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What if You're Fighting? - 7/5/2005 6:24:24 PM   
sanita


Posts: 338
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline 		Howdy, Folks!

if any of Y/you are in a live-in or marriage relationship, what sort of dynamic is there when Y/you are having a fight? i hear so often "all couples fight!" and yes, i have had long term relationships, but never live-in.

i don't lose my temper often, and i cannot think of a time i have had a real fight with my Master. i have known Him for 6 1/2 years, and while we have had disagreements, we have had tears and some anger, and we have both chewed into each other a couple of times for mistakes made while in "Just Friends" status, we have never gotten ugly. i don't remember it, if we did.

He has a policy about my being able to say anything at a given time, as long as i show respect. and He has always listened to me, and talked to me as a partner.

i asked Him what happens if i KNOW i am right about something. He said i may always state my case, but if it is not a provable point, HE WINS. that's fine. *l* i am a very very good persuasive speaker.

but what happens in Y/your marriage when it is a fight -a stomping, storming, door slamming fight? or do they exist for Y/you? i wonder, if the communication, and the respect that is present helps avoid these, because when things start to boil, we talk it out.

i am not totally blissed out, though. so i am wondering, does the D/s or BDSM dynamic influence the average marital spat? if it does for Y/you, how much, and in what way?

and yes, this is something i will be asking Him about, probably the next time we have some uninterrupted time. i just wondered how it worked for others.

thank Y/you,

_____________________________

Sometimes, He calls me "subbie." Sometimes, i call me "subbie." And if someone wants to call me a BBW, its flattering. Just don't call me false.

"Please do not show me your ass and expect me to read your mind." -Opencollar
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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/5/2005 6:34:01 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		D/s doesn't affect us at all. We've been together for 6.5 years now. We do fight on occassion but we have a bond first and foremost and a desire to stay together.
We love one another so we communicate until we work things out. Sometimes it takes a day or two.
Then back to normal.
Don't know if thats how it works for others but its how it works for us.

(in reply to sanita)
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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/5/2005 7:19:35 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Everyone fights now and then. Weither the sub gets a spanking out if or not is a different topic. I remember meeting a couple that was married for 65 years. I asked what the secret was. The reply was that they never went to bed together while angry. No matter what it took, they would stay up untill they where to tired to be mad.

So in most cases, you'll find yourself kissing and making up. After all, if you plan on living together, a few eggs have to broken to make an amlet.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/5/2005 7:22:39 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

No matter what it took, they would stay up untill they where to tired to be mad.


He makes a good point. I remember my highschool/college boyfriend. We were together 5 years. One day we were fighting I was talking to his mother.
She told me she knew we would work it out because we cared enough to fight.

When you stop caring, you stop fighting.
Go to bed angry, you've given up.

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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/5/2005 7:22:53 PM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline 		Toy has only been with me for a year so an argument can be made that our arrangement is still in its "honeymoon" stage. Be that as it may, like you and your master, we don't fight either. My personal experiences lead me to believe that the lack of acrimony is directly attributable to our mutual commitment to behaving responsibly and communicating like adults.
While it is perfectly normal for two individuals to have disagreements, differences of opinion or differing perspectives, I'm of the opinion that "stomping, storming, door-slamming" behavior is irresponsible and uncalled for acting-out that simply has no place in adult relationships. I don't accept passive-aggressive behavior from those who choose to serve in my household and I have no need to engage in such behaviors myself. I also don't advise folks to rush into relationships without knowing themselves and their potential partners, which I think can also contribute to the type of behavior you describe.
I can say that I do believe that, on occasion, the nature of our dynamic has helped to cut through elevated emotions, helping keep the lines of communication functioning under stress. I find that I am less likely to engage in heated debate on topics of small consequence with toy and toy is apt to approach points of contention with language which is non-challenging, such as "I know it's your decision, but have you considered..." Because there is no struggle for supremacy, victory or conversion, there may be a larger trend toward understanding, compromise and/or conciliation than in my previous vanilla relationships.
Good topic, sanita, thanks for opening the discussion.
Timothy

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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/5/2005 7:38:31 PM   
MsIncognito


Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline 		We don't do that kind of drama in our marriage. We're both pretty easy going and have the utmost trust in each other so I can't even remember the last time we had that kind of drama queen type of argument. We talk about stuff on a regular basis so rarely does anything get blown out of proportion.

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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/5/2005 7:41:45 PM   
MsIncognito


Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire
She told me she knew we would work it out because we cared enough to fight.

When you stop caring, you stop fighting.
Go to bed angry, you've given up.


I have to admit that is one of the oddest things I've ever heard. So if you don't fight you don't care about each other? I'd like to think that after 13 years we've got communication down to a fine art and that's what avoids fighting altogether. Who knew we were just apathetic

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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/5/2005 8:10:05 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		Y'know, I disagree with the idea that it's fatal to go to bed angry.

I find that often I need the time that sleep provides to think through my reasons for being angry, and decide whether they are worth it or not.

My partner and I fight very seldom, but when we fight, we fight quietly. We'll get mad, and tend to cold shoulder each other. We project our anger through our minimilitic responses. He isnt' the type for whom getting in the other's face makes anything better. He needs to go off on his own and think about it for a while. I find I'm the same way, but less dramatically.

Most of the time, going to bed mad has one of two results. We wake up totally over whatever we were angry about in the first place, having realized it was totally trivial. Or we wake up with a good understanding of why we were mad in the first place, and can voice it. I have yet to be actually -mad- at him for more than one night. (Depression fallout doesn't count in my book)

I hear a lot that going to bed mad means you won't be able to make up. For us, we often need that time off. Sleep doesn't allow you to agonize. Just having time alone means I dwell and make things worse. Sleep just mellows everything.

So... yeah.

When we fight, we reduce contact with each other. Which is really hard considering we're together at -least- 18 hours a day. Just makes for lots of hurt silence.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/5/2005 8:28:34 PM   
Pervert


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		No slave is worth lossing sleep over

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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/5/2005 8:31:32 PM   
Mylee


Posts: 217
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pervert

No slave is worth lossing sleep over



Oh my I can see your gonna make friends FAST!

Yes, thats me being sarcastic...doesnt happen often :)

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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/5/2005 8:53:56 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pervert

No slave is worth lossing sleep over


And women should be seen and not heard.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/5/2005 9:32:16 PM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic


quote:

ORIGINAL: Pervert

No slave is worth lossing sleep over


And women should be seen and not heard.



And I have a herd of flying pigs that I keep as pets under the couch

(in reply to perverseangelic)
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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/6/2005 4:16:03 AM   
sanita


Posts: 338
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline 		thanks to all of you for the input. *s* i appreciate seeing different points of view.

_____________________________

Sometimes, He calls me "subbie." Sometimes, i call me "subbie." And if someone wants to call me a BBW, its flattering. Just don't call me false.

"Please do not show me your ass and expect me to read your mind." -Opencollar

(in reply to siamsa24)
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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/6/2005 4:17:49 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

We don't do that kind of drama in our marriage. We're both pretty easy going and have the utmost trust in each other so I can't even remember the last time we had that kind of drama queen type of argument. We talk about stuff on a regular basis so rarely does anything get blown out of proportion.


We're the same way. There has never been so much as a harsh word between us, ours is a very peaceful and non-stress household. Our communication is always honest and open, there is no subject that is to sensitive to discuss. And I think that's the key.

Our previous submissive told me that we ruined her, she is not used to hearing raised voices and now finds it difficult to deal with because she knows she doesn't have to.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/6/2005 4:19:11 AM   
sanita


Posts: 338
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pervert

No slave is worth lossing sleep over



oh dear. i am glad i did not see that last night. i might have tossed and turned all night long.

*sigh*

NOT

*thinking* well, the spelling does bug me.

_____________________________

Sometimes, He calls me "subbie." Sometimes, i call me "subbie." And if someone wants to call me a BBW, its flattering. Just don't call me false.

"Please do not show me your ass and expect me to read your mind." -Opencollar

(in reply to Pervert)
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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/6/2005 5:26:46 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		It's long been one of my truisms that you don't know someone until you have had a big fight with them.

This doesn't have to mean plate throwing and nasty names, but simply immediate and automatic emotions coming out due to some inconsistency.

When the Owner is upset with me or I'm upset with him, it's generally been an on the phone thing, him getting upset, me feeling unfair with him, us getting angry and yelling on the phone, us hanging up and then a few hours talking again rationally. For better or worse, we fight the same, a burst of emotion that quickly recedes.

I don't think it's bad to have occasional fights and arguments, and can actually help bring relationships closer together as they work through them.

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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/6/2005 6:39:25 AM   
kisshou


Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

D/s doesn't affect us at all. We've been together for 6.5 years now. We do fight on occassion but we have a bond first and foremost and a desire to stay together.
We love one another so we communicate until we work things out. Sometimes it takes a day or two.
Then back to normal.
Don't know if thats how it works for others but its how it works for us.



This post really hit home in a postive way, it reminded me of some advice I was given when I was just finding out about the lifestyle.

D/s is not a silver bullet.

I don't think it is the D/s that puts the good communication and respect in a relationship.

(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/6/2005 6:57:53 PM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kisshou

D/s is not a silver bullet.

I don't think it is the D/s that puts the good communication and respect in a relationship.


I agree. It's the people who make or break the relationship. D/s is simply one dynamic of many. Other dynamics can be just as successful if the participants respect each other and are willing to communicate.
Timothy

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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/6/2005 8:54:13 PM   
HiTop


Posts: 22
Joined: 6/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I have to admit that is one of the oddest things I've ever heard. So if you don't fight you don't care about each other? I'd like to think that after 13 years we've got communication down to a fine art and that's what avoids fighting altogether. Who knew we were just apathetic


I'm with you on this....

And I agree this is an excellant topic. I've wondered about the same thing myself.

I am new to the scene but after an earlier marriage of 19 years, I know about hystrionics; door slamming, assorted tantrum behavior, red faced, eyes bulging... unreasonable, unhearing. My life plan is not have to live with that atmosphere again. I prefer to believe that sort of 'communication and outburst is a personality style... not an inevitable trait of everyone on the planet.

< Message edited by HiTop -- 7/6/2005 9:01:04 PM >

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RE: What if You're Fighting? - 7/6/2005 11:35:35 PM   
brightspot


Posts: 3052
Status: offline 		With my Domina and myself, if either of us is upset,
we are usually very capable of taking time to calm down,
think carefully and then return to each other and talk of
the issue and our varying perspectives.
I am always listened to with respect and my feelings thought
of carefully. I then respectfully listen to her and in the end
she rightuously decides the closest to the truth and I then trust
her usually with no 2nd guessing.

On the other had, she is a very calm person and I am more high
strung and sensitive and I do, although rarely, lose it and act out
with implusivity and immaturity.
In these times we take time apart, until I can be calm and
rational with my feelings, which most often ends with my appologizing
and taking her reprimand for me for my behavior. Still she takes into
consideration my feelings, fears and/or high emotions that caused me
to feel I needed to act out for her to hear me.


*Brightspot

< Message edited by brightspot -- 7/6/2005 11:39:25 PM >

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

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