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MemphisDsCouple -> RE: What if You're Fighting? (7/7/2005 8:35:06 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sanita
if any of Y/you are in a live-in or marriage relationship, what sort of dynamic is there when Y/you are having a fight? i hear so often "all couples fight!"
It is true that disagreements, some highly emotional, are part and parcel of relationship dynamics.
In my view and experience, one of the very great advantages of being in a 24/7, committed, TPE, d/s relationship is that by its very structure and relationship dynamic, it solves the problems which in other relationships can fester into a breakup/divorce.
quote:
ORIGINAL: sanita
i asked Him what happens if i KNOW i am right about something. He said i may always state my case, but if it is not a provable point, HE WINS. that's fine. *l* i am a very very good persuasive speaker.
Do you find it reassuring, fulfilling and comforting to know exactly where you stand? I/we do.
Presumably, he is the arbiter of whether you have adequately proven your point. In that case, when he makes his decision, the issue/dispute/conflict is (or should be) settled.
From the dominant perspective, I will testify that sometimes this decision making is a heavy weight to bear. Many submissives would envy you that you have found someone strong enough to carry this burden.
On the other side of the coin, do you have the strength to support and obey him graciously, lovingly and wholeheartedly once he has made his decision? It takes a lot of strength on the part of the submissive to accept, adopt and actively support a decision you wanted to be different from what it ended up being.
quote:
ORIGINAL: sanita
but what happens in Y/your marriage when it is a fight -a stomping, storming, door slamming fight? or do they exist for Y/you? i wonder, if the communication, and the respect that is present helps avoid these, because when things start to boil, we talk it out.
In circumstances such as you describe, I have the ability to understand that the crux of the matter has shifted. In a circumstance such as you describe, when two passionate people are involved, it is important to realize that the original disagreement is no longer the most important issue between those people. The issue has changed. Now, the issue has become peace, tranquility, the structure of the relationship and the power dynamic within the relationship.
If you both have agreed that his word is the law, and he has pronounced his word, then all turmoil that follows is simple rebellion. That is the issue that must be dealt with before you can have any further productive discussions about the original disagreement. (Or about anything else, for that matter.) A competent dominant will recognize this and deal with it accordingly.
In my home, on the rare occasion emotions flare in the way you have described, I take action to deal with the new problem. The original disagreement takes a back seat to the more important issue of a breakdown in our primary relationship dynamic. Usually, I command silence. I find if she has some quiet time to think about things then she sorts it out within herself that she really doesn't want to create a rift between us. If a simple command for silence isn't working very well - if she's banging things around in the kitchen or slamming doors or stomping around or whatever - I command her to sit in a specific chair and be silent until I give her leave to do otherwise. As she sits there, I talk to her about the situation. I point out that our problem is no longer the original issue. Our problem has become the "fight". Is this what she really wants? Does she really want to pursue this course? Then, I let her sit there and think about it. After emotions have cooled we discuss it. Arguing is a choice. Do we really want to argue? Is that the choice we really want to make?
TPE is a wonderful tool to help make a relationship last forever when used wisely.
quote:
ORIGINAL: sanita
and yes, this is something i will be asking Him about, probably the next time we have some uninterrupted time. i just wondered how it worked for others.
I thought you said you already did:
quote:
ORIGINAL: sanita
i asked Him what happens if i KNOW i am right about something.
And he said:
quote:
ORIGINAL: sanita
HE WINS.
And you said:
quote:
ORIGINAL: sanita
that's fine.
Nothing is perfect. I am not perfect. Your dominant will not be perfect. His decisions will not be perfect. ... Shrug ... That's just the way it's going to be. If you are unwilling to live with decisions that are less than perfect, you owe it to him, to yourself and to your relationship to be honest about that. Tell him that "HE WINS" is not "fine".
But if "HE WINS" is "fine" - as you said, then you've already answered all your own questions.
Postscript:
You are welcome to print or save this post for your own use. Please do not copy it to any public or semi-public forum (including email groups/lists) without my express permission. Thanks. All rights reserved. (I write this postscript because after-the-fact someone wrote to me to inform me that they had copied a prior post I wrote to another list. So, I thought I'd better clarify what my preference/policy is regarding use of what I write.)
B. (the male half of MemphisDsCouple)
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