiences is where they come from. As Alandra and I shared our preceptions of the time and experiences we have went through, I have come to learn of her very deeply. I guess what I am saying is that.. there is a variety of ways that we can learn about easy other. If I was geared to learn a person only by her opinions.. then I would of missed out on and incredible women in Alandra. Also, if i was closed off from a woman that enjoys.. even relishes in the sharing of her opinions (on anything she desires to share) then I would of missed out on another incredible woman. Therefore, The Dom you where talking to, in a manner was closed to listening or learn about you with regards to you being opinionated. But rather than look at his own weakness with this regard, he chose to label and peg you into a box that actually degrades you. He in essense was not amused but.. uncomfortable with your personality aspect that you labeled as Opinionated. His discomfort caused him to label you as a frustrated submissive.. and even a switch. mmmmmm hopefully I have not made you more confused.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Confused (8/17/2007 10:59:54 PM)
What we do does not necessarily define who we are. Dominant personalities and aggressive behavior don't make a Dominant. All of the slaves I have in my household exhibit both at times. Master Fire

julietsierra -> RE: Confused (8/18/2007 4:09:29 AM)
LOL. As I read your post, I found myself laughing with the memories you've evoked. I especially loved the one about the "frustrated sub" and "you must be a switch." My personal favorite when I was on my own was "You need to make yourself more available. Dominants LIKE submissives who are more available." My response to that was "OF COURSE I'm not available to every Tom, Dick and Harry who wants to think of himself as a dominant! There's no WAY I'd ever be available like that! If they think I'm not available, they're absolutely correct. I may love what I do but I sure as hell am not an easy lay!" Evidently he was trying to get me to be more "available" to HIM and didn't especially like my comments, so then I heard "you must not be really submissive then." I just laughed and walked away. As you can imagine, I'm VERY opinionated. However, I wasn't willing to change this about me (and honestly, I didn't think I could even if I wanted to) just to find a dominant. And know what? I didn't have to. It took a while but eventually I found someone who liked all of me - even my opinions. He liked that I could argue a point without getting loud but never wavering from what I was saying - AND that I knew enough about my opinions to back them up with supportive proofs. This appealed to him. You see, he was looking for a submissive he could actually TALK to in addition to all the other things he loved to do. And we definitely DO talk. In fact, as we've discovered over the last 5 years, my opinions are just as strong as his. The only "downside" (if you could call this a downside) is that we generally hold the same opinions. I completely understand your comment about asserting yourself if you perceive a weakness. I'm the exact same way. What's worse is that while asserting myself, I find that I lose respect for that person if they waffle too much. I don't want a lot of promises and guarantees when it comes to relationships. I want him to just DO what he said he was going to do. And I want to be held to that very same standard. The point I'm trying to make is that what you want IS out there. You just have to get past all the other people who want you to think they're the one for you. Don't compromise. Don't sell yourself short. Just keep on your path. He'll be there. juliet

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